Re: Disbelief

[Guest guest]

Thanks Gladys,

All these words help me so much to deal with the upset and humiliation I

felt in front of my other colleagues. I've no idea what they thought and we

are now on a two week half term so I won't see anyone until the beginning of

Nov. I'm very pleased about that. You can't help wondering how many other

people share the view that you should 'shut up' and be grateful for having

one child. Of course, physically it would be easier - no operations (well

not quite true as my endo. cysts need regular treatment.) Surely people

don't think we go through all of this for fun!!

Thanks again for your kindness - I really don't feel alone in dealing with

this anymore and will keep everyone's words in mind if I am confronted in

this way again. I am so,so grateful for your help,

a

[Guest guest]

Thanks Gladys,

All these words help me so much to deal with the upset and humiliation I

felt in front of my other colleagues. I've no idea what they thought and we

are now on a two week half term so I won't see anyone until the beginning of

Nov. I'm very pleased about that. You can't help wondering how many other

people share the view that you should 'shut up' and be grateful for having

one child. Of course, physically it would be easier - no operations (well

not quite true as my endo. cysts need regular treatment.) Surely people

don't think we go through all of this for fun!!

Thanks again for your kindness - I really don't feel alone in dealing with

this anymore and will keep everyone's words in mind if I am confronted in

this way again. I am so,so grateful for your help,

a

[Guest guest]

Thanks Gladys,

All these words help me so much to deal with the upset and humiliation I

felt in front of my other colleagues. I've no idea what they thought and we

are now on a two week half term so I won't see anyone until the beginning of

Nov. I'm very pleased about that. You can't help wondering how many other

people share the view that you should 'shut up' and be grateful for having

one child. Of course, physically it would be easier - no operations (well

not quite true as my endo. cysts need regular treatment.) Surely people

don't think we go through all of this for fun!!

Thanks again for your kindness - I really don't feel alone in dealing with

this anymore and will keep everyone's words in mind if I am confronted in

this way again. I am so,so grateful for your help,

a

[Guest guest]

For many years I had a bit of an attitude about women who went to

all ends to have a child. I don't think I ever said anything to

anyone that was hurtful, but the attitude was there inside.

Although there is no sense in exposing ourselves to harmful

comments, I don't think we should hold ourselves and our feelings

back as sharing yourself and your life may help someone else on

their path.

I don't know if this will help, but I do know now where my attitude

came from. I had that attitude because I had been attacked be a

serial rapist in my early 20s. Although the prosecution as

successful and he went to jail, it was very traumatic

psychologically and I ended up deciding that I would never get

married and therefor never have children. I loved children and men

and just put it all behind me for many years and resigned myself to

my lot in life. I so regret that I didn't go for counseling then,

but I didn't have to social support or the finances to do so, and it

was years before I did have that. Then it took years of counseling

before I met and married my husband. All that time, I flinched just

a bit when I was with children and I had an attitude about women who

pursued motherhood obsessively (as I would have termed it then). I

had that attitude because I hadn't given myself permission to pursue

my own desire for motherhood. I can't really explain my logic, but

at the time it just seemed like everything to do with men was unsafe

and hurtful, and maybe it was OK for other women, but for me it was

unsafe, and we don't get everything we want in life. So, other

women should resign themselves to their lot in life also. But, I

don't think I could have explained that if someone had asked and it

was way too painful for me to look at then.

I have to believe that God really has something in mind for me with

children because I got pregnant the first month my husband and I

lived together at age 42 and somehow have been able to save a

somewhat functional reproductive system despite my medical

problems. However, dealing with my sadness over the past and the

years of being a mother that I have lost, and all of the losses with

the Asherman's and cancer, has been one of the most painful and

difficult things I have ever gone through. I think that the only

reason I have been able to deal with it now is that I have a

wonderful husband, a stable job with supportive colleagues, the

wherewithal to pay for counseling and someone good to go to, my

religious faith, and now this group. I don't think I was able to

deal with it emotionally before now because I didn't have the

supports there to handle the pain.

Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt by her, but treat this

woman with compassion if you can.

Helen Marie

[Guest guest]

For many years I had a bit of an attitude about women who went to

all ends to have a child. I don't think I ever said anything to

anyone that was hurtful, but the attitude was there inside.

Although there is no sense in exposing ourselves to harmful

comments, I don't think we should hold ourselves and our feelings

back as sharing yourself and your life may help someone else on

their path.

I don't know if this will help, but I do know now where my attitude

came from. I had that attitude because I had been attacked be a

serial rapist in my early 20s. Although the prosecution as

successful and he went to jail, it was very traumatic

psychologically and I ended up deciding that I would never get

married and therefor never have children. I loved children and men

and just put it all behind me for many years and resigned myself to

my lot in life. I so regret that I didn't go for counseling then,

but I didn't have to social support or the finances to do so, and it

was years before I did have that. Then it took years of counseling

before I met and married my husband. All that time, I flinched just

a bit when I was with children and I had an attitude about women who

pursued motherhood obsessively (as I would have termed it then). I

had that attitude because I hadn't given myself permission to pursue

my own desire for motherhood. I can't really explain my logic, but

at the time it just seemed like everything to do with men was unsafe

and hurtful, and maybe it was OK for other women, but for me it was

unsafe, and we don't get everything we want in life. So, other

women should resign themselves to their lot in life also. But, I

don't think I could have explained that if someone had asked and it

was way too painful for me to look at then.

I have to believe that God really has something in mind for me with

children because I got pregnant the first month my husband and I

lived together at age 42 and somehow have been able to save a

somewhat functional reproductive system despite my medical

problems. However, dealing with my sadness over the past and the

years of being a mother that I have lost, and all of the losses with

the Asherman's and cancer, has been one of the most painful and

difficult things I have ever gone through. I think that the only

reason I have been able to deal with it now is that I have a

wonderful husband, a stable job with supportive colleagues, the

wherewithal to pay for counseling and someone good to go to, my

religious faith, and now this group. I don't think I was able to

deal with it emotionally before now because I didn't have the

supports there to handle the pain.

Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt by her, but treat this

woman with compassion if you can.

Helen Marie

[Guest guest]

For many years I had a bit of an attitude about women who went to

all ends to have a child. I don't think I ever said anything to

anyone that was hurtful, but the attitude was there inside.

Although there is no sense in exposing ourselves to harmful

comments, I don't think we should hold ourselves and our feelings

back as sharing yourself and your life may help someone else on

their path.

I don't know if this will help, but I do know now where my attitude

came from. I had that attitude because I had been attacked be a

serial rapist in my early 20s. Although the prosecution as

successful and he went to jail, it was very traumatic

psychologically and I ended up deciding that I would never get

married and therefor never have children. I loved children and men

and just put it all behind me for many years and resigned myself to

my lot in life. I so regret that I didn't go for counseling then,

but I didn't have to social support or the finances to do so, and it

was years before I did have that. Then it took years of counseling

before I met and married my husband. All that time, I flinched just

a bit when I was with children and I had an attitude about women who

pursued motherhood obsessively (as I would have termed it then). I

had that attitude because I hadn't given myself permission to pursue

my own desire for motherhood. I can't really explain my logic, but

at the time it just seemed like everything to do with men was unsafe

and hurtful, and maybe it was OK for other women, but for me it was

unsafe, and we don't get everything we want in life. So, other

women should resign themselves to their lot in life also. But, I

don't think I could have explained that if someone had asked and it

was way too painful for me to look at then.

I have to believe that God really has something in mind for me with

children because I got pregnant the first month my husband and I

lived together at age 42 and somehow have been able to save a

somewhat functional reproductive system despite my medical

problems. However, dealing with my sadness over the past and the

years of being a mother that I have lost, and all of the losses with

the Asherman's and cancer, has been one of the most painful and

difficult things I have ever gone through. I think that the only

reason I have been able to deal with it now is that I have a

wonderful husband, a stable job with supportive colleagues, the

wherewithal to pay for counseling and someone good to go to, my

religious faith, and now this group. I don't think I was able to

deal with it emotionally before now because I didn't have the

supports there to handle the pain.

Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt by her, but treat this

woman with compassion if you can.

Helen Marie

[Guest guest]

Thanks again Helen-Marie,

I think your e-mail highlights the fact that no-one really knows what is in

each other's past which may effect how we feel about particular situations.

I am so sorry you had to suffer the dreadful experiences in your twenties

and am glad you have been able to come to terms with your pain through

counselling and support groups. Your e-mail brought flooding back a memory

from my immediate family - I can't go into details as they are not mine to

give out but it involved a girl of 15 being violently sexually assualted by

a stranger breaking into the home - he was never caught. My mother has

always been against counselling so many issues were brushed under the

carpet - I wonder what long term effects this may have.

I'm sure everyone has some pain in their lives and I'm also sure we all say

things unintentionally that may cause others to feel hurt, particularly when

we are ignorant to all the aspects of each other's lives. I do try to see

the good in people and hope my own experiences have made me more sensitive

to other's feelings - not less sensitive. I hope I can also respect other

people's opinions, but what I do find difficult is remarks that are clearly

intended to cause offence. As I say everyone has pain in their lives but we

don't all try to hurt others because of it.I will do my best to feel

compassion for this person as I'm sure there must be some deep issues there.

I've also just come back from Church so I'm trying to be particularly

understanding!!!

Thanks for your comments and for sharing your experiences which cannot be

easy to think about - you are very brave and I'm so glad you have found ways

of dealing with these challenges in your life.

a

[Guest guest]

Thanks again Helen-Marie,

I think your e-mail highlights the fact that no-one really knows what is in

each other's past which may effect how we feel about particular situations.

I am so sorry you had to suffer the dreadful experiences in your twenties

and am glad you have been able to come to terms with your pain through

counselling and support groups. Your e-mail brought flooding back a memory

from my immediate family - I can't go into details as they are not mine to

give out but it involved a girl of 15 being violently sexually assualted by

a stranger breaking into the home - he was never caught. My mother has

always been against counselling so many issues were brushed under the

carpet - I wonder what long term effects this may have.

I'm sure everyone has some pain in their lives and I'm also sure we all say

things unintentionally that may cause others to feel hurt, particularly when

we are ignorant to all the aspects of each other's lives. I do try to see

the good in people and hope my own experiences have made me more sensitive

to other's feelings - not less sensitive. I hope I can also respect other

people's opinions, but what I do find difficult is remarks that are clearly

intended to cause offence. As I say everyone has pain in their lives but we

don't all try to hurt others because of it.I will do my best to feel

compassion for this person as I'm sure there must be some deep issues there.

I've also just come back from Church so I'm trying to be particularly

understanding!!!

Thanks for your comments and for sharing your experiences which cannot be

easy to think about - you are very brave and I'm so glad you have found ways

of dealing with these challenges in your life.

a

[Guest guest]

Thanks again Helen-Marie,

I think your e-mail highlights the fact that no-one really knows what is in

each other's past which may effect how we feel about particular situations.

I am so sorry you had to suffer the dreadful experiences in your twenties

and am glad you have been able to come to terms with your pain through

counselling and support groups. Your e-mail brought flooding back a memory

from my immediate family - I can't go into details as they are not mine to

give out but it involved a girl of 15 being violently sexually assualted by

a stranger breaking into the home - he was never caught. My mother has

always been against counselling so many issues were brushed under the

carpet - I wonder what long term effects this may have.

I'm sure everyone has some pain in their lives and I'm also sure we all say

things unintentionally that may cause others to feel hurt, particularly when

we are ignorant to all the aspects of each other's lives. I do try to see

the good in people and hope my own experiences have made me more sensitive

to other's feelings - not less sensitive. I hope I can also respect other

people's opinions, but what I do find difficult is remarks that are clearly

intended to cause offence. As I say everyone has pain in their lives but we

don't all try to hurt others because of it.I will do my best to feel

compassion for this person as I'm sure there must be some deep issues there.

I've also just come back from Church so I'm trying to be particularly

understanding!!!

Thanks for your comments and for sharing your experiences which cannot be

easy to think about - you are very brave and I'm so glad you have found ways

of dealing with these challenges in your life.

a

[Guest guest]

I hope you didn't feel that I was being critical of your reactions to

this woman. So often in our society we don't have the opportunity to

see people grow and change over time. So, I guess I was wanting to

say, by way of example, that this woman (hopefully) will work through

her troubles and come to a less angry place, and your belief and

kindness and example may help her to do that. I am so very grateful

for women over the years that have challenged me and helped me.

Also, you mention other people saying that having more than one child

is selfish. I think it is one thing to chose to have one child only,

it is another to have that choice taken away. People who have never

had such a loss may not appreciate the difference.

[Guest guest]

a: I just had to respond to your post about yoru obnoxious and

obviously very unhappy coworker. DO NOT let her bitterness, anger

and general discontent with her own life get you down! I have found

repeatedly that the people in the world that feel it necessary to

humiliate criticize and judge other people are just trying to make

themselves feel better about how unhappy, miserable and petty they

are.

I have been through this multiple times, unfortunately even with my

own immediate family. Until a couple has experienced secondary

infertility, I really don't think they understand how devastating it

is....how much of a loss it is.

Hang in there....I hope you are feeling better about this after a few

days to calm down. I am kind of brazen and have been accused of

being too straight-forward, but if I were you I would confront this

co-worker and let her know her comments were not appreciated. If she

feels the need to judge and berate people, maybe she should start by

looking in the mirror!!

Gwen

[Guest guest]

Gwen,

I have just returned from a trip to the States (I live in UK) so have only

just read your kind and supportive e-mail regarding my co-worker's comments.

I do appreciate all the support I have had from this group and have been

given greater confidence (I hope) in dealing with the situation if it arises

again. I think the trip away has done some good in making me see things

more rationally - I was feeling rather hurt and emotional last week. I still

do feel a little upset when I think of the comments but hope I can deal with

my feelings successfully and have some compassion when I see the woman again

next week for the first time.

Thanks again for your words of kindness,

a

Re: Disbelief