framing it as a tantrum

[Guest guest]

Hi WTO,

So in the normal order of things, one would be rejuvenated after a holiday, with

energy on reserve to face work again. Not so for me. Nada's text and email and

phone arising over the holiday has left me in need of deep work and in a defecit

of the emotional energy I need--and what a surprise, my work is suffering. I'm

running late today.

I realized last night that nada throws a tantrum like a three year old in

opposition to me not contacting her. I hope this paradigm can help some of us

sort this out and release it. Think of a three year old who was told, if you do

x behaviour, you don't get a cookie. Then she does x behaviour, and asks for

the cookie, and then all HELL breaks loose in a screaming tantrum when she's

told she can't have it. And everyone around is supposed to feel her pain, and

not be happy, because this is--well, it's a tantrum. Designed to make the

punishing authority SO unhappy, that they give in, and give her the damned prize

anyway.

This is what's happening with nada resisting NC right now. She molested and

abused me brutally and atrociously my whole life, emotional torture. Now I

don't want to see her any more. For bpds of course, contact with

people--controlling their presence--is the big prize, the cookie. She was bad

and she doesn't want to face the natural consequences. So she is throwing a FIT

(she used to use that phrase a lot) and trying to make me feel like the world is

ending, and I am BAD and evil for making her so upset.

What is hard for me is releasing this, so I can be happy. I am the child, not

the parent. I was biologically dependent on this monster. Yet now I have to

somehow be the parent, and say, I'm sorry you are upset but throwing a tantrum

will not change the consequences of your actions. That is how the experts say

to handle toddlers--just let them cry through it but be firm and steady and

consistent. Nada hurt me so badly that, by the laws of the world, I should not

have to see her ever again--it's like there is no rule that says you have to put

your hand in a fire, or cut your own arm off, etc. I am vulnerable for some

reason to her tantrum. I want to just feel HAPPY and normal and it is extremely

hard when my biological mother is playing the kid, and throwing a tantrum in the

next room.

That's why all those calls and texts were so hard--or, part of why. It is NOT

easy to completely pull yourself away from the biological relationship, feel

grown up, safe, and independent, while your 'mother' is doing this.

But I have to go to work, so I'm trying.

--Charlotte