Walking Away.....to JOY

[Guest guest]

All,

Both my NADA and FADA died just over a year ago. Just before my FADA died I

discovered this site and BPD - finally an answer for all of the craziness of so

many, many years. After much reading and finding this site I realized that

there is created a dynamic in a BPD " family " that affects everyone in the family

in one way or another. And I have found that in my experience, my siblings and

I were pitted against each other or shown favoring or painted black so that the

final outcome is that we can no longer even be there for each other during our

grieving.

But in this last year I came to realize, that if I knew in my 20's what I know

now - I would walk away from my family and never look back. I would have become

an artist and expressed all the talent and creativity I have pent up in me; have

traveled a spiritual path of my choosing without shame; have expressed my

sexuality on my terms; and never felt a single bit of guilt for leaving.

Spending a lifetime trying to " manage " a relationship with someone who does not

have the capacity to change out of some moral responsiblity of " doing the right

thing " was an incredible waste of a life - mine. If that person were anyone but

our NADA or FADA we would usher them out of our lives so fast and we would never

even consider inventing all the tricks and countermeasures and all the other

gyrations we go through to keep a relationship going that is deadly to our

Spirits. And there is no question that these people are so conniving, so

manipulative that they will find a way to go on with out you and get as much

victim mileage out of anyone they can about how awful you are.

I guess what I am saying here is I read so much about how badly we all were

treated and so much about how so many are still trying to make some sort of

relationship with their NADA's. We get a lot of mileage out of telling our

stories about what NADA's done now....like it is any surprise she has pulled

some new manipulation our of her bag of tricks. And yet we are so proud when we

have created a bunch of new strategies for dealing with them

It is all a colossal waste of time! It is like trying to manipulate and change

the hampster wheel while we are running on it. We are STILL running on the damn

wheel! Wasting our lives and energies on the damn wheel. GET OFF THE WHEEL!

GET OUT OF THE CAGE! SAVE YOURSELVES!

We were all trapped by all that we have been trained to believe in our culture

about family and sticking by them and doing the right thing and being loyal and

loving our mothers. It is all bullshit when the mother is a NADA. They don't

deserve or warrant the title or the privileges and rights that come with it.

They might have birthed us, but that is were it ended.

So where I am going here is if you know this truth about your NADA and you are

still young - get the hell away! Don't spend your time trying to work it out,

set boundaries, play against her game, and on and on. Don't expose your

children to this madness or the terrible distraction and anxiety it creates in

you robbing you and your children and your spouses' of YOUR joy! Cut them loose

and don't look back! Never regret your choice for your Spirit to soar - that

is, I believe, what the great God, Goddess, All There Is truly wants for us - to

soar with joy in our hearts.

Since my NADA and FADA have passed, and I have finally moved out of total

despondency (I also lost my partner of 15 years and my job and spent two rounds

in the nut ward myself) - and with the help of my therapist, this board, The

Well of Mercy, and many other books and resources - I am finally going for all

those things that I didn't pursue because of the nagging from NADA and FADA

about how they weren't " practical " or a " waste of time " or blah blah blah - I am

drawing for the first time in my life, I am writing poetry for the first time in

my life, I am back studying the healing arts and work I abandoned years ago - I

am pursuing spirituality and am seeking a program of study that may lead to a

complete career change working serving others - something that has lain dormant

in my heart for so long.

I am finally FREE! And I am unburdening myself of my siblings as well and

letting them find their own way. Is this selfish - you damn right it is! And I

deserve it - and my message is that SO DO YOU!

And yes, we all need each other here to sort through the wreakage - to clean out

our houses and to re-create ourselves into who our Spirit longs to be - but I

would rather be helping each of you do that than to spend another second trying

to figure out what " NADA's " next move is going to be and how to avoid the

torpedo or put in enough sandbags and protections to keep from getting

annihilated.

It was Doug who planted the seed in me when he said: It is finally over, .

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. That simple statement shook my from my

grief into the realization that it WAS indeed, finally over and set me on the

path to discovering my own freedom. And yes, I have still had struggles. The

loneliness has been unbearable at times - and I have few skills to reach out and

make new friends - but I am trying - bit by bit.

I know you will all do what ever you do - but think, please ask your self before

you go to battle with her again - do I really have to keep doing this? What is

the calling of my Spirit? Who am I really and is this the way I want to live my

days? What gifts are you keeping hidden from the world by spending your

precious time trying to clean up a mess that just self generates? Life is so

incredibly short.

Love and Blessings to you all,