Re: Be Loved for Who You Really Are

[Guest guest]

Dear Cheryl,

Thank you so much for this post!! It really hits home for

me for I am very much a person that goes " against the grain " or norm

of society and have trouble with seeing the uniqueness in my loved

ones. Thank you for this gentle reminder for it truly gave me one of

those AHA! moments and made me think! I have been so busy being me

that those very things, like toast crumbs in my butter, and silly

little things just really don't matter when you come down to truly

looking at a person as a whole, do they? In my humble opinion, this

is the best post you have put up yet, you have soooooooo many gems

and goodies but this truly made me think twice, even probably more

than times than that about those silly little things I really should

pay no mind to! Thank you my sweet sister and may you have a blessed

day!! Namaste, Luna

--- In , " cherylyr " <cherylyr@...>

wrote:

>

> Be Loved for Who You Really Are

>

> by Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & Sniechowski, Ph.D

> ...

> [unique]

>

<http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vczI1Ni5waG90b2J1Y2tldC5jb20vYWxid

W1\

>

zL2hoMjAwL0h1eU1QR2FtM3IvP2FjdGlvbj12aWV3JmN1cnJlbnQ9VW5pcXVlLmpwZw==>

>

>

> Being unique. Standing out from the crowd. Taking a position that's

> different from everyone else's. Imagine that. How do you feel when

you

> do? How do you imagine other people feel toward you?

>

>

>

> Most people acknowledge that being different can be very

uncomfortable,

> even frightening. They hide who they really are, going along with

the

> crowd just to fit in. Yet, each one of us has been created to be a

> one-of-a-kind

> miracle.

>

> Think about it. Never before in the history of the universe has

there

> ever been another you and there never will be again. You truly are

> unique, without compare, and that is not a mere poetic sentiment.

It's a

> fact. You are a miraculous manifestation of the unlimited and loving

> powers of the Creator. And, as that is true for you, it is also

true for

> everyone else.

>

> Given that, how do you respond to the differences between you and

those

> you love, especially that person you love most--be that a lover,

spouse

> or friend? Seeing that person as a one-of-a-kind miracle, do the

toast

> crumbs he left in the mayonnaise jar or the dripping hosiery she

hung

> over the shower rod take on a different meaning?

>

> We are not suggesting that you have to like everything the other

person

> says or does. We are saying that if you want to be loved for who you

> really are, you have to give that same love in return.

>

> But when it comes to romantic relationships, so many people, men and

> women alike, imagine that the other person is supposed to be a

perfect

> match for what they want. That perfect person will just fit into

their

> pre-ordained picture and not change it in any way. And when mister

or

> miss perfect turns out to be different, which is inevitable, the

> make-over project begins.

>

> Why is that?

>

> Well, when you were growing up what were you taught, either

directly or

> indirectly, by your family, neighbors, teachers, church members, to

> think about and how were you told to treat people who were different

> from your family--from your group?

>

> Most, if not all of us learned that those who are different from us

> should be kept at an arms-length. We were taught to think in terms

of

> right or wrong-we are right and they are. . . wrong. Consequently we

> feel some measure of distrust of them and discomfort around them and

> have developed subtle and not-so-subtle ways to keep our emotional

if

> not physical distance from those " others. "

>

>

>

> On an even more personal note, when you were growing up, how were

you

> treated by your immediate family for the ways you were different

from

> them? Did your parents and siblings rejoice in your uniqueness? Or

were

> you brought into line, expected to be just like everyone else--or

else!?

>

> Most of the men and women we've surveyed at our national and

> international workshops and trainings have told us that they

learned to

> hide their individuality and/or feel ashamed or embarrassed by who

they

> are. They've never been sure whether they are truly lovable for who

they

> know themselves to be. It's no surprise that pain, heartache,

> loneliness, and depression follow form their self-doubt.

>

> That's why it is important to understand how you were raised so

that you

> can identify unconscious beliefs and feelings you have toward

yourself

> and anyone whose differentness is undeniable.

>

> And when it comes to love and intimacy, here's the problem. You've

also

> been raised with the belief that someday you would find someone,

fall in

> love, and live happily ever after. That seems innocent enough,

right?

> But look again.

>

> Unconsciously you are carrying around a time bomb. And what is

that? The

> belief that to be different is in some way bad, even dangerous. And

then

> you meet someone. Your call that person your soul-mate. But, because

> that person is one-of-a-kind, he or she naturally and necessarily

must

> be different from you in many ways, as you will be different from

your

> heartthrob. Then what?

>

> At first, not much. All goes well. Thrilling. Blissful. It's heaven

> until the differences start to show up. Now the little voices start,

> warning you without ever being explicit. It's just a feeling.

> Something's wrong and needs to be fixed. You try to fix yourself.

Or you

> try to make over your lover. But you know yourself that you don't

want

> to be changed to fit into someone else's dream world. And you soon

> discover that neither does that person who, just a short time ago,

was

> your ideal sweetheart.

>

> Here you thought your soul-mate was perfect, absolutely perfect.

But now

> you are in conflict. Rather than an eternal walk down lover's lane

you

> find yourself on the dark aisle toward divorce court. There goes

> happily-ever-after!

>

> So, what can you do to prevent this? For the spiritual joy of

lifelong

> love and romance based on trust, respect, and mutual dedication to

the

> well-being of your relationship, you cannot hide who you are. . .

who

> you really are. And neither can your partner. You have to show up,

make

> yourself known. By doing so you make yourself available to what

love has

> in store for you, because love has larger designs on you than you

can

> imagine at the outset of your relationship. Then, and only then,

will

> you be open to the adventure of true, romantic intimacy.

>

> To help you do this, our work is focused on providing a spiritually

> inspired road-map for relationship success. Our simple and redeeming

> message is: you are to love one another for the one-of-a-kind

miracles

> that you are.

>

> After all, what do each of us want more than anything? To be known

for

> who we really are, through and through, to be respected, valued, and

> loved. We yearn to be certain that we are loved whether we're on

top of

> the world or freaking out, whether we're being creative and

charming or

> in the throws of depression.

>

> To achieve that you must first understand that all committed

> relationships go through a developmental process consisting of

> four-passages. When you accept this for the fact that it is, you

will

> never have to feel lost along the way. Never.

>

>

>

> The four passages of love, what we call the arc of love, comprise

the

> necessary and predictable progression that love requires of any

> successful couple.

>

> In the first passage, what we call " A Glimpse of What is Possible, "

you

> not only fall in love, but you are also given a chance to see the

very

> real perfection in your partner and in yourself. You see the

wondrous

> possibilities available between you if you will surrender to where

love

> wants to take you. The question is--will you follow love's lessons

to

> develop your capacity to live that perfection in your everyday

lives.

>

> In the second passage, what we call " The Clash of Differences, "

each of

> you as distinctly unique people will reveal more of your complexity,

> your limitations, quirks, excellence, and your troublesome

> self-centeredness. Love is no longer just ecstatic. Now it demands

that

> you appreciate and respect your partner as different and be willing

to

> resolve your conflicts so that both of you are satisfied.

>

> The third passage is called " The Magic of Differences, " because you

> both, as a couple, cement your trust of one another by growing

through

> and beyond your conflicts. You realize that there is a very real

wisdom

> in your choice of one another. You see that your differences, many

of

> which you previously thought were only annoying, are now the basis

for

> your ongoing personal growth, learning, and spiritual

> expansion--individually and together.

>

> The fourth passage, " The Grace of Deep Intimacy, " brings you into a

full

> and total trust of your love, a love so rich that it infuses all

your

> activities and is obvious to all those with whom you are involved.

Now

> the bliss that was free in the very beginning has become a

permanent and

> well-earned resident in each of your hearts and in the heart of your

> relationship.

>

> And finally, if you are to be loved and love one another for the

> one-of-a-kind miracles that you are, you must understand that the

> natural and inevitable challenges, conflicts, and changes you will

> encounter in your long-term relationship are designed to help you do

> just that.

>

> But, because so few of us receive any meaningful training to help us

> create and maintain love and romance, you may feel like giving up

> because you think these conflicts shouldn't be happening. You may be

> tempted to conclude that your clashes are signs of failure. Unless

you

> are suffering under emotional and/or physical abuse (which

definitely

> has nothing to do with love), your conflicts are in fact signals

that

> both of you are showing up in your distinctiveness and that's an

> essential requirement if your love is to ever be the kind that is

filled

> with everyday romance--one that lasts a lifetime.

>

> So, during each passage, learn to use those predictable encounters

with

> the ways each of you is different to continually reinforce that your

> love is real and trustworthy. Because when the goal is to feel free

to

> be who you are, and be loved for who you are, then every moment

together

> offers the opportunity to show up openly and honestly and insist on

> being met with respect, or at least curiosity when the two of you

> disagree or clash. You see, real love requires you to move out

beyond

> self-centeredness, beyond your own private fantasies about how it's

> supposed to be in order to take in and learn about one another and

the

> specific and unique shape your relationship will take.

>

> Real love insists that you practice the lesson you should have

learned

> in kindergarten. You have to share! In other words, the only way to

> share love, for both of you to be loved for who you really are, is

for

> you to consider and value each other for the amazing magic of your

> differences. That's a key aspect of personal spiritual expansion

and the

> bedrock of a spiritually blessed relationship.

>

> When you respect and value one another's uniqueness, not only do you

> open yourselves to experience a deep and abiding love, but you

transform

> your relationship into a daily prayer of practical spirituality, a

> real-life expression of respect and value for the Creator's wondrous

> handiwork. You discover the magic waiting in the differences

between you

> and the opportunity to be loved for who you really are.

>

>

> © Copyright 2002 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & Sniechowski, Ph.D.

All

> Rights Reserved.

>

>

>

> Drs. Judith Sherven & Jim Sniechowski, husband-and-wife psychology

team

> are the bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are

> (Renaissance Books, 2001). Visit their website at

> www.thenewintimacy.com. Receive their free weekly email newsletter,

send

> email to thenewintimacy-on@...

>

>

>

> Visit Judith & Jim at:

> www.thenewintimacy.com

>

> ...

>

[Guest guest]

This is so very true!!! (Though I probably should have learned more

about this a lot sooner in life...lol) This is wonderful

information, and wonderfully written!!! Thank you so very much for

sharing it :-)

Many blessings,

cyndi

--- In , " cherylyr " <cherylyr@...>

wrote:

>

> Be Loved for Who You Really Are

>

> by Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & Sniechowski, Ph.D

> ...

> [unique]

>

<http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vczI1Ni5waG90b2J1Y2tldC5jb20vYWxid

W1\

>

zL2hoMjAwL0h1eU1QR2FtM3IvP2FjdGlvbj12aWV3JmN1cnJlbnQ9VW5pcXVlLmpwZw==>

>

>

> Being unique. Standing out from the crowd. Taking a position that's

> different from everyone else's. Imagine that. How do you feel when

you

> do? How do you imagine other people feel toward you?

>

>

>

> Most people acknowledge that being different can be very

uncomfortable,

> even frightening. They hide who they really are, going along with

the

> crowd just to fit in. Yet, each one of us has been created to be a

> one-of-a-kind

> miracle.

>

> Think about it. Never before in the history of the universe has

there

> ever been another you and there never will be again. You truly are

> unique, without compare, and that is not a mere poetic sentiment.

It's a

> fact. You are a miraculous manifestation of the unlimited and loving

> powers of the Creator. And, as that is true for you, it is also

true for

> everyone else.

>

> Given that, how do you respond to the differences between you and

those

> you love, especially that person you love most--be that a lover,

spouse

> or friend? Seeing that person as a one-of-a-kind miracle, do the

toast

> crumbs he left in the mayonnaise jar or the dripping hosiery she

hung

> over the shower rod take on a different meaning?

>

> We are not suggesting that you have to like everything the other

person

> says or does. We are saying that if you want to be loved for who you

> really are, you have to give that same love in return.

>

> But when it comes to romantic relationships, so many people, men and

> women alike, imagine that the other person is supposed to be a

perfect

> match for what they want. That perfect person will just fit into

their

> pre-ordained picture and not change it in any way. And when mister

or

> miss perfect turns out to be different, which is inevitable, the

> make-over project begins.

>

> Why is that?

>

> Well, when you were growing up what were you taught, either

directly or

> indirectly, by your family, neighbors, teachers, church members, to

> think about and how were you told to treat people who were different

> from your family--from your group?

>

> Most, if not all of us learned that those who are different from us

> should be kept at an arms-length. We were taught to think in terms

of

> right or wrong-we are right and they are. . . wrong. Consequently we

> feel some measure of distrust of them and discomfort around them and

> have developed subtle and not-so-subtle ways to keep our emotional

if

> not physical distance from those " others. "

>

>

>

> On an even more personal note, when you were growing up, how were

you

> treated by your immediate family for the ways you were different

from

> them? Did your parents and siblings rejoice in your uniqueness? Or

were

> you brought into line, expected to be just like everyone else--or

else!?

>

> Most of the men and women we've surveyed at our national and

> international workshops and trainings have told us that they

learned to

> hide their individuality and/or feel ashamed or embarrassed by who

they

> are. They've never been sure whether they are truly lovable for who

they

> know themselves to be. It's no surprise that pain, heartache,

> loneliness, and depression follow form their self-doubt.

>

> That's why it is important to understand how you were raised so

that you

> can identify unconscious beliefs and feelings you have toward

yourself

> and anyone whose differentness is undeniable.

>

> And when it comes to love and intimacy, here's the problem. You've

also

> been raised with the belief that someday you would find someone,

fall in

> love, and live happily ever after. That seems innocent enough,

right?

> But look again.

>

> Unconsciously you are carrying around a time bomb. And what is

that? The

> belief that to be different is in some way bad, even dangerous. And

then

> you meet someone. Your call that person your soul-mate. But, because

> that person is one-of-a-kind, he or she naturally and necessarily

must

> be different from you in many ways, as you will be different from

your

> heartthrob. Then what?

>

> At first, not much. All goes well. Thrilling. Blissful. It's heaven

> until the differences start to show up. Now the little voices start,

> warning you without ever being explicit. It's just a feeling.

> Something's wrong and needs to be fixed. You try to fix yourself.

Or you

> try to make over your lover. But you know yourself that you don't

want

> to be changed to fit into someone else's dream world. And you soon

> discover that neither does that person who, just a short time ago,

was

> your ideal sweetheart.

>

> Here you thought your soul-mate was perfect, absolutely perfect.

But now

> you are in conflict. Rather than an eternal walk down lover's lane

you

> find yourself on the dark aisle toward divorce court. There goes

> happily-ever-after!

>

> So, what can you do to prevent this? For the spiritual joy of

lifelong

> love and romance based on trust, respect, and mutual dedication to

the

> well-being of your relationship, you cannot hide who you are. . .

who

> you really are. And neither can your partner. You have to show up,

make

> yourself known. By doing so you make yourself available to what

love has

> in store for you, because love has larger designs on you than you

can

> imagine at the outset of your relationship. Then, and only then,

will

> you be open to the adventure of true, romantic intimacy.

>

> To help you do this, our work is focused on providing a spiritually

> inspired road-map for relationship success. Our simple and redeeming

> message is: you are to love one another for the one-of-a-kind

miracles

> that you are.

>

> After all, what do each of us want more than anything? To be known

for

> who we really are, through and through, to be respected, valued, and

> loved. We yearn to be certain that we are loved whether we're on

top of

> the world or freaking out, whether we're being creative and

charming or

> in the throws of depression.

>

> To achieve that you must first understand that all committed

> relationships go through a developmental process consisting of

> four-passages. When you accept this for the fact that it is, you

will

> never have to feel lost along the way. Never.

>

>

>

> The four passages of love, what we call the arc of love, comprise

the

> necessary and predictable progression that love requires of any

> successful couple.

>

> In the first passage, what we call " A Glimpse of What is Possible, "

you

> not only fall in love, but you are also given a chance to see the

very

> real perfection in your partner and in yourself. You see the

wondrous

> possibilities available between you if you will surrender to where

love

> wants to take you. The question is--will you follow love's lessons

to

> develop your capacity to live that perfection in your everyday

lives.

>

> In the second passage, what we call " The Clash of Differences, "

each of

> you as distinctly unique people will reveal more of your complexity,

> your limitations, quirks, excellence, and your troublesome

> self-centeredness. Love is no longer just ecstatic. Now it demands

that

> you appreciate and respect your partner as different and be willing

to

> resolve your conflicts so that both of you are satisfied.

>

> The third passage is called " The Magic of Differences, " because you

> both, as a couple, cement your trust of one another by growing

through

> and beyond your conflicts. You realize that there is a very real

wisdom

> in your choice of one another. You see that your differences, many

of

> which you previously thought were only annoying, are now the basis

for

> your ongoing personal growth, learning, and spiritual

> expansion--individually and together.

>

> The fourth passage, " The Grace of Deep Intimacy, " brings you into a

full

> and total trust of your love, a love so rich that it infuses all

your

> activities and is obvious to all those with whom you are involved.

Now

> the bliss that was free in the very beginning has become a

permanent and

> well-earned resident in each of your hearts and in the heart of your

> relationship.

>

> And finally, if you are to be loved and love one another for the

> one-of-a-kind miracles that you are, you must understand that the

> natural and inevitable challenges, conflicts, and changes you will

> encounter in your long-term relationship are designed to help you do

> just that.

>

> But, because so few of us receive any meaningful training to help us

> create and maintain love and romance, you may feel like giving up

> because you think these conflicts shouldn't be happening. You may be

> tempted to conclude that your clashes are signs of failure. Unless

you

> are suffering under emotional and/or physical abuse (which

definitely

> has nothing to do with love), your conflicts are in fact signals

that

> both of you are showing up in your distinctiveness and that's an

> essential requirement if your love is to ever be the kind that is

filled

> with everyday romance--one that lasts a lifetime.

>

> So, during each passage, learn to use those predictable encounters

with

> the ways each of you is different to continually reinforce that your

> love is real and trustworthy. Because when the goal is to feel free

to

> be who you are, and be loved for who you are, then every moment

together

> offers the opportunity to show up openly and honestly and insist on

> being met with respect, or at least curiosity when the two of you

> disagree or clash. You see, real love requires you to move out

beyond

> self-centeredness, beyond your own private fantasies about how it's

> supposed to be in order to take in and learn about one another and

the

> specific and unique shape your relationship will take.

>

> Real love insists that you practice the lesson you should have

learned

> in kindergarten. You have to share! In other words, the only way to

> share love, for both of you to be loved for who you really are, is

for

> you to consider and value each other for the amazing magic of your

> differences. That's a key aspect of personal spiritual expansion

and the

> bedrock of a spiritually blessed relationship.

>

> When you respect and value one another's uniqueness, not only do you

> open yourselves to experience a deep and abiding love, but you

transform

> your relationship into a daily prayer of practical spirituality, a

> real-life expression of respect and value for the Creator's wondrous

> handiwork. You discover the magic waiting in the differences

between you

> and the opportunity to be loved for who you really are.

>

>

> © Copyright 2002 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & Sniechowski, Ph.D.

All

> Rights Reserved.

>

>

>

> Drs. Judith Sherven & Jim Sniechowski, husband-and-wife psychology

team

> are the bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are

> (Renaissance Books, 2001). Visit their website at

> www.thenewintimacy.com. Receive their free weekly email newsletter,

send

> email to thenewintimacy-on@...

>

>

>

> Visit Judith & Jim at:

> www.thenewintimacy.com

>

> ...

>