Gender attack ---- and how does nada choose the golden

[Guest guest]

So guys, i know I've brought this up before. And T and I are discussing it

in an ongoing conversation. . . but did anyone else's nada hate them because

of their gender?

My FOO only had 2 living children. A boy and a girl (me). And nada said all

the time in a sappy syrup voice " you are the baby girl I always wanted. "

Finally in my 20s I responded to the baby girl I always wanted thing with,

no, i don't think i am, I think that's a lie. And nada said, " Oh, you are

right, I had something else in mind for a daughter, not so spiney, strong

willed and bitchy. " Or something like that. And she never said that hated

phrase to me again.

My older brother was golden from the moment I came home from the hospital,

just hours old. i was the family hero, caregiver, scapegoat, hated child,

reject, odd man out, daddy's little helper, hostess, basically the real wife

and mom role etc but never ever once was I golden. it sounds like a lot of

nadas chage their minds about who is golden day to day. Mine didn't.

I think a huge factor in me being painted black was simply my gender. Nada

did not like other women. They were the competition. She didn't have " real "

girlfriends. She had rescuers instead. She attacked my femininity at every

turn. She tried to make me look and act like a boy.

I think I confused my T when I said I think I have a gender identity

problem. She thought I mean that I think I'm a man or something. No, no, I'm

100% woman, I'm as girly a girly girl as the come (except I love bugs and

snakes and I'm not a pansy). But, the gender identity issue is with

believing its not okay to be so feminine. That it makes you less than. That

its a negative trait. Part of me knows its a wonderful trait, but the little

girl deep inside is ashamed.

And it doesn't help me at all when men sexually harass me at the office. Or

when my boss can't stop touching my hair and telling me to brush it or

confine it to a pony tail (I find that so unproffsional by the way). Or when

my boss tells me I should wear pants and not let the world see my legs,

which in the next breath she exclaims are beautiful (letting know that its

jealousy talking, not professional decorum. (And by the way, I don't wear

uber short or tight clothing to work. if I did I guess I could understand

it. Even then, I'd prefer the quality of my work be the focus, rather than

my legs.)

My point is, I think we live in a strange world. You are damned if you are

attractive. And you are damned if you are unattractive. And the fact that we

are men who want to be women, women who want to be men, gay, straight,

bisexual or just plain in a committed relationship for a long time (me)

gives people material to attack. (And yes, I do come up against resistance

and jealousy simply because i have a great relationship with my boyfriend.

My T says it is uncommon and amazing that with my childhood i could form

such a close and healing bond.)

Why do they attack for any old trait? Why not save it for a missed deadline

or a screwed up assignment or an unhappy customer? Or in the case of parents

save it for gettng arrested, earning a " C " or " D " (I always got in trouble

for Bs by the way, bugged the shit out of nada that I was a better student

than her), getting pregnant at age 15, or needing to enter a rehab. Why

attack a child who has done nothing but be female? But wait, I'm a model

employee and my assignments are done on time and my clients are very

happy. I was the same way as a kid, I had dinner on the table when dad got

home from work, I always got in trouble for cleaning the house because I

might move something of nada's, I worked hard and took care of everyone in

the house. Well, that doesn't leave them much to pick on, does it? And it

makes them feel more threatened because they are the boss or " mom " but can't

do the job as well or with as little drama as I can and I don't even ask for

the credit.

UGH sometimes I hate people. . .