Just figured out my Dad probably has BPD.. need advice

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

I am new to this group... as I was wandering around in and Noble today

I found a book called " Stop Walking on Eggshells " - When Someone you Love has

BPD. So I picked it up and started reading, and my jaw literally dropped as I

read the " symptoms " of living with someone with BPD and they almost universally

applied to my experience with my father.

I have been in college for 3 years and therefore away from home most of the

time, which has been great for me personally. I have a great life, love my

college and major, with amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend and healthy

relationship. I have not, however, had the greatest relationship with my father

ever since I can remember. Apparently he was great with me when I was little,

but as soon as I was old enough to have my own opinions and make my own

decisions he and I have butted heads. He has always been a major control freak,

to the point of manipulation to make sure he stays in control of things, and it

has been rough on my mom (who is a non-bp). My parents have never had a great

marriage, and they separated for a while when I was in middle school, but stuck

it out for my benefit. Now she is fed up with his controlling nature and their

relationship is essentially non existent, so she wants a separation or divorce.

She told him this, and apparently his response was more avoidant than anything

else. This surprised me, because he has frequently badmouthed her to me and it

seemed to me that he would be fine with a divorce. It was not until I learned of

and read about BPD that I now am convinced and understand exactly why he acts

the way he does.

I am struggling at the moment between being relieved that there is a reason

he is the way he is, and coming up with the best way to deal with it. He does

not know that he fits BPD to a tee, but I know that the impending divorce has

thrown him into a depression. A few weeks ago, he sent me a long email while I

was at school apologizing for " failing me " and basically saying some of the most

introspective things I have ever heard him say, including admitting that his

father's physical and verbal abuse messed him up and it has made it difficult

for him to show love, etc. I responded, trying to be sympathetic while not

completely forgiving his behavior (because this is a somewhat frequent

occurrence) and asked him if there was a way we could communicate better that

would alleviate some of his pain. The next few email exchanges were almost

avoidant, as if he was embarrassed about the initial email. I know exactly why

he emailed me, because he has burned bridges with his entire side of the family

and now that my mom wants to leave him, I am the only one he has left. He also

sent a similar email to his sister, who he has not spoken to for almost 10 years

(because of some trivial wrongdoing on her part), again because he was probably

feeling lonely and abandoned.

Now that I have read about BPD, it is the only thing that explains his behavior.

He has always been unpredictable, verbally abusive at times, manipulative,

passive aggressive, and has almost child-like reactions to things (he once sent

me an email saying " I get the message, loud and clear - two's company, three's a

crowd. Love, I guess, Papa. " after I had my mom drive me to school for the

semester rather than him or both of them). He is impossible to reason with and

often illogical. So there is no doubt in my mind that he has BPD.

I am in need of advice because I do not know where to go from here. My

interactions with him are increasingly more difficult, as I get older and he

loses more control over me coupled with the fact that my mom wants a divorce (he

is almost clingy and needy at this point). I am still tied to him somewhat

financially for a few more months, and he is showing signs that he is not going

to give up control of my finances without a fight. I feel like I have a duty as

his daughter to at least be civil and stay in contact to some extent, but he is

impossible to deal with most of the time, in addition to his disapproval of my

boyfriend's race (which is a whole other issue). I am planning to go to

counseling when I get back to school next week, both to deal with my issues

surrounding the relationship with my father and my parent's divorce. I am hoping

that will encourage and empower me to take control of my own life, but for now I

could use some advice and encouragement from those who have had similar

experiences

Thanks!