Re: Flying Monkeys - I get it!

[Guest guest]

Yeah, it could very well be flying monkey behavior. Or not. Most of the time,

I truly think people are just trying to be kind. Maybe this friend of your

mother's was just trying to be kind to you by saying something nice about your

mother's artistic ability. Perhaps " P " actually admires the murals your mother

painted. Its hard to know what someone's motives and agenda are based on a

single incident.

Me, I tend to make my assessments based on patterns of behavior more than on one

incident. If someone says something hurtful or mean or thoughtless to me once,

or once in a long, long while, I tend to brush it off. Everyone has a bad day

now and then, or is preoccupied or worried and that can make a person abrupt or

irritable. But if it happens again within a fairly short time, I kind of go on

low-level alert. If it happens a third or 4th time, then, that seems like a

pattern to me: a rather consistent and frequent pattern of being hostile, or

insulting, or domineering, or manipulative, or attempts to inflict guilt...

whatever... I tend to reduce or cut my contact with that individual. Who needs

it?

-Annie

>

> As I have said before, my mother has dementia and is in a nursing home. Some

friends are staying in her condo this weekend and they met her neighbor.

> One of the friends, P, called me this evening and was telling me how nice the

apartment was, etc., and she asked me if my mother had painted the murals. I

said yes. She then told me that the neighbor had told her that my mother was " a

brilliant woman. "

> P. was joking saying therefore I must be brilliant, etc., ha ha.

> Can anybody say Flying Monkey?

> The neighbor has only known my mother for a few years, and they were all years

during which she was showing definite signs of dementia, was a hermit, couldn't

do anything for herself and tried to kill herself and was Baker acted.

> Brilliant?

> I told DD and DH - DH asked what planet the neighbor was living on and DD said

maybe the neighbor has dementia, lol, or maybe she's as crazy as my mother.

> I totally get flying monkeys because of this one conversation! I can see how

if I was at a different place in my understanding of my mother's mental illness

someone saying something that contradicts something I know via personal

experience to be untrue (she was very far from brilliant) might start me to

questioning my version of reality. I might start to wonder if I was the crazy

one.

> Amazing!

>

> Em

>

>

> Sent from my blueberry.

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, it could very well be flying monkey behavior. Or not. Most of the time,

I truly think people are just trying to be kind. Maybe this friend of your

mother's was just trying to be kind to you by saying something nice about your

mother's artistic ability. Perhaps " P " actually admires the murals your mother

painted. Its hard to know what someone's motives and agenda are based on a

single incident.

Me, I tend to make my assessments based on patterns of behavior more than on one

incident. If someone says something hurtful or mean or thoughtless to me once,

or once in a long, long while, I tend to brush it off. Everyone has a bad day

now and then, or is preoccupied or worried and that can make a person abrupt or

irritable. But if it happens again within a fairly short time, I kind of go on

low-level alert. If it happens a third or 4th time, then, that seems like a

pattern to me: a rather consistent and frequent pattern of being hostile, or

insulting, or domineering, or manipulative, or attempts to inflict guilt...

whatever... I tend to reduce or cut my contact with that individual. Who needs

it?

-Annie

>

> As I have said before, my mother has dementia and is in a nursing home. Some

friends are staying in her condo this weekend and they met her neighbor.

> One of the friends, P, called me this evening and was telling me how nice the

apartment was, etc., and she asked me if my mother had painted the murals. I

said yes. She then told me that the neighbor had told her that my mother was " a

brilliant woman. "

> P. was joking saying therefore I must be brilliant, etc., ha ha.

> Can anybody say Flying Monkey?

> The neighbor has only known my mother for a few years, and they were all years

during which she was showing definite signs of dementia, was a hermit, couldn't

do anything for herself and tried to kill herself and was Baker acted.

> Brilliant?

> I told DD and DH - DH asked what planet the neighbor was living on and DD said

maybe the neighbor has dementia, lol, or maybe she's as crazy as my mother.

> I totally get flying monkeys because of this one conversation! I can see how

if I was at a different place in my understanding of my mother's mental illness

someone saying something that contradicts something I know via personal

experience to be untrue (she was very far from brilliant) might start me to

questioning my version of reality. I might start to wonder if I was the crazy

one.

> Amazing!

>

> Em

>

>

> Sent from my blueberry.

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, it could very well be flying monkey behavior. Or not. Most of the time,

I truly think people are just trying to be kind. Maybe this friend of your

mother's was just trying to be kind to you by saying something nice about your

mother's artistic ability. Perhaps " P " actually admires the murals your mother

painted. Its hard to know what someone's motives and agenda are based on a

single incident.

Me, I tend to make my assessments based on patterns of behavior more than on one

incident. If someone says something hurtful or mean or thoughtless to me once,

or once in a long, long while, I tend to brush it off. Everyone has a bad day

now and then, or is preoccupied or worried and that can make a person abrupt or

irritable. But if it happens again within a fairly short time, I kind of go on

low-level alert. If it happens a third or 4th time, then, that seems like a

pattern to me: a rather consistent and frequent pattern of being hostile, or

insulting, or domineering, or manipulative, or attempts to inflict guilt...

whatever... I tend to reduce or cut my contact with that individual. Who needs

it?

-Annie

>

> As I have said before, my mother has dementia and is in a nursing home. Some

friends are staying in her condo this weekend and they met her neighbor.

> One of the friends, P, called me this evening and was telling me how nice the

apartment was, etc., and she asked me if my mother had painted the murals. I

said yes. She then told me that the neighbor had told her that my mother was " a

brilliant woman. "

> P. was joking saying therefore I must be brilliant, etc., ha ha.

> Can anybody say Flying Monkey?

> The neighbor has only known my mother for a few years, and they were all years

during which she was showing definite signs of dementia, was a hermit, couldn't

do anything for herself and tried to kill herself and was Baker acted.

> Brilliant?

> I told DD and DH - DH asked what planet the neighbor was living on and DD said

maybe the neighbor has dementia, lol, or maybe she's as crazy as my mother.

> I totally get flying monkeys because of this one conversation! I can see how

if I was at a different place in my understanding of my mother's mental illness

someone saying something that contradicts something I know via personal

experience to be untrue (she was very far from brilliant) might start me to

questioning my version of reality. I might start to wonder if I was the crazy

one.

> Amazing!

>

> Em

>

>

> Sent from my blueberry.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Oh, I had no doubt my friend P admired the murals. And the neighbor C obviously

saw my mother in a different light than this of us who lived with her.

It just proves how a KO could be cast adrift in a sea of doubt - I'm secure in

my, well, knowing for lack of a better word, of what kind of person my mother

is. But what if I was not so secure?

DD really made me laugh - she said " Wow! I never knew Granny had a split

personality. "

On a more serious note, though, from what I am learning about bpds, in a way

they do have a split personality.

The private for family side and the public for show side.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> Yeah, it could very well be flying monkey behavior. Or not. Most of the time,

I truly think people are just trying to be kind. Maybe this friend of your

mother's was just trying to be kind to you by saying something nice about your

mother's artistic ability. Perhaps " P " actually admires the murals your mother

painted. Its hard to know what someone's motives and agenda are based on a

single incident.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Oh, I had no doubt my friend P admired the murals. And the neighbor C obviously

saw my mother in a different light than this of us who lived with her.

It just proves how a KO could be cast adrift in a sea of doubt - I'm secure in

my, well, knowing for lack of a better word, of what kind of person my mother

is. But what if I was not so secure?

DD really made me laugh - she said " Wow! I never knew Granny had a split

personality. "

On a more serious note, though, from what I am learning about bpds, in a way

they do have a split personality.

The private for family side and the public for show side.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> Yeah, it could very well be flying monkey behavior. Or not. Most of the time,

I truly think people are just trying to be kind. Maybe this friend of your

mother's was just trying to be kind to you by saying something nice about your

mother's artistic ability. Perhaps " P " actually admires the murals your mother

painted. Its hard to know what someone's motives and agenda are based on a

single incident.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Oh, I had no doubt my friend P admired the murals. And the neighbor C obviously

saw my mother in a different light than this of us who lived with her.

It just proves how a KO could be cast adrift in a sea of doubt - I'm secure in

my, well, knowing for lack of a better word, of what kind of person my mother

is. But what if I was not so secure?

DD really made me laugh - she said " Wow! I never knew Granny had a split

personality. "

On a more serious note, though, from what I am learning about bpds, in a way

they do have a split personality.

The private for family side and the public for show side.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> Yeah, it could very well be flying monkey behavior. Or not. Most of the time,

I truly think people are just trying to be kind. Maybe this friend of your

mother's was just trying to be kind to you by saying something nice about your

mother's artistic ability. Perhaps " P " actually admires the murals your mother

painted. Its hard to know what someone's motives and agenda are based on a

single incident.

[Guest guest]

Not all bpds can do that, but mine nada could. Mine could (and still can) be

charming and appealing in public to neighbors, co-workers, church friends, and

most of our relatives.

She almost always had control of her behaviors and could wait until Sister

and/or I were alone with her before she would drop the mask and rip into us.

There were a small handful of times over my lifetime where she lost it in public

or in front of a friend or neighbor, but those were rare.

Now in her 80's, my nada is beginning to lose her ability to control her

acting-out behaviors in front of other people and its coinciding with her

starting to have hallucinations.

When a bpd has more control over her behaviors and can hold down a job and be

responsible and pay bills, etc., that's called being " high-functioning. " The

bpds who end up getting into trouble with the law for starting brawls in public

or getting into it with neighbors, are unable to keep a job, who make suicide

attempts, etc., are referred to as " low-functioning " . Mine was always quite

high-functioning.

So I get where you're coming from, so to speak.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

> Oh, I had no doubt my friend P admired the murals. And the neighbor C

obviously saw my mother in a different light than this of us who lived with her.

> It just proves how a KO could be cast adrift in a sea of doubt - I'm secure in

my, well, knowing for lack of a better word, of what kind of person my mother

is. But what if I was not so secure?

>

> DD really made me laugh - she said " Wow! I never knew Granny had a split

personality. "

> On a more serious note, though, from what I am learning about bpds, in a way

they do have a split personality.

> The private for family side and the public for show side.

>

> Em

[Guest guest]

Not all bpds can do that, but mine nada could. Mine could (and still can) be

charming and appealing in public to neighbors, co-workers, church friends, and

most of our relatives.

She almost always had control of her behaviors and could wait until Sister

and/or I were alone with her before she would drop the mask and rip into us.

There were a small handful of times over my lifetime where she lost it in public

or in front of a friend or neighbor, but those were rare.

Now in her 80's, my nada is beginning to lose her ability to control her

acting-out behaviors in front of other people and its coinciding with her

starting to have hallucinations.

When a bpd has more control over her behaviors and can hold down a job and be

responsible and pay bills, etc., that's called being " high-functioning. " The

bpds who end up getting into trouble with the law for starting brawls in public

or getting into it with neighbors, are unable to keep a job, who make suicide

attempts, etc., are referred to as " low-functioning " . Mine was always quite

high-functioning.

So I get where you're coming from, so to speak.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

> Oh, I had no doubt my friend P admired the murals. And the neighbor C

obviously saw my mother in a different light than this of us who lived with her.

> It just proves how a KO could be cast adrift in a sea of doubt - I'm secure in

my, well, knowing for lack of a better word, of what kind of person my mother

is. But what if I was not so secure?

>

> DD really made me laugh - she said " Wow! I never knew Granny had a split

personality. "

> On a more serious note, though, from what I am learning about bpds, in a way

they do have a split personality.

> The private for family side and the public for show side.

>

> Em

[Guest guest]

My nada was high functioning. Fiance's ex is what I would say is middle

functioning. If she wasn't an alcoholic she'd probably be high functioning.

Mia

[Guest guest]

My nada was high functioning. Fiance's ex is what I would say is middle

functioning. If she wasn't an alcoholic she'd probably be high functioning.

Mia

[Guest guest]

I think the children of high-functioning bpds/npds have it really hard because

to the outside world it looks like nada is a lovely, normal person. Only the

kids (and the enmeshed, enabling dads) see the real nada underneath the mask.

That's why I'm a proponent of educating children beginning in Kindergarten to

recognize what normal, mentally healthy behaviors look like and sound like vs

what abusive, mentally ill behaviors sound like and look like, using short films

to enact typical family-type situations.

(For example, the film shows 5-year-old Suzy accidentally tipping over her small

glass of milk at the breakfast table. Version 1 mommy says, " Uh-oh! Quick,

Suzy, grab a paper towel, let's mop this up. " and the two of them quickly take

care of the mess. Version 2 mommy jumps up, screams at Suzy, calls her a

stupid, clumsy idiot, grabs Suzy's arm, shoves a paper towel into Suzy's hand

and uses Suzy's arm like a scrubbing brush to wipe up the spill, yelling at her

the whole time. Now, class, which is the mentally healthy way to handle the

problem of a messy spill? Version 1 or Version 2?)

Then children could have some perspective, they could see for themselves what is

a healthy way to handle a messy spill, and what is an abnormal, abusive way to

handle it. It might encourage children to take parental abuse less personally

and even report emotional, physical, or sexual abuse they're receiving at home.

Maybe.

That would be the goal, anyway.

-Annie

>

> My nada was high functioning. Fiance's ex is what I would say is middle

> functioning. If she wasn't an alcoholic she'd probably be high functioning.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Perfect advice Annie.

I have been dealing with this with one family member (one of the last people

from FOO I talk to). I have noticed that she always brings me down. I got to

where I would only call her if I was already down or on my way to the license

branch or something.

I think it's time for way down LC. Why go through this?

And she ALWAYS ends the call with this guilt-inducing poor-me voice because you

have to go. I get tired of the guild trip even after I " paid my dues " by making

the unwanted call in the first place.

No more dues for me; canceling membership in the Monkey Club.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> Me, I tend to make my assessments based on patterns of behavior more than on

one incident. If someone says something hurtful or mean or thoughtless to me

once, or once in a long, long while, I tend to brush it off. Everyone has a

bad day now and then, or is preoccupied or worried and that can make a person

abrupt or irritable. But if it happens again within a fairly short time, I kind

of go on low-level alert. If it happens a third or 4th time, then, that seems

like a pattern to me: a rather consistent and frequent pattern of being hostile,

or insulting, or domineering, or manipulative, or attempts to inflict guilt...

whatever... I tend to reduce or cut my contact with that individual. Who needs

it?

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Perfect advice Annie.

I have been dealing with this with one family member (one of the last people

from FOO I talk to). I have noticed that she always brings me down. I got to

where I would only call her if I was already down or on my way to the license

branch or something.

I think it's time for way down LC. Why go through this?

And she ALWAYS ends the call with this guilt-inducing poor-me voice because you

have to go. I get tired of the guild trip even after I " paid my dues " by making

the unwanted call in the first place.

No more dues for me; canceling membership in the Monkey Club.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> Me, I tend to make my assessments based on patterns of behavior more than on

one incident. If someone says something hurtful or mean or thoughtless to me

once, or once in a long, long while, I tend to brush it off. Everyone has a

bad day now and then, or is preoccupied or worried and that can make a person

abrupt or irritable. But if it happens again within a fairly short time, I kind

of go on low-level alert. If it happens a third or 4th time, then, that seems

like a pattern to me: a rather consistent and frequent pattern of being hostile,

or insulting, or domineering, or manipulative, or attempts to inflict guilt...

whatever... I tend to reduce or cut my contact with that individual. Who needs

it?

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Perfect advice Annie.

I have been dealing with this with one family member (one of the last people

from FOO I talk to). I have noticed that she always brings me down. I got to

where I would only call her if I was already down or on my way to the license

branch or something.

I think it's time for way down LC. Why go through this?

And she ALWAYS ends the call with this guilt-inducing poor-me voice because you

have to go. I get tired of the guild trip even after I " paid my dues " by making

the unwanted call in the first place.

No more dues for me; canceling membership in the Monkey Club.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> Me, I tend to make my assessments based on patterns of behavior more than on

one incident. If someone says something hurtful or mean or thoughtless to me

once, or once in a long, long while, I tend to brush it off. Everyone has a

bad day now and then, or is preoccupied or worried and that can make a person

abrupt or irritable. But if it happens again within a fairly short time, I kind

of go on low-level alert. If it happens a third or 4th time, then, that seems

like a pattern to me: a rather consistent and frequent pattern of being hostile,

or insulting, or domineering, or manipulative, or attempts to inflict guilt...

whatever... I tend to reduce or cut my contact with that individual. Who needs

it?

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

" No more dues for me; canceling membership in the Monkey Club. "

Lol CMD, I like that line! Might have to use that one in the future myself

;-)

Mia

>