Introducing myself

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

My name is , I'm 36 years old, married with three children (9 & 7YO boys,

4YO girl). Here is what brought me here, and I will warn you in advance that I

can be rather long-winded ...

As a child I was always chubbier than my grade school friends and classmates.

Not obese, but chubby enough that I couldn't wear jeans unless they had elastic

in the waist and chubby enough to be made fun of from time-to-time by even the

girl I considered my best friend. I was unhappy about not looking " normal " and

felt like I didn't fit in. These feelings became more painful as I got older

and became interested in boys. Finally, at the age of 14 my mother got tired of

hearing me complain about my weight and let me join Weight Watchers (she was a

lifetime member.) I went from 145 lbs to 120 lbs in about 4 months and received

a lot of attention from my peers for this accomplishment, and got my first

boyfriend. Life was good! What I didn't realize at the time, however, was that

I had just hopped on the weight-loss roller coaster and would continue to ride

it for more than 20 years.

Of course, I gradually regained the weight I lost on that first diet, and thus

completed my first diet-binge-gain cycle. I have repeated this cycle many, many

times since then. Over the years I have used Weight Watchers several times,

done Craig a few times, done a little of this and that, and most recently

utilized a clean eating approach.

I lost 40 lbs in 2009 by following clean eating principles, which basically

involved avoiding processed foods and eating primarily whole foods, combining

protein and complex carbs at every meal, and eating 5-6 small meals throughout

the day, spaced about 2.5-3 hours apart. I also exercised 5-6 days each week

for roughly an hour each session, combining weight training and cardio. During

this time I achieved a number of fitness goals I set for myself, including

running several half marathons, a full marathon, and competing in a triathlon.

I maintained my weight loss using this philosophy for the longest I ever have,

about a year and a half, and felt great on it. It was a very healthy way of

life, and I definitely thought of it as a lifestyle change and not a diet. But

I regained most of the weight I lost in the last half of 2011 when my emotional

demons got the better of me: I saw a picture of myself at my goal weight and I

hated the way I looked in the picture. I spent the summer and fall of 2011

bingeing off and on, struggling to get back the positive mental state I had

lost, and by Nov. had regained 30 lbs.

This was extremely disappointing, I had thought I had the clean eating lifestyle

down and anticipated being able to maintain my weight loss indefinitely. But

even that, it turns out, could be unraveled if I lost my focus. Obviously, my

relationship with food had not been healed, merely controlled.

Earlier this month I spied the book Intuitive Eating on a friend's bookshelf and

borrowed it from her. As I read it, it struck a chord with me. Not for the

first time I considered how much more time I would have in my life - my brain -

for more meaningful, fulfilling things if I was not constantly thinking about

food, planning what I would/should eat, worrying about how I looked, etc., and

putting off true happiness for when I was in my goal range. Many times over the

years I have thought, if only I hadn't gone on that first diet would I

effortlessly be at a healthy weight now?

It is definitely scary starting off into intuitive eating...completely foreign,

uncharted territory. Given that I was chubby even as a child, does this mean

that I should expect to still be chubby even once intuitive eating becomes

natural? That possibility is disturbing to me. However, isn't the definition

of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

By that definition, and given my history, any program started with the primary

goal of losing weight is sure to eventually lead to regain of said weight. Why

would I want to put myself through that again?

If you're still with me, thanks for hanging in there! I look forward to getting

to know the members of this group and drawing encouragement from your

experiences and sharing my own insights as I learn intuitive eating.