Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 , I have no words of advice, only to tell you that I feel your pain. I've gone pretty much NC with my nada--although if she called my cell phone, I would probably call her back--so I guess it's extremely LC. But I do miss chatting with her. I miss telling her things. But now I see all her responses and behavior, and I'm second guessing every conversation we've ever had and seeing the manipulation. But I do miss her, or at least, the delusion of a mother that I had. > > I had a rough night and lately, I'd say the last week, I've been struggling with missing my mom who's been " punishing me " by " giving me what I want " which is " no contact " with her. This stemmed from her being ridiculously clingy (as in insisting I sleep in her bed with her, hold her hand, spend all my time literally with her over the Christmas holiday) and I told her that she was being " smothering " - so she's " given me what I want, no contact with her " which was nice for me for a few weeks, but now it's causing me anxiety b/c I feel like if I try to reestablish contact then she's " won " and if I don't this will continue to escalate. > > I am fortunate enough (in a way) that I was never bore the brunt of my mother's wicked queen times until my father passed away 2.5 years ago. My mother certainly had her wicked days frequently, but I was so programmed to do exactly what she wanted that I NEVER ONCE disobeyed her until I was 26 years old...so I'd get her wrath from messing up when I was younger (for not having my sock drawer properly organized, or something else unrealistic) but I've never really seen the extent of the rage until recently and it is BAD. > > I usually benefitted from her thinking I was the " angel " and benefitting from the lavish praise and gifts she'd give me. So it is hard in this time of NC for me to not remember the many many good times we had as I was growing up b/c even though it wasn't normal or right for her to control me the way she did - I didn't know any better and those seem like happy memories to me. > > Obviously I don't want to go back to that, but I do want to try to get in to a middle ground. I know a lot of you are NC with your BPD relatives and I completely understand how that can be the best solution, but I don't think it is for me at this point and I don't know what to do. > > thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 It's so very difficult to be where you are. I'm so sorry. Maybe you can try talking to her and setting some boundaries but its so hard because they don't seem to be able to comprehend middle ground. things and people seem to be all good or all bad and if you won't demonstrate love on her terms, you may end up being all bad. Its just so very hard to say. I would love to be able to have nada in my life but I absolutely can't. I miss having a mother in my life. I do not miss my mother. Its terrible to say but it is the truth. I sincerely hope that you can find a way to get something you find valuable in the relationship and that you are able to set good and healthy boundaries with your mother. Try to think positive, you never know - you might be able to come to some sort of agreement. It's really up to you to decide if it is her you miss or having a real healthy mother. For me, I know, I do not have a healthy mother and inviting her back into my life means I must give consent to her abuse. I just can't and won't as wrong as that might be. I really, really wish you the best. Hang in there. I know you can do the right thing for you. Jaie > > I had a rough night and lately, I'd say the last week, I've been struggling with missing my mom who's been " punishing me " by " giving me what I want " which is " no contact " with her. This stemmed from her being ridiculously clingy (as in insisting I sleep in her bed with her, hold her hand, spend all my time literally with her over the Christmas holiday) and I told her that she was being " smothering " - so she's " given me what I want, no contact with her " which was nice for me for a few weeks, but now it's causing me anxiety b/c I feel like if I try to reestablish contact then she's " won " and if I don't this will continue to escalate. > > I am fortunate enough (in a way) that I was never bore the brunt of my mother's wicked queen times until my father passed away 2.5 years ago. My mother certainly had her wicked days frequently, but I was so programmed to do exactly what she wanted that I NEVER ONCE disobeyed her until I was 26 years old...so I'd get her wrath from messing up when I was younger (for not having my sock drawer properly organized, or something else unrealistic) but I've never really seen the extent of the rage until recently and it is BAD. > > I usually benefitted from her thinking I was the " angel " and benefitting from the lavish praise and gifts she'd give me. So it is hard in this time of NC for me to not remember the many many good times we had as I was growing up b/c even though it wasn't normal or right for her to control me the way she did - I didn't know any better and those seem like happy memories to me. > > Obviously I don't want to go back to that, but I do want to try to get in to a middle ground. I know a lot of you are NC with your BPD relatives and I completely understand how that can be the best solution, but I don't think it is for me at this point and I don't know what to do. > > thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 It's so very difficult to be where you are. I'm so sorry. Maybe you can try talking to her and setting some boundaries but its so hard because they don't seem to be able to comprehend middle ground. things and people seem to be all good or all bad and if you won't demonstrate love on her terms, you may end up being all bad. Its just so very hard to say. I would love to be able to have nada in my life but I absolutely can't. I miss having a mother in my life. I do not miss my mother. Its terrible to say but it is the truth. I sincerely hope that you can find a way to get something you find valuable in the relationship and that you are able to set good and healthy boundaries with your mother. Try to think positive, you never know - you might be able to come to some sort of agreement. It's really up to you to decide if it is her you miss or having a real healthy mother. For me, I know, I do not have a healthy mother and inviting her back into my life means I must give consent to her abuse. I just can't and won't as wrong as that might be. I really, really wish you the best. Hang in there. I know you can do the right thing for you. Jaie > > I had a rough night and lately, I'd say the last week, I've been struggling with missing my mom who's been " punishing me " by " giving me what I want " which is " no contact " with her. This stemmed from her being ridiculously clingy (as in insisting I sleep in her bed with her, hold her hand, spend all my time literally with her over the Christmas holiday) and I told her that she was being " smothering " - so she's " given me what I want, no contact with her " which was nice for me for a few weeks, but now it's causing me anxiety b/c I feel like if I try to reestablish contact then she's " won " and if I don't this will continue to escalate. > > I am fortunate enough (in a way) that I was never bore the brunt of my mother's wicked queen times until my father passed away 2.5 years ago. My mother certainly had her wicked days frequently, but I was so programmed to do exactly what she wanted that I NEVER ONCE disobeyed her until I was 26 years old...so I'd get her wrath from messing up when I was younger (for not having my sock drawer properly organized, or something else unrealistic) but I've never really seen the extent of the rage until recently and it is BAD. > > I usually benefitted from her thinking I was the " angel " and benefitting from the lavish praise and gifts she'd give me. So it is hard in this time of NC for me to not remember the many many good times we had as I was growing up b/c even though it wasn't normal or right for her to control me the way she did - I didn't know any better and those seem like happy memories to me. > > Obviously I don't want to go back to that, but I do want to try to get in to a middle ground. I know a lot of you are NC with your BPD relatives and I completely understand how that can be the best solution, but I don't think it is for me at this point and I don't know what to do. > > thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 It's so very difficult to be where you are. I'm so sorry. Maybe you can try talking to her and setting some boundaries but its so hard because they don't seem to be able to comprehend middle ground. things and people seem to be all good or all bad and if you won't demonstrate love on her terms, you may end up being all bad. Its just so very hard to say. I would love to be able to have nada in my life but I absolutely can't. I miss having a mother in my life. I do not miss my mother. Its terrible to say but it is the truth. I sincerely hope that you can find a way to get something you find valuable in the relationship and that you are able to set good and healthy boundaries with your mother. Try to think positive, you never know - you might be able to come to some sort of agreement. It's really up to you to decide if it is her you miss or having a real healthy mother. For me, I know, I do not have a healthy mother and inviting her back into my life means I must give consent to her abuse. I just can't and won't as wrong as that might be. I really, really wish you the best. Hang in there. I know you can do the right thing for you. Jaie > > I had a rough night and lately, I'd say the last week, I've been struggling with missing my mom who's been " punishing me " by " giving me what I want " which is " no contact " with her. This stemmed from her being ridiculously clingy (as in insisting I sleep in her bed with her, hold her hand, spend all my time literally with her over the Christmas holiday) and I told her that she was being " smothering " - so she's " given me what I want, no contact with her " which was nice for me for a few weeks, but now it's causing me anxiety b/c I feel like if I try to reestablish contact then she's " won " and if I don't this will continue to escalate. > > I am fortunate enough (in a way) that I was never bore the brunt of my mother's wicked queen times until my father passed away 2.5 years ago. My mother certainly had her wicked days frequently, but I was so programmed to do exactly what she wanted that I NEVER ONCE disobeyed her until I was 26 years old...so I'd get her wrath from messing up when I was younger (for not having my sock drawer properly organized, or something else unrealistic) but I've never really seen the extent of the rage until recently and it is BAD. > > I usually benefitted from her thinking I was the " angel " and benefitting from the lavish praise and gifts she'd give me. So it is hard in this time of NC for me to not remember the many many good times we had as I was growing up b/c even though it wasn't normal or right for her to control me the way she did - I didn't know any better and those seem like happy memories to me. > > Obviously I don't want to go back to that, but I do want to try to get in to a middle ground. I know a lot of you are NC with your BPD relatives and I completely understand how that can be the best solution, but I don't think it is for me at this point and I don't know what to do. > > thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.