Re: Unresolved Anger -- I'm a feeder fish!

[Guest guest]

" I'm sure to feel like I have to do something to reward her when she

does--another opportunity for taking on guilt. "

No ma'am, you don't have to open the e-mail, card, package or whatever she

sends. You can put it somewhere til later, you can delete it, chuck it, do

whatever you want. You're the boss, now.

XOXO, Girlscout

>

>

> I'm 4 months since figuring out mom is bpd. I have a birthday this week so

> I really sympathize with Sara--my LC BPD mom will be acknowledging the day

> somehow, and I'm sure to feel like I have to do something to reward her when

> she does--another opportunity for taking on guilt.

>

> While I can finally understand just where/why she is such a manipulating,

> lying, dysfunctional human being, I am starting to look at my entire life in

> a new light. As I relive these painful situations, I realize how much they

> influenced my inevitable choices in life. Inasmuch as I am able to let go

> the guilt of never finishing college, I can see now the seeds of my limited

> successes in life were sown by her social anxieties (aren't FLEAS

> wonderful?).

>

> Every time I had to reject something I really wanted (athletics, band,

> academic challenges/clubs) because of her manipulating me (or because I knew

> at age 10 she couldn't deal with anything--even sitting with other parents),

> the coup de grace was having to explain to family, friends teachers and

> coaches that I just 'chose' to quit.

>

> As for my direct relationship with her, most of the time I have enjoyed

> golden child status--the one who emotionally supported her, talked her down,

> directed her from the brink more times than I can count. But then inevitably

> she gets POd and pulls the cold shoulder or maniac witch.

>

> But since finding out about BPD, I just can't tune out to her crazy BS

> anymore. I feel like my whole life I have been used like a feeder fish for

> her. Whatever my dreams were, they ended at age 10. That's when I

> subconsciously started to understand that I didn't count.

>

> Is it any wonder everything I do is lacking perfection, while I'm fraught

> with anxiety every time I need to accomplish something different? Then I

> procrastinate, feel guilty, etc.

>

> Before finding BPD, I considered myself pretty healthy. Now that I know how

> much I wasted my opportunities by filling her emotional pit, I just feel

> defeated. Used up. Without purpose. I am tired of avoiding relatives in a

> way to cover up the shame of her dysfunctions.

>

> I hate her: it's a cold, broken emotion. Nearing 50, I don't have any more

> time to spare in MY LIFE to give to her. I have no more tolerance. I don't

> want to argue, I just want her to go away. Or die. No more guilt or

> obligation, accusations, cold shoulders. I'm done.

>

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