I Divorced Nada

[Guest guest]

I remember thinking at one time that I could divorce my hurtful, pain-twisted

husband and get him out of my life but how come I can't divorce nada? I held

this mistaken belief that I had to stand there forever and take her abuse

because she held the sacred position of mother in my life. I learned pretty

quickly that the sacredness of that position deserving adoration, respect and

honor had to be earned. It's not a place one is just entitled to hold for

giving birth to a child. Anyone can give birth to a child but it takes a

special soul to be a real mother.

I often stood outside of myself and watched her interactions. I let her have it

just once and told her what I felt after taking days on end of her attacking and

shredding everything I held dear and she had the nerve to take credit by saying,

" You needed to let this all out and I'm so glad I pushed the right buttons to

get you there. " OMG! That's when I knew what a lost, pain-twisted soul she

really was. In that moment I felt so sad for her but at that moment too, I

realized not only did I not have a mother, I never had one. She always felt

entitled to her position as " mother " and would demand respect and love only on

her terms because my love and respect and the demonstrations thereof were not

good enough. Her title as mother required that I take care of her every whim -

shopping when she felt like it, her new dentures because her teeth rotted out

from pain medications, money for cigarttes and alcohol, a place to keep her

hoarding treasures and more people to abuse in me and my kids.

I tried to set boundaries and she smashed them. I tried to disconnect from her

and she stalked me. I watched my own reactions and felt the same toxic pain,

anguish and hell that motivates her to do as she does and I just let go. I

realized that as a human being, I have the right to remove any person from my

life that isn't supportive of me, who is not kind and loving with me and who

continually tries to tear me down and just use me for what I have. So, I pushed

her out and told her never to come back. It was hard. After I kicked her out

she stood with a sign at the grocery store, Help - Hungry - Daughter kicked me

out on the streets. And she did it at the store she knew I shopped at. The

funny thing is, she had housing vouchers so could have a roof at any time. She

had food stamps so could get food and she had social security to could buy what

she needed if she didn't drink it away. I felt guilty and responsible and I

thought, wait a minute, she's still manipulating me. She's now fully engaged in

guilt and character assassination.

I felt horrible but I didn't feel any different than a woman would that had lost

her mother. I just had the added anger of all the hateful words she laid at my

feet. I realized I had to keep my distance in order to heal and that no child

or adult should ever have to suffer this kind of abuse, betrayal and purposeful

wounding. No one should ever have to go through this. She wouldn't have to go

through this either if she got herself some help...but she doesn't need it, God

better get busy and give her what she needs, she demands it. I better give her

what she wants, she demands it or I will be the object of her repeated,

continued heinous and insidious revenge.

So, I divorced nada. I finally did it. All the people she had call me to tell

me how horrible I was got a new perspective of nada when they called and

eventually they stopped calling. I told each one they would help her more by

getting her into therapy to help her heal her delusions and hallucinations than

calling the daughter who loved her mother but had to protect herself from

emotional annihilation. I don't get any calls any more. i don't get letters

any more. She doesn't use email, thank God! So, finally I'm free...except for

this healing I still must do. But that I do gladly.

Healing always comes after divorce. You begin to understand what went wrong and

how you make you alright in your own mind, how to forgive and learn to forget.

Life goes on but its so much better without abuse.