Re: Nada casually taking credit for my well-being.

[Guest guest]

Elle,

I know where you are coming from and you are so right to be incredibly

frustrated!

My mom is very much like her father. He passed away this fall. He was probably

BPD as well. Long story short with him he remarried after my grandmother passed

away 16 years ago and his life with his second wife was a total disaster and

major drama for the whole family. When he passed away my mom said to me, " you

know, I miss him, but I also feel like there is a huge weight lifted off of me.

It's like he's been such a drag and a source of stress and drama for 16 years. I

feel so light and free and like we can finally all be happy again without his

drama " -

I wanted to scream b/c she makes me feel sometimes like she " ruins my life " the

way he did hers but she's young and healthy and will be driving me crazy for

years to come. I've never felt so trapped as I did when she told me how " free "

she felt.

It's like your mom drove you to the edge but then " noticed " so she essentially

acts like she saved you from your " demons " when she is your big problem cause.

Hang in there,

>

> First off, this one really offended me!

>

> A few days ago during a telephone conversation with my nada, I was

half-listening to her talk at great length about friends and events I have no

familiarity with...when I caught her mentioning a story to the effect of the

following: A friend of hers evidently mentioned her daughter exhibiting familiar

symptoms of depression, which all-in-all my nada has effectively caused and in

part maintained since I was 12 or 13 years old. Now she says that she advised

her friend to get her daughter help as soon as she could (which I commended in

sincerity) right before blurting, " You know, if I could've gotten Elle (me) the

help she needed earlier, who knows what a difference that would've made. "

>

> To some, this may sound like a passing remark which bears little or no weight.

But to me, this only reflects her absolute ignorance about her part in my

sickness, NOT TO MENTION (and this is the worst part for me) her hatred of my

psychologist, whom she attempted to separate me from around the time she

attempted to separate me from my best friend and greatest source of

non-professional support. As I first attended therapy for GAD, though it quickly

became obvious I was primarily suffering from major depression, my nada actually

tried to dissuade me from believing the things my therapist was telling me in an

effort to end my codependency and suicidal thoughts--both stemming from, of

course, an emotionally abusive/manipulative, BPD parent. She discouraged me from

maintaining therapy and again later from taking anti-depressants, the things

which, in the end, enabled me to overcome my suicidal impulses and become strong

enough to confront my illness before it consumed me. During the first few years

of therapy, she served as nothing to me but a deliberate obstacle to my

well-being.

>

> So, for her to say calmly and casually, " If -I- would have known, I would have

given her the help she needed sooner than I did, " is to me repuslive, ignorant,

and one more testament to BPD inability to accept blame, not to mention the

power of their denial. Looking back on the screaming matches in which I

forthrightly told her that she was the root cause of my suicidal behaviors, she

can only remember that -she- gave me help, and if only she had noticed

sooner...!

>

> Hopefully someone else can understand my frustration and relate their story as

well. Thank you for listening, everyone,

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

Both my fada & nada rewrite history. I always thought it was just nada,

but as years have passed by and they are elderly now, fada rewrites

everything. He's the hero or the victim in all his stories.Sometimes I think

he

actually believes what he's saying; sometimes I think he just knows he won't

be challenged. It's impossible to have a real conversation with either one

of them.

Laurie

In a message dated 1/23/2011 3:18:47 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Yes! I can relate to your frustration. My nada's tendency to re-write

history (so that nada is always in the favorable position: nada the rescuer or

nada the victim) is absolutely crazy-making.

So for me, it boils down to this: I cannot have a relationship with

someone whose version of moment-to-moment real-time reality (and history) is so

nearly diametrically opposed to mine.

Its too upsetting, energy-draining and health-draining for me to be in a

position of continually having to defend what I know to be the truth and in

most cases I can objectively demonstrate to be the truth.

Its sad, but this clash of realities is a major roadblock for me resuming

contact with my nada.

-Annie

>

> First off, this one really offended me!

>

> A few days ago during a telephone conversation with my nada, I was

half-listening to her talk at great length about friends and events I have no

familiarity with...when I caught her mentioning a story to the effect of the

following: A friend of hers evidently mentioned her daughter exhibiting

familiar symptoms of depression, which all-in-all my nada has effectively

caused and in part maintained since I was 12 or 13 years old. Now she says that

she advised her friend to get her daughter help as soon as she could

(which I commended in sincerity) right before blurting, " You know, if I

could've

gotten Elle (me) the help she needed earlier, who knows what a difference

that would've made. "

>

> To some, this may sound like a passing remark which bears little or no

weight. But to me, this only reflects her absolute ignorance about her part

in my sickness, NOT TO MENTION (and this is the worst part for me) her

hatred of my psychologist, whom she attempted to separate me from around the

time she attempted to separate me from my best friend and greatest source of

non-professional support. As I first attended therapy for GAD, though it

quickly became obvious I was primarily suffering from major depression, my

nada actually tried to dissuade me from believing the things my therapist was

telling me in an effort to end my codependency and suicidal thoughts--both

stemming from, of course, an emotionally abusive/manipulative, BPD parent.

She discouraged me from maintaining therapy and again later from taking

anti-depressants, the things which, in the end, enabled me to overcome my

suicidal impulses and become strong enough to confront my illness before it

consumed me. Du ring the first few years of therapy, she served as nothing to

me but a deliberate obstacle to my well-being.

>

> So, for her to say calmly and casually, " If -I- would have known, I

would have given her the help she needed sooner than I did, " is to me

repuslive, ignorant, and one more testament to BPD inability to accept blame,

not to

mention the power of their denial. Looking back on the screaming matches

in which I forthrightly told her that she was the root cause of my suicidal

behaviors, she can only remember that -she- gave me help, and if only she

had noticed sooner...!

>

> Hopefully someone else can understand my frustration and relate their

story as well. Thank you for listening, everyone,

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

Both my fada & nada rewrite history. I always thought it was just nada,

but as years have passed by and they are elderly now, fada rewrites

everything. He's the hero or the victim in all his stories.Sometimes I think

he

actually believes what he's saying; sometimes I think he just knows he won't

be challenged. It's impossible to have a real conversation with either one

of them.

Laurie

In a message dated 1/23/2011 3:18:47 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Yes! I can relate to your frustration. My nada's tendency to re-write

history (so that nada is always in the favorable position: nada the rescuer or

nada the victim) is absolutely crazy-making.

So for me, it boils down to this: I cannot have a relationship with

someone whose version of moment-to-moment real-time reality (and history) is so

nearly diametrically opposed to mine.

Its too upsetting, energy-draining and health-draining for me to be in a

position of continually having to defend what I know to be the truth and in

most cases I can objectively demonstrate to be the truth.

Its sad, but this clash of realities is a major roadblock for me resuming

contact with my nada.

-Annie

>

> First off, this one really offended me!

>

> A few days ago during a telephone conversation with my nada, I was

half-listening to her talk at great length about friends and events I have no

familiarity with...when I caught her mentioning a story to the effect of the

following: A friend of hers evidently mentioned her daughter exhibiting

familiar symptoms of depression, which all-in-all my nada has effectively

caused and in part maintained since I was 12 or 13 years old. Now she says that

she advised her friend to get her daughter help as soon as she could

(which I commended in sincerity) right before blurting, " You know, if I

could've

gotten Elle (me) the help she needed earlier, who knows what a difference

that would've made. "

>

> To some, this may sound like a passing remark which bears little or no

weight. But to me, this only reflects her absolute ignorance about her part

in my sickness, NOT TO MENTION (and this is the worst part for me) her

hatred of my psychologist, whom she attempted to separate me from around the

time she attempted to separate me from my best friend and greatest source of

non-professional support. As I first attended therapy for GAD, though it

quickly became obvious I was primarily suffering from major depression, my

nada actually tried to dissuade me from believing the things my therapist was

telling me in an effort to end my codependency and suicidal thoughts--both

stemming from, of course, an emotionally abusive/manipulative, BPD parent.

She discouraged me from maintaining therapy and again later from taking

anti-depressants, the things which, in the end, enabled me to overcome my

suicidal impulses and become strong enough to confront my illness before it

consumed me. Du ring the first few years of therapy, she served as nothing to

me but a deliberate obstacle to my well-being.

>

> So, for her to say calmly and casually, " If -I- would have known, I

would have given her the help she needed sooner than I did, " is to me

repuslive, ignorant, and one more testament to BPD inability to accept blame,

not to

mention the power of their denial. Looking back on the screaming matches

in which I forthrightly told her that she was the root cause of my suicidal

behaviors, she can only remember that -she- gave me help, and if only she

had noticed sooner...!

>

> Hopefully someone else can understand my frustration and relate their

story as well. Thank you for listening, everyone,

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

Both my fada & nada rewrite history. I always thought it was just nada,

but as years have passed by and they are elderly now, fada rewrites

everything. He's the hero or the victim in all his stories.Sometimes I think

he

actually believes what he's saying; sometimes I think he just knows he won't

be challenged. It's impossible to have a real conversation with either one

of them.

Laurie

In a message dated 1/23/2011 3:18:47 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Yes! I can relate to your frustration. My nada's tendency to re-write

history (so that nada is always in the favorable position: nada the rescuer or

nada the victim) is absolutely crazy-making.

So for me, it boils down to this: I cannot have a relationship with

someone whose version of moment-to-moment real-time reality (and history) is so

nearly diametrically opposed to mine.

Its too upsetting, energy-draining and health-draining for me to be in a

position of continually having to defend what I know to be the truth and in

most cases I can objectively demonstrate to be the truth.

Its sad, but this clash of realities is a major roadblock for me resuming

contact with my nada.

-Annie

>

> First off, this one really offended me!

>

> A few days ago during a telephone conversation with my nada, I was

half-listening to her talk at great length about friends and events I have no

familiarity with...when I caught her mentioning a story to the effect of the

following: A friend of hers evidently mentioned her daughter exhibiting

familiar symptoms of depression, which all-in-all my nada has effectively

caused and in part maintained since I was 12 or 13 years old. Now she says that

she advised her friend to get her daughter help as soon as she could

(which I commended in sincerity) right before blurting, " You know, if I

could've

gotten Elle (me) the help she needed earlier, who knows what a difference

that would've made. "

>

> To some, this may sound like a passing remark which bears little or no

weight. But to me, this only reflects her absolute ignorance about her part

in my sickness, NOT TO MENTION (and this is the worst part for me) her

hatred of my psychologist, whom she attempted to separate me from around the

time she attempted to separate me from my best friend and greatest source of

non-professional support. As I first attended therapy for GAD, though it

quickly became obvious I was primarily suffering from major depression, my

nada actually tried to dissuade me from believing the things my therapist was

telling me in an effort to end my codependency and suicidal thoughts--both

stemming from, of course, an emotionally abusive/manipulative, BPD parent.

She discouraged me from maintaining therapy and again later from taking

anti-depressants, the things which, in the end, enabled me to overcome my

suicidal impulses and become strong enough to confront my illness before it

consumed me. Du ring the first few years of therapy, she served as nothing to

me but a deliberate obstacle to my well-being.

>

> So, for her to say calmly and casually, " If -I- would have known, I

would have given her the help she needed sooner than I did, " is to me

repuslive, ignorant, and one more testament to BPD inability to accept blame,

not to

mention the power of their denial. Looking back on the screaming matches

in which I forthrightly told her that she was the root cause of my suicidal

behaviors, she can only remember that -she- gave me help, and if only she

had noticed sooner...!

>

> Hopefully someone else can understand my frustration and relate their

story as well. Thank you for listening, everyone,

>

> Elle

>