Re: Re: I hate feeling like this, I question everything.

January 23, 2011

Thanks . Thing is, the thought of being a nurse freaks me out too.

Seriously. But still not as bad as being an art major. I keep thinking,

" What am I doing? Putting peoples' lives in my hands?! " I know some of that

(ok lots) is fleas... when I had originally applied for the nursing program

back home, I was still living with nada. She looked at me and scoffed,

" YOU, a NURSE?! I wouldn't put MY life in YOUR hands " . I am having a HARD

time shaking off that flea.

Right now I am a 4.0 student... I'm ok with dropping my GPA if I get a

really hard class or something, but I do want to do my best. I take it VERY

seriously... I feel like the more I can learn now, the less likely I'll be

to kill someone in the future. If that happens, may as well just lock me up

& throw away the damn key. I'm not sure I could live with myself.

That's what scares me. It's a huge responsibility. I just want to slink

away & hide.

I hope you will go back to school if you want, . Do it. LIfe is

short.

Mia

>

January 24, 2011

(((( Jaie ))))

Thanks much. I'm starting to pull out of this funk... I always do. I think

part of it is in fact a mourning process. I am realizing there is a lot of

things in life I never really mourned, and it's catching up to me. One of

those things is of course having a nada instead of a mother. Another one,

which I find a bit odd, is my divorce. I do NOT regret my divorce, but

everything happened so quickly, I never really did mourn the end of a 9 year

marriage. That mourning is much easier for me though than the process of

mourning for a nada who still lives & breathes. I would guess others here

could relate, for sure.

I know art is never out of the question and I know I can still do art

without a degree, but I so very much want to learn more about it... about

different techniques and even art history. I love love love that stuff. I

know I do have some talent, but I still feel very timid with it. I wish I

could just get beyond that and hone it in and fine tune it. However, I also

know that all artists - no matter how famous or wonderful they are - have

bad days & have made some truly crappy art lol. No one is perfect.

I need to keep doing those affirmations, grrrr... they are so damned

difficult for me. I am still plagued by the fleas of not being worthy

enough for it =(

As an aside, how are you doing? Did I really read that you walked to the

store the other day, lady?! Wow, you're my post-op hero hehe. I hope you

didn't over do it and were feeling ok after that. I was thinking about you

last night, hoping you're doing well. I'm breaking out the Wii Fit today

and by god, I'm going to use it and get moving. I mean, I have been moving

& stuff, but my pain is really not bad at all so it's time to get moving

even more! I'm sure it will only help with the remaining pain/soreness &

the puffy bloating... sheesh, talk about swelly belly lol. I'd like to be

able to fit back into my jeans soon. Before surgery, they were about 2

sizes too big, good grief... now they FIT. *facepalm*. So time to get into

a new routine & do what I can to be healthy... in every aspect.

We talked in one of my nursing classes about the 4 aspects of health that

nurses try to incorporate... we look at the physical ailments (body), as

well as the emotional & the emotional impacts of physical ailments

(emotional). We also look at the person's spirtual & social aspects of

health. I really love that.

Thanks again. Mia

>

January 24, 2011

I think you're right Annie. Here I am, a KO who's always been shades of all

black or all white (usually all black) and am fully aware that we are ALL

lovely shades of gray... and I'm just blindly thiking all or nothing with my

career. Somehow it's different, but not really. It applies to more than

people.

Maybe I can mentally digest that. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 24, 2011 at 1:06 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> Keep an open mind about the possibility of doing both: first focus on

> completing your nursing schooling and get a good-paying job in your field,

> AND THEN pursue your artistic interests on the side. I have a regular job

> AND I play a musical instrument and have even gotten some paying gigs, on

> the side. So, sometimes, you can have your cake and eat it too!

>

> It doesn't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing proposition, not

> necessarily just one choice or the other. There can be a happy middle road,

> and shades of gray between the two extremes.

>

> I personally find that it enhances my enjoyment of my creative outlet when

> I'm under the gun at work, then playing music with friends when I have a day

> off (and sometimes even getting paid to do it) is that much sweeter.

>

> -Annie

>

January 24, 2011

lol, thanks Kay. I apprecieate it... the advice & the cheers ;-)

Mia

>

> Mia, I am old enough to be your mom and what you are going through isn't

> just because your mom was BP. My sons had two very involved parents. We paid

> for their educations and supported their every educational choice (even when

> we thought some of their choices were kind of dopey, but we supported them)

> Anyway each of my sons went through or is going through the same feelings

> about their career choices that you are going through. After holding his

> younger brother's hands through their " am I ready for this crisis " my older

> son decided that everyone must go through this and it is part of the

> developmental process. Even with everything he had going for him, he

> graduated from Grad school went into a severe depression and lived at home

> for a year. He is thriving now and ever thinking about going back to school.

> Your feelings are a normal, Even kids with great, supportive parents have

> those feelings. Trust me! I told my kids " I love you unconditionally! I

> support you whole heartedly. You are a wonderful person! You will be a good

> ___________ plug in career choice " and they still had the same doubts you

> had. It would be great if you had a real mom, and it is tough always having

> to mother yourself, but I gave my kids the mom I always wanted and never had

> (she died and left me with FADA) and they still have those same doubts. You

> are not having doubts because you didn't have a cheering section, or because

> you had an unsupportive Nada. You are having normal young person doubts

> because that is what you do before you leave school and realize you are

> going to be a nurse or a teacher or a whatever for a long time.

> Goooooooooo Mia! Sis! Boom! Bah!

> How's that for cheerleading?

> Much Love and Healing!

> Kay

>

January 24, 2011