Re: Few more thoughts....(and also re: my question about breakfast)

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much to all who replied to my question about breakfast! Many good

thoughts there. Mimi, I had to laugh at myself after I read your post about not

constantly making plans to change ourselves. I found myself thinking, " Yep,

that's me. Now how can I change myself so that I'm not always thinking about how

to change myself? " lol (at myself!!!)

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> >Subject: Few more thoughts....

> >To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> >Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM

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> >Â

> >I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on

stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her

but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there

were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into -

and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped

through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk " we don't have

anything in here to fit you honey " ?) My friend tried on several things while I

wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually

struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me

about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did

manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person,

but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into

acceptance. My entire day wasn't

> ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that

speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't

have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel

resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized

images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my

sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't

look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having

been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years,

I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts

languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with

self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now

when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep

sadness that almost

> overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain

size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal.

So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every

American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life

that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm

just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since

8/11

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