Re: I Divorced Nada

[Guest guest]

You're right Annie. I think my nada has more than just BPD and addictions going

on. But that's her problem to deal with. She, like many others in life will

learn, when you are unkind to people and abusive, do not be surprised to

eventually find yourself completely alone with no one to turn to. The insecure

create a self-fulfilling prophecy time and time again. Its sad but I believe

there are choices being made. She chooses to see my love as not good enough and

she chooses to seek revenge against me for not loving her as she thinks I

should. she could choose otherwise but its more fun to her to choke on her own

toxic poisonous anger. It makes her feel more alive I guess. I wouldn't let

another human being on this planet use and abuse me as I let her use and abuse

me. when I realized how unloving I was being to myself catering to and enabling

a user, loser, f'd up person who calls herself my mommy, I had to stop.

I won't let anyone beat up on me - not even me! LOL

> >

> > I remember thinking at one time that I could divorce my hurtful,

pain-twisted husband and get him out of my life but how come I can't divorce

nada? I held this mistaken belief that I had to stand there forever and take

her abuse because she held the sacred position of mother in my life. I learned

pretty quickly that the sacredness of that position deserving adoration, respect

and honor had to be earned. It's not a place one is just entitled to hold for

giving birth to a child. Anyone can give birth to a child but it takes a

special soul to be a real mother.

> >

> > I often stood outside of myself and watched her interactions. I let her

have it just once and told her what I felt after taking days on end of her

attacking and shredding everything I held dear and she had the nerve to take

credit by saying, " You needed to let this all out and I'm so glad I pushed the

right buttons to get you there. " OMG! That's when I knew what a lost,

pain-twisted soul she really was. In that moment I felt so sad for her but at

that moment too, I realized not only did I not have a mother, I never had one.

She always felt entitled to her position as " mother " and would demand respect

and love only on her terms because my love and respect and the demonstrations

thereof were not good enough. Her title as mother required that I take care of

her every whim - shopping when she felt like it, her new dentures because her

teeth rotted out from pain medications, money for cigarttes and alcohol, a place

to keep her hoarding treasures and more people to abuse in me and my kids.

> >

> > I tried to set boundaries and she smashed them. I tried to disconnect from

her and she stalked me. I watched my own reactions and felt the same toxic

pain, anguish and hell that motivates her to do as she does and I just let go.

I realized that as a human being, I have the right to remove any person from my

life that isn't supportive of me, who is not kind and loving with me and who

continually tries to tear me down and just use me for what I have. So, I pushed

her out and told her never to come back. It was hard. After I kicked her out

she stood with a sign at the grocery store, Help - Hungry - Daughter kicked me

out on the streets. And she did it at the store she knew I shopped at. The

funny thing is, she had housing vouchers so could have a roof at any time. She

had food stamps so could get food and she had social security to could buy what

she needed if she didn't drink it away. I felt guilty and responsible and I

thought, wait a minute, she's still manipulating me. She's now fully engaged in

guilt and character assassination.

> >

> > I felt horrible but I didn't feel any different than a woman would that had

lost her mother. I just had the added anger of all the hateful words she laid

at my feet. I realized I had to keep my distance in order to heal and that no

child or adult should ever have to suffer this kind of abuse, betrayal and

purposeful wounding. No one should ever have to go through this. She wouldn't

have to go through this either if she got herself some help...but she doesn't

need it, God better get busy and give her what she needs, she demands it. I

better give her what she wants, she demands it or I will be the object of her

repeated, continued heinous and insidious revenge.

> >

> > So, I divorced nada. I finally did it. All the people she had call me to

tell me how horrible I was got a new perspective of nada when they called and

eventually they stopped calling. I told each one they would help her more by

getting her into therapy to help her heal her delusions and hallucinations than

calling the daughter who loved her mother but had to protect herself from

emotional annihilation. I don't get any calls any more. i don't get letters

any more. She doesn't use email, thank God! So, finally I'm free...except for

this healing I still must do. But that I do gladly.

> >

> > Healing always comes after divorce. You begin to understand what went wrong

and how you make you alright in your own mind, how to forgive and learn to

forget. Life goes on but its so much better without abuse.

> >

> >

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