Truth and Love (Self-Love)Can Set You Free

[Guest guest]

I wrote this article anonymously that I was just notified got published on

another website. Whoo Hoo. Sharing here for information purposes. Being stuck

in the angry part is a good part of the journey but staying there indefinitely

is unhealthy and toxic for us. Striving to move to the other part of the

journey, " acceptance " and " self-love " is a really good place to get to.

Truth and Love (Self-Love)Can Set You Free

© 2011 Jaie Hart

I am the first born of an alcoholic and behavior undiagnosed as agoraphobic

father and an alcoholic and behavior undiagnosed as a borderline personality

disorder (BPD) mother. I was the hero that took care of everyone -- mom, dad and

my younger brother. Interestingly enough it wasn't until after I had a marriage

to a bi-polar/alcoholic/drug addict, immediately followed by a relationship with

someone who's behavior matched those of one diagnosed with narcissistic

personality disorder (NPD) and a near break down with my assumed borderline

personality mother that I finally realized my own hand in my own undoing.

I learned the root of all of my evils began with the lies, neglect and verbal

abuse suffered as a child. I then grew into a full-fledged co-dependent as an

adult carrying the lies, guilt and shame a co-dependent holds onto in secret.

Then, after having the bi-polar destroy me emotionally (but I allowed it) and

then the NPD (really stick the knife in deep and twist it repeatedly and I still

allowed it) and then the BPD mother stalk me to emotional upheaval and final

devastation (which I continued to allow trying to be the good dutiful daughter

and win her love to no avail) that I decided, " Wait a minute! This is just too

insane. A bad movie couldn't even be written about my life and yet its happening

to me right now! "

Through books, therapy and support groups I learned to focus on my own behavior.

I learned to think about who I was and what I wanted. I learned to heal and

strive to let go of the trauma suffered as a child, a young woman and

full-fledged adult. I realized I may have become who my parents raised me to be

but if I stayed that way it was not their fault but mine. Yeah, I shouldn't have

had to deal with abuse and neglect growing up, but I did. I should have paid

better attention to the external symptoms of my own co-dependency, but I didn't

know any better.

When I learned that my only responsibility in this world was to take care of

myself and my own happiness and that it was my right in this world to be loved

and appreciated for who I really am deep down inside no matter who I did or

didn't work very hard to please, things changed. I changed and now I can spot

bad behavior in others very quickly and I'm getting so much faster about

responding instead of reacting to it. Oh, I react first...I just bite my tongue

until I'm centered and can think about what it is I'm struggling with feeling

and wanting to say. Then I go back and respond, address MY feelings about

behavior I see before me. Its hard but if people can't deal with it, they can

get out of my life and I don't care if they go. I'll miss them but I won't miss

bad behavior. I'd rather be alone than in bad company and that includes

dysfunctional family members!

I've begun to disassemble the lies I was taught growing up - I'm unworthy,

should always be ashamed to be who I am, should be guilty for not doing more for

my BDP mother who remains abusive to this day. The conclusion that I've come to

is everyone has decisions to make about their behavior. I've chosen to take care

of me and who ever doesn't like it can just move on. I refuse to tolerate abuse.

I refuse to think so little of myself that I would allow a family member,

romantic partner or friend treat me as unworthy, inflict abuse and insult me and

expect me to fall all over myself trying to rescue or please them.

I've let go of that nagging worry about what other people think and started

asking myself, " What do YOU think? " It has changed my life. The only person's

opinion in the world I need to validate me and my behavior is me. I'm a good

person (thank God) and I know right from wrong (again, Thank God) and I trust

me, love me and can validate myself. I've become compassionate and understanding

due to the way I grew up so in a way, I'm very grateful even though it was hard.

Whatever discovery it is you struggle with on this journey, know that you can

over-come it if you love yourself, let the truth rise to the surface and take

whatever steps are necessary to heal. God bless!