Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all over again...

[Guest guest]

Mimi, it does help to write it down, doesn't it. Your rural retreat sounds

wonderful; wish I had one. Several times the past few years I almost invited

homeless people to stay with me out of guilt for living alone in a big place;

the last one turned out to be a heroin addict. It would have been a disaster.

But I do feel guilty about having abundance at times when there are so many

people out their in serious lack. It's complicated. I think the whole issue of

fearing you might somehow deserve cancer is very common. My sister died of a

brain tumor some years back. At one point she asked me what I thought she'd

done to deserve it. It broke my heart to think that she was blaming herself.

Too much to carry; too much to expect of ourselves. Certainly the struggle with

food is an equalizer re the whole spiritual hubris thing.

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> Subject: Re: Really truly hungry? Legalizing all

over again...

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Thursday, September 22, 2011, 9:07 PM

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> Yep, something in the air all right. I had a dream the other night where I was

struggling to wake myself up and let myself experience enjoyment but I couldn't;

I didn't want to wake up because I felt too alive in the dream and too dead in

real life...

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> I've known for a long time that it's hard for me to have fun - I never did

have a lot of it. Lately that fact has been creeping into my awareness. Life is

not fun. Food is not fun. I'm not any fun.

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> When I was younger (much) I used to have to have a couple of drinks before I

could " let my hair down " dance and be even a little bit silly. The next though

day I would feel incredible shame that I was so " out of control " .

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> Growing up if I were to sneak into the kitchen in the evening and look for

something to eat my older brother would yell, " Pig, pig, pig! " at me. Shame was

the payment for enjoying eating - and pretty much anything else as I recall.

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> This week I decided that I needed to re-legalize ice cream and consciously

work with that one item to completely open myself to. When I chose to go to the

store and intentionally buy ice cream to actually eat I felt so much shame it

was nearly paralyzing. I could feel my cheeks burning as if I were - what? What

would cause that much shame?! As if I were sneaking in and buying child

pornography?!! Ice cream?!! Felt like I should be hiding it under a raincoat on

the way home...

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> But I just pulled back and observed my struggle rather than try and fight it

or defend against it. As I checked out I was actually able to look around and

notice several people buying beer, wine and/or cigarettes. I reminded myself

that nearly everyone struggles with something, that nobody was judging me

anymore than they were judging and shaming themselves.

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> I ate the ice cream with some sense of pressure and conflict, but I did relax

enough to notice that I enjoyed every bite. Down to the bottom of the pint.

Today I ate a small lunch I was hungry for and then had an urge for ice cream. I

chose to fix some and vowed to enjoy it. I turned off the tv and sat and

experienced eating it. It was a little hard to do, I wasn't really hungry but I

feel I have to experiment with how to best deal with this conflicted and shamed

hunger.

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> I " talked back " to the guilt/shame impulses and kept affirming that I have the

right to have pleasure in my life and for now, eating is the most direct way to

learn to receive it. So, it's ok; even eating past full was ok because I knew

that it could still be snatched away for years on end. The only way to build

trust is to earn it; to prove that I am going to honor my hunger until I can

move past restriction and into choice. And, I'm not there yet.

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> This is hard work and it does feel a little crazy. But maybe if I start by

feeding that hungry self formerly forbidden foods, it/she/I will find the voice

to articulate what else I want/need in life.

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> So, for now I'm working with the premise that working through the shame I feel

about eating is pretty much bottom line. It's crazy to feel deep and abiding

shame for going into a grocery store and buying a pint of ice cream. Just crazy.

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> No wonder I've gobbled down things unconsciously for years - I didn't dare let

myself enjoy them because, after all, it was wrong to want them in the first

place. Right?

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> Hope all's well with everyone; and ironically I feel that I'm back on track

with fighting the good fight. As it were.

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> Sandarah

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