Guest guest Posted January 21, 2012 Report Share Posted January 21, 2012 Sara,I've most definitely had days like what you just described and they are HORRIBLE. Amazing how something like our weight, which would seem to be just one aspect of who we are, can so utterly define us. The only good thing I can say about days like this is that they've directly proceeded the times in life where I've made some serious changes. I'll get so angry at my body and all the associated frustrations that it's like something will just "click" and I'm suddenly redefining some of my most sabotaging patterns--in ways I didn't know I even know I had the strength to do. There's power in that kind of anger--the power to have breakthrus. I know I'm not intimately familiar with your circumstances or your relationship with food, but my gutt tells me the anger you're experiencing can have that kind of power. Consider harnessing it, my friend. Don't let it overtake your spirit. When it happens to me, I like to view it as a wild horse charging straight at me...I can get out of the way (avoid it by pushing it back into the recesses of my subconscious), I can let it knock me down (get depressed), or I can throw a saddle on it, jump into it, and take charge. I can't even say exactly what's allowed me to choose the 3rd option the times I've managed to. All I know is that its left me with some drastic determination to conquer! I pray you're able to do the same. We've all been where you are, regardless of where we are on our current journeys, and we all look forward to the day you can say you looked in the mirror and liked what you saw staring back. Hang in there, Gal. You can do this! IE since Sep 2011 To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Saturday, January 21, 2012 7:33 PM Subject: Bad Attitude Day I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to "love" my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a "big" coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2012 Report Share Posted January 21, 2012 Sara when I was reading your post when I came to the part where you were so angry at your body, I thought you are angry and probably feeling betrayed by your own body. BUT its your body that has been betrayed - by the LIES that told you all your hard work (at gym) would be 'done' and you could have what you achieved (forever). I know I have had that horrible shocked reaction to my own body which was certainly NOT what I held in my self image. The thing that helped me was to tell my body that I'm sorry for what I've been doing to it and a big thanks to it for serving me so well even with my poor care that I've done to it. Be WARM & comfortable in your new coat. Do allow yourself to 'mourn' that you aren't what you want to be at this very moment. But also remind yourself that loving yourself will get you further towards a positive change than self hate or admonishment. Good job for venting here and I'm honored that you have trusted us with your pain & upset feelings. Ehugs, Katcha IEing since March 2007 > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2012 Report Share Posted January 21, 2012 Sara, I'm so sorry for your pain. Few things are more confronting than 1) clothes shopping, 2) looking in the mirror in stores and 3) going to a " meat market " when you don't feel good about yourself. In fact, going to a meat market at any time is pretty hard on the self esteem. I was in a similar state over Christmas for the office party and yet when it came time for it, all of that had subsided and I was back in balance with my IE work and my body. I hope you can find your gentle voice in this; this is but another bump in the journey. Best wishes, Sandarah > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 Hi Sara, I don't know if this will help or not... when I have moments where I feel awful about how I look, I think about people who wear their (heavier) weight well. Adele, Queen Latifah, Kirstie Alley, son, etc... I usually think more about friends I know who wear it well-- friends who have style and accentuate their curves with their outfits. The next step is to pick out things you *do* like about yourself and show them off. Next, fake it till you make it. Pretend, even to yourself, that you have the confidence that those celebrities seem to have (maybe minus Kirstie Alley... she doesn't seem all that okay with her weight, though she is gorgeous). I believe that incrementally, the confidence becomes real. I am still lovable. I have a pretty big butt and easily could pass for 6-7 months pregnant with the belly I'm sporting (especially after a meal :-P), but I am lovable, pretty cute and sexy, even. Some days it's difficult and I hide in my clothing... but most days I don't. I know we should be more concerned with everything else we have to offer... but it's human nature to want to look nice and feel attractive, right? I want to be more than okay with how I look now. I may want to be smaller, but I don't have the answer on how to get there so all I can do is work with my looks as they are and do what I can - try to get nutritious foods in my diet, try not to beat myself up for my binges and try to get some exercise in. Hope that helps a bit! *hugs* > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 Sara, I agree with and I have this note on my refrigerator.. " I AM NOT MY BODY " .  I am so much more, we are all so much more than our bodies and we are all wonderful and deserving of love especially from ourselves. Sandy  Hi Sara, I don't know if this will help or not... when I have moments where I feel awful about how I look, I think about people who wear their (heavier) weight well. Adele, Queen Latifah, Kirstie Alley, son, etc... I usually think more about friends I know who wear it well-- friends who have style and accentuate their curves with their outfits. The next step is to pick out things you *do* like about yourself and show them off. Next, fake it till you make it. Pretend, even to yourself, that you have the confidence that those celebrities seem to have (maybe minus Kirstie Alley... she doesn't seem all that okay with her weight, though she is gorgeous). I believe that incrementally, the confidence becomes real. I am still lovable. I have a pretty big butt and easily could pass for 6-7 months pregnant with the belly I'm sporting (especially after a meal :-P), but I am lovable, pretty cute and sexy, even. Some days it's difficult and I hide in my clothing... but most days I don't. I know we should be more concerned with everything else we have to offer... but it's human nature to want to look nice and feel attractive, right? I want to be more than okay with how I look now. I may want to be smaller, but I don't have the answer on how to get there so all I can do is work with my looks as they are and do what I can - try to get nutritious foods in my diet, try not to beat myself up for my binges and try to get some exercise in. Hope that helps a bit! *hugs* > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 Sara, I agree with and I have this note on my refrigerator.. " I AM NOT MY BODY " .  I am so much more, we are all so much more than our bodies and we are all wonderful and deserving of love especially from ourselves. Sandy  Hi Sara, I don't know if this will help or not... when I have moments where I feel awful about how I look, I think about people who wear their (heavier) weight well. Adele, Queen Latifah, Kirstie Alley, son, etc... I usually think more about friends I know who wear it well-- friends who have style and accentuate their curves with their outfits. The next step is to pick out things you *do* like about yourself and show them off. Next, fake it till you make it. Pretend, even to yourself, that you have the confidence that those celebrities seem to have (maybe minus Kirstie Alley... she doesn't seem all that okay with her weight, though she is gorgeous). I believe that incrementally, the confidence becomes real. I am still lovable. I have a pretty big butt and easily could pass for 6-7 months pregnant with the belly I'm sporting (especially after a meal :-P), but I am lovable, pretty cute and sexy, even. Some days it's difficult and I hide in my clothing... but most days I don't. I know we should be more concerned with everything else we have to offer... but it's human nature to want to look nice and feel attractive, right? I want to be more than okay with how I look now. I may want to be smaller, but I don't have the answer on how to get there so all I can do is work with my looks as they are and do what I can - try to get nutritious foods in my diet, try not to beat myself up for my binges and try to get some exercise in. Hope that helps a bit! *hugs* > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 Sara, I agree with and I have this note on my refrigerator.. " I AM NOT MY BODY " .  I am so much more, we are all so much more than our bodies and we are all wonderful and deserving of love especially from ourselves. Sandy  Hi Sara, I don't know if this will help or not... when I have moments where I feel awful about how I look, I think about people who wear their (heavier) weight well. Adele, Queen Latifah, Kirstie Alley, son, etc... I usually think more about friends I know who wear it well-- friends who have style and accentuate their curves with their outfits. The next step is to pick out things you *do* like about yourself and show them off. Next, fake it till you make it. Pretend, even to yourself, that you have the confidence that those celebrities seem to have (maybe minus Kirstie Alley... she doesn't seem all that okay with her weight, though she is gorgeous). I believe that incrementally, the confidence becomes real. I am still lovable. I have a pretty big butt and easily could pass for 6-7 months pregnant with the belly I'm sporting (especially after a meal :-P), but I am lovable, pretty cute and sexy, even. Some days it's difficult and I hide in my clothing... but most days I don't. I know we should be more concerned with everything else we have to offer... but it's human nature to want to look nice and feel attractive, right? I want to be more than okay with how I look now. I may want to be smaller, but I don't have the answer on how to get there so all I can do is work with my looks as they are and do what I can - try to get nutritious foods in my diet, try not to beat myself up for my binges and try to get some exercise in. Hope that helps a bit! *hugs* > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 - I think that is a great way to push back those negative feelings that can crop up about our bodies, I have done this myself when I am feeling too big to be attractive. Sometimes I'll recall the woman I passed on the street who was bigger but was wearing a very fashionable outfit and looked great and confident, and I'll remind myself that she was still attractive despite being larger than what society would dictate. If she can look good and love her life as a larger size, why shouldn't I? (Of course, I have no idea if she loves her life, but for these purposes it is beneficial to give her the benefit of the doubt!) I am far kinder to others than I am to myself when it comes to body size. It often takes me awhile to notice when a friend or co-worker has gained or lost weight, which I have always thought odd considering my pre-occupation with it...but I chalk it up to the fact that their size has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about them. And so I remind myself that likely not many people care that I have gained some weight, and certainly they are not thinking negative things about it. Those that have noticed probably chalk it up to stress and think no more of it. I think we are almost always harder on ourselves when it comes to appearance than anyone else. > > > > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 - I think that is a great way to push back those negative feelings that can crop up about our bodies, I have done this myself when I am feeling too big to be attractive. Sometimes I'll recall the woman I passed on the street who was bigger but was wearing a very fashionable outfit and looked great and confident, and I'll remind myself that she was still attractive despite being larger than what society would dictate. If she can look good and love her life as a larger size, why shouldn't I? (Of course, I have no idea if she loves her life, but for these purposes it is beneficial to give her the benefit of the doubt!) I am far kinder to others than I am to myself when it comes to body size. It often takes me awhile to notice when a friend or co-worker has gained or lost weight, which I have always thought odd considering my pre-occupation with it...but I chalk it up to the fact that their size has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about them. And so I remind myself that likely not many people care that I have gained some weight, and certainly they are not thinking negative things about it. Those that have noticed probably chalk it up to stress and think no more of it. I think we are almost always harder on ourselves when it comes to appearance than anyone else. > > > > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 - I think that is a great way to push back those negative feelings that can crop up about our bodies, I have done this myself when I am feeling too big to be attractive. Sometimes I'll recall the woman I passed on the street who was bigger but was wearing a very fashionable outfit and looked great and confident, and I'll remind myself that she was still attractive despite being larger than what society would dictate. If she can look good and love her life as a larger size, why shouldn't I? (Of course, I have no idea if she loves her life, but for these purposes it is beneficial to give her the benefit of the doubt!) I am far kinder to others than I am to myself when it comes to body size. It often takes me awhile to notice when a friend or co-worker has gained or lost weight, which I have always thought odd considering my pre-occupation with it...but I chalk it up to the fact that their size has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about them. And so I remind myself that likely not many people care that I have gained some weight, and certainly they are not thinking negative things about it. Those that have noticed probably chalk it up to stress and think no more of it. I think we are almost always harder on ourselves when it comes to appearance than anyone else. > > > > > > I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in 30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight. I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that, BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big " coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me. > > > > This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother. > > > > Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up my risk. > > > > > > So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even close to a normal weight for me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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