Re: Should I tell my Mum I think she has BPD?

[Guest guest]

I think you have the answer when you state there is no pleasing her. If I could

go back, I would do what I wanted to do because no matter what I did, I would

never get her approval which caused my underlying depression.

I decided the other day that after 48 years that enough was enough. I had to

tell myself that I deserved to be happy and guilt free no matter what my present

circumstances.

And after spending years thinking magically that she will see the errors of

ways

and be a mother, I have let it go. I couldn't tell her that she is mentally

ill. It wouldn't do any good and she would just spit it back at me.

Just my 2 cents.

 

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, January 24, 2011 4:50:51 AM

Subject: Should I tell my Mum I think she has BPD?

 

Hi there.

I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going through

a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown two years

ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high suicide risk.

He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered, through pscychiatry

and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I too have been being

treated for depression for years. It is through his treatment though that we

have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary carer).

She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept that

there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and (because

she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is doing so

in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time and wants

to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I feel that

the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I am honest

with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have a

complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning a

wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many times.

E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he had to

pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she had no

idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why she was

acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

Any advice out there?!?

[Guest guest]

I think you have the answer when you state there is no pleasing her. If I could

go back, I would do what I wanted to do because no matter what I did, I would

never get her approval which caused my underlying depression.

I decided the other day that after 48 years that enough was enough. I had to

tell myself that I deserved to be happy and guilt free no matter what my present

circumstances.

And after spending years thinking magically that she will see the errors of

ways

and be a mother, I have let it go. I couldn't tell her that she is mentally

ill. It wouldn't do any good and she would just spit it back at me.

Just my 2 cents.

 

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, January 24, 2011 4:50:51 AM

Subject: Should I tell my Mum I think she has BPD?

 

Hi there.

I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going through

a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown two years

ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high suicide risk.

He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered, through pscychiatry

and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I too have been being

treated for depression for years. It is through his treatment though that we

have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary carer).

She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept that

there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and (because

she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is doing so

in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time and wants

to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I feel that

the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I am honest

with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have a

complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning a

wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many times.

E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he had to

pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she had no

idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why she was

acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

Any advice out there?!?

[Guest guest]

I think you have the answer when you state there is no pleasing her. If I could

go back, I would do what I wanted to do because no matter what I did, I would

never get her approval which caused my underlying depression.

I decided the other day that after 48 years that enough was enough. I had to

tell myself that I deserved to be happy and guilt free no matter what my present

circumstances.

And after spending years thinking magically that she will see the errors of

ways

and be a mother, I have let it go. I couldn't tell her that she is mentally

ill. It wouldn't do any good and she would just spit it back at me.

Just my 2 cents.

 

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, January 24, 2011 4:50:51 AM

Subject: Should I tell my Mum I think she has BPD?

 

Hi there.

I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going through

a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown two years

ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high suicide risk.

He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered, through pscychiatry

and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I too have been being

treated for depression for years. It is through his treatment though that we

have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary carer).

She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept that

there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and (because

she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is doing so

in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time and wants

to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I feel that

the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I am honest

with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have a

complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning a

wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many times.

E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he had to

pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she had no

idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why she was

acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

Any advice out there?!?

[Guest guest]

Honestly, I don't think telling her you think she has BPD is going to change

anything. If you've already tried telling her she needs help and she refuses to

get it, it's really not going to matter. You can try, but in my experience,

there really isn't anything you can say that is going to make any difference.

BPDs don't accept logic the way we do. While talking to us about a problem helps

us to work out a solution to resolve it, it doesn't do that for BPD. They are

like toddlers that don't learn from experience, more or less something said to

them.

You can certainly try, though. You can print out material about BPD (include

places to get help) and give it to her. But BPDs are notorious for refusing

help. My nada has known she has BPD for 15 years, and has even gone for some

help in and out, but she is still just getting worse every year. The same

relationship problems she has with others she has with a therapist, which means

she can never stick with the therapy. Most BPDs won't even admit they have

anything wrong with them.

You don't have to have her at your wedding. Your wedding should be about you and

your partner and your happiness, if you fear that she might ruin it (a totally

valid fear) it's just going to be stressful for you. Even if she doesn't, you'll

be worrying about it the whole time.

Have you read " Walking on Eggshells " and " BPD Mother " ? They have very good

suggestions on how to deal with a mother who has BPD.

Casey

>

> Hi there.

>

> I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

>

> As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

>

> She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

>

> As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept

that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have

a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

> I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning

a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many

times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he

had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

>

> I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

> Any advice out there?!?

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear your mum is creating such stress for you for your wedding. I

agree with the previous commenter that reading Stop Walking on Eggshells will

help you set up some much-needed boundaries. For example:

" Mom, I want you to be involved in my wedding and to help me plan it, but I have

to institute a couple of boundaries, for my own peace of mind and mental health.

1) if you continue to put-down and criticize the decisions I make for MY

wedding, then you will not be involved in the planning process--this includes

sending me emails about how you dislike my wedding dress.

2) if you " act out " at my wedding or the reception, you will be asked to leave.

I know you want to help, but your " help " is only creating stress for a day that

should be the happiest day of my life. "

ly, you can put up these boundaries with or without telling her. But if you

want her cooperation, state that these are the boundaries, then stick to them.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group. The negative, abusive behaviors you describe your mother

displaying and the psychological injuries she's inflicted on you and your

brother and your passive, enabling dad as well sound all too sadly familiar.

Each of us has to figure out what will work best for us as individuals regarding

how to manage having a relationship with a mentally ill, personality-disordered

parent. There is no one right way to handle it, no single strategy that works

for everyone. Some of us can handle having limited contact with our

personality-disordered parent, and some of us find that we need to go " No

Contact " either temporarily or permanently. Its your call, based on your needs.

Unfortunately, nothing you can possibly say or do will normalize the way your

mother perceives the world around her or the way she interprets incoming

emotional data and facts. Nothing you can possibly say or do will cure her

emotional dysregulation, her manipulativeness, her negativity, her desire to

control you utterly, or her narcissism. The person with bpd is the only one

with the power to change herself, and the nature of personality disorder is that

most of these individuals can't perceive that they have a disorder and so they

do not seek therapy.

The good news, though, is that YOU DO have the power to change the way you

respond to her. You have the power to create boundaries for yourself and

protect yourself from further abuse and manipulation.

My suggestion is that you read up and educate yourself about borderline pd as

soon as possible; I suggest you start with " Stop Walking On Eggshells " because

its relatively short. There is a workbook that goes along with it. It will

explain about setting up and maintaining boundaries with your bpd loved one.

Its much harder for us adult children of abusive parents to do this, to

consciously choose to distance ourselves emotionally from our mother, because

we've been conditioned from birth to defer and cater to her. We're afraid of

her anger, we're afraid of her threats of self-harm. We have been forced to

feel inappropriately responsible for our mother's feelings, also (that's called

being co-dependent.)

Creating boundaries (deciding what behaviors you will and will not tolerate) and

enforcing consequences for boundary violation is not easy; it is in fact very

difficult, but its worth it in the long run.

One of the most difficult hurdles to overcome is accepting that you have the

*right* to protect yourself from emotional abuse. You have the right to, for

example, say to your mother calmly and politely something like, " I'm sorry

mother but I'm not going to discuss that with you. Is there something else you

wanted to talk with me about? " or " When you scream at me and call me names I'm

not going to listen to you. We can discuss this later after you've calmed down.

I'm going to hang up now, talk to you later. "

The way to do this is to gain at least some degree of emotional detachment from

your mother. This is being willing to step back, away from thinking of the

relationship as " she's the mommy, I'm the child " and readjusting your concept to

be more along the lines of " She's an adult, and I'm an adult; we are equals

now. "

So, its about taking a deep breath and deciding that yes, I can do this, I can

relate to my mother on an adult-to-adult level, I can set and maintain

reasonable boundaries with her, even though I KNOW that she will escalate her

negative, controlling, whiny, demanding, guilt-flinging behaviors at first. I

am forewarned that it will get worse before it gets better, but I am not

responsible for her feelings, those are hers to own. And if she is not going to

accept my very reasonable boundaries then I am willing to take further necessary

steps such as going No Contact and/or disinviting her from my wedding.

Your husband-to-be will be bowled over with admiration when you gain the

emotional distance and perspective necessary to change how *you* respond to your

mother's negative, destructive behaviors by taking the upper hand in creating

the new " rules of engagement, " instead of being passively batted about by her as

you are now.

EVEN THOUGH it means that initially there will be more conflict and drama. But,

you get to step away from that and let her have her tantrum by herself. You do

not have to listen to it.

So-- you've got a bit of reading ahead of you. And a lot of new concepts to

absorb. Keep us posted when you can and when you feel like it.

-Annie

>

> Hi there.

>

> I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

>

> As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

>

> She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

>

> As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept

that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have

a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

> I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning

a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many

times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he

had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

>

> I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

> Any advice out there?!?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there, I just wanted to say welcome & sorry about what you & your brother

are going through =( I second the advice everyone's given here... set up

boundaries and you DO NOT have to be hoovered back in. (like Hoover vacuum

cleaners, meaning, sucked back in.) And you also have every right to

protect yourself from all forms of abuse including emotional abuse.

Hang in there, and as others have said, keep reading, learning & posting

when you are feeling up to it.

Also - congrats on your upcoming wedding! I wish you & your future hubby

all the happiness you both deserve =)

Mia

>

[Guest guest]

My advice is not to bother telling her that you think she has

BPD. You already know that she's not receptive to getting help.

One of the big problems with BPD is that the people who have it

don't believe they have a problem. In their minds, the way they

act is right and it is everyone else who has a problem. Their

brains just aren't wired to accept that they have a personality

disorder. That's part of what having a personality disorder does

to you. If she's like most of our parents, if you try to tell

her that you think she has a mental illness, she's more likely

to go into a rage than to believe you and get help. There's

nothing to be gained by that.

Moving on to your more specific problems.

#1 - You're not going to be able to explain what your brother is

feeling and thinking no matter what you say to her. People with

BPD aren't capable of understanding why the rest of us don't

want to deal with them because they think their behavior is

right. My nada ( " nada " is the word we use for our unmotherly

mothers) kicked my sister out of her house at 2 AM with just the

clothes on her back and her purse and no transportation other

than her feet. Then she wrote her a letter telling her not to

come back until she'd gotten treatment from a psychiatrist. She

continues to ask me why my sister won't talk to her. It doesn't

matter how many times I remind her of what she did, she pretends

that didn't happen and that she's the innocent party whose bad

daughter won't talk to her. I recommend giving up on trying to

explain your brother's actions to your mother. Tell her that

you're not going to discuss that topic any more and do whatever

is necessary to avoid talking about it.

#2 - Events like weddings tend to really set them off. A wedding

should be all about the bride and the groom. It isn't all about

the nada, and that makes most nadas go even crazier than usual.

Nothing you choose or do is going to please her because what she

wants is to be in control and to be the center of things. Stop

trying to please her and do what you want. Your wedding day only

happens once and it should happen the way you want it to happen.

If she wants to sulk because you've made your own choices, let

her. Let her desire to sulk be her problem, not yours.

You're an adult and you don't have to put up with her

misbehavior. The fact that she gave birth to you doesn't give

her the right to mess up your life. Since you can't change her,

you can only work on changing how you react to her. The way I

deal with my nada is to give her one warning and if she

continues to misbehave I leave or hang up the phone. It is hard

to start acting that way because it goes against the way we were

raised, but once you start standing your ground and refusing to

be mistreated, it gets easier as you see the results.

At 07:50 AM 01/24/2011 alicespencer84 wrote:

>Hi there.

>

>I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me,

>by an NHS pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the

>traits of a 'high-functioning BPD'. I knew nothing about this

>condition until recently, and the more I learn, the more my

>eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my

>whole life is starting make sense.

>

>As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we

>are going through a particularly rough time right now. My

>older brother had a breakdown two years ago and is currently

>being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high suicide risk. He

>won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

>through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of

>his distress. I too have been being treated for depression for

>years. It is through his treatment though that we have come to

>learn about BPD. (I am his primary carer).

>

>She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she

>knows there is something wrong with her. She blames everyone

>else for everything and will never take any responsibility for

>her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my brother

>and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

>wounded one.

>

>As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll

>ever accept that there is something wrong with her in order for

>us to have her formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

>1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his

>life, and (because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she

>can't understand that he is doing so in order to protect

>himself. She questions me about him all the time and wants to

>know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell

>her. I feel that the only way for me to explain what he is

>feeling and thinking is if I am honest with her about BPD, but

>I know she will hit the roof.

>2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she

>is going to have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil

>it. She is already 'sulking' because I bought the wrong

>wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

>wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails

>every day to remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to

>her that what should be important is that I feel happy and

>beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself and

>asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

>bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the

>colour scheme. I am trying to include her in the decision

>making, but she criticises everything but never provides any

>suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more

>and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing

>meets with her approval. I then reach the point when I just

>have to make a decision, otherwise nothing would get done, and

>then she sulks because I have made the decision without her.

>I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the

>stress of planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I

>feel that I am going to have to talk to her. I also need to

>talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

>that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of

>his life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has

>seen her upset me too many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th

>family lunch on the day of my birthday & he had to pick up the

>pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she had

>no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I

>didn't know why she was acting this way, so it helps to be able

>to understand it now.

>

>I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

>Any advice out there?!?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My advice is not to bother telling her that you think she has

BPD. You already know that she's not receptive to getting help.

One of the big problems with BPD is that the people who have it

don't believe they have a problem. In their minds, the way they

act is right and it is everyone else who has a problem. Their

brains just aren't wired to accept that they have a personality

disorder. That's part of what having a personality disorder does

to you. If she's like most of our parents, if you try to tell

her that you think she has a mental illness, she's more likely

to go into a rage than to believe you and get help. There's

nothing to be gained by that.

Moving on to your more specific problems.

#1 - You're not going to be able to explain what your brother is

feeling and thinking no matter what you say to her. People with

BPD aren't capable of understanding why the rest of us don't

want to deal with them because they think their behavior is

right. My nada ( " nada " is the word we use for our unmotherly

mothers) kicked my sister out of her house at 2 AM with just the

clothes on her back and her purse and no transportation other

than her feet. Then she wrote her a letter telling her not to

come back until she'd gotten treatment from a psychiatrist. She

continues to ask me why my sister won't talk to her. It doesn't

matter how many times I remind her of what she did, she pretends

that didn't happen and that she's the innocent party whose bad

daughter won't talk to her. I recommend giving up on trying to

explain your brother's actions to your mother. Tell her that

you're not going to discuss that topic any more and do whatever

is necessary to avoid talking about it.

#2 - Events like weddings tend to really set them off. A wedding

should be all about the bride and the groom. It isn't all about

the nada, and that makes most nadas go even crazier than usual.

Nothing you choose or do is going to please her because what she

wants is to be in control and to be the center of things. Stop

trying to please her and do what you want. Your wedding day only

happens once and it should happen the way you want it to happen.

If she wants to sulk because you've made your own choices, let

her. Let her desire to sulk be her problem, not yours.

You're an adult and you don't have to put up with her

misbehavior. The fact that she gave birth to you doesn't give

her the right to mess up your life. Since you can't change her,

you can only work on changing how you react to her. The way I

deal with my nada is to give her one warning and if she

continues to misbehave I leave or hang up the phone. It is hard

to start acting that way because it goes against the way we were

raised, but once you start standing your ground and refusing to

be mistreated, it gets easier as you see the results.

At 07:50 AM 01/24/2011 alicespencer84 wrote:

>Hi there.

>

>I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me,

>by an NHS pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the

>traits of a 'high-functioning BPD'. I knew nothing about this

>condition until recently, and the more I learn, the more my

>eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my

>whole life is starting make sense.

>

>As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we

>are going through a particularly rough time right now. My

>older brother had a breakdown two years ago and is currently

>being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high suicide risk. He

>won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

>through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of

>his distress. I too have been being treated for depression for

>years. It is through his treatment though that we have come to

>learn about BPD. (I am his primary carer).

>

>She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she

>knows there is something wrong with her. She blames everyone

>else for everything and will never take any responsibility for

>her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my brother

>and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

>wounded one.

>

>As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll

>ever accept that there is something wrong with her in order for

>us to have her formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

>1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his

>life, and (because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she

>can't understand that he is doing so in order to protect

>himself. She questions me about him all the time and wants to

>know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell

>her. I feel that the only way for me to explain what he is

>feeling and thinking is if I am honest with her about BPD, but

>I know she will hit the roof.

>2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she

>is going to have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil

>it. She is already 'sulking' because I bought the wrong

>wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

>wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails

>every day to remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to

>her that what should be important is that I feel happy and

>beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself and

>asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

>bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the

>colour scheme. I am trying to include her in the decision

>making, but she criticises everything but never provides any

>suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more

>and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing

>meets with her approval. I then reach the point when I just

>have to make a decision, otherwise nothing would get done, and

>then she sulks because I have made the decision without her.

>I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the

>stress of planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I

>feel that I am going to have to talk to her. I also need to

>talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

>that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of

>his life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has

>seen her upset me too many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th

>family lunch on the day of my birthday & he had to pick up the

>pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she had

>no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I

>didn't know why she was acting this way, so it helps to be able

>to understand it now.

>

>I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

>Any advice out there?!?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Alice! There is some FANTASTIC advice on this thread. It's blowing me away.

Just in case you're looking for permission to completely cut off contact with

your mum, I'm going to give it to you, right here, right now.

Seriously. I don't mean to be glib. It's something you might begin to consider.

If you and your brother are suffering so severely from depression because of

your mum, you need to know that she DOES NOT have the right to suck your life

and happiness away like some kind of cancer.

But, us kids of (KOs) nadas often don't cut contact lightly, and some of us are

never able to do so. But I hope you'll seriously consider most of the advice

here, continue to listen to your therapist, and respect and support your

brother's wishes to cut contact with your mum, because it sounds as though his

very life depends on it. I don't know what to tell you to tell her about why he

won't speak with her. I always tell my mom that she needs to discuss things with

my brother herself, that I won't be the go-between, but it sounds as though she

should NOT be speaking with him. Maybe you can direct her to ask the doctors,

and they, of course, will tell her to mind her own damn business.

YOU DESERVE A HAPPY WEDDING. Please give yourself permission to begin building

some boundaries. It is extremely likely that your mum will attempt to make your

wedding day unhappy. I know mine did, and at the time, I was absolutely

gobsmacked at her behavior. It really took me by surprise. (An exercise to try:

refer to your mum by her first name in your head rather than " mum " . It helps.)

I agree with others that telling your mum you think she has BPD has a very small

likelyhood of working--most BPDs never understand that they're the problem---and

it's certainly not going to fix her before your wedding. You need to think more

along the lines of defence than offence.

Good luck, and please have a great wedding and a great marriage!

I personally really liked the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, but I

hear Stop Walking on Eggshells is excellent.

[Guest guest]

Hi Alice! There is some FANTASTIC advice on this thread. It's blowing me away.

Just in case you're looking for permission to completely cut off contact with

your mum, I'm going to give it to you, right here, right now.

Seriously. I don't mean to be glib. It's something you might begin to consider.

If you and your brother are suffering so severely from depression because of

your mum, you need to know that she DOES NOT have the right to suck your life

and happiness away like some kind of cancer.

But, us kids of (KOs) nadas often don't cut contact lightly, and some of us are

never able to do so. But I hope you'll seriously consider most of the advice

here, continue to listen to your therapist, and respect and support your

brother's wishes to cut contact with your mum, because it sounds as though his

very life depends on it. I don't know what to tell you to tell her about why he

won't speak with her. I always tell my mom that she needs to discuss things with

my brother herself, that I won't be the go-between, but it sounds as though she

should NOT be speaking with him. Maybe you can direct her to ask the doctors,

and they, of course, will tell her to mind her own damn business.

YOU DESERVE A HAPPY WEDDING. Please give yourself permission to begin building

some boundaries. It is extremely likely that your mum will attempt to make your

wedding day unhappy. I know mine did, and at the time, I was absolutely

gobsmacked at her behavior. It really took me by surprise. (An exercise to try:

refer to your mum by her first name in your head rather than " mum " . It helps.)

I agree with others that telling your mum you think she has BPD has a very small

likelyhood of working--most BPDs never understand that they're the problem---and

it's certainly not going to fix her before your wedding. You need to think more

along the lines of defence than offence.

Good luck, and please have a great wedding and a great marriage!

I personally really liked the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, but I

hear Stop Walking on Eggshells is excellent.

[Guest guest]

Hi Alice! There is some FANTASTIC advice on this thread. It's blowing me away.

Just in case you're looking for permission to completely cut off contact with

your mum, I'm going to give it to you, right here, right now.

Seriously. I don't mean to be glib. It's something you might begin to consider.

If you and your brother are suffering so severely from depression because of

your mum, you need to know that she DOES NOT have the right to suck your life

and happiness away like some kind of cancer.

But, us kids of (KOs) nadas often don't cut contact lightly, and some of us are

never able to do so. But I hope you'll seriously consider most of the advice

here, continue to listen to your therapist, and respect and support your

brother's wishes to cut contact with your mum, because it sounds as though his

very life depends on it. I don't know what to tell you to tell her about why he

won't speak with her. I always tell my mom that she needs to discuss things with

my brother herself, that I won't be the go-between, but it sounds as though she

should NOT be speaking with him. Maybe you can direct her to ask the doctors,

and they, of course, will tell her to mind her own damn business.

YOU DESERVE A HAPPY WEDDING. Please give yourself permission to begin building

some boundaries. It is extremely likely that your mum will attempt to make your

wedding day unhappy. I know mine did, and at the time, I was absolutely

gobsmacked at her behavior. It really took me by surprise. (An exercise to try:

refer to your mum by her first name in your head rather than " mum " . It helps.)

I agree with others that telling your mum you think she has BPD has a very small

likelyhood of working--most BPDs never understand that they're the problem---and

it's certainly not going to fix her before your wedding. You need to think more

along the lines of defence than offence.

Good luck, and please have a great wedding and a great marriage!

I personally really liked the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, but I

hear Stop Walking on Eggshells is excellent.

[Guest guest]

Alice

I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

post.

>

> She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows

there is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for

everything and will never take any responsibility for her relationships

and - even though she hurts me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she

behaves as though she is the wounded one.

> As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have

her formally diagnosed.

Most BP s do refuse point blank to get help. A few will do otherwise,

but please understand that YOU can t force it. You do not get to make

the choice. Refusal to accept responsibility , and playing the victim

are also typical BP behaviors.

> 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that

he is doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him

all the time and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so

much I can tell her. I feel that the only way for me to explain what he

is feeling and thinking is if I am honest with her about BPD, but I know

she will hit the roof.

In my experience, it is never productive for family to tell a BP they

are BPD. You may say, Mom, I think you need to see a professional

psychologist for help. But you ll open a whole can of bad stuff if you

tell her. YOU, are not a professional, and she will attack you for

saying it. She may also grab onto it, and use it as an excuse for her

bad behavior, rather than as a reason to seek help.

To be perfectly frank and blunt as a spoon, your best answer to her

inquiries about your brother is , Mom, if he wanted to talk to you he

would. If he chooses to tell you why he has chosen to not see you, that

is up to him. But it s not my business and I m not going to discuss it

with you. She is manipulating you to try and put you in the middle of

yet another relationship she has screwed up. If you let her, she will

recruit you as a flying monkey, to manipulate him into breaking his NC

status with her.

It s all a trap. You can be cordial, but firm, and matter of fact about

it. Brother has made his choices, and it is not for me to comment on

it. You and I , mom, are not going to have this discussion.

> 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going

to have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already

'sulking' because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I

wanted, not the one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one

liner emails every day to remind me of this fact. I have tried to

explain to her that what should be important is that I feel happy and

beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself and asking

me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids dresses I

have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet

for more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing

meets with her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to

make a decision, otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks

because I have made the decision without her.

Sigh. Dear, you will NEVER please her. Nor will anyone else. It is a

BP game and trap to manipulate you with FOG, ( fear, obligation, guilt)

into doing what she wants. But if you do EXACTLY what she tells you, it

will still be wrong and she will still criticize. You need to set

boundaries with her.

1. It is MY wedding Mom, not yours. Do not send me any more emails, or

make any more remarks to me about my choices for my wedding. If you do,

the consequences will be.... and you decide what that is. And STICK to

it.

2. OF COURSE it is all about her! She is a borderline. The answer to

what about her concerns: If you get married, you can make it all about

your concerns. But I am the bride, and I will make my own decisions.

You will either stop badgering me and trying to manipulate me, or I will

not let you be involved in my planning or preparations any more. If

she chooses to sulk, let her. But do not let her sulk to you, or around

you. If she starts it, just say Mom, I m not going to deal with this.

If she is at your house tell her it is time to leave.

> I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out

of his life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen

her upset me too many times.

E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he

had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as

though she had no idea she had done anything wrong.

The very fact that you need to express concern that she will act out

during your wedding, or on your day, is strong argument to exclude her

from the day. It is hard, I know to think of such a thing, for of

COURSE you want to have the Mother of the Bride there. You must

understand though, that you do not have a Mother. You have a Nada. A

borderline mother. You can count on her most always to act precisely as

she wants to, as a BP. She has done so for years, and never accepted

any responsibility for the carnage, nor had any consequences.

You could tell her she is not going to be invited to the wedding,

because you just can t trust her not to misbehave and ruin your day. Of

course, she will gaslight, ( remember the bad events differently ) ,

deny, reject responsibility and paint you a horrid daughter. She will

be a BP, at the wedding, or excluded from it. I don t know what sort

of acting out you fear, but I certainly understand, as do all of us on

here, the many ways Nada can act out and ruin our special occasions and

make them all about her.

If it were me, again, I d simply elope and tell her about it after my

first anniversary. But if you want the whole Wedding thing, no reason

you should not have it.

You can also just take your chances, that after you tell her to stop

interfering with your planning, she will behave at the wedding.

Or, and this is just a thought, for you and your fiance to consider.

Your fiance could have one of his groomsmen prepared, and agreed, that

if she starts to act out, in whatever way you think she might, his job

is to instantly go get her and remove her from the ceremony. It might

be a man who is not in the wedding party as a groomsman, but just a big

burly man who will agree to act right away during the ceremony. I doubt

your Dad would do so, in that you don t mention him standing up to here.

And he has to live with her. So you and fiance find the guy and get him

to agree that he will remove her if she shows her behind. Then tell

her, with Dad and fiance present, just what you have done. Be matter of

fact, but let her know that you will NOT tolerate her acting up and

spoiling your wedding. If she comes, she comes on good behavior. If

not, Mother of the Bride, or no, she will be escorted out and ejected at

once. If she doesnt like it, and she wont, tell her she doesnt have to

come. But if she does come, she comes on your terms.

She may be THE MOTHER. But you are the BRIDE.

You can t make her change or get better. But you can, with good

conscience, reclaim your life. It s time to stop waling on eggshells.

Good luck.

Doug

> I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

> Any advice out there?!?

>

[Guest guest]

Alice

I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

post.

>

> She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows

there is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for

everything and will never take any responsibility for her relationships

and - even though she hurts me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she

behaves as though she is the wounded one.

> As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have

her formally diagnosed.

Most BP s do refuse point blank to get help. A few will do otherwise,

but please understand that YOU can t force it. You do not get to make

the choice. Refusal to accept responsibility , and playing the victim

are also typical BP behaviors.

> 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that

he is doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him

all the time and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so

much I can tell her. I feel that the only way for me to explain what he

is feeling and thinking is if I am honest with her about BPD, but I know

she will hit the roof.

In my experience, it is never productive for family to tell a BP they

are BPD. You may say, Mom, I think you need to see a professional

psychologist for help. But you ll open a whole can of bad stuff if you

tell her. YOU, are not a professional, and she will attack you for

saying it. She may also grab onto it, and use it as an excuse for her

bad behavior, rather than as a reason to seek help.

To be perfectly frank and blunt as a spoon, your best answer to her

inquiries about your brother is , Mom, if he wanted to talk to you he

would. If he chooses to tell you why he has chosen to not see you, that

is up to him. But it s not my business and I m not going to discuss it

with you. She is manipulating you to try and put you in the middle of

yet another relationship she has screwed up. If you let her, she will

recruit you as a flying monkey, to manipulate him into breaking his NC

status with her.

It s all a trap. You can be cordial, but firm, and matter of fact about

it. Brother has made his choices, and it is not for me to comment on

it. You and I , mom, are not going to have this discussion.

> 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going

to have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already

'sulking' because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I

wanted, not the one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one

liner emails every day to remind me of this fact. I have tried to

explain to her that what should be important is that I feel happy and

beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself and asking

me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids dresses I

have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet

for more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing

meets with her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to

make a decision, otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks

because I have made the decision without her.

Sigh. Dear, you will NEVER please her. Nor will anyone else. It is a

BP game and trap to manipulate you with FOG, ( fear, obligation, guilt)

into doing what she wants. But if you do EXACTLY what she tells you, it

will still be wrong and she will still criticize. You need to set

boundaries with her.

1. It is MY wedding Mom, not yours. Do not send me any more emails, or

make any more remarks to me about my choices for my wedding. If you do,

the consequences will be.... and you decide what that is. And STICK to

it.

2. OF COURSE it is all about her! She is a borderline. The answer to

what about her concerns: If you get married, you can make it all about

your concerns. But I am the bride, and I will make my own decisions.

You will either stop badgering me and trying to manipulate me, or I will

not let you be involved in my planning or preparations any more. If

she chooses to sulk, let her. But do not let her sulk to you, or around

you. If she starts it, just say Mom, I m not going to deal with this.

If she is at your house tell her it is time to leave.

> I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out

of his life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen

her upset me too many times.

E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he

had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as

though she had no idea she had done anything wrong.

The very fact that you need to express concern that she will act out

during your wedding, or on your day, is strong argument to exclude her

from the day. It is hard, I know to think of such a thing, for of

COURSE you want to have the Mother of the Bride there. You must

understand though, that you do not have a Mother. You have a Nada. A

borderline mother. You can count on her most always to act precisely as

she wants to, as a BP. She has done so for years, and never accepted

any responsibility for the carnage, nor had any consequences.

You could tell her she is not going to be invited to the wedding,

because you just can t trust her not to misbehave and ruin your day. Of

course, she will gaslight, ( remember the bad events differently ) ,

deny, reject responsibility and paint you a horrid daughter. She will

be a BP, at the wedding, or excluded from it. I don t know what sort

of acting out you fear, but I certainly understand, as do all of us on

here, the many ways Nada can act out and ruin our special occasions and

make them all about her.

If it were me, again, I d simply elope and tell her about it after my

first anniversary. But if you want the whole Wedding thing, no reason

you should not have it.

You can also just take your chances, that after you tell her to stop

interfering with your planning, she will behave at the wedding.

Or, and this is just a thought, for you and your fiance to consider.

Your fiance could have one of his groomsmen prepared, and agreed, that

if she starts to act out, in whatever way you think she might, his job

is to instantly go get her and remove her from the ceremony. It might

be a man who is not in the wedding party as a groomsman, but just a big

burly man who will agree to act right away during the ceremony. I doubt

your Dad would do so, in that you don t mention him standing up to here.

And he has to live with her. So you and fiance find the guy and get him

to agree that he will remove her if she shows her behind. Then tell

her, with Dad and fiance present, just what you have done. Be matter of

fact, but let her know that you will NOT tolerate her acting up and

spoiling your wedding. If she comes, she comes on good behavior. If

not, Mother of the Bride, or no, she will be escorted out and ejected at

once. If she doesnt like it, and she wont, tell her she doesnt have to

come. But if she does come, she comes on your terms.

She may be THE MOTHER. But you are the BRIDE.

You can t make her change or get better. But you can, with good

conscience, reclaim your life. It s time to stop waling on eggshells.

Good luck.

Doug

> I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

> Any advice out there?!?

>

[Guest guest]

dear Alice,

I agree 100% with Doug's advice. It is your wedding, your day in the spot light

- something that drive BPDs even more crazy: a day where it is all about YOU and

not HER!

Do not let your nada, ruin yours and your fiance's big day.

congratulations and good luck!

>

> Alice

>

> I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

> with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

> post.

>

[Guest guest]

dear Alice,

I agree 100% with Doug's advice. It is your wedding, your day in the spot light

- something that drive BPDs even more crazy: a day where it is all about YOU and

not HER!

Do not let your nada, ruin yours and your fiance's big day.

congratulations and good luck!

>

> Alice

>

> I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

> with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

> post.

>

[Guest guest]

dear Alice,

I agree 100% with Doug's advice. It is your wedding, your day in the spot light

- something that drive BPDs even more crazy: a day where it is all about YOU and

not HER!

Do not let your nada, ruin yours and your fiance's big day.

congratulations and good luck!

>

> Alice

>

> I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

> with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

> post.

>

[Guest guest]

OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick her ass out if

she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her around and give

her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then boom!!! Out!!!

On Wed, Jan 26, 2011 at 1:49 AM, survivingko wrote:

>

>

> dear Alice,

>

> I agree 100% with Doug's advice. It is your wedding, your day in the spot

> light - something that drive BPDs even more crazy: a day where it is all

> about YOU and not HER!

>

> Do not let your nada, ruin yours and your fiance's big day.

>

> congratulations and good luck!

>

>

>

> >

> > Alice

> >

> > I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

> > with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

> > post.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick her ass out if

she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her around and give

her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then boom!!! Out!!!

On Wed, Jan 26, 2011 at 1:49 AM, survivingko wrote:

>

>

> dear Alice,

>

> I agree 100% with Doug's advice. It is your wedding, your day in the spot

> light - something that drive BPDs even more crazy: a day where it is all

> about YOU and not HER!

>

> Do not let your nada, ruin yours and your fiance's big day.

>

> congratulations and good luck!

>

>

>

> >

> > Alice

> >

> > I ll offer you some advice and observations, which you are free to do

> > with as you wish. I m going to respond below at specific places in your

> > post.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ever watch Burn Notice? You remind me of Fiona, the trigger happy girl

friend. I m afraid you d enjoy it too much.

LOL

Doug

>

> OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick her ass

out if

> she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her around and

give

> her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then boom!!!

Out!!!

>

> On Wed, Jan 26, 2011 at 1:49 AM, survivingko

worldtraveller12@...wrote:

>

[Guest guest]

Ever watch Burn Notice? You remind me of Fiona, the trigger happy girl

friend. I m afraid you d enjoy it too much.

LOL

Doug

>

> OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick her ass

out if

> she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her around and

give

> her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then boom!!!

Out!!!

>

> On Wed, Jan 26, 2011 at 1:49 AM, survivingko

worldtraveller12@...wrote:

>

[Guest guest]

There was also a character from a Heinlein novel called The Cat

Who Walks Thru Walls. Her name was Gwen Novak. She was pretty hard

core. In one scene, her male companion is interrogating a bad guy. The

whole time she makes helpful comments about pulling out fingernails, and

all the interesting places in the male body to put hot copper wire, or

begging to be allowed to shoot him, just a little, a flesh wound?

Please?

He finally blurts out, Get the bloodthirsty bitch away from me!

A charming woman, really.

LOL.

I think we gotta get GS at that wedding.

Doug

> > > > >

> > > > > OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick

her ass

> > > > out if

> > > > > she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her

around and

> > > > give

> > > > > her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then

boom!!!

> > > > Out!!!

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

There was also a character from a Heinlein novel called The Cat

Who Walks Thru Walls. Her name was Gwen Novak. She was pretty hard

core. In one scene, her male companion is interrogating a bad guy. The

whole time she makes helpful comments about pulling out fingernails, and

all the interesting places in the male body to put hot copper wire, or

begging to be allowed to shoot him, just a little, a flesh wound?

Please?

He finally blurts out, Get the bloodthirsty bitch away from me!

A charming woman, really.

LOL.

I think we gotta get GS at that wedding.

Doug

> > > > >

> > > > > OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick

her ass

> > > > out if

> > > > > she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her

around and

> > > > give

> > > > > her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then

boom!!!

> > > > Out!!!

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm in for the wedding. I can be a total bouncer/security guard when i want

to. i don't look like one, but I have the attitude.

And Mia I will get a Plum book to read on the plane on Sunday.

By the way guys, I'm taking my computer, but I'll be gone all of next week

and part of the following. Business trip followed by a trip to celebrate my

baby's 40th birthday. Hopefully the wedding doesn't fall during that time so

that I can still break some nada balls

XOXO

>

>

> There was also a character from a Heinlein novel called The Cat

> Who Walks Thru Walls. Her name was Gwen Novak. She was pretty hard

> core. In one scene, her male companion is interrogating a bad guy. The

> whole time she makes helpful comments about pulling out fingernails, and

> all the interesting places in the male body to put hot copper wire, or

> begging to be allowed to shoot him, just a little, a flesh wound?

> Please?

>

> He finally blurts out, Get the bloodthirsty bitch away from me!

>

> A charming woman, really.

>

> LOL.

>

> I think we gotta get GS at that wedding.

>

> Doug

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick

> her ass

> > > > > out if

> > > > > > she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her

> around and

> > > > > give

> > > > > > her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then

> boom!!!

> > > > > Out!!!

> > > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I'm in for the wedding. I can be a total bouncer/security guard when i want

to. i don't look like one, but I have the attitude.

And Mia I will get a Plum book to read on the plane on Sunday.

By the way guys, I'm taking my computer, but I'll be gone all of next week

and part of the following. Business trip followed by a trip to celebrate my

baby's 40th birthday. Hopefully the wedding doesn't fall during that time so

that I can still break some nada balls

XOXO

>

>

> There was also a character from a Heinlein novel called The Cat

> Who Walks Thru Walls. Her name was Gwen Novak. She was pretty hard

> core. In one scene, her male companion is interrogating a bad guy. The

> whole time she makes helpful comments about pulling out fingernails, and

> all the interesting places in the male body to put hot copper wire, or

> begging to be allowed to shoot him, just a little, a flesh wound?

> Please?

>

> He finally blurts out, Get the bloodthirsty bitch away from me!

>

> A charming woman, really.

>

> LOL.

>

> I think we gotta get GS at that wedding.

>

> Doug

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > OOOOH Pick me!!!! I want to be the burly groomsman and kick

> her ass

> > > > > out if

> > > > > > she acts up!!! That sounds very satisfying. I'd follow her

> around and

> > > > > give

> > > > > > her a dirty look everytime she openned her mouth. And then

> boom!!!

> > > > > Out!!!

> > > >

> > >

> > >