What do you think? Doug, Fiona, hermit BPD mothers?

[Guest guest]

I have let go of the mother thing, I think for me. But I keep trying to force my

nada to be a grandmother for my kids. And I keep getting hurt by it. I sent a

link to my nada that had my son in a video for a school project. Several young

adults were interviewed in it. My son was toward the end. My nada finally sat

down and watched the entire video. That was a struggle in and of itself. She

won't even watch an entire ballet video that has my daughter in it. We have to

fast forward it for her. Anyway, she watches it and because my son let his hair

grow out, she calls and says she didn't recognize him. She thought is sounded

like him but he just sounded so mature and intellectual that she didnt think it

was him. This is the only grandparent that they have any contact with and she

last saw him 4 months ago. But she laughs and says she doesn't recognize him. It

hurt because it illustrates the lack of connection and real relationship so

pointedly. So I stew

about it and then the next day call her and tell her that it hurt me. Of

course, I have to get outside validation that it is hurtful. Her first words

were " oh no not again and why can't you just call up and talk about something

normal? " I held firm and stated that it hurt me. She then launched into the " I

can't say anything right and I am sorry. " But it is not sincere. Then she began

to attack me saying that it was just me that took it wrong....but i suggested

that she ask someone else because i did. then she said to stop attacking her and

making her feel bad.....i don't know how many times i need to realize that it

was ALWAYS been about her and how SHE feels. Never ever me. For 48 years it has

beeen this way. She can say whatever she wants. And I have to take it. I watched

my grandnada verbally abuse her this way. Even as a teenager I stood up to my

grandnada for my nada. My nada is a hermit. She won't stand up to strangers when

taken advantage or if

the situation calls for it. It is SO important what total strangers think. So

then the family rule is to take out all the repressed anger on the female child.

She wouldn't think of doing it to my BADA although if he blames her for

something, she has lashed out at him in recent years.

A friend said his grandmother didn't recognize him when he grew a beard but his

grandmother had dementia. Mine doesn't. She just has BPD. Just wanted to vent

and perhaps received some words of wisdom from you guys. Thanks.

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise.