Re: Why is it that life always throws more crap at you?

[Guest guest]

Sometimes the only thing you can change is you, your thoughts, your reactions

and your actions. You have the right to terminate any conversation or

relationship that makes you feel violated and you just have to develop an iron

will to protect yourself no matter who says what. When they come at you with

disparaging commentary, you can just tell them that's there perspective and you

have another if they'd care to listen.

I'm lucky in that I still have my brother and my aunts that I talk to. They are

not choosing sides any more. They have had experience with my nada so they know

where I'm coming from. I shared with them the abuse that occurred as a child

and I have given them her words and asked them if they really thought the words

were from a poor sick mistreated mother of a heartless daughter. They believed

something was wrong and I shared with them that they should read up on and try

to understand BPD so they'd know how to deal with her without suffering her

wrath.

What is really helpful is getting a tough skin, understanding family dynamics.

It sounds like your are the skapegoat role in your family. Family dynamics give

everyone an assigned role and if someone buck's that role, the family ralley's

behind the folks not bucking their roles and sees you as a threat to their own

roles and so respond strangely. I was the hero/rescuer. When I rejected that

role, folks felt threatened by it because there was no way they could measure

up. One of my aunts tried and she came to the same conclusion I did -

impossible now in the absence of treatment and plain old common courtesy and

respect.

There are no easy answers - just try to get more comfortable about what your own

goals are in every family interaction. When the insults come up there is

nothing wrong with saying " there is no need to insult me in having a

conversation with me - what is it that you wish to accomplish with this

conversation with me. If you continue insulting me, I am going to discontinue

this conversation and we can continue it when you can speak to me without

insulting me. this puts the bad behavior back on the person dishing it, lets

them know you won't tolerate it and creates a healthy boundary. Just do what

you say you will do. Hang up the phone, delete insulting messages and only

respond by to positive healthy messages. If my nada would send me a decent non

insulting, threatening or abusing message, I would totally talk to her but see,

she is uncapable and I'm unwilling to suffer her abuse.

I wish you the best, hang in there. Sending you positive thoughts and strength.

Jaie

>

> I just had to jot this down. I was starting to get my life back on track and

starting to feel better about myself. Since family Christmas, I have kept my

contact with my family to a minimum. After they blamed and mostly avoided me due

to me pulling away from my Nada, it made the decision easier to start backing

off. But life just doesn't seem to want to let me go and keeps rubbing in my

face how my family is happy to pull behind everyone else, but when I was facing

one of the worst times of my life, they turned their backs on my and told me to

'get over it' and it was 'my problem', it was my 'fault' and I needed help so I

should just deal with it.

>

> Firstly my older sister's husband was diagnosed with cancer, oh and she is

pregnant with her first child. But after she ignored and ostracised me at

Christmas, I haven't bother contacting her, she has made it clear she doesn't

want to talk to me and to be honest, I have nothing to say to her. She is not

BPD like Nada, but she has picked up some of the Queen characteristics and I

don't think she wants anything to do with me because I see through it and won't

'worship' her like everyone else as I can see how self-centred she is, it is all

about her and do what she says or she is a bitch to you. So when my Nada texted

me about this situation. I noted it, but did not respond and did not contact my

sister. After all, unlike me, I knew my family would have all been contacting

her and telling her how much they supported her, etc, etc.

>

> But if that wasn't enough, one of my younger sisters who avoided me at

Christmas and hadn't bothered to contact me in the past and who wanted to 'knock

me off my high horse' suddenly starts contacting me wanting to know every detail

of what I am doing and is emailing me and texting me and won't take the hint

when I ignore most, or only send back brief responses and continually stating

that I am busy. But she ignores that and is questioning me demanding every

little detail of what I am doing. I don't know if I am paranoid, but it makes me

wonder who put her up to it. This is out of the blue for her, and it makes me

wonder why she is contacting me now. Am I paranoid?

>

> And to top things off, my auntie attempts to committ suicide and I get

something via email about it. This is on top of my Grandmother (who I used to be

close to and practically raised me) called me. Yet I don't really want to call

her back. She told me how I should just 'get over it'. Gee, I wish it were that

easy. Oh and she has just finished going through Chemo therapy for Ovarian

cancer that had spread to a secondary site.

>

> Sorry about my language, but geez, life's really a bitch sometimes. I just

want to pull away and ignoring a couple of texts / emails didn't bother me to

start with. After all, they think I am a bitch anyway and blame everything one

me already, I figured it wouldn't hurt if I look after myself and if I act a bit

like a bitch, well, certainly won't change their opinion of me when they already

think that! But how can I keep ignoring them when all this is happening. I want

to pull away, but I don't want to be the sort of person who ignores things like

this. They are big and horrible things in life. But what really gets me, is how

I see the family pulling together around them and supporting them. And maybe I

am just a bit bitter. Where was that when I needed it? And what would be the

point in contacting them anyway. They don't need me, pretty sure they don't

really want that much to do with me as they prefer to ignore me, particularly as

I refuse to let all the issues with Nada be swept under the rug and ignored.

>

> I was starting to pull things back together. I was finding it easier to get up

in the mornings, I have adopted 2 new cats (after my last fellow passed last

year) and am getting to know (and spoil) them. I was less on edge during the day

and noticed that I was cheerier at work. And now I can feel it all slipping

away. How do I pull away from a family I don't trust, that only hurts me, but

not turn back on the part of myself that is caring and looks out for people. I

don't know how to walk away whilst all this is still happening, but I still

desparately want to. I don't think they need me, or even want me to be a part of

the family (except as a whipping post), yet they keep trying to draw me back in.

How do you let go of the dream and the ideal of family and finally accept that

it is never going to be like that with your family and that you just need to

walk away? How do you do that and not lose all hope? I am single at the moment

and my closest friends live interstate. I feel like that if I lose my family I

will truly be alone and have no-one. So even though I want to walk away, I also

can't let go. Fighting yourself is very painful. Family has always been

important to me, how do I hold onto that value and yet walk away from a family

that only hurts me. A family that I still love and don't think they are bad

people, just people who don't want to deal with the proverbial elephant in the

room (my Nada) and her behaviour. After all, there wouldn't be a saying about

skeletons in the closet if it wasn't easier to ignore it and pretend it doesn't

exist.

>

> Sorry about this long post. I just needed to vent. Gotta try calling my

Grandmother back tomorrow night and am dreading it. I am just waiting for the

hammer to fall again how I am disappointing everyone again. The really sad thing

is, I used to be really close to my grandparents and used to be able to talk to

my grandmother about everything. But since she has gotten sick, she just wants

to mend all the relationships in the family before she passes and apparently I

am the one who is supposed to just get over it and re-establish the relationship

with my Nada. It just gets so hard sometimes.

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes the only thing you can change is you, your thoughts, your reactions

and your actions. You have the right to terminate any conversation or

relationship that makes you feel violated and you just have to develop an iron

will to protect yourself no matter who says what. When they come at you with

disparaging commentary, you can just tell them that's there perspective and you

have another if they'd care to listen.

I'm lucky in that I still have my brother and my aunts that I talk to. They are

not choosing sides any more. They have had experience with my nada so they know

where I'm coming from. I shared with them the abuse that occurred as a child

and I have given them her words and asked them if they really thought the words

were from a poor sick mistreated mother of a heartless daughter. They believed

something was wrong and I shared with them that they should read up on and try

to understand BPD so they'd know how to deal with her without suffering her

wrath.

What is really helpful is getting a tough skin, understanding family dynamics.

It sounds like your are the skapegoat role in your family. Family dynamics give

everyone an assigned role and if someone buck's that role, the family ralley's

behind the folks not bucking their roles and sees you as a threat to their own

roles and so respond strangely. I was the hero/rescuer. When I rejected that

role, folks felt threatened by it because there was no way they could measure

up. One of my aunts tried and she came to the same conclusion I did -

impossible now in the absence of treatment and plain old common courtesy and

respect.

There are no easy answers - just try to get more comfortable about what your own

goals are in every family interaction. When the insults come up there is

nothing wrong with saying " there is no need to insult me in having a

conversation with me - what is it that you wish to accomplish with this

conversation with me. If you continue insulting me, I am going to discontinue

this conversation and we can continue it when you can speak to me without

insulting me. this puts the bad behavior back on the person dishing it, lets

them know you won't tolerate it and creates a healthy boundary. Just do what

you say you will do. Hang up the phone, delete insulting messages and only

respond by to positive healthy messages. If my nada would send me a decent non

insulting, threatening or abusing message, I would totally talk to her but see,

she is uncapable and I'm unwilling to suffer her abuse.

I wish you the best, hang in there. Sending you positive thoughts and strength.

Jaie

>

> I just had to jot this down. I was starting to get my life back on track and

starting to feel better about myself. Since family Christmas, I have kept my

contact with my family to a minimum. After they blamed and mostly avoided me due

to me pulling away from my Nada, it made the decision easier to start backing

off. But life just doesn't seem to want to let me go and keeps rubbing in my

face how my family is happy to pull behind everyone else, but when I was facing

one of the worst times of my life, they turned their backs on my and told me to

'get over it' and it was 'my problem', it was my 'fault' and I needed help so I

should just deal with it.

>

> Firstly my older sister's husband was diagnosed with cancer, oh and she is

pregnant with her first child. But after she ignored and ostracised me at

Christmas, I haven't bother contacting her, she has made it clear she doesn't

want to talk to me and to be honest, I have nothing to say to her. She is not

BPD like Nada, but she has picked up some of the Queen characteristics and I

don't think she wants anything to do with me because I see through it and won't

'worship' her like everyone else as I can see how self-centred she is, it is all

about her and do what she says or she is a bitch to you. So when my Nada texted

me about this situation. I noted it, but did not respond and did not contact my

sister. After all, unlike me, I knew my family would have all been contacting

her and telling her how much they supported her, etc, etc.

>

> But if that wasn't enough, one of my younger sisters who avoided me at

Christmas and hadn't bothered to contact me in the past and who wanted to 'knock

me off my high horse' suddenly starts contacting me wanting to know every detail

of what I am doing and is emailing me and texting me and won't take the hint

when I ignore most, or only send back brief responses and continually stating

that I am busy. But she ignores that and is questioning me demanding every

little detail of what I am doing. I don't know if I am paranoid, but it makes me

wonder who put her up to it. This is out of the blue for her, and it makes me

wonder why she is contacting me now. Am I paranoid?

>

> And to top things off, my auntie attempts to committ suicide and I get

something via email about it. This is on top of my Grandmother (who I used to be

close to and practically raised me) called me. Yet I don't really want to call

her back. She told me how I should just 'get over it'. Gee, I wish it were that

easy. Oh and she has just finished going through Chemo therapy for Ovarian

cancer that had spread to a secondary site.

>

> Sorry about my language, but geez, life's really a bitch sometimes. I just

want to pull away and ignoring a couple of texts / emails didn't bother me to

start with. After all, they think I am a bitch anyway and blame everything one

me already, I figured it wouldn't hurt if I look after myself and if I act a bit

like a bitch, well, certainly won't change their opinion of me when they already

think that! But how can I keep ignoring them when all this is happening. I want

to pull away, but I don't want to be the sort of person who ignores things like

this. They are big and horrible things in life. But what really gets me, is how

I see the family pulling together around them and supporting them. And maybe I

am just a bit bitter. Where was that when I needed it? And what would be the

point in contacting them anyway. They don't need me, pretty sure they don't

really want that much to do with me as they prefer to ignore me, particularly as

I refuse to let all the issues with Nada be swept under the rug and ignored.

>

> I was starting to pull things back together. I was finding it easier to get up

in the mornings, I have adopted 2 new cats (after my last fellow passed last

year) and am getting to know (and spoil) them. I was less on edge during the day

and noticed that I was cheerier at work. And now I can feel it all slipping

away. How do I pull away from a family I don't trust, that only hurts me, but

not turn back on the part of myself that is caring and looks out for people. I

don't know how to walk away whilst all this is still happening, but I still

desparately want to. I don't think they need me, or even want me to be a part of

the family (except as a whipping post), yet they keep trying to draw me back in.

How do you let go of the dream and the ideal of family and finally accept that

it is never going to be like that with your family and that you just need to

walk away? How do you do that and not lose all hope? I am single at the moment

and my closest friends live interstate. I feel like that if I lose my family I

will truly be alone and have no-one. So even though I want to walk away, I also

can't let go. Fighting yourself is very painful. Family has always been

important to me, how do I hold onto that value and yet walk away from a family

that only hurts me. A family that I still love and don't think they are bad

people, just people who don't want to deal with the proverbial elephant in the

room (my Nada) and her behaviour. After all, there wouldn't be a saying about

skeletons in the closet if it wasn't easier to ignore it and pretend it doesn't

exist.

>

> Sorry about this long post. I just needed to vent. Gotta try calling my

Grandmother back tomorrow night and am dreading it. I am just waiting for the

hammer to fall again how I am disappointing everyone again. The really sad thing

is, I used to be really close to my grandparents and used to be able to talk to

my grandmother about everything. But since she has gotten sick, she just wants

to mend all the relationships in the family before she passes and apparently I

am the one who is supposed to just get over it and re-establish the relationship

with my Nada. It just gets so hard sometimes.

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes the only thing you can change is you, your thoughts, your reactions

and your actions. You have the right to terminate any conversation or

relationship that makes you feel violated and you just have to develop an iron

will to protect yourself no matter who says what. When they come at you with

disparaging commentary, you can just tell them that's there perspective and you

have another if they'd care to listen.

I'm lucky in that I still have my brother and my aunts that I talk to. They are

not choosing sides any more. They have had experience with my nada so they know

where I'm coming from. I shared with them the abuse that occurred as a child

and I have given them her words and asked them if they really thought the words

were from a poor sick mistreated mother of a heartless daughter. They believed

something was wrong and I shared with them that they should read up on and try

to understand BPD so they'd know how to deal with her without suffering her

wrath.

What is really helpful is getting a tough skin, understanding family dynamics.

It sounds like your are the skapegoat role in your family. Family dynamics give

everyone an assigned role and if someone buck's that role, the family ralley's

behind the folks not bucking their roles and sees you as a threat to their own

roles and so respond strangely. I was the hero/rescuer. When I rejected that

role, folks felt threatened by it because there was no way they could measure

up. One of my aunts tried and she came to the same conclusion I did -

impossible now in the absence of treatment and plain old common courtesy and

respect.

There are no easy answers - just try to get more comfortable about what your own

goals are in every family interaction. When the insults come up there is

nothing wrong with saying " there is no need to insult me in having a

conversation with me - what is it that you wish to accomplish with this

conversation with me. If you continue insulting me, I am going to discontinue

this conversation and we can continue it when you can speak to me without

insulting me. this puts the bad behavior back on the person dishing it, lets

them know you won't tolerate it and creates a healthy boundary. Just do what

you say you will do. Hang up the phone, delete insulting messages and only

respond by to positive healthy messages. If my nada would send me a decent non

insulting, threatening or abusing message, I would totally talk to her but see,

she is uncapable and I'm unwilling to suffer her abuse.

I wish you the best, hang in there. Sending you positive thoughts and strength.

Jaie

>

> I just had to jot this down. I was starting to get my life back on track and

starting to feel better about myself. Since family Christmas, I have kept my

contact with my family to a minimum. After they blamed and mostly avoided me due

to me pulling away from my Nada, it made the decision easier to start backing

off. But life just doesn't seem to want to let me go and keeps rubbing in my

face how my family is happy to pull behind everyone else, but when I was facing

one of the worst times of my life, they turned their backs on my and told me to

'get over it' and it was 'my problem', it was my 'fault' and I needed help so I

should just deal with it.

>

> Firstly my older sister's husband was diagnosed with cancer, oh and she is

pregnant with her first child. But after she ignored and ostracised me at

Christmas, I haven't bother contacting her, she has made it clear she doesn't

want to talk to me and to be honest, I have nothing to say to her. She is not

BPD like Nada, but she has picked up some of the Queen characteristics and I

don't think she wants anything to do with me because I see through it and won't

'worship' her like everyone else as I can see how self-centred she is, it is all

about her and do what she says or she is a bitch to you. So when my Nada texted

me about this situation. I noted it, but did not respond and did not contact my

sister. After all, unlike me, I knew my family would have all been contacting

her and telling her how much they supported her, etc, etc.

>

> But if that wasn't enough, one of my younger sisters who avoided me at

Christmas and hadn't bothered to contact me in the past and who wanted to 'knock

me off my high horse' suddenly starts contacting me wanting to know every detail

of what I am doing and is emailing me and texting me and won't take the hint

when I ignore most, or only send back brief responses and continually stating

that I am busy. But she ignores that and is questioning me demanding every

little detail of what I am doing. I don't know if I am paranoid, but it makes me

wonder who put her up to it. This is out of the blue for her, and it makes me

wonder why she is contacting me now. Am I paranoid?

>

> And to top things off, my auntie attempts to committ suicide and I get

something via email about it. This is on top of my Grandmother (who I used to be

close to and practically raised me) called me. Yet I don't really want to call

her back. She told me how I should just 'get over it'. Gee, I wish it were that

easy. Oh and she has just finished going through Chemo therapy for Ovarian

cancer that had spread to a secondary site.

>

> Sorry about my language, but geez, life's really a bitch sometimes. I just

want to pull away and ignoring a couple of texts / emails didn't bother me to

start with. After all, they think I am a bitch anyway and blame everything one

me already, I figured it wouldn't hurt if I look after myself and if I act a bit

like a bitch, well, certainly won't change their opinion of me when they already

think that! But how can I keep ignoring them when all this is happening. I want

to pull away, but I don't want to be the sort of person who ignores things like

this. They are big and horrible things in life. But what really gets me, is how

I see the family pulling together around them and supporting them. And maybe I

am just a bit bitter. Where was that when I needed it? And what would be the

point in contacting them anyway. They don't need me, pretty sure they don't

really want that much to do with me as they prefer to ignore me, particularly as

I refuse to let all the issues with Nada be swept under the rug and ignored.

>

> I was starting to pull things back together. I was finding it easier to get up

in the mornings, I have adopted 2 new cats (after my last fellow passed last

year) and am getting to know (and spoil) them. I was less on edge during the day

and noticed that I was cheerier at work. And now I can feel it all slipping

away. How do I pull away from a family I don't trust, that only hurts me, but

not turn back on the part of myself that is caring and looks out for people. I

don't know how to walk away whilst all this is still happening, but I still

desparately want to. I don't think they need me, or even want me to be a part of

the family (except as a whipping post), yet they keep trying to draw me back in.

How do you let go of the dream and the ideal of family and finally accept that

it is never going to be like that with your family and that you just need to

walk away? How do you do that and not lose all hope? I am single at the moment

and my closest friends live interstate. I feel like that if I lose my family I

will truly be alone and have no-one. So even though I want to walk away, I also

can't let go. Fighting yourself is very painful. Family has always been

important to me, how do I hold onto that value and yet walk away from a family

that only hurts me. A family that I still love and don't think they are bad

people, just people who don't want to deal with the proverbial elephant in the

room (my Nada) and her behaviour. After all, there wouldn't be a saying about

skeletons in the closet if it wasn't easier to ignore it and pretend it doesn't

exist.

>

> Sorry about this long post. I just needed to vent. Gotta try calling my

Grandmother back tomorrow night and am dreading it. I am just waiting for the

hammer to fall again how I am disappointing everyone again. The really sad thing

is, I used to be really close to my grandparents and used to be able to talk to

my grandmother about everything. But since she has gotten sick, she just wants

to mend all the relationships in the family before she passes and apparently I

am the one who is supposed to just get over it and re-establish the relationship

with my Nada. It just gets so hard sometimes.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jaie for your support. I am glad for you that your family can see it and

supports you. I tried to explain it to my family and how I felt and they

rejected and turned on me and blamed it all on me. So I was no so lucky.

Thank you though, for your kind words and support. Sometimes I get really down

and it gets really tough, but I am working on just getting on with my life and

learning to leave my family and all their crap behind me. I am working on taking

me control and bit by bit I get better at it.

One thing though, when you stir things up like I have, it is amazing the crap

that comes out of the woodworks and people suddenly tell you what they really

feel about you! Can be a real eye opener!