Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I think that sounds like a good idea, but that's just my 2 cents. Mia > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my > husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their > strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we > were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our > own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give > the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in > their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, > trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would > keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do > you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be > much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I think that sounds like a good idea, but that's just my 2 cents. Mia > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my > husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their > strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we > were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our > own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give > the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in > their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, > trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would > keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do > you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be > much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I think that sounds like a good idea, but that's just my 2 cents. Mia > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my > husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their > strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we > were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our > own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give > the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in > their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, > trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would > keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do > you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be > much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 My advice is to tear the checks up with no explanation. If you accept the money by cashing the check, even if you give it to charity, you have " taken " their money and they'll still be able to label you as " helpless mooches " (even if its not true; all they'll base it on is that you cashed their check.) All gifts from my nada had always come with strings attached, and I stopped accepting gifts of any kind from her several years back because of that. Then, the final straw was learning that my nada stated that I and my Sister only ever came to see her because " we wanted something from her (meaning, money) " . For me, that was " all she wrote " and I went No Contact. You'll have to figure out what will work for you, but that's what I'd do. Your parents will neither understand nor accept any explanation you give them, so just pretend the checks don't exist. Destroy them. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 My advice is to tear the checks up with no explanation. If you accept the money by cashing the check, even if you give it to charity, you have " taken " their money and they'll still be able to label you as " helpless mooches " (even if its not true; all they'll base it on is that you cashed their check.) All gifts from my nada had always come with strings attached, and I stopped accepting gifts of any kind from her several years back because of that. Then, the final straw was learning that my nada stated that I and my Sister only ever came to see her because " we wanted something from her (meaning, money) " . For me, that was " all she wrote " and I went No Contact. You'll have to figure out what will work for you, but that's what I'd do. Your parents will neither understand nor accept any explanation you give them, so just pretend the checks don't exist. Destroy them. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 My advice is to tear the checks up with no explanation. If you accept the money by cashing the check, even if you give it to charity, you have " taken " their money and they'll still be able to label you as " helpless mooches " (even if its not true; all they'll base it on is that you cashed their check.) All gifts from my nada had always come with strings attached, and I stopped accepting gifts of any kind from her several years back because of that. Then, the final straw was learning that my nada stated that I and my Sister only ever came to see her because " we wanted something from her (meaning, money) " . For me, that was " all she wrote " and I went No Contact. You'll have to figure out what will work for you, but that's what I'd do. Your parents will neither understand nor accept any explanation you give them, so just pretend the checks don't exist. Destroy them. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 There is another part to this story that I left out— While I was NC '06-'09, my nada/fada gave HUGE checks to my sibling. (My sibling was very open about telling me this.) My parents did this, hoping to create drama/rivalry, but I didn't take the bait. During my NC years, they also " adopted " a son (my replacement)— he also got plenty of their $$$. Again I did not react. It's better to be FREE. Generally I'm so much happier now, but I sometimes DO feel angry about all this. My sibling never says " no " to their money. She feels that they owe her for all the pain they've inflicted in the past. Anyway, ripping up checks is a clear boundary...I get that— but my parents have been acting more or less " normal " for a year & a half. It makes it difficult for me to be crazily vindictive. A charitable donation may beat them at their own game. They're extremely clannish but want to be seen as open & generous. They'll be really annoyed, but won't be able to express it. And I like giving to charity when I can. Still they ARE eroding my boundaries & that sucks. I hate this endless wrangling. Thanks for the comments so far!! > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 There is another part to this story that I left out— While I was NC '06-'09, my nada/fada gave HUGE checks to my sibling. (My sibling was very open about telling me this.) My parents did this, hoping to create drama/rivalry, but I didn't take the bait. During my NC years, they also " adopted " a son (my replacement)— he also got plenty of their $$$. Again I did not react. It's better to be FREE. Generally I'm so much happier now, but I sometimes DO feel angry about all this. My sibling never says " no " to their money. She feels that they owe her for all the pain they've inflicted in the past. Anyway, ripping up checks is a clear boundary...I get that— but my parents have been acting more or less " normal " for a year & a half. It makes it difficult for me to be crazily vindictive. A charitable donation may beat them at their own game. They're extremely clannish but want to be seen as open & generous. They'll be really annoyed, but won't be able to express it. And I like giving to charity when I can. Still they ARE eroding my boundaries & that sucks. I hate this endless wrangling. Thanks for the comments so far!! > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 There is another part to this story that I left out— While I was NC '06-'09, my nada/fada gave HUGE checks to my sibling. (My sibling was very open about telling me this.) My parents did this, hoping to create drama/rivalry, but I didn't take the bait. During my NC years, they also " adopted " a son (my replacement)— he also got plenty of their $$$. Again I did not react. It's better to be FREE. Generally I'm so much happier now, but I sometimes DO feel angry about all this. My sibling never says " no " to their money. She feels that they owe her for all the pain they've inflicted in the past. Anyway, ripping up checks is a clear boundary...I get that— but my parents have been acting more or less " normal " for a year & a half. It makes it difficult for me to be crazily vindictive. A charitable donation may beat them at their own game. They're extremely clannish but want to be seen as open & generous. They'll be really annoyed, but won't be able to express it. And I like giving to charity when I can. Still they ARE eroding my boundaries & that sucks. I hate this endless wrangling. Thanks for the comments so far!! > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 my two cents - I agree that this could twist into " look what a jerk [you] are because you wouldn't accept the money, can't you let things go... " if you do give it to charity I would suggest that you make the donations in their names specifically, that might help...then have the charity send them a letter (most will do this naturally) informing them of the donation. That way you don't necessarily have to address them about the money, or you can follow up saying that while you appreciate their generosity there are many people/causes out their who aren't able to care for themselves the way that you are and they would be helped grately by their (your parents') generosity. If this turns into a fight you can always state how you are independent and not a " charity project " so you gave the money to real charities... Just my thoughts, > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I might donate the money to a specific person who was badly injured & needs to pay off astronomical medical bills. Then the money can't be officially designated in my parent's name, but there's also no junk mail to consider. (Isn't crazy how much work these people are??? It's exhausting. NC was so much easier.) > > One other thing to consider with charities... > > Sometimes they sell the names & contact information of people who have > donated.... so your parents could end up getting a lot of requests to donate > to charity. > > This could cause problems too. For you, I mean... if they start blaming you > for getting 'junk mail' from other charities. I don't know. > > my ex MIL used to donate to a few charities regularly, and they did end up > selling her info and she would get phone calls & things in mail from other > charities asking for money. > > Just a little something I thought of while reading this today that I thought > I should mention. I am not trying to dissuade you from doing it, but you > might want to check with them to find out if they sell their information or > not. Or, you might not care LOL... I can kind of get a sense of KO > vindication on that issue too, but I also get a sense of mild fear thinking > it could bring about more issues with " the 'rents " (as Annie says). > > Mia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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