Considering going NC- needing input, thoughts

[Guest guest]

So-

Long story short, my mother is BPD with narcissistic tendencies. She's always

been this way but it hasn't been until the last couple of years that myself,

twin sister and older sister have been able to pinpoint it.

When I was 15, my stepfather molested me. I'm not minimizing the situation but,

unlike many victims who live with years of abuse- " it " only happened to me

twice.

I know that what he did was terribly wrong but my mother and his relationship

wasn't good- sexually. Of course, she would fill me in with the details. We grew

up with the message that 'any hole will do,' 'sex is dirty and always bad, even

when you're married sex is only to meet a man's needs and to portray power over

a woman.'

when my sisters and I became teenagers we weren't allowed to date, we weren't

allowed to go out with friends, go to the movies, have friends over, etc. We

weren't allowed to wear makeup or shave(when I brought up that I needed to shave

(badly) she snidely remarked 'why, are you ready to start fucking boys. I guess

you need to douche, too.' I didn't know what she was talking about. She dressed

all of us like paupers- and weren't poor but we were forced to wear old,

hand-me-down clothing that was always way too big on us- then she'd comment

about how fat we looked.

Here recently, I tried to tell her how uncomfortable I was, as a child, to have

to hear about her and my step-father sex life (on the RARE occassion they had

sex) she'd tell me all about his semen running down her leg after they had sex-

when I brought it up and said it was too much information for a child (and a

daughter, period) she responded with " Well, I thought I could talk to you as a

mature adult. I guess you weren't mature and still aren't. If you'd rather: I'll

talk to you like a child. " (I'm nearly 30 years old!)

After the abuse, my mother confided in me that she felt like I was " the other

woman. "

While I knew it wasn't my fault, I've only realized now- nearly 15 years

later-that her statement about me being the other women placed me in a terrible

situation: living every day to serve her and prove that I was on her side. This

fed her need to have a submissive underling perfectly and I became her fiercest

defender.

Instead of heading to law school (I'd already been accepted into several

prestigious pre-law programs in Washington D.C. and Stanford) but my mom never

told me about the programs and refused to let me go- I only recently found out

after she gave me misc. stuff from my school years and the acceptance letters

were kept) Instead of me and my sisters being let go to continue life after high

school she bemoaned that she was no longer needed and had she known we would

just " leave her anyway " she wouldn't have had children.

Not surprisingly-At 17, looking for acceptance and having sex on my terms I got

pregnant (luckily, my marriage has been blessed and we've been together since

and have a (somewhat) happy family- even having another son.He's been extremely

patient with this process but it has added some distress- added to the fact that

my mother constantly berates me to divorce him and move in with her)

After the pregnancy, my mom held me hostage. Not only did I ruin her life by her

marriage (which was never healthy) crumbling because of what happened now I was

pregnant " AND HOW COULD I DO THAT TO HER???? "

So my burden was even greater.(I felt ashamed for getting pregnant. Here I was-

within the top five students of my graduating class, a National Honor Society

member, etc.While I was a teen mom I don't recommend it) Anyway, she refused to

let me move out-even though I had been able to graduate high school early and

had enrolled in community college. Although living with her my husband supported

me and was paying all of my living expenses, basically rent to my mom, and my

food, clothing, medical care, etc., At 7 months pregnant, we were engaged I

moved out. That was met with more drama and an even greater demand for

continuing penance to her. Even though once the pregnancy was announced and " I

was no longer her f-ing problem " she illegally claimed me on her tax return for

YEARS- even after I got married- because " I had to realize that since HER

husband was gone- she needed the few extra hundred dollars " (God forbid she get

a job) and denied my family the thousand of dollars it would have saved us. She

forced us to buy a car from her- because she had me believing that no one would

give me- a loser teen mom- a loan for a car and she was soooo generous- even

though the car cost us several thousand dollars more than it was worth.Again,

not only did we owe her for the car- we owed her for her allowing us to buy it.

She did us another " favor " a few years later by forcing us into purchasing a

piece of property she had- I didn't want it but she went to the county and filed

the paperwork indicating she was " gifting it " to us and then informing me that

it was my f-ing problem and that I owed her- this time for nearly twice what the

property was worth. This act was again met with more demands- if she needed

something we owed it to her, because jeeze- now I've caused her to lose her

husband and her private property.

My selfworth was so poor and I felt bad for my mom. She had been a stay-at-home

mom (never let us forget it, that she had NO job skills because she was raising

US- so again, we owe her) that I let her control me. I also (wrongly) stopped my

husband from sticking up for us. I always thought- and I think many can relate-

that if I went along with her craziness that one day she would be happy and I

would be redeemed. I would be the good daughter I was trained to be and allowed

to fly free-like a healthy adult should.

My older sister flew the coup early on, meeting someone online and moving back

east to visit- she never returned. I don't blame her.

My twin sister's first husband entered the military and she left.

Each time, my mom would go into a crazy tailspin.

Although these milestones should be happy they weren't. High school graduations,

proms- even our weddings were cast in her shadow.

Growing up, she broke all of my older sisters prized ceramic and keepsake rabbit

collection because she went out with our biological father for easter. Instead

of apologizing- it was my sister's fault- because: " How could YOU DO THAT TO

ME??? "

For years, I was a slave for her. I did her grocery shopping, took her places

and was her primary social contact.I forced my husband and family to spend every

extra moment we had with her, because I felt guilty. Every year, when my husband

got a week vacation it was spent fixing things for her- because we owed her. He

got HER daughter pregnant and of course- redemption is earned by being

controlled- like a carrot on the stick. You do everything asked but never get

closer to the carrot- the prize-the freedom. The acknowledgment that we are

responsible adults.

I helped her file her taxes, insurance paperwork job interviews, resumes and

cover letters. When she moved out from the home we grew up in- she blamed me for

her " having to move " she threw a vacuum cleaner at me (my son still remembers

that) because 'she couldn't get any help with the moving' even though I packed

almost everything up and my husband arranged for and paid for a van and lined up

his friends to do the heavy lifting. What she did do during her move was order

us to load stuff she suddenly didn't want- everything from furniture to clothing

and blankets, books, our childhood memorabilia- to be donated. Now, when she

looks for something that she gave away she accuses me stealing it.

Of course, there were things too valuable to give away, that she didn't have

room for- a fenced dog run, riding lawn mower and misc. lawn care items and some

tools that I told her I didn't want but she insisted I take. Now, of course, I

owe her because of this " generosity "

Even married, it took six years for my husband and family to be able to go out

for the afternoon without my feeling guilty or worried that she would be upset

for not knowing where I was going- or asking permission beforehand. Not a dinner

out would go unnoticed and I always got the riot act- what about her? what about

her life, she's stuck at home doing NOTHING and we can't think of her! How dare

us!

A few years ago my family decided to move out of state. My husband had a great

job, benefits and I enrolled in the university in the city. When my mom and

grandparents dropped me and my son (3-years-old at the time) off at the airport

she wouldn't even get out of the car or say good by. 'a fucking goodbye is a

fucking goodbye " was as good as it got.

The entire few months we were gone she called and sobbed on the phone for HOURS,

everyday, about how we were only leaving because we were selfish and wanted

money. One day, I received a card that was clearly meant for star crossed and

separated lovers. She sent it to me- to illustrate how much she missed me! It

was disgusting. She even tried talking me into getting a full time job so I

could pay her to watch our son- even though I was lucky to not have had to work

at the time.

After my grandparents suffered many health issues we decided to move back-

because my mom wouldn't take care of her parents. " I just have so much of my own

life, " she would say- even though her life consisted of working part time and

spending the rest of the day with her feet up, drinking coffee, smoking ciggs

and talking on the phone.

Moving back was the worst thing-ever.

The past six months has been the final straw. For Thanksgiving I cooked the

entire dinner and then packed it into her house- 2 miles away- because she

didn't feel like leaving her home. And then she whined because we didn't bring

our own plates- because it would cost her 50 cents in dish soap. She couldn't

even offer drinks- we had to bring that too! And we had to leave her ample

leftovers because she 'doesn't have money'- remember- I caused her husband to

leave her and she doesn't have any money because of it.

It was mid-November that I took a job, fulltime at the newspaper I've written

for for nearly 6 years. That's really what set her off. I was no longer at her

beck and call. Even though I was working at home- my time was never respected.

She called 6-10 times a day and then bitch when I'd say I have to get to work. I

thought actually having to go to the office would create some natural

boundaries- she doesn't like that!

After the first month I worked 60+ hour weeks with training and finding my

groove and during that time my husband was out of town with his job for two

weeks. Add in the holidays and we were dead beat tired.

Freelancing, I didn't get more than a day off every two weeks so at

Christmastime, we decided to go skiing. My husband pulled his back and we had to

postpone our ski trip. On the Sunday we were going to go- we ended up getting

going too late and decided to spend the day, at home, just our family.

Well, mom wasn't about to let that happen. She called me 4 times, before noon,

to remind me that my husband had promised he would cut her some fire wood. Her

pile was running low. I told her that we would still be in to do the chore- and

he did tell her he would and is a man of his word- but that it wouldn't be that

day because we were spending a quiet day at home. The first such day we've been

able to have in YEARS.

Instead of understanding, like a normal parent, that we need our family time and

I was stressed with the new job and the holidays- she blew up. You know how

nadas get the voice, twisting every word until your insides are knotted up and

you cave, just to cut your losses and move on -she informed me 'to enjoy my

fucking day with my family. I guess I'll just have to stay home, alone,

freezing. I guess I'll just have to turn my heater on. You may have money to

burn but I don't have money but I guess I'll have to turn my heater on-there

goes ALL my money. "

I thought: fuck it: we'll go in, cut her fire wood and come home. Our kids

decided they'd stay home and play their new video games they got for Christmas

and we went in.

Well, she was pleased as punch we came in but once she realized that I hadn't

come in to visit- that I was helping my man move the wood- because his back

still hurt- she got PISSED. She came out while I was sweeping off her porch of

wood shavings and told me " I'm done with you. I'm fucking done. Get off my

fucking property and go home. I'm done, had it with you and your attitude. "

We shrugged it off and went home.

Next came New Year's Eve- I hadn't called and neither had she. A whole blissful

week of no contact.

On New Year's Day she called all three of us kids and informed us to have a

happy f-ing new year, that she was tired of our crap and that this was going to

be HER YEAR. Her message informed me that, after all I've done for you- given

you- and you can't do the right thing without having an attitude...yada, yada,

yada.

We all ignored it.

Then, the suicide threats started. This went on for over a week.My sisters

called the local 911 and police were sent to her house multiple times for

welfare checks- she was " fine " and they wouldn't commit her.

Before she exploded over the fire-wood chopping incident she watched my younger

son a few times a week but once she snapped and started getting very hateful.

Taking her violent behavior in the past, I informed her that the children would

not be placed in the middle until she had her anger under control and got help.

My twin sister, who lives locally, gave her the same mandate.

To get back at me- she threatened to call Child Protective Services- not because

my children are in danger but to hurt me in response to her having the police

check in.

She's made comments like " She'll have to suffer the consequences of keeping the

children from me, " and it chilled me to the bone.

Now that her cycle seems to have run its course, this time, she's called and

left a few messages and emails. She's claiming that she's stepping out of the

" cycle of abuse " me and my sisters are supposedly putting her in. She's also

begging to see my youngest son. (my oldest doesn't really want to put up with

her shit) so he hasn't been mentioned.

She's now saying " I've said I'm sorry and there's nothing I can do. It's now in

your control. Only you have the power for us to have a normal mother/daughter

relationship. That's what I've wanted all along, but it's up to you. "

I suggested a group counseling session but she's refused (although she says

she's seeing one and that this professional told her that her emotions are

validated and it sounds like we're manipulating her!) She " doesn't have to

disclose to us who her counselor is because this is HER journey' and I doubt a

counselor exists.

So: are my feelings justified. I'm scared to death that she'll take off with my

son and disappear but on the other hand, feel maybe I'm being paranoid and

should try to be understanding of her mental illness....

I need some input, quickly.

I know that I need to focus on getting myself healthy. My nerves are shot and I

just keep gaining weight but I don't know what to do about my mom.

Sorry my post is so long, it's one of the first such posting I've made here and

I really need some reassurance.

Thank you!