Christmas turned into a Kafka-esque nightmare

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two books

and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got irritated

with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I was doing at

school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th birthday came

around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not want " Can't I

just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her deeply. But I needed

space. My parents fought all the time, and I could never invite friends over.

When I think back to it, most fights were instigated by my mother. When she and

my father divorced in my early 20s, she went through a deep depression (which I

believe she sought treatment for) and my brothers and I lived with her in

rotations doing unspoken suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound,

she married an old family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out

if it because I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had

raised her brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had

3 children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she should

enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or tied down

by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those concerns fell on

deaf ears.

She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that between

the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed with bipolar

disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking medication, but I'm also

not sure what it was or what it's purpose was. Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize,

so I'm skipping over some things) she has been remarried for a little less than

a decade now. I thought things were going well for her--that she was finally

finding some happiness, besides the strain of a custody battle over her new

husband's son.

I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very expensive

trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a visit for a few

years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I noticed things were

off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days, in a good mood, but

absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of this story, let me say that

I accept responsibility for the fact that I probably did not handle some things

very well. But at the time I didn't know what I was dealing with. I thought I

was dealing with my mother, but it's clear to me now that she was lost and

locked away in a fortress of some kind of defense mechanism, be it BPD or

otherwise.

I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother, and,

when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been this way.

He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out of hand and he

wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her to get some help. I

wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me, but she doesn't listen to

me. When I was little I was the golden child but when I grew up I became the

black sheep. I told him that he should enlist the help of my eldest brother, who

was her current golden child. He didn't seem sure we could wait that long.

Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid and

insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him mention

three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline Personality

Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My mother who never

swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most unChristian fashion.

She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about everything in the world, most

of it unconnected and completely unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage

her, he tried to be calm and reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back

to one of her rants. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally.

Of course, after reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still

hurts. She became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course

of the rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem. This

all happened Christmas night.

The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no one

in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and violent

reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control us.

I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She didn't

just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of psychotic

break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't even seem to

think it happened.

I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this way.

I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying that it's

caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or angry. I know

that I should forgive her for the things that she said and what she did. And I

do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less angry.

I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping mechanisms I

can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of you must know

what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where others might have

experienced what I'm going through now.