Re: needing a different attitude towards nada and the phone

[Guest guest]

Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next time

your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation. Just

let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that you

need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her for a

while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating with

her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then just

say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over into

voice mail.

Only you know what you can live with, though, and what will be a positive step

forward for you and what would be counterproductive.

-Annie

>

>

> I guess my nada made a real mistake in how she forwarded her calls from her

home phone number. Now. with my dad's help she has fixed it, and my brother

seems to think that if I call my mom I will reach her at the correct number.

Woopee... why do I not want to call her. Wonder why? HA.

>

> Ever since the snow hit our part of the country, my nada is ringing me each

morning, and I never quite reach the phone " in time " . If this were a normal

relationship, I would call her right back. But right now, I confused about

answering because I am not sure what my motivation would be to actually answer

it.

>

> If I am not up yet, my son and husband look at the caller id, see " private

caller " and my husband refuses to answer the call.

>

> I'm looking at my emotions to see what I need to work on. And so far, I don't

want to work on my relationship with nada. So, if I did call her, the motivation

is guilt. Well, I am tempted to wait and learn to deal with my guilt by myself

before talking to her. I would use a meditation practice, because certainly nada

won't relieve me of guilt.

>

> If I remember correctly, my last phone call had some guilt in it, that she was

in denial about... I think she was trying to find me guilty if my son got a

second-rate education, because ALL United States public schools, as we know very

well, are woefully inadequate. Bur I don't want to empower her by agreeing,

when I don't agree with pointing out problems, I like to consider solutions. So,

I just have no interest in talking to nada if she is going to bring up problems

and require that I agree with her. That is just not something I am interested

in.

>

> But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

> PS: I like this quote:

>

> " I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and

abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep

getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. " ~Edith Armstrong

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next time

your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation. Just

let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that you

need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her for a

while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating with

her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then just

say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over into

voice mail.

Only you know what you can live with, though, and what will be a positive step

forward for you and what would be counterproductive.

-Annie

>

>

> I guess my nada made a real mistake in how she forwarded her calls from her

home phone number. Now. with my dad's help she has fixed it, and my brother

seems to think that if I call my mom I will reach her at the correct number.

Woopee... why do I not want to call her. Wonder why? HA.

>

> Ever since the snow hit our part of the country, my nada is ringing me each

morning, and I never quite reach the phone " in time " . If this were a normal

relationship, I would call her right back. But right now, I confused about

answering because I am not sure what my motivation would be to actually answer

it.

>

> If I am not up yet, my son and husband look at the caller id, see " private

caller " and my husband refuses to answer the call.

>

> I'm looking at my emotions to see what I need to work on. And so far, I don't

want to work on my relationship with nada. So, if I did call her, the motivation

is guilt. Well, I am tempted to wait and learn to deal with my guilt by myself

before talking to her. I would use a meditation practice, because certainly nada

won't relieve me of guilt.

>

> If I remember correctly, my last phone call had some guilt in it, that she was

in denial about... I think she was trying to find me guilty if my son got a

second-rate education, because ALL United States public schools, as we know very

well, are woefully inadequate. Bur I don't want to empower her by agreeing,

when I don't agree with pointing out problems, I like to consider solutions. So,

I just have no interest in talking to nada if she is going to bring up problems

and require that I agree with her. That is just not something I am interested

in.

>

> But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

> PS: I like this quote:

>

> " I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and

abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep

getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. " ~Edith Armstrong

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next time

your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation. Just

let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that you

need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her for a

while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating with

her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then just

say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over into

voice mail.

Only you know what you can live with, though, and what will be a positive step

forward for you and what would be counterproductive.

-Annie

>

>

> I guess my nada made a real mistake in how she forwarded her calls from her

home phone number. Now. with my dad's help she has fixed it, and my brother

seems to think that if I call my mom I will reach her at the correct number.

Woopee... why do I not want to call her. Wonder why? HA.

>

> Ever since the snow hit our part of the country, my nada is ringing me each

morning, and I never quite reach the phone " in time " . If this were a normal

relationship, I would call her right back. But right now, I confused about

answering because I am not sure what my motivation would be to actually answer

it.

>

> If I am not up yet, my son and husband look at the caller id, see " private

caller " and my husband refuses to answer the call.

>

> I'm looking at my emotions to see what I need to work on. And so far, I don't

want to work on my relationship with nada. So, if I did call her, the motivation

is guilt. Well, I am tempted to wait and learn to deal with my guilt by myself

before talking to her. I would use a meditation practice, because certainly nada

won't relieve me of guilt.

>

> If I remember correctly, my last phone call had some guilt in it, that she was

in denial about... I think she was trying to find me guilty if my son got a

second-rate education, because ALL United States public schools, as we know very

well, are woefully inadequate. Bur I don't want to empower her by agreeing,

when I don't agree with pointing out problems, I like to consider solutions. So,

I just have no interest in talking to nada if she is going to bring up problems

and require that I agree with her. That is just not something I am interested

in.

>

> But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

> PS: I like this quote:

>

> " I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and

abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep

getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. " ~Edith Armstrong

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I found your post interesting and it really resounds with me. I have a lot of

phone issues too. For me, I stopped answering for a while but put it on silent

or turned it off. Then I called nada or FOO when I felt like it. Making the

call instead of answering the phone helps me a lot. Then I'm in control.

My phone was broken, so I couldn't use it for a couple of weeks while we ironed

the contracts out, etc. It actually turned out really good because people got

out of the habit of talking to me and also appreciated it when I called.

I think a little LC goes a long way for me.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> >

> > But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I found your post interesting and it really resounds with me. I have a lot of

phone issues too. For me, I stopped answering for a while but put it on silent

or turned it off. Then I called nada or FOO when I felt like it. Making the

call instead of answering the phone helps me a lot. Then I'm in control.

My phone was broken, so I couldn't use it for a couple of weeks while we ironed

the contracts out, etc. It actually turned out really good because people got

out of the habit of talking to me and also appreciated it when I called.

I think a little LC goes a long way for me.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> >

> > But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I found your post interesting and it really resounds with me. I have a lot of

phone issues too. For me, I stopped answering for a while but put it on silent

or turned it off. Then I called nada or FOO when I felt like it. Making the

call instead of answering the phone helps me a lot. Then I'm in control.

My phone was broken, so I couldn't use it for a couple of weeks while we ironed

the contracts out, etc. It actually turned out really good because people got

out of the habit of talking to me and also appreciated it when I called.

I think a little LC goes a long way for me.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> >

> > But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

[Guest guest]

I admire the advice to be more direct, and I think counselors tend to encourage

these types of boundaries. For my situation, though, it seems like it works

better for me when I don't make a big deal out of things most of the time. I do

if necessary to state a boundary about what is okay around the kids.

For example, nada talked about depression and wanting to die for a while a lot.

I said, " You canNOT talk about that in front of the kids. It is too scary for

them. " She said oh yeah, you're right. I proceeded to state this strongly and

then cut contact until it stopped. I explained to my son in front of nada that

people get so upset sometimes that they say something like this but don't really

mean it. He was afraid she was going to die and now says stuff like that when

he's upset. Lovely.

BUT regarding LC, it seems to work better when I make it a non-issue. That way

we don't have to play the " what's wrong with Coal Miner game " . Blah blah blah,

why are you mad at me; what did I EVER do... etc. Then let's talk to sis about

it, etc etc etc.

Instead, I'm just busy (easy cause it's true). Don't call a lot. Return calls

when I want to. End of story.

Am I just avoiding something I need to do? Or can I continue LC this way since

it works?

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next time

your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation. Just

let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that you

need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her for a

while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating with

her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then just

say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over into

voice mail.

> >

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

I admire the advice to be more direct, and I think counselors tend to encourage

these types of boundaries. For my situation, though, it seems like it works

better for me when I don't make a big deal out of things most of the time. I do

if necessary to state a boundary about what is okay around the kids.

For example, nada talked about depression and wanting to die for a while a lot.

I said, " You canNOT talk about that in front of the kids. It is too scary for

them. " She said oh yeah, you're right. I proceeded to state this strongly and

then cut contact until it stopped. I explained to my son in front of nada that

people get so upset sometimes that they say something like this but don't really

mean it. He was afraid she was going to die and now says stuff like that when

he's upset. Lovely.

BUT regarding LC, it seems to work better when I make it a non-issue. That way

we don't have to play the " what's wrong with Coal Miner game " . Blah blah blah,

why are you mad at me; what did I EVER do... etc. Then let's talk to sis about

it, etc etc etc.

Instead, I'm just busy (easy cause it's true). Don't call a lot. Return calls

when I want to. End of story.

Am I just avoiding something I need to do? Or can I continue LC this way since

it works?

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next time

your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation. Just

let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that you

need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her for a

while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating with

her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then just

say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over into

voice mail.

> >

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

I admire the advice to be more direct, and I think counselors tend to encourage

these types of boundaries. For my situation, though, it seems like it works

better for me when I don't make a big deal out of things most of the time. I do

if necessary to state a boundary about what is okay around the kids.

For example, nada talked about depression and wanting to die for a while a lot.

I said, " You canNOT talk about that in front of the kids. It is too scary for

them. " She said oh yeah, you're right. I proceeded to state this strongly and

then cut contact until it stopped. I explained to my son in front of nada that

people get so upset sometimes that they say something like this but don't really

mean it. He was afraid she was going to die and now says stuff like that when

he's upset. Lovely.

BUT regarding LC, it seems to work better when I make it a non-issue. That way

we don't have to play the " what's wrong with Coal Miner game " . Blah blah blah,

why are you mad at me; what did I EVER do... etc. Then let's talk to sis about

it, etc etc etc.

Instead, I'm just busy (easy cause it's true). Don't call a lot. Return calls

when I want to. End of story.

Am I just avoiding something I need to do? Or can I continue LC this way since

it works?

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next time

your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation. Just

let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that you

need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her for a

while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating with

her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then just

say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over into

voice mail.

> >

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

If your strategy is working and getting you the results you want, then that's

great! THAT is the point!

You're not being mean, you're not being cruel or vindictive, you've just cut way

back on the frequency and duration of your contact and you've found a way to do

it without hurting nada's feelings. I think that's awesome.

I'm guessing you're wondering if its OK because you're feeling misplaced,

inappropriate guilt, like you own nada an explanation, or you need her approval

or you need her to understand why. But the truth is that no, you don't owe her

an explanation and you don't need her to understand why. If she truly

understood why, exactly, you need to reduce contact with her... you wouldn't

need to reduce contact with her.

I also think that's a very smart strategy to pick your battles and only give

nada one or two " rules " at a time, such as, " No talking about wanting to die

around the children. "

Kudos to you.

-Annie

> >

> > Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next

time your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation.

Just let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that

you need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her

for a while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating

with her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then

just say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over

into voice mail.

> > >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If your strategy is working and getting you the results you want, then that's

great! THAT is the point!

You're not being mean, you're not being cruel or vindictive, you've just cut way

back on the frequency and duration of your contact and you've found a way to do

it without hurting nada's feelings. I think that's awesome.

I'm guessing you're wondering if its OK because you're feeling misplaced,

inappropriate guilt, like you own nada an explanation, or you need her approval

or you need her to understand why. But the truth is that no, you don't owe her

an explanation and you don't need her to understand why. If she truly

understood why, exactly, you need to reduce contact with her... you wouldn't

need to reduce contact with her.

I also think that's a very smart strategy to pick your battles and only give

nada one or two " rules " at a time, such as, " No talking about wanting to die

around the children. "

Kudos to you.

-Annie

> >

> > Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next

time your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation.

Just let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that

you need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her

for a while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating

with her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then

just say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over

into voice mail.

> > >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If your strategy is working and getting you the results you want, then that's

great! THAT is the point!

You're not being mean, you're not being cruel or vindictive, you've just cut way

back on the frequency and duration of your contact and you've found a way to do

it without hurting nada's feelings. I think that's awesome.

I'm guessing you're wondering if its OK because you're feeling misplaced,

inappropriate guilt, like you own nada an explanation, or you need her approval

or you need her to understand why. But the truth is that no, you don't owe her

an explanation and you don't need her to understand why. If she truly

understood why, exactly, you need to reduce contact with her... you wouldn't

need to reduce contact with her.

I also think that's a very smart strategy to pick your battles and only give

nada one or two " rules " at a time, such as, " No talking about wanting to die

around the children. "

Kudos to you.

-Annie

> >

> > Only you can figure out what will work for you. If this was me, the next

time your nada phones you, I'd pick it up, and take charge of the conversation.

Just let her know that you need a " time out " ; as simple as that. Just say that

you need time to process some things on your own without any contact with her

for a while, and you'll let her know when you're ready to resume communicating

with her. (She's not alone and helpless, she can take care of herself.) Then

just say " talk to you later " . Then block her calls or just let them roll over

into voice mail.

> > >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

If you don't want to talk to nada, you don't have to. My husband told me

recently (he's in mental health) that if a stranger treated us this way we

wouldn't feel obligated to subject ourselves to abuse or have a relationship

them. I realized that he was SO right and that helped alleviate the guilty

feelings.

I've recently gotten to the point where I don't answer her calls, e-mail is

preferred since I can say what I need to without debate, or end the call/visit

when (not if) it turns verbally/emotionally abusive. It's my life and I want it

to be happy.

I really like your quote...that's great!

Best,

Grace

>

>

> I guess my nada made a real mistake in how she forwarded her calls from her

home phone number. Now. with my dad's help she has fixed it, and my brother

seems to think that if I call my mom I will reach her at the correct number.

Woopee... why do I not want to call her. Wonder why? HA.

>

> Ever since the snow hit our part of the country, my nada is ringing me each

morning, and I never quite reach the phone " in time " . If this were a normal

relationship, I would call her right back. But right now, I confused about

answering because I am not sure what my motivation would be to actually answer

it.

>

> If I am not up yet, my son and husband look at the caller id, see " private

caller " and my husband refuses to answer the call.

>

> I'm looking at my emotions to see what I need to work on. And so far, I don't

want to work on my relationship with nada. So, if I did call her, the motivation

is guilt. Well, I am tempted to wait and learn to deal with my guilt by myself

before talking to her. I would use a meditation practice, because certainly nada

won't relieve me of guilt.

>

> If I remember correctly, my last phone call had some guilt in it, that she was

in denial about... I think she was trying to find me guilty if my son got a

second-rate education, because ALL United States public schools, as we know very

well, are woefully inadequate. Bur I don't want to empower her by agreeing,

when I don't agree with pointing out problems, I like to consider solutions. So,

I just have no interest in talking to nada if she is going to bring up problems

and require that I agree with her. That is just not something I am interested

in.

>

> But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

> PS: I like this quote:

>

> " I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and

abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep

getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. " ~Edith Armstrong

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

If you don't want to talk to nada, you don't have to. My husband told me

recently (he's in mental health) that if a stranger treated us this way we

wouldn't feel obligated to subject ourselves to abuse or have a relationship

them. I realized that he was SO right and that helped alleviate the guilty

feelings.

I've recently gotten to the point where I don't answer her calls, e-mail is

preferred since I can say what I need to without debate, or end the call/visit

when (not if) it turns verbally/emotionally abusive. It's my life and I want it

to be happy.

I really like your quote...that's great!

Best,

Grace

>

>

> I guess my nada made a real mistake in how she forwarded her calls from her

home phone number. Now. with my dad's help she has fixed it, and my brother

seems to think that if I call my mom I will reach her at the correct number.

Woopee... why do I not want to call her. Wonder why? HA.

>

> Ever since the snow hit our part of the country, my nada is ringing me each

morning, and I never quite reach the phone " in time " . If this were a normal

relationship, I would call her right back. But right now, I confused about

answering because I am not sure what my motivation would be to actually answer

it.

>

> If I am not up yet, my son and husband look at the caller id, see " private

caller " and my husband refuses to answer the call.

>

> I'm looking at my emotions to see what I need to work on. And so far, I don't

want to work on my relationship with nada. So, if I did call her, the motivation

is guilt. Well, I am tempted to wait and learn to deal with my guilt by myself

before talking to her. I would use a meditation practice, because certainly nada

won't relieve me of guilt.

>

> If I remember correctly, my last phone call had some guilt in it, that she was

in denial about... I think she was trying to find me guilty if my son got a

second-rate education, because ALL United States public schools, as we know very

well, are woefully inadequate. Bur I don't want to empower her by agreeing,

when I don't agree with pointing out problems, I like to consider solutions. So,

I just have no interest in talking to nada if she is going to bring up problems

and require that I agree with her. That is just not something I am interested

in.

>

> But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

> PS: I like this quote:

>

> " I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and

abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep

getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. " ~Edith Armstrong

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

If you don't want to talk to nada, you don't have to. My husband told me

recently (he's in mental health) that if a stranger treated us this way we

wouldn't feel obligated to subject ourselves to abuse or have a relationship

them. I realized that he was SO right and that helped alleviate the guilty

feelings.

I've recently gotten to the point where I don't answer her calls, e-mail is

preferred since I can say what I need to without debate, or end the call/visit

when (not if) it turns verbally/emotionally abusive. It's my life and I want it

to be happy.

I really like your quote...that's great!

Best,

Grace

>

>

> I guess my nada made a real mistake in how she forwarded her calls from her

home phone number. Now. with my dad's help she has fixed it, and my brother

seems to think that if I call my mom I will reach her at the correct number.

Woopee... why do I not want to call her. Wonder why? HA.

>

> Ever since the snow hit our part of the country, my nada is ringing me each

morning, and I never quite reach the phone " in time " . If this were a normal

relationship, I would call her right back. But right now, I confused about

answering because I am not sure what my motivation would be to actually answer

it.

>

> If I am not up yet, my son and husband look at the caller id, see " private

caller " and my husband refuses to answer the call.

>

> I'm looking at my emotions to see what I need to work on. And so far, I don't

want to work on my relationship with nada. So, if I did call her, the motivation

is guilt. Well, I am tempted to wait and learn to deal with my guilt by myself

before talking to her. I would use a meditation practice, because certainly nada

won't relieve me of guilt.

>

> If I remember correctly, my last phone call had some guilt in it, that she was

in denial about... I think she was trying to find me guilty if my son got a

second-rate education, because ALL United States public schools, as we know very

well, are woefully inadequate. Bur I don't want to empower her by agreeing,

when I don't agree with pointing out problems, I like to consider solutions. So,

I just have no interest in talking to nada if she is going to bring up problems

and require that I agree with her. That is just not something I am interested

in.

>

> But is there a reason to call her that would be healthy, that I have power

over in conversing with her? That would make answering the phone call a

positive thing? From the stand point of being a child of a borderline.... what

motives are GOOD motives... for you to know when it is " good " to answer the

phone? I feel like when I am healed I can answer the phone. Otherwise I am just

re-triggered, when I experience nada playing the same old games, and totally in

denial about it!

>

> Best,

>

> PS: I like this quote:

>

> " I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and

abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep

getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. " ~Edith Armstrong

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Finally I've had some quality time to respond!

Thanks for the thoughts Annie. Helpful. New steps in being a full-fledged,

card-carrying adult. It is very true that only I can figure out what will work

for me. Yet, I know that talking things over with others who have had similar

problems, is an essential part of becoming healthy. Too much I have done on my

own, too creatively, too emphatically And so I shall keep reaching out.

After all, my mom rang again this morning, and at some point I need to answer or

write a note, telling her of my intentions. I may be rocking the boat, but the

boat already has leaks. I want to finally give myself permission NOT to be

afraid to point out where the leaks are, and that I need to take a spiritual

health break.

I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

Blessings..

~V

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry, it sounds like my post came across as a dismissive " figure it out

yourself " . What I had hoped to convey is that I can only offer what has worked

for me, or how I would handle a given situation, and what works for you might be

quite different. Mostly I wanted to convey that I don't have " the " answer. I

think there can be more than one good or workable way to solve a problem, and

its very individual, which is why its so great to share our experiences and

insights here; they're so varied!

It sounds to me like you are well on your way to figuring out what will work for

you, and that's wonderful!

-Annie

>

> Finally I've had some quality time to respond!

>

> Thanks for the thoughts Annie. Helpful. New steps in being a full-fledged,

card-carrying adult. It is very true that only I can figure out what will work

for me. Yet, I know that talking things over with others who have had similar

problems, is an essential part of becoming healthy. Too much I have done on my

own, too creatively, too emphatically And so I shall keep reaching out.

>

> After all, my mom rang again this morning, and at some point I need to answer

or write a note, telling her of my intentions. I may be rocking the boat, but

the boat already has leaks. I want to finally give myself permission NOT to be

afraid to point out where the leaks are, and that I need to take a spiritual

health break.

>

> I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

>

> Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

>

> Blessings..

> ~V

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry, it sounds like my post came across as a dismissive " figure it out

yourself " . What I had hoped to convey is that I can only offer what has worked

for me, or how I would handle a given situation, and what works for you might be

quite different. Mostly I wanted to convey that I don't have " the " answer. I

think there can be more than one good or workable way to solve a problem, and

its very individual, which is why its so great to share our experiences and

insights here; they're so varied!

It sounds to me like you are well on your way to figuring out what will work for

you, and that's wonderful!

-Annie

>

> Finally I've had some quality time to respond!

>

> Thanks for the thoughts Annie. Helpful. New steps in being a full-fledged,

card-carrying adult. It is very true that only I can figure out what will work

for me. Yet, I know that talking things over with others who have had similar

problems, is an essential part of becoming healthy. Too much I have done on my

own, too creatively, too emphatically And so I shall keep reaching out.

>

> After all, my mom rang again this morning, and at some point I need to answer

or write a note, telling her of my intentions. I may be rocking the boat, but

the boat already has leaks. I want to finally give myself permission NOT to be

afraid to point out where the leaks are, and that I need to take a spiritual

health break.

>

> I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

>

> Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

>

> Blessings..

> ~V

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry, it sounds like my post came across as a dismissive " figure it out

yourself " . What I had hoped to convey is that I can only offer what has worked

for me, or how I would handle a given situation, and what works for you might be

quite different. Mostly I wanted to convey that I don't have " the " answer. I

think there can be more than one good or workable way to solve a problem, and

its very individual, which is why its so great to share our experiences and

insights here; they're so varied!

It sounds to me like you are well on your way to figuring out what will work for

you, and that's wonderful!

-Annie

>

> Finally I've had some quality time to respond!

>

> Thanks for the thoughts Annie. Helpful. New steps in being a full-fledged,

card-carrying adult. It is very true that only I can figure out what will work

for me. Yet, I know that talking things over with others who have had similar

problems, is an essential part of becoming healthy. Too much I have done on my

own, too creatively, too emphatically And so I shall keep reaching out.

>

> After all, my mom rang again this morning, and at some point I need to answer

or write a note, telling her of my intentions. I may be rocking the boat, but

the boat already has leaks. I want to finally give myself permission NOT to be

afraid to point out where the leaks are, and that I need to take a spiritual

health break.

>

> I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

>

> Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

>

> Blessings..

> ~V

>

[Guest guest]

PERFECT Annie!!!

BPD in a nutshell? :-)

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>If she truly understood why, exactly, you need to reduce contact with her...

you wouldn't need to reduce contact with her.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

PERFECT Annie!!!

BPD in a nutshell? :-)

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>If she truly understood why, exactly, you need to reduce contact with her...

you wouldn't need to reduce contact with her.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi V,

Good job deciding to make a direct boundary; I wish I could do that. There are

things I would like to say to all of them (the FOO).

What do you mean about this thread being just for you and the bell-curve thing?

Forgive me if I am being obtuse; just not sure what you meant here and would

like to know.

p.s. Could you let us know how you state it to her and how it goes (if you feel

comfortable to)?

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

>

> Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

>

> Blessings..

> ~V

>

[Guest guest]

Hi V,

Good job deciding to make a direct boundary; I wish I could do that. There are

things I would like to say to all of them (the FOO).

What do you mean about this thread being just for you and the bell-curve thing?

Forgive me if I am being obtuse; just not sure what you meant here and would

like to know.

p.s. Could you let us know how you state it to her and how it goes (if you feel

comfortable to)?

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

>

> Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

>

> Blessings..

> ~V

>

[Guest guest]

V, I love this quote from you:

" I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card

game she designed, using a marked deck... " .  Great way to put it........!!

Alastriona

Subject: Re: needing a different attitude towards nada and

the phone

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 17, 2011, 2:19 PM

Finally I've had some quality time to respond!

Thanks for the thoughts Annie. Helpful. New steps in being a full-fledged,

card-carrying adult.  It is very true that only I can figure out what will work

for me. Yet, I know that talking things over with others who have had similar

problems, is an essential part of becoming healthy. Too much I have done on my

own, too creatively, too emphatically  And so I shall keep reaching out.

After all, my mom rang again this morning, and at some point I need to answer or

write a note, telling her of my intentions. I may be rocking the boat, but the

boat already has leaks. I want to finally give myself permission NOT to be

afraid to point out where the leaks are, and that I need to take a spiritual

health break.

I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

Blessings..

~V

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

V, I love this quote from you:

" I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card

game she designed, using a marked deck... " .  Great way to put it........!!

Alastriona

Subject: Re: needing a different attitude towards nada and

the phone

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 17, 2011, 2:19 PM

Finally I've had some quality time to respond!

Thanks for the thoughts Annie. Helpful. New steps in being a full-fledged,

card-carrying adult.  It is very true that only I can figure out what will work

for me. Yet, I know that talking things over with others who have had similar

problems, is an essential part of becoming healthy. Too much I have done on my

own, too creatively, too emphatically  And so I shall keep reaching out.

After all, my mom rang again this morning, and at some point I need to answer or

write a note, telling her of my intentions. I may be rocking the boat, but the

boat already has leaks. I want to finally give myself permission NOT to be

afraid to point out where the leaks are, and that I need to take a spiritual

health break.

I need to stop sitting down at the table with nada, playing a card game she

designed, using a marked deck!

Thanks again for caring enough to read. I know responses only come when folks

feel a person's post speaks to their needs. So, obviously this thread was just

for me, and I can accept that's where I am in the bell-curve of needs being

expressed here.

Blessings..

~V

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)