Re: Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

[Guest guest]

Well, i don't know what that means... but I absolutely hear you. I also

have compassion for my nada and would like to see her get help, but even if

she did I'm not sure I would be so keen on having her back in my life. I

guess I'd just like to see her get help so she can enjoy what's left of her

time here on earth. At this point, though, I have a feeling when she does

pass on that I will be saying/thinking " well I hope she finds the peace in

death that she never found in life " .

Ok, that's morbid, but it's true.

Good luck tomorrow. If you've never been to therapy it can be a little

nerve wracking at first. But I hope you found a good one and that you feel

comfortable with him quickly. I have had far better luck with therapists

than I have with psychiatrists. I hope you can have some of that luck too!

=)

Mia

>

>

> Yeah, my first appointment is tomorrow. I'm going to take my journal with

> me, but I don't want to mention too much of what we've speculated here,

> because I want his perspective, but I'm definitely telling him about the

> dreams, what happened at Christmas, the panic attacks, well, everything.

>

> Mia, something else I wanted to say...I don't love my mother either. I was

> thinking about it and trying to ask myself, do I really love her? And so I

> compared that to my reaction to the question: do I love my father? Yes, I

> absolutely do, even though he's done things that are hurtful. But I have a

> real relationship with my father. I can list things that he taught me, and

> still teaches me. My father has an identity, and therefore I can love him.

> My mother is just this psyche, no real true identity, she morphs to whatever

> situation she is in (and that can be very dangerous). I don't know who she

> is, and saying simply that she is my mother, doesn't help because to me a

> mother is not a necessarily good thing.

>

> I have a lot of compassion and pity for her. But if you asked me if I love

> her...frankly, well, I don't know. But on the other hand, I very much love

> my stepmother, and she's only been my stepmother for 8 years. So what does

> that mean?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, i don't know what that means... but I absolutely hear you. I also

have compassion for my nada and would like to see her get help, but even if

she did I'm not sure I would be so keen on having her back in my life. I

guess I'd just like to see her get help so she can enjoy what's left of her

time here on earth. At this point, though, I have a feeling when she does

pass on that I will be saying/thinking " well I hope she finds the peace in

death that she never found in life " .

Ok, that's morbid, but it's true.

Good luck tomorrow. If you've never been to therapy it can be a little

nerve wracking at first. But I hope you found a good one and that you feel

comfortable with him quickly. I have had far better luck with therapists

than I have with psychiatrists. I hope you can have some of that luck too!

=)

Mia

>

>

> Yeah, my first appointment is tomorrow. I'm going to take my journal with

> me, but I don't want to mention too much of what we've speculated here,

> because I want his perspective, but I'm definitely telling him about the

> dreams, what happened at Christmas, the panic attacks, well, everything.

>

> Mia, something else I wanted to say...I don't love my mother either. I was

> thinking about it and trying to ask myself, do I really love her? And so I

> compared that to my reaction to the question: do I love my father? Yes, I

> absolutely do, even though he's done things that are hurtful. But I have a

> real relationship with my father. I can list things that he taught me, and

> still teaches me. My father has an identity, and therefore I can love him.

> My mother is just this psyche, no real true identity, she morphs to whatever

> situation she is in (and that can be very dangerous). I don't know who she

> is, and saying simply that she is my mother, doesn't help because to me a

> mother is not a necessarily good thing.

>

> I have a lot of compassion and pity for her. But if you asked me if I love

> her...frankly, well, I don't know. But on the other hand, I very much love

> my stepmother, and she's only been my stepmother for 8 years. So what does

> that mean?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, i don't know what that means... but I absolutely hear you. I also

have compassion for my nada and would like to see her get help, but even if

she did I'm not sure I would be so keen on having her back in my life. I

guess I'd just like to see her get help so she can enjoy what's left of her

time here on earth. At this point, though, I have a feeling when she does

pass on that I will be saying/thinking " well I hope she finds the peace in

death that she never found in life " .

Ok, that's morbid, but it's true.

Good luck tomorrow. If you've never been to therapy it can be a little

nerve wracking at first. But I hope you found a good one and that you feel

comfortable with him quickly. I have had far better luck with therapists

than I have with psychiatrists. I hope you can have some of that luck too!

=)

Mia

>

>

> Yeah, my first appointment is tomorrow. I'm going to take my journal with

> me, but I don't want to mention too much of what we've speculated here,

> because I want his perspective, but I'm definitely telling him about the

> dreams, what happened at Christmas, the panic attacks, well, everything.

>

> Mia, something else I wanted to say...I don't love my mother either. I was

> thinking about it and trying to ask myself, do I really love her? And so I

> compared that to my reaction to the question: do I love my father? Yes, I

> absolutely do, even though he's done things that are hurtful. But I have a

> real relationship with my father. I can list things that he taught me, and

> still teaches me. My father has an identity, and therefore I can love him.

> My mother is just this psyche, no real true identity, she morphs to whatever

> situation she is in (and that can be very dangerous). I don't know who she

> is, and saying simply that she is my mother, doesn't help because to me a

> mother is not a necessarily good thing.

>

> I have a lot of compassion and pity for her. But if you asked me if I love

> her...frankly, well, I don't know. But on the other hand, I very much love

> my stepmother, and she's only been my stepmother for 8 years. So what does

> that mean?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can.  My situation isn't as severe as yours but I do understand being

afraid of what is going to happen next.  I conversations with my mother I am

with drawn and tense because I don't know if it's gonna be emotionally a hit or

emotionally sweet.  Therefore, on guard at all times.  I'm begining the work

to

understand how I can change myself to deal with this in a healther way.  So far

it's the consistent remembering that she is very, very emotional and scared

when

she's being negative.  It puts me at a small ease.  Didn't work this morning

but

it's a day by day practice especially when it's a parent. : )

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, January 26, 2011 8:00:41 PM

Subject: Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

 

Well, I have made all these efforts so nada can only reach me through either my

personal cell phone or my email. She called me at work, causing me to have a

panic attack, and she was commenting all over Facebook. I sent her an email

asking her to only call me at work in the case of a life or death emergency. She

never responded to it. She then makes some fake cheerful comments on Facebook,

and I've blocked her, and I'm damn sure she's aware she can't see anything of

mine anymore--she spends hours on Facebook stalking people.

But she has not responded to my boundary setting or my blocking, and I'm waiting

for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for her to sneak through and get to me

some other way and pretend like it's totally normal. ly, it's not that I

can't handle contact with her, it's the sneak attacks that catch me off guard

and scare the crap out of me. Because that's exactly how Christmas was. You

thought she was finished and start to go to sleep, then she would dart out of

her room and start raging at everyone again, waking the whole house up. My brain

is conditioned, I think, to associate this unexpected or sneak attack behavior

with a frightening, deathly-terrifying event in which I was afraid for my own

safety. (Wow, that's kind of a big realization for me.)

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm afraid my relating of this feeling

is a bit disjointed.