I'm back again...

[Guest guest]

So I've been a part of this group since Oct. 2007. I was like a mad man on here

for the first year and a half or so, but as time went by, I started to only make

sporadic visits to this board....not sure what exactly has drawn me here

tonight, except for the fact that I've been thinking about nada a lot lately.

Perhaps it's the holidays, and a new year.

I was NC with my nada for almost 2 years for the most part, then we re-connected

again about this time last year. Until last July, things were going pretty good.

She found out that I have a relationship with my father and has told me that she

wants no relationship with me until I " come to my senses " and stop talking to my

father and his family.

My father was absent from my life for about 15 years. Some of that was his

fault, some of it was nada's fault, which I didn't realize that until I

reconnected with my dad. She had always told me that he just wanted nothing to

do with me. Not true.

Anyways, I have a sister, 3 years younger than me. She is 23 years old (I'll be

27 in a few weeks). When I first started realizing mom might be BPD, my sister

was very aware of the problems. I don't see this as a situation where sides need

to be taken, but for a while, she was on my side (for lack of better

expression). Then one day she started saying things in nada's defense. We agreed

to disagree for a long time, then when nada got mad at me for seeing my dad, my

sister got mad at me as well and refuses to have anything to do with me.

I have come to an acceptance finally about my nada. I have accepted that I will

probably NEVER have a relationship with her, and that if I do, it won't be

normal or relaxed at all.

I feel like I need to have some sort of acceptance with my sister, I need to

decide if I will continue trying to be her friend while subtly being rejected by

her. I need to close her out of my life completely so that my heart will stop

lamenting for her.

People have told me to wait...that she might come around someday. I do not want

to have that hope anymore, because it is much too painful.

I can't say I don't understand my sister's position in all this. I have been the

" all good " child before, and have berated her in the past for upsetting mom, and

tried to talk her into doing whatever it took to please nada. I have apologized

for this several times in our adult lives. My sister is her own person and makes

her own decisions, however, I know what the consequences are when you aren't on

mom's side.

She even resorted to changing her last name to our mother's maiden name just to

make a statement against me and our father.

I have a mixture of sadness and anger, mostly anger. I am angry at my sister for

severing what could be a wonderful relationship between sisters.

I am angry at my mom, even though I have acceptance of my situation with her. I

am angry that she is depriving me of having a mother in my life. She is also

depriving me of having a sister in my life. I feel cheated and deprived.

Overall, I'm doing fine for myself. Im just so angry, and I don't know how to

completely move on. The kicker here, is that my sister works at the same place I

do. She is a receptionist for my company (a job I strived to help her to get,

since they traditionally don't like to hire family). It is painful to see her

face 5 times a week, and to see her look at me with such hatred and contempt, or

sometimes not at all.

I have invested 5 years at this company and have made quite a nice career for

myself. I'm not leaving.

I guess I'm not asking any questions here, I just felt the need to get this off

my chest to people who truly understand the mess of having a BPD mom who makes a

mess out of the entire family.

My sister is the only blood relative that even talks to nada. Doesn't that say

something?

~Sara Jo