Cheryl Re: New Year Blues

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your message. You have reminded me through your sharing

of physical ailments why I probably suffer in part. I too was well

the words I would choose are, selfish, inmature and very angry at

life. It could be the anger that brought my health and me to my knees

and unlike you I have not learned to let go of it yet even though I

know it's killing me and that makes me more angry.

I have gone through the lessons of knowing that pain refined me and

have grown deep empathy for all things through it for everything

except myself that is an oxymoron I presume but I have. I am angry at

my relationships in my life that seem unresolvable. I've had several

loving people in this group try to help me before and they surely

did for the time being. I am the type that needs to be reminded

constantly and I believe mostly due to the fact that I am in such

intense pain and have been for so many years. This type of pain wears

a person at a level that cannot be described. I know many people here

and maybe even you are living the same thing, the drugs are killing

me.

I read the soul descriptions today and was very astounded to find I

fit in the mature soul catergory lmao almost precisely. I find that

odd because someone as whiney and confused and lost as I am well it

doesn't go along with maturity and it's a phase I can't wait to move

out of. If death brings me into the old soul phase into another life

I will have earned it.. I don't believe in reincarnation but then

again I don't disbelief it either. I am getting of track here.

I can't imagine losing my mother at the age you did. My mother was in

an accident when I was 10 and since then I have endured being ready

to lose her at any given year. That type of hyper vigilence is what

causes me to be the way I am. Well I am now 45 years old in a few

days. I guess I can stop worrying and be thankful for the years I

have had with her. A Quad like her is not suppose to live past 12

years. My mother has been the constant in my life through every pain

I endured mostly abusive relationships. I moved away from her for 6

years to try and break the CODEPENDANCE and I felt like my soul was

dying. I new I had to move back home. I guess after helping her

mother die and now her brother that fear is staring me down hard. If

I could just get myself to believe in the after life again like I did

before my grandmother died I would rest easy. My beliefs and gifts

were not something she could understand and now I have lost mine in

part because of her new beliefs. Her studies of current and old

theologians who have found that Jesus was not what we think he was,

that the bible is incorrect in many areas led her to a more indepth

study. She claims there is no way to know of an after life. She

remains stoic to gifts of any kind and I don't sense any love of

spirit flowing from her though she is a very loving and giving

person. Her studies are so bound in fact it has tore asunder my own

and left me doubting everything I believed. She is a phsycologist of

sorts, masters degree.

Getting to the big picture my mother is my true soul mate. I need to

know I will be with her again and I won't rest easy until I do know.

I might not come to that until she is long gone...sigh.

Thank you again for sharing what you have it really has helped me

remember a few things. Huggs,