Learning to say NO

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone! Sorry I have not contributed more, but time has been limited here.

I have never belonged to a group that is as actively busy as this one is, so

there is no way I have been able to keep up with everything and everyone. I

have, however, been inspired and encouraged by this group that I now consider

part of my extended family. So, once more... thank you to all of you.

I have made some changes in my life since first coming here. The biggest and

still the hardest one has been the ability to say " NO " to nada. Of course, she

fights everything, pouts, turns on the guilt treatments, etc. I never expected

that part to change or go away, but I have taken some wonderful advice from the

people in this group and have begun establishing some limits regardless of her

reactions. I have managed to put a bit of space between me and nada, and my

sanity is finally returning. I have slept great for about the past 2 weeks,

limiting the amount of time I spend with her online at night.

When I talk with/deal with nada I no longer see her as the all great and

powerful Oz... instead I have been looking at her and seeing the BPD instead of

a mother. That has helped me to detach from much of the guilt and other

conflicting feelings that have haunted me much of my life. She is no longer an

actual person in my mind, but instead she is now a walking mental illness, and

in seeing her that way, I have been able to control my own reactions to her,

rationalize behaviors on a " normal " level, and thus reduced my stress levels to

a minimum now. When I go to bed at night I actually sleep... no more waking up

every few hrs, no more falling asleep drowning in her complaints, guilt trips,

and emotional chaos.

My wish when I first came here was to reclaim my life, my sanity, my time. I

know I still have a long road to travel and I realize my life will never be

" normal " (whatever that is)... but it is now much more under my own control and

it feels GREAT!!!! I feel like a real person again, allowed to feel for myself,

think for myself, act on my own instincts and desires. My husband and daughter

have both noticed so many changes in me just over the past few weeks, and they

have embraced me and these changes, and we are all celebrating. It is so nice

to be able to curl up next to my husband at night when I fall asleep instead of

kissing him goodbye at 7am as he is heading off to work and I am still

struggling to find sleep.

Last night I celebrated yet again as I was able to say " no " to nada and stand

firm, regardless of her reactions... and feel NO GUILT! What an amazing feeling

to not carry all of the guilt around on my shoulders 24/7. I never imagined

life would feel so " easy " to live. I dare to say, I am actually happy again.

I work in the aquarium/fish industry, and recently nada had decided that once

she moves, she desired an aquarium be set up in her new house. The catch... she

wanted me to take care of it. (I live 2 1/2 hrs away from her) I explained to

her that I could do such a thing in a way that would only require me to check on

it about every 6 wks, but her options are very limited to create that sort of

set up. She was content with that... until a few days ago. She wandered into

her local pet store and saw a new tank that really got her excited, so she began

planning on having one of those before consulting me. Turns out, there is

absolutely no way to set that tank up for her without my having to be there

weekly to service it, and without her having to compensate and do some of the

work herself... which she is adamant she just refuses to do. I recognized how

she was trying to yet again reel me in, trap me in obligation to her... use

something I care deeply about to manipulate me and allow herself the favorable

outcome she desired. So... last night, I was blunt. " NO " ! I told her she was

welcome to purchase whatever set up she desired, but if she went the direction

she was set on, she would have to take care of it herself because I simply

refuse. The end result was her pouting and complaining that she just won't be

able to have a fish tank now... so instead of apologizing (which has always been

my first reaction to her) I told her that some people are just not cut out to

keep certain kinds of pets and not everyone is suited to fish tanks. She

quickly claimed she was tired and called it a night, still showing the pouting,

guilt inducing attitude that used to bring me around to giving into her wish.

For some people this may not seem like much, but for me is has been a huge

milestone on the road to recovery. I chose to come and share this here because

I know that everyone in this group understands how such a little thing can be

such a big deal, and I am in a mood to celebrate.

The last time I was here I was asking advice about the living arrangements that

nada proposed to me (buying a property with 2 houses on it... one for her and

one for us). I'm happy to report that she was given a blunt " NO " on that

situation also. I ignored her idea for a few days, giving myself a chance to

build up the courage to fight with her... time to mentally prepare myself for

the emotional battering I was sure would come afterwards... but once again, No

has remained No and she has moved on. I did not offer her any explanation,

which was also a bad habit I had to battle. I said " no, we decided that just

won't work " and then changed the subject. I refused to let her bait me into

dragging it out until we were fighting about it. There was no chance for her to

begin the usual assult of guilt and verbal abuse.

I feel powerful, liberated... and involved in my own life once more. The stress

of nada has been pushed to a back burner and I have been able to let go of the

horrible feelings she often brings to me on a personal level. The control is

mine again and she is no longer running every aspect of my life. The phone

calls have slowed down to a minimum, mostly because I think she is feeling very

" put out " over my new found boldness and independence, but I don't dwell on the

" why " anymore. When that question pops into my head, now I have an answer for

myself.... the answer is " nada is mentally ill... its the BPD.

I don't know if this new realization of mine will help others here, I can only

hope. My shrink friend told me in the beginning that it was time for me to find

new approaches, change how I think, and then act on those changes. At first I

wasn't sure what a " new perspective " really was or how it was possible... but

with the help of everyone here and the mega amounts of info I have read about

BPD, I have found my new approach, new perspective, and it is working! No more

am I dealing with a pitiful mother who holds my every emotion wrapped around her

little finger. Now I deal with a mentally ill person that I care deeply about,

I deal with BPD as if she were the BPD by definition.

I don't think I will be participating in this group quite as actively as I first

thought I would need to for my recovery. In reclaiming my life and setting new

limits for nada, I have had to also set some limits for myself. At night when

my first instinct is to come here and complain and cry about my situation,

instead I have been able to shut it off in my head and just simply go to bed and

actually sleep. I have approached it with " I need sleep first, if I still need

to vent, I can do it in the morning " . Luckily, by morning, most of those

feelings and issues have faded away into yesterday and each day is a new one...

a time to push forward further and stop dwelling on the past, even if its only 1

or 2 days in the past. The best part is that I no longer feel like I'm

struggling to get through each day or night.

I have resumed some of my old hobbies and taken up a few new ones now, devoting

my time to me and my family first, nada 2nd. I am back to working online and

better able to focus, and the results are already coming in as positive, both

for the people (and their pets) that I am helping and for myself, once again

feeling the rewards of doing my job to the best of my ability. No more scatter

brained moments (at least not yet) and no more feeling out of control.

2011 is going to be a better year for me and my family and I have this group to

thank for that. My husband and daughter both send their appreciation to all of

you for the support you have all offered me in this bad time in our lives.

Hubby is thrilled to have his wife back, daughter is ecstatic about having her

mom back and functioning again. For me... there are no words to express the

overwhelming amount of emotion you all bring to me. Thank you just doesn't seem

like enough.

I hope everyone here has a better year this year. I hope I am able to return

the support and encouragement you have all shown me.

Have a great day everyone! The sun is shining and hope is now hanging right

overhead...