Re: Gender attack ---- and how does nada choose the golden

[Guest guest]

Girlscout,yeah,I've also felt like I have a gender identity problem.And not

because I'd rather be a man.I'm a girly girl too and my issue has also been

that there was something wrong with that.

I was not allowed to actually *be* a little girl.I wasn't allowed to

cry.I wasn't allowed to show it if my feelings were hurt.I'd be threatened by

nada or ridiculed by fada and it's like in both cases they were treating me like

a boy who was acting like a " sissy " if I ever showed I was upset.

Nada's just freaking weird.Even when I briefly took ballet classes she

sent me to them in a t shirt and leggings,with my cut short hair,so I was like

the " boy " dancer in a class of girls in pink tutus.

My brother was allowed to be sensitive and to cry.He got hugs and was

indulged.

By the time I was seven,the vast majority of time,it didn't even occur

to me to cry.I cut open the bottom of my foot on a broken bottle the summer I

was seven walking barefoot in the field behind our house.My brother was with me

because I was taking him to the corner store to buy him a birthday toy with my

own money.*He* screamed and cried at my injury so loudly a neighbor thought he

was the one who was hurt.I was merely fascinated with the bloody footprints I

was making in the sand...At the hospital I insisted on watching as the doctor

stitched up my foot and he gave me a handful of lollipops for being so brave,he

said to nada that he'd never seen such a " completely rational " kid.

After I left home I wanted to reclaim my femininity because I *could*!

It felt liberating to buy myself dresses and heels and make up.But I often felt

strangely creepy dressed " girlie " out in public,like I wasn't supposed to be

doing that somehow but that only applied somehow to me.Other women doing the

same thing was all fine and normal *for them* but I felt this strange shame

about *me* that I couldn't understand.Like I was doing something " wrong " --I

rationalized that I was just afraid that if I was attacked that I'd be blamed

for " advertizing " although I knew that wasn't quite it.Then I'd get angry and

think: Eff that,if a guy attacks me I'll kick the shit out of him and if I get

blamed for the whole thing I will fight back against that too.Those thoughts

didn't resolve it for me though or do much to reduce that strange creepy

feeling.

To make things worse,when I was 18-22,I had joined a feminist collective

because I wanted to do political actions.This was in Paris where they love their

" manifestations " and the collective also did lots of protest actions against

various injustices.Most of the women in the collective,like 98 percent of

them,were as they called themselves " militant lesbians " ...This relates also to

what you were saying about people being weird and " attacking for any old

trait " ....I needed that collective to be a place where I found a sense of

belonging,as a young " lesbian " (which is how I identified at the time--not now

though).There were other young women in that collective who did find that sense

of " coming home " I wanted,but me...I was told *by all of them* that I was just

" going through a phase* (by lesbians! not by straight people!) and that I wasn't

" really a lesbian " .

" 's just hanging out here until she finds a husband " ,they

joked.

Why? Because I was too feminine.Because I wore eyeliner and mascara

and lipstick.Because I had long hair and was " pretty " .Because I wore dresses and

heels...To them,that was me capitulating to the dictates of the " patriarchy " in

some mindless fashion.For me,being able to *choose* to be feminine was

liberation,not " oppressing " myself.The opposite!!!!

And there was no effing way I was going to conform to some ridiculous

standard that someone else was imposing on me by giving in and dressing like

them.I'd rather stick out like a sore thumb than go along with the herd like

that...But it's just so ironic that I got revictimized for my femininity *by

women* when I had originally been victimized by nada who hates her own

femaleness so much she tried to obliterate mine.

Do you feel like it's easier for you to " be yourself " with men than with

women? Just curious.I do.For the longest time I was terrified of women but I've

mostly gotten over that.They can still strike fear in my heart,though,in a way

that no man can.And the other irony is that most of those " militant lesbians "

who thought they were so tough were pansies and whiners who went around feeling

like the " victims " of men while I wasn't afraid and refused in any circumstance

to become a victim (as I was in childhood).I was actually more " militant " than

they were.

This judging by appearances junk issues forth from the reptilian part

of our brains and it's a damned shame so many people function on a daily basis

from their reptile brain---but I think it's the origin of all the being damned

for being either attractive or unattractive and the damning is from so many

people only focusing on the surface and not seeing through to the deeper

truth.It can be crazy making to be bombarded like this with other people's

unreality.Especially for KO's who never got a break from it since we were born!

I think that as women we just cop more of it,too,being perceived more as

appearance than as who we are or what we do.I hate it when people " out in the

world " remind me of my nada traumas like that.