Settling down a little?

[Guest guest]

For some reason, when I sent this before it came out blank. So I'm

trying again!

Hi, everyone,

I said the other day I was going to post every day, and then yesterday I

found myself hesitating -- I don't know why. Maybe because commitment to

anything is difficult for me. I also couldn't decide what I wanted to say.

But today I realize that there are a couple of things I'd like to talk

about. The first is that I think my binging is settling down a little

bit, with the new feeling that I can eat what I want without guilt (not

that I don't sometimes FEEL guilt, but I'm telling myself that eating

what I want is fine -- I'm not going to deprive myself again. I think

some of it is sinking in). A few days since I started IE I've eaten so

much that I haven't felt well; I have acid reflux and I was eating the

kinds of amounts of food that really aggravated it). I realized that I

can eat as much as I want, but that doesn't mean there won't be

consequences. I found I really didn't want to feel so bad, and the past

couple of days have been more moderate and I've felt better. I think the

desperation to " get it all in " before it disappears (the food) is lessening.

Today, on the way home from the gym, I thought about stopping at a

bakery where I often stop and getting something sweet. I actually didn't

want anything sweet, but for some reason I couldn't give up the idea of

having it. It felt like I was doing it just because I " could. " I

stopped, and ended up not crazy about the thing I got. It didn't seem to

have much flavor. It was interesting to me to observe myself, stopping

and getting the food even though I wasn't in the mood for it, and being

disappointed. I'm hoping one of these days I can go with what my body

wants and not give in to those voices that tell me I need to eat what my

body isn't in the mood for. That goes for both ends of the spectrum --

" healthy " food that I eat only out of a feeling of obligation sometimes,

and " unhealthy " food that I may eat only because the Diet Rebel tells me to.

I'm looking at this process as my body and mind " normalizing " around

food (not meaning by anyone else's standards of " normality, " but

settling to a way of eating that is most natural and healthy for me). I

know this will take a while -- it took my whole adult life to get to

where I am now, and all those tangled-up ways of using food and eating

aren't going to untangle themselves immediately. But in reading the

book, the authors sometimes make it sound as if the person in the

example they're citing got it right away, made changes, lost weight, and

became healthy around food. I know this can't be; I know that if those

people are anything like me, it would have taken a while, with some

bumps and the road and some slipping backward. But I still find it a

little discouraging to read such simplified accounts of the process.

Otherwise, I love the book! I know it's the only thing that will really

work for me.

Thanks for being there!

Sue