Missing her...

[Guest guest]

I had a rough night and lately, I'd say the last week, I've been struggling with

missing my mom who's been " punishing me " by " giving me what I want " which is " no

contact " with her. This stemmed from her being ridiculously clingy (as in

insisting I sleep in her bed with her, hold her hand, spend all my time

literally with her over the Christmas holiday) and I told her that she was being

" smothering " - so she's " given me what I want, no contact with her " which was

nice for me for a few weeks, but now it's causing me anxiety b/c I feel like if

I try to reestablish contact then she's " won " and if I don't this will continue

to escalate.

I am fortunate enough (in a way) that I was never bore the brunt of my mother's

wicked queen times until my father passed away 2.5 years ago. My mother

certainly had her wicked days frequently, but I was so programmed to do exactly

what she wanted that I NEVER ONCE disobeyed her until I was 26 years old...so

I'd get her wrath from messing up when I was younger (for not having my sock

drawer properly organized, or something else unrealistic) but I've never really

seen the extent of the rage until recently and it is BAD.

I usually benefitted from her thinking I was the " angel " and benefitting from

the lavish praise and gifts she'd give me. So it is hard in this time of NC for

me to not remember the many many good times we had as I was growing up b/c even

though it wasn't normal or right for her to control me the way she did - I

didn't know any better and those seem like happy memories to me.

Obviously I don't want to go back to that, but I do want to try to get in to a

middle ground. I know a lot of you are NC with your BPD relatives and I

completely understand how that can be the best solution, but I don't think it is

for me at this point and I don't know what to do.

thanks,