Re: Bad thing... the battle cry...long reply...

[Guest guest]

I don't see what I say so much as wisdom, as insights born of a desperate search

for truth. Writing here is a process of striving to find my truth and hopefully

what I share helps others as well. I want to get this.

For years and years I anguished about not being able to " get " a diet right. I

prayed and prayed and prayed to find the right diet, to be able to follow a

diet, to restrict my food intake and to lose weight. Funny thing about prayers,

sometimes you just don't recognize the answer. For some people diets work, for

me they only worked for a while; then it all went sour and I spun into the

diet/binge cycle.

Something very fundamental about me is the deep-down belief that what I do and

don't do this lifetime will follow me, for good or for ill. And at some point

in time, I started to realize that if I didn't get this food/weight thing

figured out, it was going to come back to haunt me in a major way. I could just

see me laying the path, brick-by-brick to a big old karmic snafu.

As a result of just these few months of IE, I've come to understand how vapid

dieting kept me and how shallow my values have been for most of my life due to

this preoccupation with food and my appearance. I also understand that the

stage was set for becoming an overeater in childhood, but that's no excuse for

remaining one forever. So, I plug away at getting the IE process and putting my

life-long desire to be thin enough behind me.

Most recently I've been wondering, " What's wrong with eating candy? " My dad ate

candy every day of his life, and lots of it. He lived to be 100. He never had

diabetes, he didn't have heart disease and he was never fat. He just liked and

ate candy. So did his mom. She was tall, a big-boned Swede; I have her body

type. My mom restricted sweets and dumped a ton of shame around eating them, so

they've been a high shame food for me for years. And I've decided to take that

on; the shame around sweets and to make peace with them.

Today at lunch time I was hungry for chocolate but didn't want just chocolate, I

wanted something with a crunch to it. For the first time I went out to buy

something sweet, not in a frenzy due to battling with the diet rebel, but

because I had determined to do so. I wasn't shopping for it in a cloud shame

for the first time ever, I was choosing something I'd decided was all right for

me to eat. I settled on Almond Roca and some Almond Joy bars.

I also had determined that I wanted pizza for lunch and ordered a small

gluten-free pizza and brought it home with me. Normally I would have fought

myself about the pizza, but this time I didn't. I ate about one half of it,

with the cat taking his share out of that half. I ate about half of the Almond

Roca and one piece of Almond Joy. I was somewhat past full but not stuffed; and

in fact not really uncomfortable at all. A bit later I watched a movie and took

a nap.

In the past when I've eaten like that and then napped I would wake up reeling in

negativity, knowing that I was a hopeless food addict, hungover and that I was

bad, bad, bad. Here's the news - when I woke up from my nap, I was not consumed

with self-loathing, I was not groggy, I was not dripping in guilt and I did not

have a food hangover. I am not broken around food. 99% of my food addiction and

my hopeless food compulsion has been a gigantic head trip.

So - wisdom? No, I'm just pouring through my process to make sure I'm not lying

to myself again like I have so many times in the past. Or, rather to catch the

lies and illusions, one day at a time.

Sandarah

[Guest guest]

Sandarah I say you are posting wisdom - of the best kind - your own insights of

your own healing process. I know I benefit from this because what you say rings

a cord in me too. Not exactly, in fact one or two things are quite opposite - my

own lack of vanity tends to be a drag on my motivation (for IE) at times.

Your processing will be the success for your IE which many of us - myself

included - tend to put to the finale of our journey.

BRAVO for you - Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I don't see what I say so much as wisdom, as insights born of a desperate

search for truth. Writing here is a process of striving to find my truth and

hopefully what I share helps others as well. I want to get this.

>

> For years and years I anguished about not being able to " get " a diet right. I

prayed and prayed and prayed to find the right diet, to be able to follow a

diet, to restrict my food intake and to lose weight. Funny thing about prayers,

sometimes you just don't recognize the answer. For some people diets work, for

me they only worked for a while; then it all went sour and I spun into the

diet/binge cycle.

>

> Something very fundamental about me is the deep-down belief that what I do and

don't do this lifetime will follow me, for good or for ill. And at some point

in time, I started to realize that if I didn't get this food/weight thing

figured out, it was going to come back to haunt me in a major way. I could just

see me laying the path, brick-by-brick to a big old karmic snafu.

>

> As a result of just these few months of IE, I've come to understand how vapid

dieting kept me and how shallow my values have been for most of my life due to

this preoccupation with food and my appearance. I also understand that the

stage was set for becoming an overeater in childhood, but that's no excuse for

remaining one forever. So, I plug away at getting the IE process and putting my

life-long desire to be thin enough behind me.

>

> Most recently I've been wondering, " What's wrong with eating candy? " My dad

ate candy every day of his life, and lots of it. He lived to be 100. He never

had diabetes, he didn't have heart disease and he was never fat. He just liked

and ate candy. So did his mom. She was tall, a big-boned Swede; I have her

body type. My mom restricted sweets and dumped a ton of shame around eating

them, so they've been a high shame food for me for years. And I've decided to

take that on; the shame around sweets and to make peace with them.

>

> Today at lunch time I was hungry for chocolate but didn't want just chocolate,

I wanted something with a crunch to it. For the first time I went out to buy

something sweet, not in a frenzy due to battling with the diet rebel, but

because I had determined to do so. I wasn't shopping for it in a cloud shame

for the first time ever, I was choosing something I'd decided was all right for

me to eat. I settled on Almond Roca and some Almond Joy bars.

>

> I also had determined that I wanted pizza for lunch and ordered a small

gluten-free pizza and brought it home with me. Normally I would have fought

myself about the pizza, but this time I didn't. I ate about one half of it,

with the cat taking his share out of that half. I ate about half of the Almond

Roca and one piece of Almond Joy. I was somewhat past full but not stuffed; and

in fact not really uncomfortable at all. A bit later I watched a movie and took

a nap.

>

> In the past when I've eaten like that and then napped I would wake up reeling

in negativity, knowing that I was a hopeless food addict, hungover and that I

was bad, bad, bad. Here's the news - when I woke up from my nap, I was not

consumed with self-loathing, I was not groggy, I was not dripping in guilt and I

did not have a food hangover. I am not broken around food. 99% of my food

addiction and my hopeless food compulsion has been a gigantic head trip.

>

> So - wisdom? No, I'm just pouring through my process to make sure I'm not

lying to myself again like I have so many times in the past. Or, rather to

catch the lies and illusions, one day at a time.

>

> Sandarah

>

[Guest guest]

Sandarah I say you are posting wisdom - of the best kind - your own insights of

your own healing process. I know I benefit from this because what you say rings

a cord in me too. Not exactly, in fact one or two things are quite opposite - my

own lack of vanity tends to be a drag on my motivation (for IE) at times.

Your processing will be the success for your IE which many of us - myself

included - tend to put to the finale of our journey.

BRAVO for you - Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I don't see what I say so much as wisdom, as insights born of a desperate

search for truth. Writing here is a process of striving to find my truth and

hopefully what I share helps others as well. I want to get this.

>

> For years and years I anguished about not being able to " get " a diet right. I

prayed and prayed and prayed to find the right diet, to be able to follow a

diet, to restrict my food intake and to lose weight. Funny thing about prayers,

sometimes you just don't recognize the answer. For some people diets work, for

me they only worked for a while; then it all went sour and I spun into the

diet/binge cycle.

>

> Something very fundamental about me is the deep-down belief that what I do and

don't do this lifetime will follow me, for good or for ill. And at some point

in time, I started to realize that if I didn't get this food/weight thing

figured out, it was going to come back to haunt me in a major way. I could just

see me laying the path, brick-by-brick to a big old karmic snafu.

>

> As a result of just these few months of IE, I've come to understand how vapid

dieting kept me and how shallow my values have been for most of my life due to

this preoccupation with food and my appearance. I also understand that the

stage was set for becoming an overeater in childhood, but that's no excuse for

remaining one forever. So, I plug away at getting the IE process and putting my

life-long desire to be thin enough behind me.

>

> Most recently I've been wondering, " What's wrong with eating candy? " My dad

ate candy every day of his life, and lots of it. He lived to be 100. He never

had diabetes, he didn't have heart disease and he was never fat. He just liked

and ate candy. So did his mom. She was tall, a big-boned Swede; I have her

body type. My mom restricted sweets and dumped a ton of shame around eating

them, so they've been a high shame food for me for years. And I've decided to

take that on; the shame around sweets and to make peace with them.

>

> Today at lunch time I was hungry for chocolate but didn't want just chocolate,

I wanted something with a crunch to it. For the first time I went out to buy

something sweet, not in a frenzy due to battling with the diet rebel, but

because I had determined to do so. I wasn't shopping for it in a cloud shame

for the first time ever, I was choosing something I'd decided was all right for

me to eat. I settled on Almond Roca and some Almond Joy bars.

>

> I also had determined that I wanted pizza for lunch and ordered a small

gluten-free pizza and brought it home with me. Normally I would have fought

myself about the pizza, but this time I didn't. I ate about one half of it,

with the cat taking his share out of that half. I ate about half of the Almond

Roca and one piece of Almond Joy. I was somewhat past full but not stuffed; and

in fact not really uncomfortable at all. A bit later I watched a movie and took

a nap.

>

> In the past when I've eaten like that and then napped I would wake up reeling

in negativity, knowing that I was a hopeless food addict, hungover and that I

was bad, bad, bad. Here's the news - when I woke up from my nap, I was not

consumed with self-loathing, I was not groggy, I was not dripping in guilt and I

did not have a food hangover. I am not broken around food. 99% of my food

addiction and my hopeless food compulsion has been a gigantic head trip.

>

> So - wisdom? No, I'm just pouring through my process to make sure I'm not

lying to myself again like I have so many times in the past. Or, rather to

catch the lies and illusions, one day at a time.

>

> Sandarah

>