feeling sad

[Guest guest]

I havent been on here for a while...my nada died Aug 7, after being fragile for

a few years, then sick for several mos. A couple of weeks prior to her death,

when it was apparent she was dying, (hospitalized, nursing home), I became very

sad/anxious and sort of pre grieved her death. Then I was anxious but ok, and

felt mostly just relief after her death. relief that she could never fuck with

me again. Since her death I have had to work on estate details, and also we are

faced with cleaning out and fixing up her cluttered house (full of sentimental

items like photos), so that we can sell it. This isnt easy from 8 hours away.

But now, at Thansgiving, I find myself sad, really grieving for my father, who

died in Jan 2007. He was our caregiver (while he did enable nada), he loved my

sister and I. and now, with both of them gone, I feel like a displaced refugee.

I have this memory of going to their home for TG or Xmas, and the house would

smell like cooking, and I could sometimes (depending on nadas moods) enjoy just

hanging out with him, being family at a holiday time. nada would act up, there

would be drama, but I could always look forward to just smelling my dads

cooking, later cooking for him, and just sitting and reading the paper with him,

discussing his relatives, joking. I just miss him so much. I have very little

family now, and that makes me feel vulnerable and feel sorry for myself. I need

more social support, but I live in a small town and have made some efforts that

went nowhere. And I have a hard time seeking friendships when I am grieving, and

already not good with superficial relationships....

Joanna

[Guest guest]

(((((((joannar)))))))

I know how you feel; I miss my dad too. He was the parent I could share my

heart with; he was safe, I wasn't afraid of him. Although he rarely, rarely

intervened and protected me and Sister from nada's rages and constant criticism,

he and I were able to connect, and just spend time together enjoying each others

company. He treated me like I was a person with feelings, and I'll always love

him for that.

I think that in addition to missing our dear loved ones who aren't with us any

longer, and the family members we love and want to be with but can't, what you

and I miss during family holidays like today is the simple warmth of fellowship;

just being around people who are kind to each other instead of the kind of edgy,

prickly, tenuous " truce " we had in our foo.

This year I happen to be working today, but I got to have my Thanksgiving feast

early, and twice. There are two separate interest/hobby groups that I belong to

and each one had a big dinner party this last week.

Those dinners gave me a great deal of joy, and the homey cheer of a family

gathering, and I'm grateful for it. These groups gather together because we

genuinely enjoy sharing our common interest and we enjoy each other's company,

not because we are " fogged " into it (Fear Obligation Guilt). I've known some of

these folks for over 20 years now, and that kind of makes them like family; to

me anyway.

I hope that you can start to find or make a " chosen family " for yourself, this

coming year. Maybe your small town has interest or hobby groups that meet up,

or groups that get together to do service/charity work, political action groups,

discussion groups, dinner-and-a-movie groups, hiking groups, or a church you

could join. I find that joining a hobby club (of an activity or interest you

truly enjoy) automatically gives you a good topic for conversation and sharing a

common interest lets you get to know your fellow members in a gradual,

comfortable, safe way.

Maybe you can take on that project this coming year: start to research local

interest or hobby or service groups (or churches) that you can check out and see

if there's one or two that you like. I hope that will turn out as well for you

as it has worked for me.

-Annie

>

> I havent been on here for a while...my nada died Aug 7, after being fragile

for a few years, then sick for several mos. A couple of weeks prior to her

death, when it was apparent she was dying, (hospitalized, nursing home), I

became very sad/anxious and sort of pre grieved her death. Then I was anxious

but ok, and felt mostly just relief after her death. relief that she could

never fuck with me again. Since her death I have had to work on estate details,

and also we are faced with cleaning out and fixing up her cluttered house (full

of sentimental items like photos), so that we can sell it. This isnt easy from 8

hours away.

>

> But now, at Thansgiving, I find myself sad, really grieving for my father, who

died in Jan 2007. He was our caregiver (while he did enable nada), he loved my

sister and I. and now, with both of them gone, I feel like a displaced refugee.

I have this memory of going to their home for TG or Xmas, and the house would

smell like cooking, and I could sometimes (depending on nadas moods) enjoy just

hanging out with him, being family at a holiday time. nada would act up, there

would be drama, but I could always look forward to just smelling my dads

cooking, later cooking for him, and just sitting and reading the paper with him,

discussing his relatives, joking. I just miss him so much. I have very little

family now, and that makes me feel vulnerable and feel sorry for myself. I need

more social support, but I live in a small town and have made some efforts that

went nowhere. And I have a hard time seeking friendships when I am grieving, and

already not good with superficial relationships....

>

> Joanna

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sofia

It has been about 6 years since I read SWOE and became aware of my mom s

BPD and began the struggle to heal. Your T is right, and very wise. It

IS complicated grief. Grief which does not resolve in a year, or has

complications, such as anticipatory grief when a loved one is dying are

considered complicated. When does it end?

For me it has been 6 years. I ll let you know when my grieving ends.

It is not quick or easy. There are too many losses and too many

unresolved issues. Our lives are a long story of learning to manage

unhappiness, rather than learning to find happiness. When we approach

happiness, we find it blocked by the door of guilt. We desperately want

it, but don t believe we deserve it. We do. I can tell you that, and

tell myself that. Making ourselves believe it is another issue

altogether.

As for therapy, it is a tool in healing. Healing is a process, a

journey, not a destination or a product. While therapy is helping you

deal with your pain and emotions and heal, use it. If it is no longer

helping you, or cannot make progress at some moment in your life, then

take a break. You are , perhaps, caught up in the extreme/splitting all

or nothing thinking that our BP s teach us. No shades of grey, it is

white or black, good or evil, nothing in between.

I use Tums when I have an acid stomach. Sometimes I don t need them,

and I don t take them. Sometimes I eat hot wings, or Mexican food, or

get under stress, and my stomach kills me. So I take a Tums. Get it ?

There is no prize for " finishing " therapy.

When it helps you heal, use it. How long did you suffer what Nada put

you through? You didn t get sick and broken overnight. Don t expect to

heal overnight. You have started the journey. It is yours, uniquely.

Take your time, set your pace, do what you can, when you can, and be

gentle with yourself. Start by knowing that you are entitled to be, and

are, an individual human being, seperate and apart from Nada. If nada

has problems with that, and she will, those are her problems.

It is worth the time. It is worth the effort. You were injured deeply.

It is time to heal.

Indeed, may we all heal.

Doug

>

> Hi everyone,

> I was in therapy last week and I asked my therapist when will I be

done grieving. She told me what I have is complicated grief and there is

no specific timeframe for how long it will take. Has anyone here

experienced the grieving process after realizing the truth of the BP or

NPD in their life? How long did it take you? I'm so confused sometimes

and find guilt sucking me back to the relationship only to start the

whole cycle all over again. I feel anger all the time. I'm trying no

contact and it's really hard. I've at least started boundaries. It would

be nice to hear your experiences. Also for those of you in therapy, now

or in the past, how do you know when to stop therapy? I feel like I've

been relying on it forever!

> thanks,

> Sofia

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Em,

Thanks for sharing. It is good to know that others feel this way as well.

Being one of those attractive/achieving types is one of the hardest things for

me because I feel so sad inside sometimes. Plus, people target me with anger

and jealousy. Part of the appeal of this group is that no one can see me.

Somehow, I feel it wouldn't matter here; that I would still be accepted and

welcomed with open arms.

>

> Joanna,

>

> Please hang in there!

> People one this forum are like our little " circus family " so to speak.

> Please don't take this as if I believe we are all just Carnival people, I just

> think all of us come from

> somewhere only other BPD family/survivers can truly know.

> Personally I am one of those " attractive, achieving, outgoing, so called most

> likely to succeed types " bullcrap is what I say.

> I'm sad inside and feel left out.

> I feel a lot like you are saying you feel despite all the outward appearances

> that people see.

> Please feel safe in knowing this much: we all had to put up with BS and pain

and

> rejection etc..

>

> Em

>