Surviving the Holidays

[Guest guest]

A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

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I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like this

year will be no exception.

I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

we just wait for the return fire.

Here's the scoop:

We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we set

up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that we

" give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing out

proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

$300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we bought

her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can pick

them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

It's never good enough.

I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

she promised to mail them and never did.

So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her a

gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital frame

we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

Wolfermans.

The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

husband began. They go something like this:

" Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

wrong gift. "

" Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

" Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

" Why did you think it was odd? "

" Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

Blah,blah, blah.

Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before she

got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

gasoline on the fire.

What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt and

it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional help,

but he wants no part of it.

Any advice? Thanks in advance.