Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically no winning with BPD nadas =( Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 , I know exactly where you are and feeling. My BP mother (who also exhibits narcissistic PD)is holding me and my two sisters hostage. After she blew up after Christmas we were NC but then all three of us received very hateful " happy fucking new year to you...this will be my year... " it's been terrible. After two weeks of her threatening suicide- we wouldn't go over, but sent the authorities for welfare checks- she's finally done threatening but is begging to see her grandchildren. Even after I explained that they weren't coming over because they didn't need to be in the middle she explained the decision as " dumping gas and lighting the match " on an already suicidal person. We haven't spoken on the phone but after a few email messages I suggested we go the couselor she's supposedly seeing. That was met with a " this is my journey and has nothing to do with a counselor " (she isn't really seeing anyone) she suggested I come and talk with her so I can hear about how she needs to be more selfish! (her words!) You really are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Unfortunately, I only live a few miles from her but am desperate to move away. She's been like this for years. After my family made the wrong decision and moved back home after moving out of state, our home was being rented. My mother, everyday we were gone called and sobbed for hours about our being gone, being selfish- only being away to make " more God damned money, it's all about the money for you, isn't it?? " We moved in with her, with the understanding it would have to be that way until our renter's lease was up. She crashed into my husbands pick-up on purpose and then blamed us because we were parking her " fucking parking area and the pickup was in the way " It is total insanity. Sorry to go on- back to your question. In my case, there is no way to get your mother to see your side. Like my situation, the only way to move forward is to apologize. grovel and let her control us again. I'm seeking a therapist on how I can deal with my mother without it hurting physically and mentally. My nerves are shot, I've gained 30+ pounds and everytime the phone rings or my cell alerts that I have a new email, my heart starts pounding, I begin to shake- just fearful that I'll have to endure hours of how everyone has done her wrong- all the while she has been so gracious, giving and so unselfish! While my hope is that I can have a regular mother/daughter relationship I am realizing that she won't respect MY ground rules and that the relationship will be all about her-a repeat of my entire life. I am definitely considering NC, period. Good luck- and hang in there! > > I just wanted to give an update of my current relationship with my BP mother. We had a fight over Christmas where she was a nightmare and I stormed out. We really haven't spoken since as she's " punishing me " with a lack of contact. > > I've reached out twice in small ways (forwarding cute emails that I know she'd like) and a week after the fight I called her to say, " when you're ready to move forward and talk, I'm here, give me a call " she said, " , > > In your phone call to me last week, you said, " IF you are ready to move on, you can call me " . > I found the statement passive aggressive and after much thought, I think, in fact you were asking me not to " Communicate " with you. Because of that statement/request, I will respect your wishes to distance yourself from me. But, I pose this question to you; are YOU moving on or are you avoiding? No need to respond, just something for you think about. The cutesie dog e-mails and phone calls about recipes are all just superficial, meaningless communication and not necessary. > > Mom " > > Then,she sent me a funny forward email a few days ago and I replied " thanks, how are things? " and she replied " Good, I didn't mean to send that to you, my computer is on the fritz when I forward emails " so that was nice... > > It's kind of weird, it's sad but I'm like I don't want to make the " wrong " move and contact her. Honesty, I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't contact her, I " m an ass for " cutting her off " even though she cut me off, but I'm an ass for not begging to be back in her life, and if I do contact her, I'll have to grovel and apologize and that just reinforces her negative behavior. I can't explain to her that her behavior is incorrect, b/c she'll never get it, so I am still trying to figure out where to go from here - but it is a big relief to not constantly be on edge of what is our next call going to be like - things are bad, but I know they are and I don't have to deal with her, it's not anticipatory. > > When any move or no move is the " wrong move " with her, is there something from your experience that I could do that might help? > > Thanks for any recommendations that you might have that have worked for you. > > ~ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 , I know exactly where you are and feeling. My BP mother (who also exhibits narcissistic PD)is holding me and my two sisters hostage. After she blew up after Christmas we were NC but then all three of us received very hateful " happy fucking new year to you...this will be my year... " it's been terrible. After two weeks of her threatening suicide- we wouldn't go over, but sent the authorities for welfare checks- she's finally done threatening but is begging to see her grandchildren. Even after I explained that they weren't coming over because they didn't need to be in the middle she explained the decision as " dumping gas and lighting the match " on an already suicidal person. We haven't spoken on the phone but after a few email messages I suggested we go the couselor she's supposedly seeing. That was met with a " this is my journey and has nothing to do with a counselor " (she isn't really seeing anyone) she suggested I come and talk with her so I can hear about how she needs to be more selfish! (her words!) You really are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Unfortunately, I only live a few miles from her but am desperate to move away. She's been like this for years. After my family made the wrong decision and moved back home after moving out of state, our home was being rented. My mother, everyday we were gone called and sobbed for hours about our being gone, being selfish- only being away to make " more God damned money, it's all about the money for you, isn't it?? " We moved in with her, with the understanding it would have to be that way until our renter's lease was up. She crashed into my husbands pick-up on purpose and then blamed us because we were parking her " fucking parking area and the pickup was in the way " It is total insanity. Sorry to go on- back to your question. In my case, there is no way to get your mother to see your side. Like my situation, the only way to move forward is to apologize. grovel and let her control us again. I'm seeking a therapist on how I can deal with my mother without it hurting physically and mentally. My nerves are shot, I've gained 30+ pounds and everytime the phone rings or my cell alerts that I have a new email, my heart starts pounding, I begin to shake- just fearful that I'll have to endure hours of how everyone has done her wrong- all the while she has been so gracious, giving and so unselfish! While my hope is that I can have a regular mother/daughter relationship I am realizing that she won't respect MY ground rules and that the relationship will be all about her-a repeat of my entire life. I am definitely considering NC, period. Good luck- and hang in there! > > I just wanted to give an update of my current relationship with my BP mother. We had a fight over Christmas where she was a nightmare and I stormed out. We really haven't spoken since as she's " punishing me " with a lack of contact. > > I've reached out twice in small ways (forwarding cute emails that I know she'd like) and a week after the fight I called her to say, " when you're ready to move forward and talk, I'm here, give me a call " she said, " , > > In your phone call to me last week, you said, " IF you are ready to move on, you can call me " . > I found the statement passive aggressive and after much thought, I think, in fact you were asking me not to " Communicate " with you. Because of that statement/request, I will respect your wishes to distance yourself from me. But, I pose this question to you; are YOU moving on or are you avoiding? No need to respond, just something for you think about. The cutesie dog e-mails and phone calls about recipes are all just superficial, meaningless communication and not necessary. > > Mom " > > Then,she sent me a funny forward email a few days ago and I replied " thanks, how are things? " and she replied " Good, I didn't mean to send that to you, my computer is on the fritz when I forward emails " so that was nice... > > It's kind of weird, it's sad but I'm like I don't want to make the " wrong " move and contact her. Honesty, I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't contact her, I " m an ass for " cutting her off " even though she cut me off, but I'm an ass for not begging to be back in her life, and if I do contact her, I'll have to grovel and apologize and that just reinforces her negative behavior. I can't explain to her that her behavior is incorrect, b/c she'll never get it, so I am still trying to figure out where to go from here - but it is a big relief to not constantly be on edge of what is our next call going to be like - things are bad, but I know they are and I don't have to deal with her, it's not anticipatory. > > When any move or no move is the " wrong move " with her, is there something from your experience that I could do that might help? > > Thanks for any recommendations that you might have that have worked for you. > > ~ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 , I know exactly where you are and feeling. My BP mother (who also exhibits narcissistic PD)is holding me and my two sisters hostage. After she blew up after Christmas we were NC but then all three of us received very hateful " happy fucking new year to you...this will be my year... " it's been terrible. After two weeks of her threatening suicide- we wouldn't go over, but sent the authorities for welfare checks- she's finally done threatening but is begging to see her grandchildren. Even after I explained that they weren't coming over because they didn't need to be in the middle she explained the decision as " dumping gas and lighting the match " on an already suicidal person. We haven't spoken on the phone but after a few email messages I suggested we go the couselor she's supposedly seeing. That was met with a " this is my journey and has nothing to do with a counselor " (she isn't really seeing anyone) she suggested I come and talk with her so I can hear about how she needs to be more selfish! (her words!) You really are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Unfortunately, I only live a few miles from her but am desperate to move away. She's been like this for years. After my family made the wrong decision and moved back home after moving out of state, our home was being rented. My mother, everyday we were gone called and sobbed for hours about our being gone, being selfish- only being away to make " more God damned money, it's all about the money for you, isn't it?? " We moved in with her, with the understanding it would have to be that way until our renter's lease was up. She crashed into my husbands pick-up on purpose and then blamed us because we were parking her " fucking parking area and the pickup was in the way " It is total insanity. Sorry to go on- back to your question. In my case, there is no way to get your mother to see your side. Like my situation, the only way to move forward is to apologize. grovel and let her control us again. I'm seeking a therapist on how I can deal with my mother without it hurting physically and mentally. My nerves are shot, I've gained 30+ pounds and everytime the phone rings or my cell alerts that I have a new email, my heart starts pounding, I begin to shake- just fearful that I'll have to endure hours of how everyone has done her wrong- all the while she has been so gracious, giving and so unselfish! While my hope is that I can have a regular mother/daughter relationship I am realizing that she won't respect MY ground rules and that the relationship will be all about her-a repeat of my entire life. I am definitely considering NC, period. Good luck- and hang in there! > > I just wanted to give an update of my current relationship with my BP mother. We had a fight over Christmas where she was a nightmare and I stormed out. We really haven't spoken since as she's " punishing me " with a lack of contact. > > I've reached out twice in small ways (forwarding cute emails that I know she'd like) and a week after the fight I called her to say, " when you're ready to move forward and talk, I'm here, give me a call " she said, " , > > In your phone call to me last week, you said, " IF you are ready to move on, you can call me " . > I found the statement passive aggressive and after much thought, I think, in fact you were asking me not to " Communicate " with you. Because of that statement/request, I will respect your wishes to distance yourself from me. But, I pose this question to you; are YOU moving on or are you avoiding? No need to respond, just something for you think about. The cutesie dog e-mails and phone calls about recipes are all just superficial, meaningless communication and not necessary. > > Mom " > > Then,she sent me a funny forward email a few days ago and I replied " thanks, how are things? " and she replied " Good, I didn't mean to send that to you, my computer is on the fritz when I forward emails " so that was nice... > > It's kind of weird, it's sad but I'm like I don't want to make the " wrong " move and contact her. Honesty, I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't contact her, I " m an ass for " cutting her off " even though she cut me off, but I'm an ass for not begging to be back in her life, and if I do contact her, I'll have to grovel and apologize and that just reinforces her negative behavior. I can't explain to her that her behavior is incorrect, b/c she'll never get it, so I am still trying to figure out where to go from here - but it is a big relief to not constantly be on edge of what is our next call going to be like - things are bad, but I know they are and I don't have to deal with her, it's not anticipatory. > > When any move or no move is the " wrong move " with her, is there something from your experience that I could do that might help? > > Thanks for any recommendations that you might have that have worked for you. > > ~ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Mia, Thanks so much for listening and for your advice. I'm not sure what our relationship will do over the years, I'm kind of in a bind right now because she's controlling inheritance I may or may not get from my deceased father and I'm trying to figure out how to get it (it's rightfully mine in his will, but she's contesting it b/c she claims I didn't honor his wishes when I got married without a prenup (that was news to me, by the way, he never mentioned wanting me to have a prenup while he was alive. I believe it was just another hoop she devised for me to jump through in my wedding process that she hated (b/c I was getting married and " abandoning " her) and if I had done a pre-nup she would have found another ridiculous thing for me to do. So now she constantly tells me she undid my trust (I don't think she can do that) but I don't know how to proceed in finding out anything or having her change her will or take additional family inheritance away from me. It's not so much about money as that I know my dad wouldn't want her doing this to her family in his name and I don't want to just walk away from her crazy behavior and leave her all this money to leave to her dog in her will (She might very well do that...). It isn't that I only care about money, I care that my dad worked hard his whole life to earn it and she did not. He wanted me explicitly to have a portion of it, because that is in his will, and she's punishing me and trying to use it as a carrot to keep me doing what she wants of me. I wouldn't be surprised if she was undoing things in her will and trying to undo his will because I'm not speaking to her right now. It is scary that mentally unstable people can be in charge of the money for a whole family... Thanks for listening! > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Mia, Thanks so much for listening and for your advice. I'm not sure what our relationship will do over the years, I'm kind of in a bind right now because she's controlling inheritance I may or may not get from my deceased father and I'm trying to figure out how to get it (it's rightfully mine in his will, but she's contesting it b/c she claims I didn't honor his wishes when I got married without a prenup (that was news to me, by the way, he never mentioned wanting me to have a prenup while he was alive. I believe it was just another hoop she devised for me to jump through in my wedding process that she hated (b/c I was getting married and " abandoning " her) and if I had done a pre-nup she would have found another ridiculous thing for me to do. So now she constantly tells me she undid my trust (I don't think she can do that) but I don't know how to proceed in finding out anything or having her change her will or take additional family inheritance away from me. It's not so much about money as that I know my dad wouldn't want her doing this to her family in his name and I don't want to just walk away from her crazy behavior and leave her all this money to leave to her dog in her will (She might very well do that...). It isn't that I only care about money, I care that my dad worked hard his whole life to earn it and she did not. He wanted me explicitly to have a portion of it, because that is in his will, and she's punishing me and trying to use it as a carrot to keep me doing what she wants of me. I wouldn't be surprised if she was undoing things in her will and trying to undo his will because I'm not speaking to her right now. It is scary that mentally unstable people can be in charge of the money for a whole family... Thanks for listening! > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Mia, Thanks so much for listening and for your advice. I'm not sure what our relationship will do over the years, I'm kind of in a bind right now because she's controlling inheritance I may or may not get from my deceased father and I'm trying to figure out how to get it (it's rightfully mine in his will, but she's contesting it b/c she claims I didn't honor his wishes when I got married without a prenup (that was news to me, by the way, he never mentioned wanting me to have a prenup while he was alive. I believe it was just another hoop she devised for me to jump through in my wedding process that she hated (b/c I was getting married and " abandoning " her) and if I had done a pre-nup she would have found another ridiculous thing for me to do. So now she constantly tells me she undid my trust (I don't think she can do that) but I don't know how to proceed in finding out anything or having her change her will or take additional family inheritance away from me. It's not so much about money as that I know my dad wouldn't want her doing this to her family in his name and I don't want to just walk away from her crazy behavior and leave her all this money to leave to her dog in her will (She might very well do that...). It isn't that I only care about money, I care that my dad worked hard his whole life to earn it and she did not. He wanted me explicitly to have a portion of it, because that is in his will, and she's punishing me and trying to use it as a carrot to keep me doing what she wants of me. I wouldn't be surprised if she was undoing things in her will and trying to undo his will because I'm not speaking to her right now. It is scary that mentally unstable people can be in charge of the money for a whole family... Thanks for listening! > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Mia, I also wanted to ask you. Do you ever have the experience that people in your family don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and deal with your mom? My mom makes my other relatives miserable by complaining about them to each other and me in particular right now because I'm NC with her. And they are annoyed with me because they want me to deal with her so they don't have to. And I want to be like - yeah, you're getting a tiny taste of what my life was like 24/7 and you don't live with her, you can choose to not pick up the phone or hang up. I couldn't escape. Ever have family pressure you to " not take her seriously " or " get over it, stop being so sensitive " ? It makes me feel like I'm crazy which is how she wants me to feel - she tells anyone who will listen that I'm the one with the problem, and I know that BP people do that, but still it hurts when family " take her side " . My therapist says I shouldn't care, and I get that, but still. It's frustrating. Peace, > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Hey , About the inheritance, those types of issues come up pretty regularly on this board. It seems the best advice is to get a lawyer and then distance yourself as much as possible. For me personally, I decided that if there was an object, money, heirloom, human, pet, house, plant etc anything that nada was trying to control my access too, I had to give up wanting or caring about whatever it was. So I no longer have a dad, any of my childhood pets and I wasn't able to go to my grandmother's funeral. Small price to pay. XOXO Girlscout On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 4:12 PM, amandaveetee wrote: > > > Mia, > > I also wanted to ask you. Do you ever have the experience that people in > your family don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and > deal with your mom? My mom makes my other relatives miserable by complaining > about them to each other and me in particular right now because I'm NC with > her. > > And they are annoyed with me because they want me to deal with her so they > don't have to. > > And I want to be like - yeah, you're getting a tiny taste of what my life > was like 24/7 and you don't live with her, you can choose to not pick up the > phone or hang up. I couldn't escape. > > Ever have family pressure you to " not take her seriously " or " get over it, > stop being so sensitive " ? > > It makes me feel like I'm crazy which is how she wants me to feel - she > tells anyone who will listen that I'm the one with the problem, and I know > that BP people do that, but still it hurts when family " take her side " . My > therapist says I shouldn't care, and I get that, but still. It's > frustrating. > > Peace, > > > > > > > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's > typically > > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry > about > > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one > to > > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a > relationship > > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 The only person who kind of gives me grief is my step sister (nada's step daughter). Then again, step sister (aka: nada's flying monkey) has NO CLUE about what nada is really like. If she only knew half the crap nada has said about her & her siblings throughout their lives, she would probably stop being nada's flying monkey! Sadly I had to cut contact with my grandnada too (nada's mom). I didn't really want to, but I knew there would be no way I could maintain a relationship with her without her trying to interfere or " fix " me & my nada. Also, I do call her grandnada. She's also likely BPD but for the most part was always very good to me... with the only exception I know of was her complaining to other family members that I was " taking her for all she had " (money wise) when SHE would insist on taking me shopping, and then insist on buying me something. Oy. For the most part, neither my nada or dad's families are very close or tight. My nada has a brother, but he's several years older and has never been a huge part of our lives. My dad is an only child. I'm sure nada's telling anyone who will listen what a horrible awful daughter I am. I guess I don't care that much... I know the truth. If they're going to listen to the garbage she spews & believe her whole heartedly without hearing both sides of the story... then so be it. I don't need the toxic hatred. But yeah, step sister has been trying since I went NC to get me to talk to nada. Even went as far as to tell me that nada " had surgery & was doing fine " . Knowing how my nada is when it comes to doctors (read: she doesn't go to them), I wouldn't be surprised if it nada had her tell me that just to see if I'd call. My red flag alarm just goes off every time I think of that story... granted, it could be true since the woman didn't go to the doctor hardly at all in my life time... something could have been seriously wrong. But still, red flag alarm! I'm not buying it. Plus, if they just want you to deal with her so they don't have to, laugh at them & remind them that they are in no way obligated to put up with her either! Ok, I'll shut up now. Mia On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 6:12 PM, amandaveetee wrote: > > > Mia, > > I also wanted to ask you. Do you ever have the experience that people in > your family don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and > deal with your mom? My mom makes my other relatives miserable by complaining > about them to each other and me in particular right now because I'm NC with > her. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 The only person who kind of gives me grief is my step sister (nada's step daughter). Then again, step sister (aka: nada's flying monkey) has NO CLUE about what nada is really like. If she only knew half the crap nada has said about her & her siblings throughout their lives, she would probably stop being nada's flying monkey! Sadly I had to cut contact with my grandnada too (nada's mom). I didn't really want to, but I knew there would be no way I could maintain a relationship with her without her trying to interfere or " fix " me & my nada. Also, I do call her grandnada. She's also likely BPD but for the most part was always very good to me... with the only exception I know of was her complaining to other family members that I was " taking her for all she had " (money wise) when SHE would insist on taking me shopping, and then insist on buying me something. Oy. For the most part, neither my nada or dad's families are very close or tight. My nada has a brother, but he's several years older and has never been a huge part of our lives. My dad is an only child. I'm sure nada's telling anyone who will listen what a horrible awful daughter I am. I guess I don't care that much... I know the truth. If they're going to listen to the garbage she spews & believe her whole heartedly without hearing both sides of the story... then so be it. I don't need the toxic hatred. But yeah, step sister has been trying since I went NC to get me to talk to nada. Even went as far as to tell me that nada " had surgery & was doing fine " . Knowing how my nada is when it comes to doctors (read: she doesn't go to them), I wouldn't be surprised if it nada had her tell me that just to see if I'd call. My red flag alarm just goes off every time I think of that story... granted, it could be true since the woman didn't go to the doctor hardly at all in my life time... something could have been seriously wrong. But still, red flag alarm! I'm not buying it. Plus, if they just want you to deal with her so they don't have to, laugh at them & remind them that they are in no way obligated to put up with her either! Ok, I'll shut up now. Mia On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 6:12 PM, amandaveetee wrote: > > > Mia, > > I also wanted to ask you. Do you ever have the experience that people in > your family don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and > deal with your mom? My mom makes my other relatives miserable by complaining > about them to each other and me in particular right now because I'm NC with > her. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 The only person who kind of gives me grief is my step sister (nada's step daughter). Then again, step sister (aka: nada's flying monkey) has NO CLUE about what nada is really like. If she only knew half the crap nada has said about her & her siblings throughout their lives, she would probably stop being nada's flying monkey! Sadly I had to cut contact with my grandnada too (nada's mom). I didn't really want to, but I knew there would be no way I could maintain a relationship with her without her trying to interfere or " fix " me & my nada. Also, I do call her grandnada. She's also likely BPD but for the most part was always very good to me... with the only exception I know of was her complaining to other family members that I was " taking her for all she had " (money wise) when SHE would insist on taking me shopping, and then insist on buying me something. Oy. For the most part, neither my nada or dad's families are very close or tight. My nada has a brother, but he's several years older and has never been a huge part of our lives. My dad is an only child. I'm sure nada's telling anyone who will listen what a horrible awful daughter I am. I guess I don't care that much... I know the truth. If they're going to listen to the garbage she spews & believe her whole heartedly without hearing both sides of the story... then so be it. I don't need the toxic hatred. But yeah, step sister has been trying since I went NC to get me to talk to nada. Even went as far as to tell me that nada " had surgery & was doing fine " . Knowing how my nada is when it comes to doctors (read: she doesn't go to them), I wouldn't be surprised if it nada had her tell me that just to see if I'd call. My red flag alarm just goes off every time I think of that story... granted, it could be true since the woman didn't go to the doctor hardly at all in my life time... something could have been seriously wrong. But still, red flag alarm! I'm not buying it. Plus, if they just want you to deal with her so they don't have to, laugh at them & remind them that they are in no way obligated to put up with her either! Ok, I'll shut up now. Mia On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 6:12 PM, amandaveetee wrote: > > > Mia, > > I also wanted to ask you. Do you ever have the experience that people in > your family don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and > deal with your mom? My mom makes my other relatives miserable by complaining > about them to each other and me in particular right now because I'm NC with > her. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Oh yeah, I meant to reply to the bit about the inheritance too. I agree with GS... if you do want it, get your own lawyer. That would be my advice. I've also come to the same conclusion that GS has about anything nada might try to hold against me. The only thing I ever wanted from her was her piano. She never played it, ever, after I was about 3 or 4 years old. Technically she said it was mine, my 16th b.day present, but she would never let me take it out of her house & said " you can have it when I die " . Nope, don't want it. Give it to the step kids, to the dog, to a homeless shelter. Use it for firewood... I don't care. Mia On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 6:24 PM, Girlscout Cowboy < girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote: > Hey , > About the inheritance, those types of issues come up pretty regularly on > this board. It seems the best advice is to get a lawyer and then distance > yourself as much as possible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Oh yeah, I meant to reply to the bit about the inheritance too. I agree with GS... if you do want it, get your own lawyer. That would be my advice. I've also come to the same conclusion that GS has about anything nada might try to hold against me. The only thing I ever wanted from her was her piano. She never played it, ever, after I was about 3 or 4 years old. Technically she said it was mine, my 16th b.day present, but she would never let me take it out of her house & said " you can have it when I die " . Nope, don't want it. Give it to the step kids, to the dog, to a homeless shelter. Use it for firewood... I don't care. Mia On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 6:24 PM, Girlscout Cowboy < girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote: > Hey , > About the inheritance, those types of issues come up pretty regularly on > this board. It seems the best advice is to get a lawyer and then distance > yourself as much as possible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Oh yeah, I meant to reply to the bit about the inheritance too. I agree with GS... if you do want it, get your own lawyer. That would be my advice. I've also come to the same conclusion that GS has about anything nada might try to hold against me. The only thing I ever wanted from her was her piano. She never played it, ever, after I was about 3 or 4 years old. Technically she said it was mine, my 16th b.day present, but she would never let me take it out of her house & said " you can have it when I die " . Nope, don't want it. Give it to the step kids, to the dog, to a homeless shelter. Use it for firewood... I don't care. Mia On Sun, Jan 23, 2011 at 6:24 PM, Girlscout Cowboy < girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote: > Hey , > About the inheritance, those types of issues come up pretty regularly on > this board. It seems the best advice is to get a lawyer and then distance > yourself as much as possible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 This is very interesting because I'm on the other side of the coin. I wish to be as LC as possible with nada since her Christmas blow-up, but she continues to make cutesie comments on Facebook and called me at work last week (and she has never called me at work before). I have ignored everything and everytime she finds a new way to contact me, I block her. In my opinion, she's showing me that she can still talk to me and contact me without apologizing or dealing with her issues. I don't know if this is a good suggestion or not, but I would send her an email--(although maybe phone is easier for you, whatever is easier for you)--and say: I am sorry you feel that I am being passive aggressive with you. My message was merely meant to state that I would like to talk about our argument when you are ready and calm, as I am ready and calm. I cannot read your mind, so I do not know if you are ready to discuss it; I can only ask you if you are ready. On second thought: just call her bluff. Go NC with her and I'm guessing in a few weeks she'll be crying to you that she misses you. ly, I find it easier just to go NC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Mia, Thanks for sharing. I can definitely related to the money manipulation. My mom will routinely beg to treat me to things or take me shopping only to tell me what a selfish, shallow wasteful greedy person I am. I guess as long as we know the truth we have to take comfort in that. Thanks! and good luck to you as well! > > > > > > > Mia, > > > > I also wanted to ask you. Do you ever have the experience that people in > > your family don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and > > deal with your mom? My mom makes my other relatives miserable by complaining > > about them to each other and me in particular right now because I'm NC with > > her. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Thank you - I think if I do decide to break the NC (I have to decide if that will make her think she " won " ) I will definitely use your suggested statement via phone, it's great and clear and I'm sure she'll twist it around, but that's exactly what I wanted to say so thank you very much. I'm hoping that she'll crack first and " make the first move for " reconciliation " but I doubt she will. I've never stood up to her before, so this is new territory for me. Thanks for listening and your advice. > > This is very interesting because I'm on the other side of the coin. I wish to be as LC as possible with nada since her Christmas blow-up, but she continues to make cutesie comments on Facebook and called me at work last week (and she has never called me at work before). I have ignored everything and everytime she finds a new way to contact me, I block her. In my opinion, she's showing me that she can still talk to me and contact me without apologizing or dealing with her issues. > > I don't know if this is a good suggestion or not, but I would send her an email--(although maybe phone is easier for you, whatever is easier for you)--and say: I am sorry you feel that I am being passive aggressive with you. My message was merely meant to state that I would like to talk about our argument when you are ready and calm, as I am ready and calm. I cannot read your mind, so I do not know if you are ready to discuss it; I can only ask you if you are ready. > > On second thought: just call her bluff. Go NC with her and I'm guessing in a few weeks she'll be crying to you that she misses you. > > ly, I find it easier just to go NC. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Blair, I just want to say WOW. I am so sorry you're going through this. What you've shared here... I can imagine is absolutely awful for you. I hope you can find a good therapist who knows about trauma & recovery. For me, NC has been best, but that's a very individual decision. It's still challenging because now I have to live with the memories of nada & what she did & said. It's forcing me to really own up and do a lot of hard work. It's worth it, even with downfalls. Very worth it, IMO. Mia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 , same here; I am being manipulated by my mom re the trust and my inheritance..........it is truly horrible. Alastriona Subject: Re: chess with BPD To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, January 23, 2011, 6:08 PM Mia, Thanks so much for listening and for your advice. I'm not sure what our relationship will do over the years, I'm kind of in a bind right now because she's controlling inheritance I may or may not get from my deceased father and I'm trying to figure out how to get it (it's rightfully mine in his will, but she's contesting it b/c she claims I didn't honor his wishes when I got married without a prenup (that was news to me, by the way, he never mentioned wanting me to have a prenup while he was alive. I believe it was just another hoop she devised for me to jump through in my wedding process that she hated (b/c I was getting married and " abandoning " her) and if I had done a pre-nup she would have found another ridiculous thing for me to do. So now she constantly tells me she undid my trust (I don't think she can do that) but I don't know how to proceed in finding out anything or having her change her will or take additional family inheritance away from me. It's not so much about money as that I know my dad wouldn't want her doing this to her family in his name and I don't want to just walk away from her crazy behavior and leave her all this money to leave to her dog in her will (She might very well do that...). It isn't that I only care about money, I care that my dad worked hard his whole life to earn it and she did not. He wanted me explicitly to have a portion of it, because that is in his will, and she's punishing me and trying to use it as a carrot to keep me doing what she wants of me. I wouldn't be surprised if she was undoing things in her will and trying to undo his will because I'm not speaking to her right now. It is scary that mentally unstable people can be in charge of the money for a whole family... Thanks for listening! > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 , same here; I am being manipulated by my mom re the trust and my inheritance..........it is truly horrible. Alastriona Subject: Re: chess with BPD To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, January 23, 2011, 6:08 PM Mia, Thanks so much for listening and for your advice. I'm not sure what our relationship will do over the years, I'm kind of in a bind right now because she's controlling inheritance I may or may not get from my deceased father and I'm trying to figure out how to get it (it's rightfully mine in his will, but she's contesting it b/c she claims I didn't honor his wishes when I got married without a prenup (that was news to me, by the way, he never mentioned wanting me to have a prenup while he was alive. I believe it was just another hoop she devised for me to jump through in my wedding process that she hated (b/c I was getting married and " abandoning " her) and if I had done a pre-nup she would have found another ridiculous thing for me to do. So now she constantly tells me she undid my trust (I don't think she can do that) but I don't know how to proceed in finding out anything or having her change her will or take additional family inheritance away from me. It's not so much about money as that I know my dad wouldn't want her doing this to her family in his name and I don't want to just walk away from her crazy behavior and leave her all this money to leave to her dog in her will (She might very well do that...). It isn't that I only care about money, I care that my dad worked hard his whole life to earn it and she did not. He wanted me explicitly to have a portion of it, because that is in his will, and she's punishing me and trying to use it as a carrot to keep me doing what she wants of me. I wouldn't be surprised if she was undoing things in her will and trying to undo his will because I'm not speaking to her right now. It is scary that mentally unstable people can be in charge of the money for a whole family... Thanks for listening! > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 , same here; I am being manipulated by my mom re the trust and my inheritance..........it is truly horrible. Alastriona Subject: Re: chess with BPD To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, January 23, 2011, 6:08 PM Mia, Thanks so much for listening and for your advice. I'm not sure what our relationship will do over the years, I'm kind of in a bind right now because she's controlling inheritance I may or may not get from my deceased father and I'm trying to figure out how to get it (it's rightfully mine in his will, but she's contesting it b/c she claims I didn't honor his wishes when I got married without a prenup (that was news to me, by the way, he never mentioned wanting me to have a prenup while he was alive. I believe it was just another hoop she devised for me to jump through in my wedding process that she hated (b/c I was getting married and " abandoning " her) and if I had done a pre-nup she would have found another ridiculous thing for me to do. So now she constantly tells me she undid my trust (I don't think she can do that) but I don't know how to proceed in finding out anything or having her change her will or take additional family inheritance away from me. It's not so much about money as that I know my dad wouldn't want her doing this to her family in his name and I don't want to just walk away from her crazy behavior and leave her all this money to leave to her dog in her will (She might very well do that...). It isn't that I only care about money, I care that my dad worked hard his whole life to earn it and she did not. He wanted me explicitly to have a portion of it, because that is in his will, and she's punishing me and trying to use it as a carrot to keep me doing what she wants of me. I wouldn't be surprised if she was undoing things in her will and trying to undo his will because I'm not speaking to her right now. It is scary that mentally unstable people can be in charge of the money for a whole family... Thanks for listening! > > I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you hit the nail on the head... > you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't! There's typically > no winning with BPD nadas =( > > Sorry you're having such a hard time right now, but you try to worry about > you & not worry so much about her. Enjoy your " quiet time " from your mom! > I think if it were me, I'd not bother contacting her, let her be the one to > make that move. On the other hand, I'm NC with my nada, so maybe I'm not > the best one to give advice if you still want to try & have a relationship > with her. It's your decison, but try not to let her ruin your life, put > that guilt trip on you. You don't deserve it. > > This coming from a hypocrite with an awful case of fleas right now. =\ > > Hang in there . We're here for you (((()))) > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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