Nada's New Idea... What to do?

[Guest guest]

Hi again to everyone. This is going to be a very long post. I ask everyone to

bear with me because I need all of the help and advice I can get on this one,

and only this group can really help me.

As I mentioned in my introduction a couple of wks ago, my step father died back

in July, leaving nada entirely alone (for the first time in her life) with a 32

acre mess due to their 20+ yrs of hoarding. Hubby and I live 2 1/2 hrs away

from nada, and this past year, taking care of her has literally sucked our lives

away. Every Saturday though the end of November was spent taking care of nada

and her farm mess with only myself and my husband to do the work.

Being the oldest of 2 kids and the only one left now to take care of nada leaves

me in something of a bind legally, or soon will, when it comes to her care. I

have always known that day would eventually come, still not sure how I will

handle it.

Nada is a real estate broker and understands she desperately needs to move as

soon as possible, but it seems to be taking forever to get the place ready, for

obvious reasons. I know I can't live the next few years like this, nada sucking

up every free moment because she's destitute and living in a place that is

literally falling apart around her, while expecting me and hubby to get there

every time she needs/wants us. Last night during my nightly " nada sitting chat "

online we were discussing again about finding her a new house as soon as

possible, so she began looking through the MLS listings yet again. She sent me

1 listing, and now wants me and hubby to make a life altering decision. This is

what I need help with.

What nada has proposed is a property, not necessarily this one but another

similar to it, near where she lives now (which is over an hour closer for hubby

to work and back every day) that has acreage, 10+ acres... with 2 houses... one

for us and one for nada. She wants us to be " neighbors " on the same property.

She spent 2 hrs pointing out all of the positive aspects of doing such a thing,

which, to an average person would make a whole world of sense. If not for the

BPD situation I would probably already be packing... lol

Nada and I discussed some rules, she agreed it would all be drawn up by a

lawyer, giving hubby and myself all legal rights to " our " house up front, and

the entire property would be given to us in her will. I was adamant that I

would not even consider such a thing if she left one of the houses to my sister.

I have no relationship with my sister, she may also suffer with the BPD, not

sure... but she is an extremely cruel and unpleasant person to be around, so I

simply have a NC relationship with her that has worked for both of us for 20+

yrs. Nada agreed happily, and said she would do it immediately as part of our

legal arrangement when the property was purchased.

Nada is thinking of paying for this entire new property so hubby and I can

eliminate our house payment, and she has discussed splitting taxes with us in a

way that would work for all. The financial end of this would be a huge help and

plus for me and hubby and would allow us to better help our kids as they need it

from time to time. This arrangement also includes allowing me use of the land

and outbuildings for my own fish wholesale business, something I have been doing

small scale for yrs now due to lack of space and finances to expand in any way.

(in this business the only way to make decent money is large scale wholesale)

Nada agreed that this would also be written into the legal documents to avoid

any conflicts that may arise through the rest of her life with us as neighbors.

There were many plus's to considering this arrangement, so I discussed it with

hubby this morning. He also wishes to hear the opinions of the group before we

discuss it again.

Taking care of nada now that she is getting old is something I will have to do

regardless of where I live. This arrangement would make that much easier and

less time consuming... however, as you all know already, it isn't just that

simple. I can imagine some of you are cringing just at the thought of such a

thing.

I know talk is cheap, legal documents or not. The day to day stress of living

next door is what I am concerned about. In our current situation 2 1/2 hrs away

she made a comment one night at about 1am " I'm hungry, I wish you lived closer

because you could make me something to eat and bring it over " . At that moment I

was forever grateful to be living so far away and vowed to never live closer to

her again. Hubby and I talked then about her demanding and controlling ways and

what it would be like to live near her. The thought of it still makes me feel

ill sometimes.

I know that doing something like this will keep her front and center in our

lives for the rest of hers... but I guess my question is, how much worse could

it be than having to travel so far (with me not able to drive anymore) to take

care of her for the rest of her life? Either way she will be sucking my life

away... which makes more sense? The property, upon her death, would leave me

and hubby set for life, no question about that. Am I talking about selling my

soul without realizing it?

Nada knows we can't move for at least the next 3 yrs... that is the other part

of this thing I need help with. The place she is in now is killing me and hubby

with trying to take care of her and it. Its falling apart around her and so

full of antiques mixed with junk, cat piss, and filth that it makes me ill just

thinking about it. I am concerned that in nada's big new adventure she is going

to drag her feet on the current house, holding out for the next 3 yrs when we're

able to move, to set up the above mentioned situation. I know neither hubby nor

I can survive another 3 yrs of the way things are now. That is without

question. Its just too much for the 2 of us. Our own house is now starting to

fall apart around us because we are never home enough to take care of it

anymore, we're too busy with the never ending work at nada's farm. That is what

has sucked our lives away and what has caused me such excessive stress... and

ultimately, what eventually led me here to this group. I was desperate enough

only a few weeks ago to ask the help of an online friend who is a shrink... as I

feared for my own sanity.

So, the big question... what would you do? How would you all approach such a

situation? If asked honestly, yes, I am considering this because of some of

the good points. Hubby agrees with me there... but that OVERWHELMING FEAR of

having her front and center in our faces 24/7 with her demands and insults... is

looming near. I have always expected that when she reaches a point of needing

more care than I can give, a live in caregiver is the only option that makes any

sense. Her insurance is enough that it shouldn't be too difficult, but unless

it is medically needed, the expense would all be on me, and the way things are

right now, I simply could not afford that. This situation would help resolve

that, I don't mind the extra house cleaning if she's not standing over me giving

me instructions each time. I can help with her cooking by doing it at home and

running it over to her house once/day or every other day... and there would be

times I wouldn't mind " short " visits with her in our home. But how to set

livable boundaries for something like this? I can never again put myself out

there where she KNOWS I am at her mercy... never ever again. Be it financially

or emotionally.. I can't do that again.

How would you do it? I keep thinking there has to be a way to make this work,

just the how that evades me.

Hubby sends his thanks in advance, as do I, for any contributions to this post.

I knew the day would come that I'd have to make the hard choices (as if life

hasn't been hard enough already) but I didn't expect it quite this soon. I am

so grateful I have this group now to help me with these decisions... and to

support me no matter how I choose to proceed. The understanding and caring in

this group is unmatched anywhere I have ever been before in my life.

I look forward to all of your replies!