Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...

[Guest guest]

Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was

struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't;

I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in

real life...

I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did have

a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is not

fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.

When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I

could " let my hair down " dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though

day I would feel incredible shame that I was so " out of control " .

Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for

something to eat my older brother would yell, " Pig, pig, pig! " at me. Shame was

the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall.

This week I decided that I needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously work

with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the

store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it

was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what?

What would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child

pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat

on the way home...

But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it or

defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and

notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself

that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me

anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.

I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax

enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the bottom of the pint.

Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream.

I chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and

experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I

feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed

hunger.

I " talked back " to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the

right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to

learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew

that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build

trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can

move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet.

This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by

feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice

to articulate what else I want/need in life.

So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel

about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding

shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just

crazy.

No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let

myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first

place. Right?

Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track with

fighting the good fight. As it were.

Sandarah

>

> Must be something in the air. I am also slipping backwards this week. I

actually considered having " Everything has a choice " tattooed on my wrist so I'd

see it all the time. LOL, that's pretty radical since I have no tattoos other

than eyebrows and eyeliner. But I think I'll make a bracelet with lettered beads

on it instead. But seriously I don't know what the problem has been. Sweets

are compelling me and I am eating them without any hunger but I want them and

can't stop thinking about about them. Then last night I found myself thinking I

should eat that pie so it would stop tempting me. I did have a piece but I

wasn't hungry at all and it was after I had eaten too much anyway. So I felt

icky and I started feeling pretty guilty and like a failure. It's so upsetting

to me. I'm not in control and I'm sure not in charge. I'm making crappy choices

consciously. WTH?? Today I'm recommitted to IE and I keep imagining that

tattoo. Sunny

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

What a brave and self-aware post! And bravo for you for getting the ice cream,

and then sitting down and giving yourself the opportunity to enjoy it.

My son has left a bag of caramels on top of the fridge, and I've been having a

few at a time, and really enjoying them. I've never wanted more than three,

which is a miracle in itself, but today, as I was walking around doing something

else while eating a caramel, it occurred to me that it's really stupid to eat

candy while doing anything else, because I was missing it's full pleasure. If

I'm going to eat caramels, I rally ought to enjoy them, and that means not doing

anything else while eating them.

Your plan sounds exactly right!

Tilley

> >

> > Must be something in the air. I am also slipping backwards this week. I

actually considered having " Everything has a choice " tattooed on my wrist so I'd

see it all the time. LOL, that's pretty radical since I have no tattoos other

than eyebrows and eyeliner. But I think I'll make a bracelet with lettered beads

on it instead. But seriously I don't know what the problem has been. Sweets

are compelling me and I am eating them without any hunger but I want them and

can't stop thinking about about them. Then last night I found myself thinking I

should eat that pie so it would stop tempting me. I did have a piece but I

wasn't hungry at all and it was after I had eaten too much anyway. So I felt

icky and I started feeling pretty guilty and like a failure. It's so upsetting

to me. I'm not in control and I'm sure not in charge. I'm making crappy choices

consciously. WTH?? Today I'm recommitted to IE and I keep imagining that

tattoo. Sunny

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Fantastic post! Thanks.  I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it.  I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge.  When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack.  Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too.  I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can.   The words can stick in my gut, they still do.  How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my " can " (back side).  I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now.  The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old).  He is such a blessing.  But I would like to have more fun in my life.  The weight gain seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me.  I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself.  Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be " good " , do better.  That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either.  I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting.  Thanks. Sandy

 

Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't; I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in real life...

I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.

When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I could " let my hair down " dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though day I would feel incredible shame that I was so " out of control " .

Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for something to eat my older brother would yell, " Pig, pig, pig! " at me. Shame was the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall.

This week I decided that I needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on the way home...

But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.

I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the bottom of the pint. Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed hunger.

I " talked back " to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet.

This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice to articulate what else I want/need in life.

So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy.

No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first place. Right?

Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track with fighting the good fight. As it were.

Sandarah

>

> Must be something in the air. I am also slipping backwards this week. I actually considered having " Everything has a choice " tattooed on my wrist so I'd see it all the time. LOL, that's pretty radical since I have no tattoos other than eyebrows and eyeliner. But I think I'll make a bracelet with lettered beads on it instead. But seriously I don't know what the problem has been. Sweets are compelling me and I am eating them without any hunger but I want them and can't stop thinking about about them. Then last night I found myself thinking I should eat that pie so it would stop tempting me. I did have a piece but I wasn't hungry at all and it was after I had eaten too much anyway. So I felt icky and I started feeling pretty guilty and like a failure. It's so upsetting to me. I'm not in control and I'm sure not in charge. I'm making crappy choices consciously. WTH?? Today I'm recommitted to IE and I keep imagining that tattoo. Sunny

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fantastic post! Thanks.  I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it.  I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge.  When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack.  Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too.  I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can.   The words can stick in my gut, they still do.  How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my " can " (back side).  I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now.  The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old).  He is such a blessing.  But I would like to have more fun in my life.  The weight gain seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me.  I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself.  Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be " good " , do better.  That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either.  I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting.  Thanks. Sandy

 

Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't; I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in real life...

I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.

When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I could " let my hair down " dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though day I would feel incredible shame that I was so " out of control " .

Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for something to eat my older brother would yell, " Pig, pig, pig! " at me. Shame was the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall.

This week I decided that I needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on the way home...

But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.

I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the bottom of the pint. Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed hunger.

I " talked back " to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet.

This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice to articulate what else I want/need in life.

So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy.

No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first place. Right?

Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track with fighting the good fight. As it were.

Sandarah

>

> Must be something in the air. I am also slipping backwards this week. I actually considered having " Everything has a choice " tattooed on my wrist so I'd see it all the time. LOL, that's pretty radical since I have no tattoos other than eyebrows and eyeliner. But I think I'll make a bracelet with lettered beads on it instead. But seriously I don't know what the problem has been. Sweets are compelling me and I am eating them without any hunger but I want them and can't stop thinking about about them. Then last night I found myself thinking I should eat that pie so it would stop tempting me. I did have a piece but I wasn't hungry at all and it was after I had eaten too much anyway. So I felt icky and I started feeling pretty guilty and like a failure. It's so upsetting to me. I'm not in control and I'm sure not in charge. I'm making crappy choices consciously. WTH?? Today I'm recommitted to IE and I keep imagining that tattoo. Sunny

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fantastic post! Thanks.  I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it.  I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge.  When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack.  Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too.  I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can.   The words can stick in my gut, they still do.  How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my " can " (back side).  I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now.  The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old).  He is such a blessing.  But I would like to have more fun in my life.  The weight gain seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me.  I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself.  Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be " good " , do better.  That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either.  I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting.  Thanks. Sandy

 

Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't; I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in real life...

I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.

When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I could " let my hair down " dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though day I would feel incredible shame that I was so " out of control " .

Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for something to eat my older brother would yell, " Pig, pig, pig! " at me. Shame was the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall.

This week I decided that I needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on the way home...

But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.

I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the bottom of the pint. Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed hunger.

I " talked back " to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet.

This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice to articulate what else I want/need in life.

So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy.

No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first place. Right?

Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track with fighting the good fight. As it were.

Sandarah

>

> Must be something in the air. I am also slipping backwards this week. I actually considered having " Everything has a choice " tattooed on my wrist so I'd see it all the time. LOL, that's pretty radical since I have no tattoos other than eyebrows and eyeliner. But I think I'll make a bracelet with lettered beads on it instead. But seriously I don't know what the problem has been. Sweets are compelling me and I am eating them without any hunger but I want them and can't stop thinking about about them. Then last night I found myself thinking I should eat that pie so it would stop tempting me. I did have a piece but I wasn't hungry at all and it was after I had eaten too much anyway. So I felt icky and I started feeling pretty guilty and like a failure. It's so upsetting to me. I'm not in control and I'm sure not in charge. I'm making crappy choices consciously. WTH?? Today I'm recommitted to IE and I keep imagining that tattoo. Sunny

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I think you're really making progress, Shandarah. Working through and understanding the shame you feel is so huge. The theme of shame is something I suspect a lot of us share, not just for food, but in life. I also frequently feel guilty or ashamed, without reflection. When I think about it, it seems ridiculous, but there it is. After going through my treatments for cancer, my husband and I really wanted to fulfill a lifelong dream of having a second house in the country. We have a tiny condo in the city right now, which we need because of work, but to have a little place in a rural area has been a dream. So, we saved, found an appropriate place and bought it. You can't imagine the guilt and shame I've been feeling over that. "How dare I have a SECOND place when so many are suffering and losing their homes?!" "Who do I think I am to deserve

this?" "It's all going to come crashing down because of my awful hubris." And most perniciously, "I deserve to get cancer again because I'm so greedy." Wow.

So, I, too, am working through this shame, which extends to all areas of my life, including food. It actually helps to write it out because I see how unfounded it is. Thanks for the inspiration.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 9:07 PM

Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't; I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in real life... I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I could "let my hair down" dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though day I would feel incredible shame that I was so "out of control". Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for something to eat my older brother would yell, "Pig, pig, pig!" at me. Shame was the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall. This week I decided that I

needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on the way home... But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the

bottom of the pint. Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed hunger. I "talked back" to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet. This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice

to articulate what else I want/need in life. So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy. No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first place. Right? Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track with fighting the good fight. As it were. Sandarah---

[Guest guest]

Wow. I think you're really making progress, Shandarah. Working through and understanding the shame you feel is so huge. The theme of shame is something I suspect a lot of us share, not just for food, but in life. I also frequently feel guilty or ashamed, without reflection. When I think about it, it seems ridiculous, but there it is. After going through my treatments for cancer, my husband and I really wanted to fulfill a lifelong dream of having a second house in the country. We have a tiny condo in the city right now, which we need because of work, but to have a little place in a rural area has been a dream. So, we saved, found an appropriate place and bought it. You can't imagine the guilt and shame I've been feeling over that. "How dare I have a SECOND place when so many are suffering and losing their homes?!" "Who do I think I am to deserve

this?" "It's all going to come crashing down because of my awful hubris." And most perniciously, "I deserve to get cancer again because I'm so greedy." Wow.

So, I, too, am working through this shame, which extends to all areas of my life, including food. It actually helps to write it out because I see how unfounded it is. Thanks for the inspiration.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 9:07 PM

Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't; I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in real life... I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I could "let my hair down" dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though day I would feel incredible shame that I was so "out of control". Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for something to eat my older brother would yell, "Pig, pig, pig!" at me. Shame was the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall. This week I decided that I

needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on the way home... But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the

bottom of the pint. Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed hunger. I "talked back" to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet. This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice

to articulate what else I want/need in life. So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy. No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first place. Right? Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track with fighting the good fight. As it were. Sandarah---

[Guest guest]

Sandy, you are being good, regardless of what you eat today! I think it's so important to separate sense of self from eating behavior. You are so right that "resolving to do better" tomorrow is diet mentality and can get you stuck. For me, it automatically triggers "last supper" eating. Whenever I say, "OK, I will get IE right tomorrow," the next thought is, "I better eat these chips/cookies/potatoes right now because I might not get to eat as much when I'm on IE." It's getting out of that cycle that is so tricky. I'm working on it, too. Thanks for the reflections.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:42 PM

Fantastic post! Thanks. I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it. I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge. When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack. Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too. I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can. The words can stick in my gut, they still do. How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my "can"(back side). I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now. The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old). He is such a blessing. But I would like to have more fun in my life. The weight gain

seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me. I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself. Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be "good", do better. That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either. I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting. Thanks. Sandy

[Guest guest]

Sandy, you are being good, regardless of what you eat today! I think it's so important to separate sense of self from eating behavior. You are so right that "resolving to do better" tomorrow is diet mentality and can get you stuck. For me, it automatically triggers "last supper" eating. Whenever I say, "OK, I will get IE right tomorrow," the next thought is, "I better eat these chips/cookies/potatoes right now because I might not get to eat as much when I'm on IE." It's getting out of that cycle that is so tricky. I'm working on it, too. Thanks for the reflections.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:42 PM

Fantastic post! Thanks. I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it. I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge. When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack. Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too. I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can. The words can stick in my gut, they still do. How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my "can"(back side). I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now. The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old). He is such a blessing. But I would like to have more fun in my life. The weight gain

seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me. I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself. Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be "good", do better. That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either. I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting. Thanks. Sandy

[Guest guest]

Sandy, you are being good, regardless of what you eat today! I think it's so important to separate sense of self from eating behavior. You are so right that "resolving to do better" tomorrow is diet mentality and can get you stuck. For me, it automatically triggers "last supper" eating. Whenever I say, "OK, I will get IE right tomorrow," the next thought is, "I better eat these chips/cookies/potatoes right now because I might not get to eat as much when I'm on IE." It's getting out of that cycle that is so tricky. I'm working on it, too. Thanks for the reflections.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:42 PM

Fantastic post! Thanks. I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it. I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge. When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack. Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too. I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can. The words can stick in my gut, they still do. How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my "can"(back side). I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now. The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old). He is such a blessing. But I would like to have more fun in my life. The weight gain

seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me. I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself. Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be "good", do better. That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either. I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting. Thanks. Sandy

[Guest guest]

Mimi, My thought of doing better comes AFTER I have eaten all the cookies, etc. Maybe a better late than never mentality, but still smacks of diet mentality. Last night I did sleep better.  I haven't been doing so good with that.  I run through cycles and have resorted to sleeping on the couch using the TV to fall asleep.  That too is supposed to be a NO-NO, but it has been working for me and I have reached the place of accepting that it is what I need right now.  Resting my back against the back of the couch as I lie down, head raised somewhat with pillows on armrest, makes me comfortable and takes care of any reflux issues.  But more than that I feel very lonely in the bed. It's a full size and I wish I had stayed with the twin size.  For me there was something very comforting about the small bed and I had it against the wall so I could rest my back against it.  I think I might swap out my full for a twin again.  I think that is also a big part of using the couch, it is small and I feel enveloped, maybe like in the womb.  Anyway, just some thoughts.  I only wish I could feel as accepting about my eating and weight as I do about sleeping on the couch.  As far as yesterday, I ate IE way all day with little effort.  Ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, enjoyed my food, etc.  But then when I got home it all changed.  I'm working on this with Gillian as coach because it happens every time I go out with my friend or family and have a good day. Maybe it has to do with thinking I don't deserve to have a good day and need to punish myself? I don't know.  Sorry I went on so long but it helps so much.  Thanks Mimi and all. Sandy

 

Sandy, you are being good, regardless of what you eat today! I think it's so important to separate sense of self from eating behavior. You are so right that " resolving to do better " tomorrow is diet mentality and can get you stuck. For me, it automatically triggers " last supper " eating. Whenever I say, " OK, I will get IE right tomorrow, " the next thought is, " I better eat these chips/cookies/potatoes right now because I might not get to eat as much when I'm on IE. "  It's getting out of that cycle that is so tricky. I'm working on it, too. Thanks for the reflections.

 

Mimi 

 

Subject: Re: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:42 PM

 

Fantastic post! Thanks.  I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it.  I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge.  When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack.  Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too.  I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can.   The words can stick in my gut, they still do.  How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my " can " (back side).  I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now.  The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old).  He is such a blessing.  But I would like to have more fun in my life.  The weight gain

seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me.  I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself.  Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be " good " , do better.  That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either.  I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting.  Thanks. Sandy

[Guest guest]

Mimi, My thought of doing better comes AFTER I have eaten all the cookies, etc. Maybe a better late than never mentality, but still smacks of diet mentality. Last night I did sleep better.  I haven't been doing so good with that.  I run through cycles and have resorted to sleeping on the couch using the TV to fall asleep.  That too is supposed to be a NO-NO, but it has been working for me and I have reached the place of accepting that it is what I need right now.  Resting my back against the back of the couch as I lie down, head raised somewhat with pillows on armrest, makes me comfortable and takes care of any reflux issues.  But more than that I feel very lonely in the bed. It's a full size and I wish I had stayed with the twin size.  For me there was something very comforting about the small bed and I had it against the wall so I could rest my back against it.  I think I might swap out my full for a twin again.  I think that is also a big part of using the couch, it is small and I feel enveloped, maybe like in the womb.  Anyway, just some thoughts.  I only wish I could feel as accepting about my eating and weight as I do about sleeping on the couch.  As far as yesterday, I ate IE way all day with little effort.  Ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, enjoyed my food, etc.  But then when I got home it all changed.  I'm working on this with Gillian as coach because it happens every time I go out with my friend or family and have a good day. Maybe it has to do with thinking I don't deserve to have a good day and need to punish myself? I don't know.  Sorry I went on so long but it helps so much.  Thanks Mimi and all. Sandy

 

Sandy, you are being good, regardless of what you eat today! I think it's so important to separate sense of self from eating behavior. You are so right that " resolving to do better " tomorrow is diet mentality and can get you stuck. For me, it automatically triggers " last supper " eating. Whenever I say, " OK, I will get IE right tomorrow, " the next thought is, " I better eat these chips/cookies/potatoes right now because I might not get to eat as much when I'm on IE. "  It's getting out of that cycle that is so tricky. I'm working on it, too. Thanks for the reflections.

 

Mimi 

 

Subject: Re: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:42 PM

 

Fantastic post! Thanks.  I needed to hear this and I will continue to think about it.  I think it has touched on some of my current issues too. I realize that I have a lot of foods that I have not legalized and feel that sense of guilt and/or shame when I indulge.  When I was a kid I had asthma and could not have much fun/activity or laughing without bringing on an attack.  Much of the time I had to practice sitting very still and quiet to relieve an attack too.  I had a brother who kidded me by calling me the Crisco Kid...fat in the can.   The words can stick in my gut, they still do.  How appropriate that my fat is stuck in my gut(belly), and on my " can " (back side).  I also realized that I don't have enough fun in my life now.  The only time I have lots of fun is with my grandson(5 years old).  He is such a blessing.  But I would like to have more fun in my life.  The weight gain

seems to be a way to sabotage that or maybe protect me from what? having fun? I guess I don't have fun with food now either, nor is life or me.  I live alone so it is very easy to not have to sneak into the kitchen to get food whenever I want, but I am there watching me and judging and hating myself.  Every night I promise myself that tomorrow I will be " good " , do better.  That's the same diet mentality I have had for years and years and it never worked then either.  I am so glad at your success with the ice cream. All of it! And I liked the way you talked back to guilt/shame impulses. I have much more to say but think I will ponder over the other points in your posting.  Thanks. Sandy

[Guest guest]

Mimi, it does help to write it down, doesn't it. Your rural retreat sounds

wonderful; wish I had one. Several times the past few years I almost invited

homeless people to stay with me out of guilt for living alone in a big place;

the last one turned out to be a heroin addict. It would have been a disaster.

But I do feel guilty about having abundance at times when there are so many

people out their in serious lack. It's complicated. I think the whole issue of

fearing you might somehow deserve cancer is very common. My sister died of a

brain tumor some years back. At one point she asked me what I thought she'd

done to deserve it. It broke my heart to think that she was blaming herself.

Too much to carry; too much to expect of ourselves. Certainly the struggle with

food is an equalizer re the whole spiritual hubris thing.

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all

over again...

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 9:07 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was

struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't;

I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in

real life...

>

> I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did

have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is

not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.

>

> When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I

could " let my hair down " dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though

day I would feel incredible shame that I was so " out of control " .

>

> Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for

something to eat my older brother would yell, " Pig, pig, pig! " at me. Shame was

the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall.

>

> This week I decided that I needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously

work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the

store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it

was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What

would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child

pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on

the way home...

>

> But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it

or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and

notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself

that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me

anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.

>

> I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax

enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the bottom of the pint.

Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I

chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and

experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I

feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed

hunger.

>

> I " talked back " to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the

right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to

learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew

that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build

trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can

move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet.

>

> This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by

feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice

to articulate what else I want/need in life.

>

> So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel

about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding

shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy.

>

> No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let

myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first

place. Right?

>

> Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track

with fighting the good fight. As it were.

>

> Sandarah

>

> ---

>