UPDATE re: first contact with nada in 17 months

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I have been away from the group for a couple of weeks letting nadas

apology sink in and deciding if I wanted to do anything. I still can't believe I

only discovered BPD and this group in October! You have all helped with bringing

me out of the dark days and realising others experience the same feelings.

As you all may remember my sister and dad who both live with nada have been LC

with me since I refused to be in oz anymore and my brother just won't talk about

it. However they all have the time and energy to sort out my brother and talk

about his problems and how they want to make sure he has a support network, this

has really hurt me but have decided to try and ignore all that bs and

concentrate on ME. Hard to do when you are naturally a problem solver/shoulder

for others.

I contacted nada, dad and sister to say I am visiting the area as not going to

be around at Christmas and if they would like to meet for a meal at local place

with my husband. I was immediately told yes, then the persuasion started...

My husband had warned me to stand firm. Dad (being a nada monkey) told me to

come to the house first for coffee before we go. I told him no, I don't feel

comfortable with that yet. He acted surprised and said don't you want to see

what we have done to the place (was banned by nada 17 months ago from going

there).

Then the next phone call was all about my brother, he is coming to visit that

exact evening blah blah...I told them he knows that is the date I am visiting

and so do you so make the choice. They chose eventually to come out with me

while making it clear my brother had to rearrange his time.

The next call was from dad with nada in the background saying let's go somewhere

else to eat - mind you your mother says she is not sure they will do the sort of

food you eat...I said no, the place I suggested is good for us, everyone likes

it there and it is close to everyone. I ignored the food comment as overweight

nada knows I only eat healthy food not the deep fried prefrozen rubbish she

insists on feeding people. Yet again trying show me to be a freak for trying to

be healthy and keep fit.

So...sorry for the long post but all of this is my preparation for the meeting.

I think the actual issues may be ignored and it will be a fake family outing and

maybe that is easier to face. I am not sure how I will handle nada if she is

genuinely sorry or cries or hugs me or is nice or horrible. So confused and

worried again but feel I need to do this.However, husband will be with me at all

times, I will not go to her house and will leave the meal if I feel

uncomfortable. He has warned me that if she gets nasty he may not be able to

hold his tongue.

Your prayers or positive vibes over the next few days would be appreciated!

Thanks for reading x

>

> From " freegletime " :

> " I actually feel pretty loved by family at the moment, my sister, brother and

dad are still in oz but I am not and never will be again.

> I think I could see nada now without feeling anger hate or love, just going to

make sure I have my DH or someone else I trust with me as don't want to spend

any time alone with her at this point. "

>

>

> From Annie:

> " I seem to bring out the worst in my nada, and vice versa. "

> -Annie

> ====================================

>

>

> Dear Freegletime, Annie, and others,

>

> I'm not going back to oz either. It's interesting how Annie mentioned that we

bring out the worst in each other. I have definitely noticed that.

>

> Ok, so before I found this group, I went to Nada's rescue. My step-dad passed

away and nada needed to move, deal with health insurance etc., and figure out

how to live on her own. I got into it REALLY deep - advising her and referring

her to professionals around town to help and even helping her move into a house

WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE of mine!!! Of course, she hurt my business reputation

with associates and did just about everybody wrong in the process. She was

driving me totally nuts with the constant phone calls and pleas/demands for

help.

>

> So I started looking into BPD because I had suspected it before. Only after

her " stabilizer/enabler's " death, did I learn how severely affected she was.

Then I realized that my childhood was not normal. For example, up until

yesterday, I thought that all adults killed their children's pets. I'm not

quite as dense as I sound; there are just so many things I never thought to

question and didn't want to think about anyway.

>

> So I got the bright idea to walk over there with my youngest son yesterday.

What was I thinking? So many times, the idealistic vision in my mind is so

nice. I set myself up for this stuff. Of course, I called first to reinforce

the boundary I set years before that she call before " stopping by " . This helps

me get ready, armor in place, before she arrives.

>

> Anyway, she was severely depressed, dark mood and appearance, saying only

dramatically negative things about her horrible life - doesn't have enough

money, can't get health insurance, too old to get a job, lonely, etc. etc. etc.

I didn't go in the house and had a " clinical " view of the situation. A month

ago, I never would have thought I could be around her without buying in to the

games and guilt. I wasn't angry, just didn't feel much good or bad. I felt

kind of like I imagine a " normal " person would feel. I just didn't want to be

around this unpleasant woman. So I politely said I needed to get my son home

for nap and left with a wave and a smile. Amazing.

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

> (One meaning for this name is that she is so dark and depressed much of the

time, pulls the blinds and won't go into the sunshine. I actually wondered at

one time if she was a vampire. :-) It's like she is tunneling through this

dark, heavy coal in a mine, by choice, ironically digging herself in deeper all

the time.)

>