Post legalization...

[Guest guest]

Don't know how long I spent on this, but I've come out the other side on my

effort to legalize ice cream. I don't know how much I ate over the few weeks

but I ate it whenever I had the urge and didn't overly focus on how much,

sometimes eating past full and sometimes not so much.

Often I knew I wasn't hungry for it, but I had the urge or craving (accompanied

by " oh no " ) and so I ate it. I ate it to make it legal and to give that part of

myself the loud and clear message that nothing is forbidden and that the effects

of my choices were no longer going to be intercepted by nagging, shaming and

self blame.

My intention was to break through the guilt, recrimination and negativity about

my food choices and it seems to have worked. And to let myself enjoy what I

enjoy in hopes of balancing out these warring notions. Imagine that!

Now my body is recovering from eating too much ice cream over too long of a

time. My stomach sort of hurts and is overly acidic - but at least now I can

experience the repercussions of my food choice rather than sit in shame and

feelings of failure.

So, for now, I'm discovering that food isn't a big issue one way or the other.

And on top of that, I'm ok with my image as a chubby woman. I don't look like

someone worthy of disgust, hate, or shunning - I'm just a fairly average looking

person who isn't thin and beautiful.

I don't know where the IE process will go from here. I did gain weight

initially, probably not a lot, it seemed to go away of its own accord - and I'm

sure that I put on a bit during this ice cream project and I'm sure it will come

off too.

On my way home from work tonight I ate some potato salad and some mints that I

picked up at the check out stand of the deli. I ate part of a toasted baquette

and had some licorice tea when I got home - and I realized that it was no big

deal that I didn't have a " perfect " dinner and that I ate in the car.

I was hungry - I have a long drive - and I don't have to meditate and pour over

every meal and every bite like I'm some kind of food guru or saint. It was just

food and I was hungry.

So... I dunno. Just wanted to check in. Haven't written much lately as the

energy of doing IE perfectly has diminished and I'm settling into a new stage of

normalizing my feelings about food and eating. My weight is longer center

stage and the be all end all of my life.

Even if I go no further in this process, this peaceful juncture is a true

miracle from where I've lived for too many years of my life.

I wonder if anyone else had one food in particular that was so difficult to get

past? I swear getting ice cream into some kind of perspective has been like

climbing Mount Everest. Woof. There's really nothing left that has that kind of

power over me. Thankfully.

Sandarah