Bad Attitude Day

[Guest guest]

I went out because I was going to take care of myself by buying some decent

clothes and getting my hair cut. I have been wearing a short-length raincoat in

30 degree weather because I don't want to buy a bigger coat, even standing

outside in it for half an hour on the playground with an icy wind blowing

across. I have an adorable winter coat that I bought after I lost weight that I

can't now wear. I was going to get a top to wear dancing with my friend tonight.

I found some clothes that were cute enough, but looked horrendous when I tried

them on. I know I am supposed to " love " my body, I am trying to listen to that,

BUT I DONT. I HATE IT. I DESPISE IT. I LOATHE IT. When I looked in the mirror I

felt like screaming. I left all the clothes in the fitting room, grabbed a " big "

coat off the rack, paid for it, slammed it into the back seat, where it still

is. I don't want to bring it in from the car. When my friend called, I was

bordering on hysterical. She, who has no food issues, totally did not know why I

was upset. To look like this and go into a meat market kind of place is too

much, too embarrassing, too humiliating. I told her I wasn't going. I just want

to get the pillows all suctioned out. That is not me.

This is why I haven't gone back to the gym. After losing 40 pounds there and

gaining most of it back, it is embarrassing and humiliating to walk back in

there. Most of the people there are extremely fit. I worked so hard. When I put

those clothes back on, I am back in the midst of all that work. It was for

nothing, and I feel too discouraged to start it up again, like why bother.

Plus yet another relative has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This means I

have to give dead-serious consideration to prophylactic mastectomies, which I

spent the night last night researching. I have spent much of my life waiting for

that ball to drop. In addition to other risk factors, being overweight pushes up

my risk.

So instead of going out to live my life, I am screaming into the dark under a

blanket, literally, because I am too ashamed to be seen. Why can't I let go of

the weight? I'm not asking to have an emaciated lollipop body, just to be even

close to a normal weight for me.