Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I have heard that depression is anger turned inward against the self when there is no way to direct the anger at the true source of one's pain. Its normal to feel anger or even rage (as well as fear) when subjected to cruel treatment and your tormentor seems to be enjoying it, and does it to you repeatedly. Cruelty is not only unfair, its unspeakably vile for a parent to subject their own child to verbal/emotional or physical cruelty; as a minor child you have no way to stop it, no way to protect yourself from it and no way to even protest it. Its as though the child is a puppy chained to a post and muzzled so it can't get away or scream while its being kicked. Have you and your therapist talked about you being able (or not being able) to access your anger and express it? If you have accumulated deeply buried anger, but actually letting it out has seemed " wrong " to you, forbidden because it makes you evil (or too much like your tormentors) and you've been holding in anger and bottling it up for years, denying that it even exists, then... maybe that's something to explore with your therapist. I think bottled-up rage was a big problem for me, anyway. Being able to acknowledge to myself that yes, by God, I am freaking ANGRY at my nada for abusing me and warping my young mind, and I am angry at dad for letting her. And I'm angry at MYSELF for being weak and needy and passive, and not rescuing myself earlier in life. Anger is in a way the opposite of depression. Maybe if you discuss this idea in therapy, it could result in new ways for you to break free of your depression. Just an idea to explore. Anger is scary, no doubt about it. Openly revealing our anger is like letting the genie out of the bottle; its hard to get it back inside again. But... the clever hero in the fairy tales manages to achieve that mastery and gain control of the powerful, magical djinn. We can do it too. Might be more productive than slipping into the dark place again, where perhaps you are hiding from your anger, or you're hiding it from your conscious mind? -Annie > > I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that dark place " of > depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in June or July, > and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it do? the past > is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I keep letting > it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the past but I'm > struggling hard lately. > > I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more flashbacks, more > crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long now. Years of > therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't seem to fight > going back there any longer. > > Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the evil one. Not > good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my whole life for > failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I have heard that depression is anger turned inward against the self when there is no way to direct the anger at the true source of one's pain. Its normal to feel anger or even rage (as well as fear) when subjected to cruel treatment and your tormentor seems to be enjoying it, and does it to you repeatedly. Cruelty is not only unfair, its unspeakably vile for a parent to subject their own child to verbal/emotional or physical cruelty; as a minor child you have no way to stop it, no way to protect yourself from it and no way to even protest it. Its as though the child is a puppy chained to a post and muzzled so it can't get away or scream while its being kicked. Have you and your therapist talked about you being able (or not being able) to access your anger and express it? If you have accumulated deeply buried anger, but actually letting it out has seemed " wrong " to you, forbidden because it makes you evil (or too much like your tormentors) and you've been holding in anger and bottling it up for years, denying that it even exists, then... maybe that's something to explore with your therapist. I think bottled-up rage was a big problem for me, anyway. Being able to acknowledge to myself that yes, by God, I am freaking ANGRY at my nada for abusing me and warping my young mind, and I am angry at dad for letting her. And I'm angry at MYSELF for being weak and needy and passive, and not rescuing myself earlier in life. Anger is in a way the opposite of depression. Maybe if you discuss this idea in therapy, it could result in new ways for you to break free of your depression. Just an idea to explore. Anger is scary, no doubt about it. Openly revealing our anger is like letting the genie out of the bottle; its hard to get it back inside again. But... the clever hero in the fairy tales manages to achieve that mastery and gain control of the powerful, magical djinn. We can do it too. Might be more productive than slipping into the dark place again, where perhaps you are hiding from your anger, or you're hiding it from your conscious mind? -Annie > > I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that dark place " of > depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in June or July, > and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it do? the past > is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I keep letting > it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the past but I'm > struggling hard lately. > > I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more flashbacks, more > crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long now. Years of > therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't seem to fight > going back there any longer. > > Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the evil one. Not > good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my whole life for > failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I have heard that depression is anger turned inward against the self when there is no way to direct the anger at the true source of one's pain. Its normal to feel anger or even rage (as well as fear) when subjected to cruel treatment and your tormentor seems to be enjoying it, and does it to you repeatedly. Cruelty is not only unfair, its unspeakably vile for a parent to subject their own child to verbal/emotional or physical cruelty; as a minor child you have no way to stop it, no way to protect yourself from it and no way to even protest it. Its as though the child is a puppy chained to a post and muzzled so it can't get away or scream while its being kicked. Have you and your therapist talked about you being able (or not being able) to access your anger and express it? If you have accumulated deeply buried anger, but actually letting it out has seemed " wrong " to you, forbidden because it makes you evil (or too much like your tormentors) and you've been holding in anger and bottling it up for years, denying that it even exists, then... maybe that's something to explore with your therapist. I think bottled-up rage was a big problem for me, anyway. Being able to acknowledge to myself that yes, by God, I am freaking ANGRY at my nada for abusing me and warping my young mind, and I am angry at dad for letting her. And I'm angry at MYSELF for being weak and needy and passive, and not rescuing myself earlier in life. Anger is in a way the opposite of depression. Maybe if you discuss this idea in therapy, it could result in new ways for you to break free of your depression. Just an idea to explore. Anger is scary, no doubt about it. Openly revealing our anger is like letting the genie out of the bottle; its hard to get it back inside again. But... the clever hero in the fairy tales manages to achieve that mastery and gain control of the powerful, magical djinn. We can do it too. Might be more productive than slipping into the dark place again, where perhaps you are hiding from your anger, or you're hiding it from your conscious mind? -Annie > > I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that dark place " of > depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in June or July, > and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it do? the past > is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I keep letting > it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the past but I'm > struggling hard lately. > > I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more flashbacks, more > crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long now. Years of > therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't seem to fight > going back there any longer. > > Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the evil one. Not > good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my whole life for > failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Mia, You sound like you're looking at taking anti-depressants as a personal failure. Please don't. If you need them, you need them. Some people have the bad luck to have a chemical imbalance that results in chronic depression. If you're one of them, that's no more a personal failure than having a more physical imbalance like diabetes is. Many people take anti-depressants to maintain their mental health. Having the right medicine makes a huge difference in their lives. Anger is an emotion that can be very helpful or very harmful. What you do with it determines whether it becomes harmful or not. If you use it to fuel a push for changes, then it can be very positive. If you hold on to it and let it eat you up inside, then it can be very negative. Simply being angry at your nada probably falls into the negative category, especially if you're holding it all in and trying not to let it out. My advice is to use the anger to help encourage yourself change the way you deal with your nada. You're not at all likely to change her, so you have to change the way you deal with her if you want anything to get better. Let yourself feel the anger, letting it motivate you to do whatever you have to do to avoid suffering more abuse at the hands of your nada. The flashbacks and crying spells are probably your mind's way of trying to work through the things that have happened to you. Having more of them is not necessarily a bad thing. It may just mean that you're making progress in processing and getting past things that you've kept locked away inside you. Your nada was not right. You aren't the crazy one and you're not bad or evil. You deserve good things. You're not a failure either. You may have failed so far at doing some things you set out to do, but that doesn't define you as a " failure " . At 03:51 PM 01/21/2011 Justi3 wrote: >I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that >dark place " of >depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in >June or July, >and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > >I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it >do? the past >is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I >keep letting >it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the >past but I'm >struggling hard lately. > >I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more >flashbacks, more >crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > >I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long >now. Years of >therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > >Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't >seem to fight >going back there any longer. > >Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the >evil one. Not >good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my >whole life for >failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is >me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > >Mia -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Mia, You sound like you're looking at taking anti-depressants as a personal failure. Please don't. If you need them, you need them. Some people have the bad luck to have a chemical imbalance that results in chronic depression. If you're one of them, that's no more a personal failure than having a more physical imbalance like diabetes is. Many people take anti-depressants to maintain their mental health. Having the right medicine makes a huge difference in their lives. Anger is an emotion that can be very helpful or very harmful. What you do with it determines whether it becomes harmful or not. If you use it to fuel a push for changes, then it can be very positive. If you hold on to it and let it eat you up inside, then it can be very negative. Simply being angry at your nada probably falls into the negative category, especially if you're holding it all in and trying not to let it out. My advice is to use the anger to help encourage yourself change the way you deal with your nada. You're not at all likely to change her, so you have to change the way you deal with her if you want anything to get better. Let yourself feel the anger, letting it motivate you to do whatever you have to do to avoid suffering more abuse at the hands of your nada. The flashbacks and crying spells are probably your mind's way of trying to work through the things that have happened to you. Having more of them is not necessarily a bad thing. It may just mean that you're making progress in processing and getting past things that you've kept locked away inside you. Your nada was not right. You aren't the crazy one and you're not bad or evil. You deserve good things. You're not a failure either. You may have failed so far at doing some things you set out to do, but that doesn't define you as a " failure " . At 03:51 PM 01/21/2011 Justi3 wrote: >I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that >dark place " of >depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in >June or July, >and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > >I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it >do? the past >is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I >keep letting >it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the >past but I'm >struggling hard lately. > >I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more >flashbacks, more >crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > >I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long >now. Years of >therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > >Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't >seem to fight >going back there any longer. > >Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the >evil one. Not >good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my >whole life for >failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is >me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > >Mia -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Mia, You sound like you're looking at taking anti-depressants as a personal failure. Please don't. If you need them, you need them. Some people have the bad luck to have a chemical imbalance that results in chronic depression. If you're one of them, that's no more a personal failure than having a more physical imbalance like diabetes is. Many people take anti-depressants to maintain their mental health. Having the right medicine makes a huge difference in their lives. Anger is an emotion that can be very helpful or very harmful. What you do with it determines whether it becomes harmful or not. If you use it to fuel a push for changes, then it can be very positive. If you hold on to it and let it eat you up inside, then it can be very negative. Simply being angry at your nada probably falls into the negative category, especially if you're holding it all in and trying not to let it out. My advice is to use the anger to help encourage yourself change the way you deal with your nada. You're not at all likely to change her, so you have to change the way you deal with her if you want anything to get better. Let yourself feel the anger, letting it motivate you to do whatever you have to do to avoid suffering more abuse at the hands of your nada. The flashbacks and crying spells are probably your mind's way of trying to work through the things that have happened to you. Having more of them is not necessarily a bad thing. It may just mean that you're making progress in processing and getting past things that you've kept locked away inside you. Your nada was not right. You aren't the crazy one and you're not bad or evil. You deserve good things. You're not a failure either. You may have failed so far at doing some things you set out to do, but that doesn't define you as a " failure " . At 03:51 PM 01/21/2011 Justi3 wrote: >I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that >dark place " of >depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in >June or July, >and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > >I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it >do? the past >is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I >keep letting >it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the >past but I'm >struggling hard lately. > >I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more >flashbacks, more >crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > >I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long >now. Years of >therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > >Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't >seem to fight >going back there any longer. > >Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the >evil one. Not >good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my >whole life for >failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is >me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > >Mia -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yes, maybe *expressing* or *directing* your anger and rage in a healthy way is the stumbling block. You at least know you have it, but actually getting it out, showing it, unleashing it, *feeling it* may be your bottleneck? It takes a lot of concentrated energy to hold rage back; its exhausting. Maybe the tiredness you are feeling is a clue to that? Sometimes our depression is like the scab over a deep wound. The idea of ripping off the scab and exposing that deep infected wound is frightening. Admitting this woundedness feels like we are making ourselves too vulnerable, setting ourselves up for more wounding. Again, its too scary. Deep, intense feelings ARE scary when we've never been allowed to acknowledge them, express them in healthy ways, and process/integrate them. Anger and denial, and subverting the anger/denial into depression... these are coping mechanisms, survival mechanisms that help us live through childhood powerlessness, but they can become counterproductive in adulthood. Something to explore in therapy, perhaps. All of this is just me thinking out loud, so to speak; your therapist is the one equipped to help guide you through the labyrinth of conscious and subconscious feelings you're in the middle of, and come out the other side safe and healthy. -Annie > > I know I'm angry, and I know I have a right to be angry, but maybe I don't > know how to express it. I don't know. How could I when I was never allowed > to? > > Right now, the familiarity of the dark hole of depression is actually more > soothing than trying to fight it off. I'm out of energy for it at the > moment. It feels worthless to keep fighting right now, almost like it would > be better to temporarily wave the white flag, give in to the > anger/sadness/whatever and just feel it. Because eventually I'll pull > myself up by my damned boot straps and crawl back out. I always do. > > I guess I need to be selfish & wallow in self pity right now. Again, > something else I was never allowed to do... to actually feel sorry for > myself? That would be " playing the victim " according to nada. It's things > like that that she would say that really make me feel that somewhere deep > down inside her own bitter darkness she knows what she did was wrong; that I > was her victim... her plaything for her own crazy & somewhat sadistic needs. > > I keep trying so damn hard not to be her victim anymore, but I feel that my > mind has been warped beyond all recognition. I don't even recognize myself > anymore. I don't really know where she ends & I begin because I was never > allowed to be me. I'm still not sure who the hell I am. > > I feel like an utter failure at everything I attempt but I also feel that I > was never given the opportunity to succeed & thrive. I'm trying to give > myself that opportunity now, it's completely unfamiliar. > > I'm tired of being sucked back in by what is apparently my own volition. > I'm tired of flashbacks trying to suck me back in. I've been managing to > stop them through techniques my T has taught me but it's like the harder I > fight them, the more frequently they happen. > > I am also lost in much fantasy lately about things that I won't talk about > here because they scare me. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yes, maybe *expressing* or *directing* your anger and rage in a healthy way is the stumbling block. You at least know you have it, but actually getting it out, showing it, unleashing it, *feeling it* may be your bottleneck? It takes a lot of concentrated energy to hold rage back; its exhausting. Maybe the tiredness you are feeling is a clue to that? Sometimes our depression is like the scab over a deep wound. The idea of ripping off the scab and exposing that deep infected wound is frightening. Admitting this woundedness feels like we are making ourselves too vulnerable, setting ourselves up for more wounding. Again, its too scary. Deep, intense feelings ARE scary when we've never been allowed to acknowledge them, express them in healthy ways, and process/integrate them. Anger and denial, and subverting the anger/denial into depression... these are coping mechanisms, survival mechanisms that help us live through childhood powerlessness, but they can become counterproductive in adulthood. Something to explore in therapy, perhaps. All of this is just me thinking out loud, so to speak; your therapist is the one equipped to help guide you through the labyrinth of conscious and subconscious feelings you're in the middle of, and come out the other side safe and healthy. -Annie > > I know I'm angry, and I know I have a right to be angry, but maybe I don't > know how to express it. I don't know. How could I when I was never allowed > to? > > Right now, the familiarity of the dark hole of depression is actually more > soothing than trying to fight it off. I'm out of energy for it at the > moment. It feels worthless to keep fighting right now, almost like it would > be better to temporarily wave the white flag, give in to the > anger/sadness/whatever and just feel it. Because eventually I'll pull > myself up by my damned boot straps and crawl back out. I always do. > > I guess I need to be selfish & wallow in self pity right now. Again, > something else I was never allowed to do... to actually feel sorry for > myself? That would be " playing the victim " according to nada. It's things > like that that she would say that really make me feel that somewhere deep > down inside her own bitter darkness she knows what she did was wrong; that I > was her victim... her plaything for her own crazy & somewhat sadistic needs. > > I keep trying so damn hard not to be her victim anymore, but I feel that my > mind has been warped beyond all recognition. I don't even recognize myself > anymore. I don't really know where she ends & I begin because I was never > allowed to be me. I'm still not sure who the hell I am. > > I feel like an utter failure at everything I attempt but I also feel that I > was never given the opportunity to succeed & thrive. I'm trying to give > myself that opportunity now, it's completely unfamiliar. > > I'm tired of being sucked back in by what is apparently my own volition. > I'm tired of flashbacks trying to suck me back in. I've been managing to > stop them through techniques my T has taught me but it's like the harder I > fight them, the more frequently they happen. > > I am also lost in much fantasy lately about things that I won't talk about > here because they scare me. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I second Katrina's statement about antidepressants. I have depression too, it's pretty bad and gets worse in winter with SAD on top of it which totally sucks. I know I will probably be on Zoloft long-term. I remind myself it's like DH's asthma--it's a chronic condition and is not my fault I have it. It's just compounded with the abuse, which is also not my fault. It's actually a little moment of win just KNOWING you have to take it, and taking it. So, good for you I'm glad DH is taking steroids and albuterol for his asthma, it makes his quality of life so much better. Antidepressants is the same way. And I feel your pain, and know what you mean about depression being familiar. For some reason " Sound of Silence " by Simon and Garfunkel is my " depression song. " " Hello darkness, my old friend. It's time to talk with you again... " Also, there's this poem that reminds me so much of depression, too, called the " Rainy Day " by somebody. Be still sad heart and cease pining Behind the clouds the sun is still shining Thy fate is the common fate of all In each life some rain must fall Some days must be dark and dreary. Also, you just had surgery--so that definitely wouldn't help matters any. Mia, know you're not alone If you ever want to talk more about it, you know my email address, feel free (((hugs))) Holly > > > Mia, > You sound like you're looking at taking anti-depressants as a > personal failure. Please don't. If you need them, you need them. > Some people have the bad luck to have a chemical imbalance that > results in chronic depression. If you're one of them, that's no > more a personal failure than having a more physical imbalance > like diabetes is. Many people take anti-depressants to maintain > their mental health. Having the right medicine makes a huge > difference in their lives. > > Anger is an emotion that can be very helpful or very harmful. > What you do with it determines whether it becomes harmful or > not. If you use it to fuel a push for changes, then it can be > very positive. If you hold on to it and let it eat you up > inside, then it can be very negative. Simply being angry at your > nada probably falls into the negative category, especially if > you're holding it all in and trying not to let it out. My advice > is to use the anger to help encourage yourself change the way > you deal with your nada. You're not at all likely to change her, > so you have to change the way you deal with her if you want > anything to get better. Let yourself feel the anger, letting it > motivate you to do whatever you have to do to avoid suffering > more abuse at the hands of your nada. > > The flashbacks and crying spells are probably your mind's way of > trying to work through the things that have happened to you. > Having more of them is not necessarily a bad thing. It may just > mean that you're making progress in processing and getting past > things that you've kept locked away inside you. > > Your nada was not right. You aren't the crazy one and you're not > bad or evil. You deserve good things. You're not a failure > either. You may have failed so far at doing some things you set > out to do, but that doesn't define you as a " failure " . > > > At 03:51 PM 01/21/2011 Justi3 wrote: > >I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that > >dark place " of > >depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in > >June or July, > >and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > > >I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it > >do? the past > >is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I > >keep letting > >it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the > >past but I'm > >struggling hard lately. > > > >I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more > >flashbacks, more > >crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > > >I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long > >now. Years of > >therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > > >Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't > >seem to fight > >going back there any longer. > > > >Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the > >evil one. Not > >good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my > >whole life for > >failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is > >me, not her. > > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > > >Mia > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks all. Now reading this poem you posted Holly, I'm reminded of one of my favorites by Dickinson called " I'm nobody, who are you " I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us — don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! I think this poem has always spoken to me. I've always felt like an outsider, so the first stance in particular. Just trying to take it one day at a time and not be overwhelmed. Not going so great. But like I said, I always find a way to pull myself out. Just not today. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks all. Now reading this poem you posted Holly, I'm reminded of one of my favorites by Dickinson called " I'm nobody, who are you " I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us — don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! I think this poem has always spoken to me. I've always felt like an outsider, so the first stance in particular. Just trying to take it one day at a time and not be overwhelmed. Not going so great. But like I said, I always find a way to pull myself out. Just not today. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks all. Now reading this poem you posted Holly, I'm reminded of one of my favorites by Dickinson called " I'm nobody, who are you " I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us — don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! I think this poem has always spoken to me. I've always felt like an outsider, so the first stance in particular. Just trying to take it one day at a time and not be overwhelmed. Not going so great. But like I said, I always find a way to pull myself out. Just not today. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 (((((((((((Mia))))))))))) There is a really good book out by called Dark Nights of the Soul. In the book talks about depression and ways to deal with it. So, growing up the way we did, we will be prone to depression now and then. My first bout started at 16. One of nada's friends was a counselor and she told me that I didn't have to fear or fight depression and through counseling I could look into whether there was a psychological reason but she also told me I could do some things on my own and I do these things to this day. She helped me make out a list of what to do when it strikes. So, every single day without fail I do something for myself that I enjoy. It was something simple at 16...just putting on my make up. I don't wear it for anyone else but me. I love make up. So, even yesterday headed into surgery I had on a little make up. Today, that's the first thing I did when I got up. The next thing I did was right an updated list of affirmations when ever the depression struck. I used to resist it, entertain thoughts that I must be defective for feeling depressed and I would panic a little when it struck. I did so only because the liar inside my head would tell me I was defective, that nada was right, that this feeling was going to last forever. But after reading ' book, I no longer feel that way. I'm actually feeling a bit depressed today but I know that it won't last, is only a product of my own thoughts that I will work through and rectify in time and that if I relax into the emotional pain of depression and accept it without resisting it or panicking, it will pass in a few days or at most a few weeks. I just continue to do what I need to do. If I need to cry, I cry. Sometimes your body just needs to release the tears and its perfectly okay. Sometimes we need a dark night of the soul to make us pause, try to reflect as positively as we can and be EXTRA gentle with ourselves. Taking time out and being super kind to ourselves goes a long way too. When we struggle too much, there could be chemical imbalance going on. We can try to change our diet, add vitamins and exercise and if those things don't work - go get anti-depressants to help you through the rough patches. You are not defective and nada is not right. You're a beautiful, sensitive and amazing human being. Your life matters to all those whom you encounter. You can do this and we're here with you. Much love my friend. Jaie > > I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that dark place " of > depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in June or July, > and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it do? the past > is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I keep letting > it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the past but I'm > struggling hard lately. > > I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more flashbacks, more > crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long now. Years of > therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't seem to fight > going back there any longer. > > Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the evil one. Not > good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my whole life for > failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 (((((((((((Mia))))))))))) There is a really good book out by called Dark Nights of the Soul. In the book talks about depression and ways to deal with it. So, growing up the way we did, we will be prone to depression now and then. My first bout started at 16. One of nada's friends was a counselor and she told me that I didn't have to fear or fight depression and through counseling I could look into whether there was a psychological reason but she also told me I could do some things on my own and I do these things to this day. She helped me make out a list of what to do when it strikes. So, every single day without fail I do something for myself that I enjoy. It was something simple at 16...just putting on my make up. I don't wear it for anyone else but me. I love make up. So, even yesterday headed into surgery I had on a little make up. Today, that's the first thing I did when I got up. The next thing I did was right an updated list of affirmations when ever the depression struck. I used to resist it, entertain thoughts that I must be defective for feeling depressed and I would panic a little when it struck. I did so only because the liar inside my head would tell me I was defective, that nada was right, that this feeling was going to last forever. But after reading ' book, I no longer feel that way. I'm actually feeling a bit depressed today but I know that it won't last, is only a product of my own thoughts that I will work through and rectify in time and that if I relax into the emotional pain of depression and accept it without resisting it or panicking, it will pass in a few days or at most a few weeks. I just continue to do what I need to do. If I need to cry, I cry. Sometimes your body just needs to release the tears and its perfectly okay. Sometimes we need a dark night of the soul to make us pause, try to reflect as positively as we can and be EXTRA gentle with ourselves. Taking time out and being super kind to ourselves goes a long way too. When we struggle too much, there could be chemical imbalance going on. We can try to change our diet, add vitamins and exercise and if those things don't work - go get anti-depressants to help you through the rough patches. You are not defective and nada is not right. You're a beautiful, sensitive and amazing human being. Your life matters to all those whom you encounter. You can do this and we're here with you. Much love my friend. Jaie > > I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that dark place " of > depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in June or July, > and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it do? the past > is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I keep letting > it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the past but I'm > struggling hard lately. > > I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more flashbacks, more > crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long now. Years of > therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't seem to fight > going back there any longer. > > Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the evil one. Not > good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my whole life for > failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 (((((((((((Mia))))))))))) There is a really good book out by called Dark Nights of the Soul. In the book talks about depression and ways to deal with it. So, growing up the way we did, we will be prone to depression now and then. My first bout started at 16. One of nada's friends was a counselor and she told me that I didn't have to fear or fight depression and through counseling I could look into whether there was a psychological reason but she also told me I could do some things on my own and I do these things to this day. She helped me make out a list of what to do when it strikes. So, every single day without fail I do something for myself that I enjoy. It was something simple at 16...just putting on my make up. I don't wear it for anyone else but me. I love make up. So, even yesterday headed into surgery I had on a little make up. Today, that's the first thing I did when I got up. The next thing I did was right an updated list of affirmations when ever the depression struck. I used to resist it, entertain thoughts that I must be defective for feeling depressed and I would panic a little when it struck. I did so only because the liar inside my head would tell me I was defective, that nada was right, that this feeling was going to last forever. But after reading ' book, I no longer feel that way. I'm actually feeling a bit depressed today but I know that it won't last, is only a product of my own thoughts that I will work through and rectify in time and that if I relax into the emotional pain of depression and accept it without resisting it or panicking, it will pass in a few days or at most a few weeks. I just continue to do what I need to do. If I need to cry, I cry. Sometimes your body just needs to release the tears and its perfectly okay. Sometimes we need a dark night of the soul to make us pause, try to reflect as positively as we can and be EXTRA gentle with ourselves. Taking time out and being super kind to ourselves goes a long way too. When we struggle too much, there could be chemical imbalance going on. We can try to change our diet, add vitamins and exercise and if those things don't work - go get anti-depressants to help you through the rough patches. You are not defective and nada is not right. You're a beautiful, sensitive and amazing human being. Your life matters to all those whom you encounter. You can do this and we're here with you. Much love my friend. Jaie > > I've been struggling for months now to not go back into " that dark place " of > depression. I had " graduated " from antidepressants back in June or July, > and now I'm back on them. I feel like I can't pull myself out. > > I'm very angry at nada, and yet I feel like what good does it do? the past > is the past and I can't keep letting it consume me but yet I keep letting > it. I keep trying to break away from & make peace with the past but I'm > struggling hard lately. > > I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Been having more flashbacks, more > crying spells. I just want all this crap to be over with. > > I feel like I've been fighting this battle for way too long now. Years of > therapy & psychiatry... have I really gotten anywhere? > > Just going to crawl into my hole of despair because I can't seem to fight > going back there any longer. > > Maybe nada was right. I am the crazy one, the bad one, the evil one. Not > good enough or deserving of anything good. I was set up my whole life for > failure, and look what I've become - a failure. I guess it is me, not her. > I still hate her & want nothing to do with her though. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I read Thich Nhat Hanh quite a bit over time. He talks about treating our emotions as if they were a baby born of our body that we must take great care with. Imagine this, your tears are a beautiful expression of your emotion and each one has the right to come forth and experience the world. Each tear you cry, helps others release their own sorrow. It is okay to cry. You don't have to smile when you cry. You don't have to apologize when you cry. Your tears are magic to your soul. Really. I used to feel as you do. A breakdown somewhere in the year 2000 cured me of that. I thought I would never stop crying. But once I did, this amazing stillness, warmth and peace came over me. And now, I notice that happens every time. Its like some unseen presence wraps its warm arms around me and fills me back up after I let loose those tears. So, here's a homework assignment for you. You might laugh and it might be hard but I know you can do it. Every morning when you wake up, stand in front of the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say " I love you. " Every night before bed, do the same thing. Do you know that if you stare at yourself in the mirror long enough and let the judge inside your head have sometime to shut the heck up (giggles), you can see your soul and your soul is filled with beauty and light. It's there Mia. I can see it from here. You will see it too in time. I just know you will. Whatever you feel is okay to feel. Validate your feelings for yourself always and never berate yourself for how you feel. Make a comitment to yourself to try to find something positive to say to yourself every day...even if it doesn't feel real and if you're going through the motions. Imagine the mother of your dreams is standing over your shoulder encouraging you - what would that perfect mother say to you and in what loving words would she say them...imagine that. I swear these little tricks work. I had to trick myself into loving me because I was taught to be invisible, unworthy of love or even basic care at times. I was a burden and an inconvenience. That was wrong. So, my imaginary mother now gives me encouraging words of kindness, kudos for doing things right the strength to say I'm sorry if I honestly do something wrong. It's reparenting and it does work. (((((((((Hugs))))))) > > Thanks Jaie. > > My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but I > also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't allowed > to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very > uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me feel > so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. > > I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard > nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. > > I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, but > yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, > because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. > > I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've made > a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this world I > can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. > > Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I read Thich Nhat Hanh quite a bit over time. He talks about treating our emotions as if they were a baby born of our body that we must take great care with. Imagine this, your tears are a beautiful expression of your emotion and each one has the right to come forth and experience the world. Each tear you cry, helps others release their own sorrow. It is okay to cry. You don't have to smile when you cry. You don't have to apologize when you cry. Your tears are magic to your soul. Really. I used to feel as you do. A breakdown somewhere in the year 2000 cured me of that. I thought I would never stop crying. But once I did, this amazing stillness, warmth and peace came over me. And now, I notice that happens every time. Its like some unseen presence wraps its warm arms around me and fills me back up after I let loose those tears. So, here's a homework assignment for you. You might laugh and it might be hard but I know you can do it. Every morning when you wake up, stand in front of the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say " I love you. " Every night before bed, do the same thing. Do you know that if you stare at yourself in the mirror long enough and let the judge inside your head have sometime to shut the heck up (giggles), you can see your soul and your soul is filled with beauty and light. It's there Mia. I can see it from here. You will see it too in time. I just know you will. Whatever you feel is okay to feel. Validate your feelings for yourself always and never berate yourself for how you feel. Make a comitment to yourself to try to find something positive to say to yourself every day...even if it doesn't feel real and if you're going through the motions. Imagine the mother of your dreams is standing over your shoulder encouraging you - what would that perfect mother say to you and in what loving words would she say them...imagine that. I swear these little tricks work. I had to trick myself into loving me because I was taught to be invisible, unworthy of love or even basic care at times. I was a burden and an inconvenience. That was wrong. So, my imaginary mother now gives me encouraging words of kindness, kudos for doing things right the strength to say I'm sorry if I honestly do something wrong. It's reparenting and it does work. (((((((((Hugs))))))) > > Thanks Jaie. > > My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but I > also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't allowed > to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very > uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me feel > so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. > > I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard > nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. > > I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, but > yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, > because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. > > I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've made > a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this world I > can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. > > Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I read Thich Nhat Hanh quite a bit over time. He talks about treating our emotions as if they were a baby born of our body that we must take great care with. Imagine this, your tears are a beautiful expression of your emotion and each one has the right to come forth and experience the world. Each tear you cry, helps others release their own sorrow. It is okay to cry. You don't have to smile when you cry. You don't have to apologize when you cry. Your tears are magic to your soul. Really. I used to feel as you do. A breakdown somewhere in the year 2000 cured me of that. I thought I would never stop crying. But once I did, this amazing stillness, warmth and peace came over me. And now, I notice that happens every time. Its like some unseen presence wraps its warm arms around me and fills me back up after I let loose those tears. So, here's a homework assignment for you. You might laugh and it might be hard but I know you can do it. Every morning when you wake up, stand in front of the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say " I love you. " Every night before bed, do the same thing. Do you know that if you stare at yourself in the mirror long enough and let the judge inside your head have sometime to shut the heck up (giggles), you can see your soul and your soul is filled with beauty and light. It's there Mia. I can see it from here. You will see it too in time. I just know you will. Whatever you feel is okay to feel. Validate your feelings for yourself always and never berate yourself for how you feel. Make a comitment to yourself to try to find something positive to say to yourself every day...even if it doesn't feel real and if you're going through the motions. Imagine the mother of your dreams is standing over your shoulder encouraging you - what would that perfect mother say to you and in what loving words would she say them...imagine that. I swear these little tricks work. I had to trick myself into loving me because I was taught to be invisible, unworthy of love or even basic care at times. I was a burden and an inconvenience. That was wrong. So, my imaginary mother now gives me encouraging words of kindness, kudos for doing things right the strength to say I'm sorry if I honestly do something wrong. It's reparenting and it does work. (((((((((Hugs))))))) > > Thanks Jaie. > > My T has told me before that she thinks I cry as a release. I agree, but I > also hate hate hate it. It was another one of those things I wasn't allowed > to do as a kid and would result in violence from nada. I still feel very > uncomfortable crying, especially around other people. God it makes me feel > so much worse and it's like a cycle... the worse I feel the harder I cry. > > I also cry when I'm angry. That's my anger response. No matter how hard > nada tried to beat it out of me, I couldn't stop it. I still can't. > > I hardly ever bother with makeup because I hate to look in the mirror, but > yes it does oddly make me feel somewhat better about myself. But again, > because I can't stand to even look at myself it's very hard. > > I just keep on dwelling on the damn past & things I can't change. I've made > a lot of changes with me... I'm very aware that the only one in this world I > can change is me, but I'm so tired. So so tired. > > Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be someone else. > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I agree. I can hear the " whats wrong with you? " " you shouldn't be doing that " voice. Take care of yourself. > >Thanks GS & Kay. > > > >I have a call in to my T. I think she may have been out of > >town this week, > >not sure. I can start driving again next week as long as I > >don't need pain > >meds, which is fine... before surgery I wouldn't dare drive if > >I did take > >them. Though now I don't think I need them to be > >honest. Motrin's just > >fine. So hopefully she'll call me back and we can set > >something up. I'm > >sure she will, she always has. > > > >I was so exhausted I slept all dang day today. Now I feel > >awful about doing > >that. Stupid vicious circle. > > > >Mia > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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