RE: a litte angry at my therapist

[Guest guest]

The rule of thumb for determining whether or not a therapist is the right fit is

typically three sessions.

Recognizing what's a good fit in therapy and what isn't is complicated by a ton

of stuff including all of the inhibitions, projections, guilt, shame, lack of

self worth that cause one to seek therapy in the first place. We often stay in

bad therapy for the same reasons we stay in bad relationships. So, how does one

know??

Therapy is supposed to be challenging at times, but not necessarily the

therapist. Know what I mean? A good therapist has to sense when it's time to

confront a client in order to help them become aware of unconscious content.

But if used too early in the therapy process, challenging a client's thinking

can also turn into a one-upsmanship game that creates disequilibrium rather than

illumination. And it puts the therapist on a pedastel that serves no one.

So he's a big old smarty - so what? Does that make you feel more assured, more

certain, more confident? Does it help with your confusion? Sounds like it's

more of a distraction.

Also, ask yourself, is this therapy contract geared towards delving into the

deep unconscious and revealing your defenses - or is it supposed to be an

endeavor whereby you are supported in finding the decision that fits your here

and now needs? Are you both clear about the goal of this therapy contract?

Even so, therapy isn't a game of " I know better than you do " it's about a

journey where a therapist realizes that their knowledge is only a framework for

inquiry and does not make them a mind-reader.

I'll see if I can re-reate my favorite decision making model here for you to

consider. In it you write all of the reasons to stay where you are (with him or

in the country, whichever). Then, list the pluses and minuses of not staying.

Stay Pluses Minuses

Go Pluses Minuses

Make sense? This model provides four views instead of the usual two - and it

can flesh out how you really feel pretty quickly.

I use it with crisis counseling because when people are in crisis, their

thinking doesn't work that well. Anxiety interferes with cognitive processes,

restricting the connection with the intuitive which blurs the path ahead.

As an aside, I've been to a lot of therapists over the years and spent too much

time with some who had little to offer. But because I didn't know how to sort

out whether they were good or bad, I did what I do; I stayed.

How would I have known whether to stay or go? I came from a very dysfunctional

family, my relationship to power was skewed, my self esteem was in the toilet,

and didn't trust myself at all. I trusted their education and credentials and

figured they knew far better than I did.

So... try and access your your gut and see if you can hear what it's telling

you. Your best answer is there, somewhere, but it sounds like your should's and

ought's are getting in the way of recognizing and honoring it. Finally, having

a supporter who sounds glib doesn't seem like it's helping you find your truth,

which is the only right answer in this.

Best wishes,

Sandarah

>

> I am seeing a new therapist and yes, I know it takes time to build a

relationship but in 3 sessions, I am still uncertain abiut him.

> This is probably one of the most challenging times as I am really trying to

decide between two places: living in one country or another and with a 6 month

old baby. I am a single mom. In one country my baby will have maternal family

near.In the other, paternal family near.

> In one I would feel happier than the other and too bad it is not where my

family is.

> So I am sure you can understand the struggle.

> I did decide to move near family while being on an unpaid leave in the United

States as I thought I was covering my B*** in case things didnt work out abroad.

> Here where I am now, I went to interviews and I am applying to positions that

are opening in Feb.

> I think I am being a responsible parent by looking for jobs, see how much they

pay and then decide where I want to stay.

> Well..according to my therapist I am being a teeanger who depends on external

factors (job) to decide.

> Really???

> I am not saying he is wrong...I just want to say that I am uncertain

>

> any thoughts on this?

> any thoughts on what to consider before making up my mind?

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

The rule of thumb for determining whether or not a therapist is the right fit is

typically three sessions.

Recognizing what's a good fit in therapy and what isn't is complicated by a ton

of stuff including all of the inhibitions, projections, guilt, shame, lack of

self worth that cause one to seek therapy in the first place. We often stay in

bad therapy for the same reasons we stay in bad relationships. So, how does one

know??

Therapy is supposed to be challenging at times, but not necessarily the

therapist. Know what I mean? A good therapist has to sense when it's time to

confront a client in order to help them become aware of unconscious content.

But if used too early in the therapy process, challenging a client's thinking

can also turn into a one-upsmanship game that creates disequilibrium rather than

illumination. And it puts the therapist on a pedastel that serves no one.

So he's a big old smarty - so what? Does that make you feel more assured, more

certain, more confident? Does it help with your confusion? Sounds like it's

more of a distraction.

Also, ask yourself, is this therapy contract geared towards delving into the

deep unconscious and revealing your defenses - or is it supposed to be an

endeavor whereby you are supported in finding the decision that fits your here

and now needs? Are you both clear about the goal of this therapy contract?

Even so, therapy isn't a game of " I know better than you do " it's about a

journey where a therapist realizes that their knowledge is only a framework for

inquiry and does not make them a mind-reader.

I'll see if I can re-reate my favorite decision making model here for you to

consider. In it you write all of the reasons to stay where you are (with him or

in the country, whichever). Then, list the pluses and minuses of not staying.

Stay Pluses Minuses

Go Pluses Minuses

Make sense? This model provides four views instead of the usual two - and it

can flesh out how you really feel pretty quickly.

I use it with crisis counseling because when people are in crisis, their

thinking doesn't work that well. Anxiety interferes with cognitive processes,

restricting the connection with the intuitive which blurs the path ahead.

As an aside, I've been to a lot of therapists over the years and spent too much

time with some who had little to offer. But because I didn't know how to sort

out whether they were good or bad, I did what I do; I stayed.

How would I have known whether to stay or go? I came from a very dysfunctional

family, my relationship to power was skewed, my self esteem was in the toilet,

and didn't trust myself at all. I trusted their education and credentials and

figured they knew far better than I did.

So... try and access your your gut and see if you can hear what it's telling

you. Your best answer is there, somewhere, but it sounds like your should's and

ought's are getting in the way of recognizing and honoring it. Finally, having

a supporter who sounds glib doesn't seem like it's helping you find your truth,

which is the only right answer in this.

Best wishes,

Sandarah

>

> I am seeing a new therapist and yes, I know it takes time to build a

relationship but in 3 sessions, I am still uncertain abiut him.

> This is probably one of the most challenging times as I am really trying to

decide between two places: living in one country or another and with a 6 month

old baby. I am a single mom. In one country my baby will have maternal family

near.In the other, paternal family near.

> In one I would feel happier than the other and too bad it is not where my

family is.

> So I am sure you can understand the struggle.

> I did decide to move near family while being on an unpaid leave in the United

States as I thought I was covering my B*** in case things didnt work out abroad.

> Here where I am now, I went to interviews and I am applying to positions that

are opening in Feb.

> I think I am being a responsible parent by looking for jobs, see how much they

pay and then decide where I want to stay.

> Well..according to my therapist I am being a teeanger who depends on external

factors (job) to decide.

> Really???

> I am not saying he is wrong...I just want to say that I am uncertain

>

> any thoughts on this?

> any thoughts on what to consider before making up my mind?

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

> Well..according to my therapist I am being a teeanger who depends on

external factors (job) to decide.

I'm not there, so it's hard to comment, but it sounds as though he

is placing his own limiting beliefs on you.

As with IE, take heed of your own wisdom. Yes, of course you are

taking into account external factors -- if you cannot get a job, you

cannot provide for your baby! To me, that's not teenager-ish; that's

common sense.

Paddy

[Guest guest]

> Well..according to my therapist I am being a teeanger who depends on

external factors (job) to decide.

I'm not there, so it's hard to comment, but it sounds as though he

is placing his own limiting beliefs on you.

As with IE, take heed of your own wisdom. Yes, of course you are

taking into account external factors -- if you cannot get a job, you

cannot provide for your baby! To me, that's not teenager-ish; that's

common sense.

Paddy

[Guest guest]

I say, stick with your own intuition. You will know what's best for you and

your child. That might be Where a good job is or.it might be where you have

family support. But do what's right for you and not others. You'll figure it

out.

Best of luck.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

--- Original Message ---

Sent: January 1, 2012 1/1/12

To: IntuitiveEating_Support

Subject: a litte angry at my therapist

 

I am seeing a new therapist and yes, I know it takes time to build a

relationship but in 3 sessions, I am still uncertain abiut him.

This is probably one of the most challenging times as I am really trying to

decide between two places: living in one country or another and with a 6 month

old baby. I am a single mom. In one country my baby will have maternal family

near.In the other, paternal family near.

In one I would feel happier than the other and too bad it is not where my family

is.

So I am sure you can understand the struggle.

I did decide to move near family while being on an unpaid leave in the United

States as I thought I was covering my B*** in case things didnt work out abroad.

Here where I am now, I went to interviews and I am applying to positions that

are opening in Feb.

I think I am being a responsible parent by looking for jobs, see how much they

pay and then decide where I want to stay.

Well..according to my therapist I am being a teeanger who depends on external

factors (job) to decide.

Really???

I am not saying he is wrong...I just want to say that I am uncertain

any thoughts on this?

any thoughts on what to consider before making up my mind?

Thanks