Re: Re: What about confronting my abusers?

January 25, 2011

Oh ugh. What amanda said. And I'm officially boycotting the BPD family site

starting RIIIIIGHT NOW!

>

> If a mentally ill person rapes you, do you not have the right to be angry

> and want to seek retribution? Even if they are sorry they did it and/or

> couldn't help it?

>

> If a mentally ill person kills a college student, does the family not have

> the right to grieve (and be angry) and seek retribution and confront their

> child's killer?

>

> I'm not saying we should not be compassionate to their plight, but since

> when is BPD a get-out-of-jail-free pass for hurting people. Having a

> personality disorder does NOT excuse you from being responsible for your own

> actions. And claiming that those of us who have been hurt and abused,

> physically and mentally, by someone who has BPD do not have the right to

> confront our abusers or to be angry about it is offensive.

>

> If BPD family does not want the people with BPD on their site to have to

> deal with those who have been abused by BPDs, then they should have it be a

> people with BPD only site. Period. It's one thing to moderate a discussion

> and try to keep it civil while those with BPD and those without it freely

> discuss their experience and their emotions about it, it's another to ban

> someone simply because they believe they have the right to confront their

> abuser and be angry. As long as you're not personally bashing someone on

> their forum, they should not be banning you.

>

> I've only been on BPD family once, and I didn't particularly like it. I

> prefer to be in a BPD free zone so I know I can say things openly, even mean

> things, and not be judged, because you all know what I am going through, and

> that the only way to recover is to express even the meanest things I feel.

>

> You know, the moderators there can't be in the dark on the fact that if you

> have a site where BPDs and nonBPDs are co-mingling is going to have some

> strife and disagreement. If they are, well then, I don't see how they are

> really helping anyone.

>

> >

> > " The Adult Survivors of Child Abuse " is an organization that offers both

> on-line and in-person support groups for those who were emotionally,

> physically or sexually abused, neglected, exploited, etc., by their parents

> or other family members as a child.

> >

> > Here's their link. They have a 21-step program " Survivor To Thriver "

> (with manual) for overcoming the damage done and getting on with one's life;

> there is a sort-of-interactive version of their program manual available

> online and they have an on-line support forum like this one in addition to

> in-person meet ups.

> >

> > www.ascasupport.org/

> >

> > I was skimming through their manual when I came across this section:

> >

> > " Chapter 1, Pg 13: What About Confronting My Abusers?

> > This is a very difficult question, and one that only you can answer for

> yourself. Step 18 of ASCA reads: " I have resolved the abuse with my

> offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. " For some survivors, this

> means an internal coming to terms with the abuse and the abuser(s) but does

> not involve direct confrontation. For others, it means direct confrontation,

> either face-to-face or by letter or phone. *For still others it may mean

> writing articles, stories, newspaper op-ed pieces or by speaking out in

> public gatherings. And for still others it may mean pursuing legal action to

> gain restitution for the abuse suffered.* Every survivor is different in

> his/her need to confront the abuser(s). Neither ASCA nor THE MORRIS CENTER

> has a policy or position on confrontation. Instead, we believe that each

> survivor must make this choice individually. We do, however,encourage

> survivors to think carefully about their options and the consequences of

> their choices. "

> >

> > I find it SO validating that choosing to speak out publicly against child

> abuse (including advocating that child abusers be held accountable for their

> actions, that pursuing legal action and recompense can work for some,

> pointing out that those who are unable to control their negative, damaging

> acting-out behaviors are too mentally ill to be raising children, etc.) is

> listed as a good way for the former victims of child abuse to gain healing

> and resolution... and I find it particularly validating because I was banned

> at bpdfamily.com for advocating that!

> >

> > AND I find it highly ironic that bpdfamily.com posts this same ASCA

> 21-step recovery program manual at their site!

> >

> > I was told that I was banned because I was too stuck in anger, that

> advocating confrontation of the abuser and pursuing legal action against the

> abuser (who happen to be parents who have bpd) was " unhealthy " for the

> children of bpd parents and " insensitive " to and " lacking in compassion " for

> those with bpd.

> >

> > So, I can only conclude that the owners and/or moderators at

> bpdfamily.com must have a different agenda regarding tolerance,

> reconciliation and forgiveness RE the adult children of abusive bpd parents

> than they do for those in chosen relationships with a person with bpd (where

> the emphasis seems to be on self-preservation and detachment instead of

> reconciliation and forgiveness.)

> >

> > Why there is a different policy, I have no idea!

> >

> > But I have to admit that I feel angry about being banned because it feels

> unfair to me, and I guess I am sensitive about unfairness.

> >

> > But, I can share my thoughts freely here and I AM grateful for that.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

January 25, 2011

Very well said, . I couldn't agree more.

Mia

>

> If a mentally ill person rapes you, do you not have the right to be angry

> and want to seek retribution? Even if they are sorry they did it and/or

> couldn't help it?

>

> If a mentally ill person kills a college student, does the family not have

> the right to grieve (and be angry) and seek retribution and confront their

> child's killer?

>

> I'm not saying we should not be compassionate to their plight, but since

> when is BPD a get-out-of-jail-free pass for hurting people. Having a

> personality disorder does NOT excuse you from being responsible for your own

> actions. And claiming that those of us who have been hurt and abused,

> physically and mentally, by someone who has BPD do not have the right to

> confront our abusers or to be angry about it is offensive.

>

> If BPD family does not want the people with BPD on their site to have to

> deal with those who have been abused by BPDs, then they should have it be a

> people with BPD only site. Period. It's one thing to moderate a discussion

> and try to keep it civil while those with BPD and those without it freely

> discuss their experience and their emotions about it, it's another to ban

> someone simply because they believe they have the right to confront their

> abuser and be angry. As long as you're not personally bashing someone on

> their forum, they should not be banning you.

>

> I've only been on BPD family once, and I didn't particularly like it. I

> prefer to be in a BPD free zone so I know I can say things openly, even mean

> things, and not be judged, because you all know what I am going through, and

> that the only way to recover is to express even the meanest things I feel.

>

> You know, the moderators there can't be in the dark on the fact that if you

> have a site where BPDs and nonBPDs are co-mingling is going to have some

> strife and disagreement. If they are, well then, I don't see how they are

> really helping anyone.

>

January 26, 2011

A huge part of me would love to confront my nada, but why bother? She

wouldn't hear me, would have an excuse or wouldn't remember anyway.

I might do something my T recommended. Simple stuff, really... write a

letter to her but don't really send it. Just to get the emotion out. I'd

be tempted to send it though... would have to mail it to a friend first to

have her mail it from her house so nada wouldn't see the city postmark on

the envelope. Stupid, huh?

Mia

January 26, 2011

A huge part of me would love to confront my nada, but why bother? She

wouldn't hear me, would have an excuse or wouldn't remember anyway.

I might do something my T recommended. Simple stuff, really... write a

letter to her but don't really send it. Just to get the emotion out. I'd

be tempted to send it though... would have to mail it to a friend first to

have her mail it from her house so nada wouldn't see the city postmark on

the envelope. Stupid, huh?

Mia

January 26, 2011

A huge part of me would love to confront my nada, but why bother? She

wouldn't hear me, would have an excuse or wouldn't remember anyway.

I might do something my T recommended. Simple stuff, really... write a

letter to her but don't really send it. Just to get the emotion out. I'd

be tempted to send it though... would have to mail it to a friend first to

have her mail it from her house so nada wouldn't see the city postmark on

the envelope. Stupid, huh?

Mia

January 26, 2011

not so stupid. I have similar thoughts, actually. Not to the point where i

can write to Fada a letter and not send it, but rather for my siblings since

fada and nada won't let them see anything I send. If I sent it through a

friend first, then perhaps they'd be able to read it before fada and nada

got a chance to realize what happened.

>.<

At any rate, for me, journaling helps. When a thought strikes, I'll write it

down. Haven't done an actual letter yet, 'cause I'm not ready, but bits and

pieces.

Holly

>

> A huge part of me would love to confront my nada, but why bother? She

> wouldn't hear me, would have an excuse or wouldn't remember anyway.

>

> I might do something my T recommended. Simple stuff, really... write a

> letter to her but don't really send it. Just to get the emotion out. I'd

> be tempted to send it though... would have to mail it to a friend first to

> have her mail it from her house so nada wouldn't see the city postmark on

> the envelope. Stupid, huh?

>

> Mia

>

January 26, 2011

not so stupid. I have similar thoughts, actually. Not to the point where i

can write to Fada a letter and not send it, but rather for my siblings since

fada and nada won't let them see anything I send. If I sent it through a

friend first, then perhaps they'd be able to read it before fada and nada

got a chance to realize what happened.

>.<

At any rate, for me, journaling helps. When a thought strikes, I'll write it

down. Haven't done an actual letter yet, 'cause I'm not ready, but bits and

pieces.

Holly

>

> A huge part of me would love to confront my nada, but why bother? She

> wouldn't hear me, would have an excuse or wouldn't remember anyway.

>

> I might do something my T recommended. Simple stuff, really... write a

> letter to her but don't really send it. Just to get the emotion out. I'd

> be tempted to send it though... would have to mail it to a friend first to

> have her mail it from her house so nada wouldn't see the city postmark on

> the envelope. Stupid, huh?

>

> Mia

>

January 26, 2011

Oh , I totally got your point. I have thought before that it would be

nice to be able to confront nada and I do agree that people should have that

right, but in my case I think it's pointless. Which is why I'll probably do

a letter to her that never gets sent.

Mia

>

> Let me clarify:

>

> I'm not suggesting that we all go confronting our nadas and fadas, because

> I don't see the use in it either, since, at least my nada, will never see

> what she's done. However, my point is mainly that we have the right to be

> angry and want to confront--it's a justifiable response. It's not fair for

> someone to invalidate our feelings of anger about what was done to us

> because the person who did it has BPD. Yes, the diagnosis might mean we have

> to deal with the anger in different ways, or confront it in different

> ways--like speaking out against child abuse or lobbying for better mental

> health care, etc.--but my point was just that banning someone from a board

> because they are angry at what has been done to them is wrong and unfair.

> They should be angry, and they come to the forum to learn how to deal with

> that anger (I mean at BPDfamily.org), not to be told they just have to get

> over it.

>

> >

> > A huge part of me would love to confront my nada, but why bother? She

> > wouldn't hear me, would have an excuse or wouldn't remember anyway.

> >

> > I might do something my T recommended. Simple stuff, really... write a

> > letter to her but don't really send it. Just to get the emotion out. I'd

> > be tempted to send it though... would have to mail it to a friend first

> to

> > have her mail it from her house so nada wouldn't see the city postmark on

> > the envelope. Stupid, huh?

> >

> > Mia

> >

January 26, 2011