Should I tell my Mum I think she has BPD?

[Guest guest]

Hi there.

I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going through

a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown two years

ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high suicide risk.

He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered, through pscychiatry

and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I too have been being

treated for depression for years. It is through his treatment though that we

have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary carer).

She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept that

there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and (because

she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is doing so

in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time and wants

to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I feel that

the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I am honest

with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have a

complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning a

wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many

times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he

had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

Any advice out there?!?