I have to do something but what?

January 12, 2011

Hi all,

Over the past few weeks I've trying to recover from the horrific incident that

was my Christmas (I posted it elsewhere but long story short, but mother flew

into a violent rage, was hyperparanoid the whole time, and in the end we all

spent 2 days not being able to talk to anyone in the house because of her

paranoia--2 days snowed in without being able to have any conversation and only

basic cable and a broken DVD player).

The thing is, anytime there is any contact from my mother, the trauma starts all

over again. I mean, we've barely talked since Christmas--only one phone call

that lasted 2 seconds for her to say Happy New Year. The rest has been via

Facebook. At first she commented on my posts (like nothing was wrong and she

hadn't said these awful things about and to me), so I took your advice and made

it so she can still be a friend on Facebook, but not comment. Then, I got my

hair cut (13.5 inches off) and posted some pics to Facebook. Since she couldn't

comment, she sent me a Facebook email. Then this morning, she posted all the

pics from Xmas and tagged me in them.

Now, I haven't had any conversation with her about what happened--my guess is

that she would deny it all happened anyways--and I haven't stated any actual

boundaries with her. But I think it's time to. Every time I have any contact

with her, it triggers me now. I get severely depressed and just want to go

sleep. But then when I do sleep, I have all these awful dreams concerning her. I

haven't had one night of peace since I returned--all awful dreams.

I don't want to hang out with friends because I don't feel normal anymore. I

mean, I want to, but I'm scared to because I might just start crying. I tried to

tell my friends about what happened, but they just didn't understand--and I

think they were also embarrassed that I was sharing it with them.

I haven't been able to talk to my stepfather to get an update about what

happened. Everyone in my family is downplaying it like it wasn't that big of a

deal. I'm sitting here, freaking traumatized, and they're acting like nothing

happened!

I can block my mom entirely on Facebook, but what do I say to her when I do

that? How do I have a conversation with a woman who doesn't acknowledge that

anything is wrong, that she did anything wrong, or that anything even happened?

I don't want to hurt her, but it's been almost three weeks, and I haven't been

able to move on because my abuser is still abusing me, basically.

Please help. I need this year to turn around.

Thanks to all,

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