Re: nada's opinion of therapy & another memory

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I don't know if it was legally abuse, but how about just bad parenting? I think

a lot of times about stuff my dad did (he's the nonBPD ex-spouse), and while I

don't think it was abuse, it did hurt me and leave an impression on me that

affected me throughout my life until I recognized it. I think all parents do

things from time to time, without realizing, that can affect their children

negatively throughout their lives and would just be considered " bad parenting " .

Like my dad commenting (and I can't even remember the words) when I was 14 about

my size. I was NOT fat by any means, I think he was just joking about me filling

out, but I became compulsively obsessed with being fat a age 14 and started

doing workout videos. I was 5'3 and around 100lbs. He didn't mean anything by

it, and to this day probably wouldn't even remember it if I said something--but

yes, it was not the best display of good, nurturing parentings skills. And if I

had a regular mother, it probably wouldn't even have affected me, but I didn't.

I had a mother who refused to teach me about " female " things and was intimidated

that I had developed a womanly (but not large) shape at the age of 14. So since

nada made me feel ashamed about it, and my dad made some offhand comment...

Parenting is such a huge responsibility--the smallest thing can totally screw up

a young mind.

Can we all just come out and say it? We had BAD parents.

>

> So a couple of things just randomly popped into my mind today. I remember

> at one point, I was probably 16 - 19 years old, I told nada I wanted to go

> to therapy. She looked at me with that cocky look & scoffed, " Why? So you

> can make ME look like a bad mother? No. "

>

> I'm realizing just how BPD this is of her... once again, she took something

> that was about me and made it about her. It reminds me of what we're going

> through with fiance's likely BPD ex wife and their kids' therapy. Oy.

> Also, it makes me wonder if somewhere deep down inside her she KNOWS she

> abused me.

>

> I also think I recovered a memory today. It's been surfacing kind of slowly

> in broken pieces and now more of it is coming together.

>

> When I was 3, my parents divorced. Nada & I lived with her mother, my

> grandnada (GN here). This memory, I was about 4 or 5 and all I could

> remember at first was screaming & crying in my room at GN's house... then I

> remembered related guilt. Finally it came together.

>

> I was 4 or 5 and I was throwing a tantrum as kids that age tend to do. Nada

> spanked me royally and sent me to my room at GN's house. I was crying &

> screaming because I was hurting, probably angry and sad. I have no idea

> what caused the tantrum. Anyway. I wouldn't stop crying & throwing my

> tantrum, and GN told nada to take my little tape recorder and record me

> throwing a fit and to make me listen to it later. I remember I was lying

> near the bedroom door and I could hear them talking. At this point, before

> their plot to record me, I was starting to calm down and was just crying

> quietly to myself. Well when nada came down the hall yelling that she had

> the tape recorder & was going to record my fit, I started yelling even more

> because I so did NOT want her to do that. Well, she did it anyway. After

> a while I calmed down and just lay on the floor for a while until I fell

> asleep. Nada woke me up a little later and I was fine. Then she dragged me

> to the dining room and made me listen to that tape. I begged her to stop it

> because I was feeling embarrassed and guilty but she made me listen to it

> anyway. Of course, then I started crying again.

>

> This memory puts a knot in my stomach, like it's " off " . It also makes me

> feel embarrassed! (weird), But to be completely honest I'm not sure it's

> entirely wrong/abusive? I think so, but I wonder. Just another example of

> a KO not knowing if something was abusive or not. No clue. Was wondering

> what you guys thought? I know I would never do that to my step kids, never.

> But again, left wondering.

>

> Thoughts? Ty.

>

> Mia

>

>

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