Re: Considering going NC- needing input, thoughts (2)

[Guest guest]

Dear Blair, And I forgot to mention the projection! From your detailed

narrative I see that you are still trying to make sense of nada's words to you

as if they are being spoken in our language. They are not--your nada is

speaking 'Cluster B'. Every description she makes of you, every negative

characterization, is actually her describing her *own* pathology. On some level

your nada understands what she is doing, but cannot attirbute it to herself

because that would make her 'bad' and it would overload her--she sees it as a

life-threatening situation. Now that you are learning about bpd and npd, nada

senses a threat, and so she is all the more desperate to project any of her

negative behaviours and traits onto you. Projecting things about themselves

that they are afraid of is perhaps THE central trait of cluster B behaviour.

(All that 'avoiding abandonment' stuff is not so accurate as the experts think,

in my opinion.)

I know that it might be a bit of a foreign concept, or seem disrespectful, to

stop taking your nada's communications 'seriously'. But that is just what a KO

has to do. Nadas do not use language like non-Cluster Bs. They have goals of

communication, surely, but they are Cluster B goals. Nada's goals in accusing

you of not cooperating in the relationship involve projecting her OWN lack of

cooperation, and also coercing you, by force/manipulation, to keep all attention

on her, and to do what she says. Nadas don't act as if anyone will ever be

willing to be near them voluntarily--they force contact with them through fear,

obligation and guilt. (The classic 'FOG' we talk about). By the way, I'm

talking about high functioning nadas, here. I am not familiar with the

low-functioning ones.

If you view all of nada's words through the lenses of what is she trying to

project onto you that she's afraid of in herself, or what is she trying to force

you to do through FOG, I think that her communications will make more sense. It

will also free you from the frustration of trying to participate in a give and

take interchange that doesn't exist. One of BPDs' *very* favorite past-times is

to talk Cluster B, and be answered in empathy-language. It's especially fun for

them with 'captive' strangers such as hairdressers, priests over for dinner,

etc.

Good luck!

Charlie

> > >

> > > Run.

> > >

> > > YOUR family is important. Your mother only wants to control you, control

your life and your kids life.

> > >

> > > Too bad you didn't live further away, you may end up getting stalked.

> > >

> > > You don't deserve that shit, no one does. You wouldn't put up with it from

someone that didn't give birth to you right? If a stranger came up to you and

started talking to you like that? What would you do?

> > >

> > > So what gives *her* special rights to abuse you and your family like that?

Because you had the misfortune to emerge from HER uterus? I don't think so.

> > >

> > > Cut off ties and don't look back. Document everything that happened to

you, and will happen. That way if CPS is contacted they have the whole picture,

on paper. Have the foresight to think that she will contact the CPS. Your eldest

won't put up with her right? So, right there the kid and your husband can back

you up.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>