I totally screwed up!!!

[Guest guest]

I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old that

he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little Sam

so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of the

shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left for

an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I just

lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the hospital. He

was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand and sat him in

time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and didn't settle

down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations when he busted

my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their head back when

you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was just holding him

to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and critical of me saying a

bad word, of course.

At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted to

leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to visit

twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so I

realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty, sorry

and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He has

been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay. I

feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and grandparents

(even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told him Santa

isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him through

this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same emotional pain I

have suffered.

I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take. I

guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering it,

having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now. How

to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

Hoping and Praying,

+Coal Miner's Daughter