Re: I'm so discouraged... more thoughts about IE...

[Guest guest]

I've been thinking since my last post and my confrontation with the person in

the mirror today. There's no shame in what I weigh; but it's not what I'd like

to weigh and I need to accecpt that it is the result of a lot of things. Some

of which I'm probably not aware.

Finding the secret to progress in IE is like looking for the proverbial needle

but with no sense of feeling or sight. How to proceed, to work harder, is

illusive and clearly wrong-heaaded to even consider. That's the old model -

working harder to conquer the body and vanquish the appetite.

I know that a lot of my eating pattern stems from years of rebelling against the

last/next diet. But I think there's also a lot of faulty assumptions in the way

I respond to life/people as well. That and a couple of metabolic traits that

probably don't help much.

For the emotional part, I often feel victimized and have terrible personal

boundaries. I'm way too giving of my time and energy, which I realize is about

people pleasing, though it doesn't feel that way when I do it. In other words,

I deplete myself. I over work and over extend. It's very hard for me to stop

and rest when I'm working.

I'm hyper critical of myself, especially my weight, and long to be pretty again.

Even though I hate admitting that - I'd like to be a better person - but showing

up at the party Monday evening looking the way I'll look is a very hard pill to

swallow.

That said - I don't have a clue as to how to make/let/allow myself to be a

different kind of person. I guess I just have to accept this is an organic

process that will evolve over time. I can't control it, I can't force it - I

can only work with the IE non-diet concepts day by day. Reading and writing

here is a genuine Godsend without which I'd never be able to come close to

staying on track.

I came into this a few short months ago convinced that I needed a very strong,

very rigid program with nearly daily check-ins of some kind to keep me on track.

I'd been considering several doctor-based diet approaches that would have been

expensive and utterly restrictive in order to control every morsel I ate. But

boy, what a huge price to pay in the further loss of connection to self. Not to

mention the rebound eating once I was no longer checking in regularly with a

doctor in order to know what to eat every stinking day the rest of my life.

So for now I will need to suck it up for the party, try and reality check my

self pity - and self consciousness - and talk down my tendency to criticize

myself unmercifully. That and I need to muster up some patience and

understanding that this is a long-term project, utterly unlike a weight loss

venture. This is going to be an on-going process and undoubtedly one of the

hardest {and ultimately most worthwhile} of my life. I think most of all IE

requires a maturing process that I have missed somewhere along the way.

It surely isn't easy but again, what choice is there?

Sandarah

> >

> > I haven't weighed myself for two months now, and about smooth and a half or

less ago I went and bought five new pairs of pants that actually fit me, and now

they're all too tight too! What do I do? I'm so discouraged. I know I'm not

going to diet, but I don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger. I want to

live in the world where no one would ever gain or lose an ounce, and I wouldn't

have to think about any of this. I don't want to think about it, but I don't

want to keep getting bigger and bigger either.

> >

> > Many things are going well. I have sweets in the house that I'm eating

periodically (I,m really enjoying baking again, and am surprised at how few of

the baked things I need to feel satisfied). I',m finding myself realizing when

I'm full and stopping, if not exactly at that moment then sooner than I would

have before. I'm not eating meals when I'm not hungry, and often skipping meals

altogether when I've eaten a lot earlier. But still.....

> >

> > I don't like it. I'm going out in a little while and buying yet another

round of pants, because I refuse to wear too-tight pants, and I want some tops

to wear to work that actually look good.

> >

> > Sigh.

> >

> > Tilley

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I hope you understand how far you have come in just a short time.  I enjoy reading your posts because I learn a lot about my self too and you shed a lot of light on many issues. I wish you the best at the party.  I bought some new clothes yesterday and am going through a bit of a body image struggle.  What I bought really acccentuated the added weight. So I  can decide to play with that and return the items or look for something more " flattering " or exam more deeply the issues behind my judgements.  I think I would like to do any /all of that playfully if I can. In the meantime I am experimenting with new recipes(not for weight loss), mostly for health reasons and partly to play with my food and get out of the rut of eating the same old thing. So far it has been fun and creative. I like what you said about " working harder " is an illusion, the old model.  I too found it very hard to not have rigid rules like in the diet models.  Those were " easy " because the choices were outside myself.  Finding my way through IE like you said is like a blind person looking for that needle.  And you are so right: this is a journey, day by day. Trying to notice without judgement was a great step forward for me.  Yet I find myself stepping " backwards " (judgement) some days. Looking forward to you next post and the after party update.  Sandy

 

I've been thinking since my last post and my confrontation with the person in the mirror today. There's no shame in what I weigh; but it's not what I'd like to weigh and I need to accecpt that it is the result of a lot of things. Some of which I'm probably not aware.

Finding the secret to progress in IE is like looking for the proverbial needle but with no sense of feeling or sight. How to proceed, to work harder, is illusive and clearly wrong-heaaded to even consider. That's the old model - working harder to conquer the body and vanquish the appetite.

I know that a lot of my eating pattern stems from years of rebelling against the last/next diet. But I think there's also a lot of faulty assumptions in the way I respond to life/people as well. That and a couple of metabolic traits that probably don't help much.

For the emotional part, I often feel victimized and have terrible personal boundaries. I'm way too giving of my time and energy, which I realize is about people pleasing, though it doesn't feel that way when I do it. In other words, I deplete myself. I over work and over extend. It's very hard for me to stop and rest when I'm working.

I'm hyper critical of myself, especially my weight, and long to be pretty again. Even though I hate admitting that - I'd like to be a better person - but showing up at the party Monday evening looking the way I'll look is a very hard pill to swallow.

That said - I don't have a clue as to how to make/let/allow myself to be a different kind of person. I guess I just have to accept this is an organic process that will evolve over time. I can't control it, I can't force it - I can only work with the IE non-diet concepts day by day. Reading and writing here is a genuine Godsend without which I'd never be able to come close to staying on track.

I came into this a few short months ago convinced that I needed a very strong, very rigid program with nearly daily check-ins of some kind to keep me on track. I'd been considering several doctor-based diet approaches that would have been expensive and utterly restrictive in order to control every morsel I ate. But boy, what a huge price to pay in the further loss of connection to self. Not to mention the rebound eating once I was no longer checking in regularly with a doctor in order to know what to eat every stinking day the rest of my life.

So for now I will need to suck it up for the party, try and reality check my self pity - and self consciousness - and talk down my tendency to criticize myself unmercifully. That and I need to muster up some patience and understanding that this is a long-term project, utterly unlike a weight loss venture. This is going to be an on-going process and undoubtedly one of the hardest {and ultimately most worthwhile} of my life. I think most of all IE requires a maturing process that I have missed somewhere along the way.

It surely isn't easy but again, what choice is there?

Sandarah

> >

> > I haven't weighed myself for two months now, and about smooth and a half or less ago I went and bought five new pairs of pants that actually fit me, and now they're all too tight too! What do I do? I'm so discouraged. I know I'm not going to diet, but I don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger. I want to live in the world where no one would ever gain or lose an ounce, and I wouldn't have to think about any of this. I don't want to think about it, but I don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger either.

> >

> > Many things are going well. I have sweets in the house that I'm eating periodically (I,m really enjoying baking again, and am surprised at how few of the baked things I need to feel satisfied). I',m finding myself realizing when I'm full and stopping, if not exactly at that moment then sooner than I would have before. I'm not eating meals when I'm not hungry, and often skipping meals altogether when I've eaten a lot earlier. But still.....

> >

> > I don't like it. I'm going out in a little while and buying yet another round of pants, because I refuse to wear too-tight pants, and I want some tops to wear to work that actually look good.

> >

> > Sigh.

> >

> > Tilley

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I hope you understand how far you have come in just a short time.  I enjoy reading your posts because I learn a lot about my self too and you shed a lot of light on many issues. I wish you the best at the party.  I bought some new clothes yesterday and am going through a bit of a body image struggle.  What I bought really acccentuated the added weight. So I  can decide to play with that and return the items or look for something more " flattering " or exam more deeply the issues behind my judgements.  I think I would like to do any /all of that playfully if I can. In the meantime I am experimenting with new recipes(not for weight loss), mostly for health reasons and partly to play with my food and get out of the rut of eating the same old thing. So far it has been fun and creative. I like what you said about " working harder " is an illusion, the old model.  I too found it very hard to not have rigid rules like in the diet models.  Those were " easy " because the choices were outside myself.  Finding my way through IE like you said is like a blind person looking for that needle.  And you are so right: this is a journey, day by day. Trying to notice without judgement was a great step forward for me.  Yet I find myself stepping " backwards " (judgement) some days. Looking forward to you next post and the after party update.  Sandy

 

I've been thinking since my last post and my confrontation with the person in the mirror today. There's no shame in what I weigh; but it's not what I'd like to weigh and I need to accecpt that it is the result of a lot of things. Some of which I'm probably not aware.

Finding the secret to progress in IE is like looking for the proverbial needle but with no sense of feeling or sight. How to proceed, to work harder, is illusive and clearly wrong-heaaded to even consider. That's the old model - working harder to conquer the body and vanquish the appetite.

I know that a lot of my eating pattern stems from years of rebelling against the last/next diet. But I think there's also a lot of faulty assumptions in the way I respond to life/people as well. That and a couple of metabolic traits that probably don't help much.

For the emotional part, I often feel victimized and have terrible personal boundaries. I'm way too giving of my time and energy, which I realize is about people pleasing, though it doesn't feel that way when I do it. In other words, I deplete myself. I over work and over extend. It's very hard for me to stop and rest when I'm working.

I'm hyper critical of myself, especially my weight, and long to be pretty again. Even though I hate admitting that - I'd like to be a better person - but showing up at the party Monday evening looking the way I'll look is a very hard pill to swallow.

That said - I don't have a clue as to how to make/let/allow myself to be a different kind of person. I guess I just have to accept this is an organic process that will evolve over time. I can't control it, I can't force it - I can only work with the IE non-diet concepts day by day. Reading and writing here is a genuine Godsend without which I'd never be able to come close to staying on track.

I came into this a few short months ago convinced that I needed a very strong, very rigid program with nearly daily check-ins of some kind to keep me on track. I'd been considering several doctor-based diet approaches that would have been expensive and utterly restrictive in order to control every morsel I ate. But boy, what a huge price to pay in the further loss of connection to self. Not to mention the rebound eating once I was no longer checking in regularly with a doctor in order to know what to eat every stinking day the rest of my life.

So for now I will need to suck it up for the party, try and reality check my self pity - and self consciousness - and talk down my tendency to criticize myself unmercifully. That and I need to muster up some patience and understanding that this is a long-term project, utterly unlike a weight loss venture. This is going to be an on-going process and undoubtedly one of the hardest {and ultimately most worthwhile} of my life. I think most of all IE requires a maturing process that I have missed somewhere along the way.

It surely isn't easy but again, what choice is there?

Sandarah

> >

> > I haven't weighed myself for two months now, and about smooth and a half or less ago I went and bought five new pairs of pants that actually fit me, and now they're all too tight too! What do I do? I'm so discouraged. I know I'm not going to diet, but I don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger. I want to live in the world where no one would ever gain or lose an ounce, and I wouldn't have to think about any of this. I don't want to think about it, but I don't want to keep getting bigger and bigger either.

> >

> > Many things are going well. I have sweets in the house that I'm eating periodically (I,m really enjoying baking again, and am surprised at how few of the baked things I need to feel satisfied). I',m finding myself realizing when I'm full and stopping, if not exactly at that moment then sooner than I would have before. I'm not eating meals when I'm not hungry, and often skipping meals altogether when I've eaten a lot earlier. But still.....

> >

> > I don't like it. I'm going out in a little while and buying yet another round of pants, because I refuse to wear too-tight pants, and I want some tops to wear to work that actually look good.

> >

> > Sigh.

> >

> > Tilley

> >

>